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Old 02-19-2005, 03:48 PM   #1
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kiehn HB User
I hate living

Well I must have taken a nose dive today, becaue I truely wish I were dead.
Every singl;e day life is a constant fight but today I just couldnt handle it and Ive been cursing God all day long. I truely believe he hate me and enjoys torturing. Theres no other excuse. I used to be a devoted christian but God decided to make my life a living hell 3 years ago and since then it has been. DONT preach to me about a loving God because as fair as Im concern if God loved so much this world wont be in the shape it is, children
wouldnt be mollested and raped. Elderly wouldnt be abused and abandoned
and forced to eat dog food to afford their perscriptions. Dont see much reason for this post except to vent and believe me I feel enough rage right
now I could probably bend steal with my bare hands. Like Sucks and I
the only escape is death, Im looking forward to mine. K

 
Old 02-19-2005, 03:59 PM   #2
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Re: I hate living

Quote:
Originally Posted by kiehn
Well I must have taken a nose dive today, becaue I truely wish I were dead.
Every singl;e day life is a constant fight but today I just couldnt handle it and Ive been cursing God all day long. I truely believe he hate me and enjoys torturing. Theres no other excuse. I used to be a devoted christian but God decided to make my life a living hell 3 years ago and since then it has been. DONT preach to me about a loving God because as fair as Im concern if God loved so much this world wont be in the shape it is, children
wouldnt be mollested and raped. Elderly wouldnt be abused and abandoned
and forced to eat dog food to afford their perscriptions. Dont see much reason for this post except to vent and believe me I feel enough rage right
now I could probably bend steal with my bare hands. Like Sucks and I
the only escape is death, Im looking forward to mine. K
Hi Kiehn,
I am so sorry you are in such pain. I am sorry you have had to go through so many bad things in your life. My heart goes out to you. Life is hard and it does seem to prey on the weak and the vulnerable.

You give so much of yourself to others on this board. I have drawn strength by your posts. I wish I had a way with words like you do, but I don't. Just please know I am sincere and hope this pain soon passes.

Hang in there and never give up.

Sam

 
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Old 02-19-2005, 04:08 PM   #3
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Re: I hate living

Kein

What do you say to a post like that????...Do I disagree with you that the words stinks at times...Yes....I do not understand how the universe can allow such horrible things to happen to people, but it does.

I know how you feel when you say what's worth living if it's like this?
What I can tell you is that there is a place for all of us out there. We NEED to be here for some reason....What? I can't answer that. We also have a choice with most things in our lives. We cannot choose our parents, we cannot choose our feet!

WE can however choose to make the world a better place...It is how YOU feel you can do this. I cannot answer that. Right now I could tell you to volunteer...that may sound stupid at this moment. I could tell you to run outside and scream...Would it help...possibly. Heck i gpt into a fight with a woman at the grocery store because she wanted to move to the side that I was on????? What is with that? L aughed afterwards and reminded myself that a grammy was needed for that one

To end your life? That's a really tough one...What happens if you did? Do you wonder about who it would affect? Probably many people. I have said on many occassions this world is not worth living in while it is like this. Today may be stinky...but tomorrow, it is going to be different. You have the choice. It truely is in your hands. What is different you ask? AllI can say with honest eyes,different is going to be WAY better than what you are saying today.

Please do not make such a harsh decision because of what you cannot control.

You care...I heard it and saw it in your post. You care whether you want to beleive it or not. What can you do to help yourself? Or how about the elderly? It does take one person to make a difference in someone elses life. Or even at best MANY peoples lives.

What I want to know is what you can do? I know what I can do....I am also in your boat..I can change what I don't appprove of in y life...When I am ready.....I know I will make the right choices.

And so will you. I can promise you that.

 
Old 02-19-2005, 05:48 PM   #4
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xpax HB User
Re: I hate living

Quote: "It does take one person to make a difference in someone else's life". There you have the reason for the world being what it is. The world is a culmination of the interaction of people.
Hitler learned how to make a difference, for the worse. Mother Theresa learned how to make a difference, for the better. There are lots of little Mother Theresas around, and a lot of little Hitlers. Even if a person's influence is only within his family, he/she is by existence an example and influence on others.

