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Old 02-07-2005, 08:23 PM   #1
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Kymberlee HB User
Question My husband blames ME for his major depression...

Well, this is what he told me tonight after getting home from counseling. He told me, "You are the reason I'm so depressed. You won't work,(I'm a stay at home Mom--we agreed on this BEFORE having this child. We also agreed that I would go back to work part-time when my son goes to school full-time. My husband travels for his job at any given moment so I'm it as far as being home to take care of my son.) You don't do anything around this house,(He has OCD. so if ANYTHING is out of line, he freaks.) and I work my *ss of while you visit your friends! I told the counselor that I don't love you anymore.She asked if I'd go to marriage counseling, but I can't see that working because YOU'RE not going to change. I can't live like this." I have heard all this before--many times. I told him that I don't want him to leave--I don't want a divorce and that he has been pushing me away for years. I also told him that I have no intention of leaving him and that I want to work on this marriage together in marriage counseling. I also told him that his depression is a FAMILY disease---as it affects ALL of us, together. He said,"Oh, do you think this has been eaasy for me???" I said, "No. Do you think this has been easy for us?" Meaning me & our little boy. He said,"No." So, tell me...did I say the right things??? Have any of you been told these things by your loved one??? Sorry for the long rant. Thanks for reading. Any advice...?

 
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Old 02-07-2005, 11:33 PM   #2
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Samantha317 HB User
Re: My husband blames ME for his major depression...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kymberlee
Well, this is what he told me tonight after getting home from counseling. He told me, "You are the reason I'm so depressed. You won't work,(I'm a stay at home Mom--we agreed on this BEFORE having this child. We also agreed that I would go back to work part-time when my son goes to school full-time. My husband travels for his job at any given moment so I'm it as far as being home to take care of my son.) You don't do anything around this house,(He has OCD. so if ANYTHING is out of line, he freaks.) and I work my *ss of while you visit your friends! I told the counselor that I don't love you anymore.She asked if I'd go to marriage counseling, but I can't see that working because YOU'RE not going to change. I can't live like this." I have heard all this before--many times. I told him that I don't want him to leave--I don't want a divorce and that he has been pushing me away for years. I also told him that I have no intention of leaving him and that I want to work on this marriage together in marriage counseling. I also told him that his depression is a FAMILY disease---as it affects ALL of us, together. He said,"Oh, do you think this has been eaasy for me???" I said, "No. Do you think this has been easy for us?" Meaning me & our little boy. He said,"No." So, tell me...did I say the right things??? Have any of you been told these things by your loved one??? Sorry for the long rant. Thanks for reading. Any advice...?
Hi Kymberlee,

I am sorry that you are having a hard time right now. It is very difficult to have depression. I don't think it is fair for your husband to BLAME YOU for his feelings or his depression. The way he reacts to other people is his responsiblity. You can not MAKE anyone feel anything. It sounds like he is trying to put the blame on you and not take responsibility for his feelings.

I don't know if you said the "right" or "wrong" things. It does seem that you are trying to be supportive of the things he is going through.

I do agree that both of you need to talk to someone whether it be a marriage counselor or someone that is trained in these situations to be objective.

Best wishes,
Sam

Last edited by Samantha317; 02-08-2005 at 07:24 AM. Reason: spelling

 
Old 02-08-2005, 03:04 AM   #3
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sbjke32 HB User
Re: My husband blames ME for his major depression...

One thing I have learned with my husband, is that he doesn't understand what he is going through any more than I understand what he is going through. I explained to him that if he wants to get better, he needs to help himself i.e. learning about his illness, getting the help he needs. My husband has been better for a couple of days, but still hasn't actually done anything for himself in that respect, and I have always been taught that you cannot expect anything to change if you do not do anything different. I try not to expect too much from him all at once, but I always let him know that I will help him with whatever I can, but that he is responsible for himself and his actions. I am glad you guys are going to counseling. We haven't taken that step yet. My husband and I have had the pastor over, and he is great and all but I don't know if it has helped really, kind of didn't like what he had to say, and then I feel way too awkeward at church.

 
Old 02-08-2005, 08:37 AM   #4
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kiehn HB User
Re: My husband blames ME for his major depression...

Kymberlee
First I truely understand what you're going thru as Im the offender in my house
and watch myself do similiar things to my husband when Im on a low (Im bipolar)

I honestly cant help my feelings but Im trying to do something about them, as
was suggested by the other posting, learning my triggers understanding it my
illness not the other person and trying to find anything to keep my moods out of
the deep end in either direction.

Most the time my husband just listens to my ranting cause he knows its my illness, but sometimes even he cant take it and reacts which sets of a bigger reaction from me. So he does his best to just listen and although I know what he doing part of me
is grateful that he does and my behavior wont esculate any futher and the
other part wants of me wants a fight, which I dont understand.

If you and your husband are open to counseling by all means go for it, it could offer
you learning tools you never imagined.

Ive found knowledge about my illness, learning my triggers, finding support ie these
boards have been my best defense for my illness, because you're right it affects
the entire family. As far as trying to get your husband to understand that in the
mental state he is in might not be possible but you were honest with him.

I truely wish you and your family success in learning and understanding this illlness, K

Last edited by kiehn; 02-08-2005 at 08:40 AM.

 
Old 02-08-2005, 03:58 PM   #5
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brett24 HB User
Re: My husband blames ME for his major depression...

hey sounds like ur having it rough, u cant take the blame for somebody elses depression, he is trying to shift the blame from himself to you which is unfair!!!! id try and have marriage counselling, try and talk him into it. its amazing what can be achieved after talking with someone else to mediate! i dont really know what else to say, except dont beat up yourself over ur husbands behaviour!

Good luck and take care

Brett

 
Old 02-09-2005, 08:12 AM   #6
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Kymberlee HB User
Re: My husband blames ME for his major depression...

Thank-you! All of your replies are supportive and insightful. My husband had to travel for his job this week so we are both getting some time away from each other--which is good. He called me last night and we talked for a long time. I told him again that I want to work on this marriage TOGETHER. He plans on going back to the counselor next week and I made an Appt. for myself. Maybe after we work on our own stuff for awhile, we can get together and go into a session and work on this. He said he has to take it one day at a time and I'm okay with that as long as he gets the help he needs. His Doctor upped his meds. so hopefully that will kick in and he'll feel better. Thanks, again, everyone, for all your support. It's so nice to know that we're not the only people out there dealing with this illness. It makes me feel more "normal"--whatever THAT is! LOL I will post again when there's more to talk about! Until then, take care of yourselves!

 
Old 02-09-2005, 08:48 AM   #7
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lift HB User
Re: My husband blames ME for his major depression...

It isn't your fault. My wife tried to say that to me once and when we went to therapy the therapist quickly informed her that this was not the case. The fact is your husband's depression is beyond your control one way or the other, sure you can help him by being there emationally and yes you can hurt him by being emationally distance but when it all boils down your husband's depression is beyond your control. But I'll tell you that I have been trying to get my wife to realize that she has to change things in her life to help defeat the depression i.e. stopping negative thought streams as much as she can even if she succeeds 1 out of 5 times that is an improvement, another thing is paying attentio to and taking care of her body if her body isn't as healthy as can be then it will be harder for the mind to be healthy, and she now does stress reducing techniques. After two long years of battling depression my wife has just had the best 7-10 days since the depression started and I hope that this is the turning point. I guess what I am saying to you is don't give up and don't take the blame provide you husband with love and support and provide the necessary tools for the whole family to get through this, I have been where you are and the responsibility will seem overwhelming and unfair for you...but if you love your family enough you'll do it and be a stronger person for it. Good luck.

 
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