In North America, it takes people with good conscience to sustain a democracy. Overseas there are people with no consciences who take for themselves and let the other starve... countries in turmoil, famine, blight.
The Boxing Day tsunami in the east -- hundreds of millions of dollars and hundreds of people are rushing in to help the victims of a natural disaster. It's not fair for the children, but God has His reasons. We in the west still have "Jacob's Blessing", but still we have to face adversity. If there was nothing to conquer then we'd all be a world of wimps.

God gave people FREE CHOICE. The culmination of the interaction of these free choices is what makes up the world today. It is always easier to do the bad thing than it is to do the good thing. That is why we see primarily bad things.

You don't wanna hear it, but it is there -- Jesus is going to physically return to earth and set up a one-thousand year reign, to show us how to run a world. I pray for that to be soon, and is one fantastic hope that keeps me going day after god-awful day.

Where is the Love? Everyone needs love in their life. If I don't have it, then I must rearrange myself so I can find it. Love (emotional, not physical) really does conquer all, and is a great lifeline in depression. I know that. I can be far down, and the parent I look after suddenly needs help. I respond out of Love and I help her, and it helps me to be of some use.

It's always easier to do the bad thing than the good thing, and Love helps us do the good thing. Giving up and cutting out of life is attractive to me sometimes too, but what example am I setting for those who hear about it on the news or in the newspaper? The influence is bad. My conscience takes over. My decision to see the next day helps others to do the same. And if you have noone, go somewhere where you'll find someone or some people and interact positively. That's what God wants out of every person born naked and brand new to this world -- to become a better person and to use that influence positively with the people around us -- one day at a time, one hour at a time. The culmination of interaction of free choices.

Love everyone, Love yourself if only for my sake, xpax

 
Old 02-19-2005, 05:58 PM   #5
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rose_5-HT HB User
Question Re: I hate living

Quote:
Originally Posted by kiehn
Well I must have taken a nose dive today, becaue I truely wish I were dead.
Every singl;e day life is a constant fight but today I just couldnt handle it and Ive been cursing God all day long. I truely believe he hate me and enjoys torturing. Theres no other excuse. I used to be a devoted christian but God decided to make my life a living hell 3 years ago and since then it has been. DONT preach to me about a loving God because as fair as Im concern if God loved so much this world wont be in the shape it is, children
wouldnt be mollested and raped. Elderly wouldnt be abused and abandoned
and forced to eat dog food to afford their perscriptions. Dont see much reason for this post except to vent and believe me I feel enough rage right
now I could probably bend steal with my bare hands. Like Sucks and I
the only escape is death, Im looking forward to mine. K
Do you think about PROTECTING YOURSELF ?

What step could you take in the next few days that could make your life less difficult ?

Do you think about taking care of yourself everyday ?

Do you afford yourself self-esteem ?

Are you able to see the good things you are able to achieve each day ? Are you ?




rose_5-HT

 
Old 02-19-2005, 06:52 PM   #6
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kiehn HB User
Re: I hate living

Thanks to all, like I said today was worse than normal and I cursed God all the
way home. I think he enjoys torturing me though and I imagine he finds my getting
upset and anger humorous. That only proves to me what kind of a god he really is.

To xpax, as I said I was once a devout christian I've read my bible, etc etc etc.
AS to FREE WILL where was my FREE WILL and millions of other who were mollested
and raped, phyciall and emotionally abused. Did we have free will NOOOOOOOOO!!!! only the offender did, so I no longer have faith or trust in God he lied when he said he loved and protected little chidlren. Im sure God has a place for me with all the rage and anger I spoken to him but it's not going to be with him and why would I want to anyway. As far as Im concerned he is a liar, he doesnt Love, care or protect children, the poor, the weak, the elderly. I better stop now!!!

However dispite my feeling about God it doesnt stop me from caring about people,
children, elderly. God sure as hell isnt going to to it we the people have to. God
might persucute me and I might hate him for it, but I still care and when I see them being taken advantage of I speak up and defend them. So where's this wonderful God for them, yet he always seems to be around to protect the wicked, defend the mollesters the rapist, the parent that tortures their child to death, let a murder off, allow drugs to be sold to a child. What wrong with this picture, where is this wonderful God during times like these???

 
Old 02-19-2005, 07:22 PM   #7
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kerry1 HB User
Re: I hate living

Why do you blame God for everything? There's Another Force opposing him that wins far too many times. But if you let that force get to you, you'll give up.

 
Old 02-19-2005, 08:27 PM   #8
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kiehn HB User
Re: I hate living

QUOTE Why do you blame God for everything? There's Another Force opposing him that wins far too many times. But if you let that force get to you, you'll give up. QUOTE

So you're saying God doesnt have control, He made the heavens & the world, he made EVERYTHING!!!, he has full control, he can control evil when he wants to, who do you think created evil in the first place.

Like I said I fight every single day but Im not God so if he pushes me to the point of giving up, he once again proves what kind of God he is.

Last edited by kiehn; 02-19-2005 at 08:30 PM.

 
Old 02-19-2005, 08:57 PM   #9
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Re: I hate living

Forgive me for being disrespectful to anyones belief in God....I am not trying to be.

I just believe we are and should be responsible for our own actions.

Since this is a forum where we are here to help others and ourselves....Would it be ok to leave our thoughts on religion out?

It makes it really tense in here....

I hope you are feeling better K....That's all we wanted four you on such a trying day.

 
Old 02-19-2005, 09:20 PM   #10
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kiehn HB User
Re: I hate living

I'll respect you're wishes, but just so that you know this isnt just a today issue
this has been going on for over three years on a daily basis, it's just I usually
keep it to myself, however it is the main reason for my depression being all the
suffering and pain God has alllowed. As for being responsible for our action yes I agree, but we can't control what God Allows, enough said I will not bring up what I feel is the cause of my depression again. Sorry if I offended anyones beliefs by
expressing my own depression. K

 
Old 02-19-2005, 09:21 PM   #11
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Re: I hate living

Wow... what a sad post. Did something specific happen today, or just a particularly hard day? Do you need to talk about what happened today? We're all here for you and listening, sweetie.

Hugs to you. (((( )))))

-EoR
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Old 02-19-2005, 09:30 PM   #12
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Re: I hate living

Quote:
Originally Posted by EoR
Wow... what a sad post. Did something specific happen today, or just a particularly hard day? Do you need to talk about what happened today? We're all here for you and listening, sweetie.

Hugs to you. (((( )))))

-EoR
Sorry. I guess you answered that in your last post. Must've posted just as I did. Do you need to talk about what happened 3 years ago? You may have, already, but I am relatively new here... Anyway, I have no religous opinion one way or the other, and I'd like to know if there's a way I can help... I hope you keep posting your feelings.

More hugs your way--EoR.
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Old 02-19-2005, 09:40 PM   #13
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Re: I hate living

Me again--sorry. I just wanted to add, please, please, please don't try to hurt yourself! I'd be so sad if anything happened to you and I know so many other would, too. We care about you. I know it's *so* hard being in the depths of depression, but you are such a strong, amazing being. I know you can pull through this.

Be safe....

-EoR
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Old 02-19-2005, 11:15 PM   #14
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kiehn HB User
Re: I hate living

Thanks so much for you offer, what happen three years ago opened my eyes to life,
true reality of this world and God, destroyed my faith. I learned some unbelievable discusting truths about my extended family and for the first time in over 30 years was forced to face the truths of my own childhood and then discovered even my own children had been subjected to the some of same abuse I had. I have forgiven them but I no longer associate witht them, I could never trust them again It's a real long story but the bottom line is my belief is God in in full control of this world and he either chooses to allows or disallow such things to occur. I still fight with the pain and hurt every day, it's just most days I can ignore it by helpping others focusing on other things. Today I just didnt have the strength to keep fighting. I should have known better than to express my feelings of depression here, no one not even different churches have every had any answers or they just didnt want to hear it. Again thanks for you offer but Ive been dealing with this pain on my own for several years and it looks like it will be an even longer time. There's really nothing no one can do. So Ill put my happy face back on keep my mouth shut about my feelings and pretend like everything is find until the next time I overload. Thanks again, K

 
Old 02-20-2005, 06:27 AM   #15
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Re: I hate living

Kiehn,

It sounds to me like you have alot of inner strength......The past is a hard thing to let go of I agree. If having faith in God makes you feel better, than that is what you need to do. It sounds like it does. I could be wrong.

I know it is easy to blame a "god" we all have different names for our belief being...Buddha, Jesus, God, etc...

The truth is...reality that is..we were all put here to make life happen.

This is the hand we have been dealt to us for being given the gift of life. What the people do...we'll that's another trial-story for us.....It's no fault but our own. That is the world.

In my last post I mentioned it takes one person to change the world....another to follow....and another...until one day we realize we need alot more followers to make it right.

See that's where you come in. You have the control to make a difference in your life. And possibly people will be lucky enough to know you and be assisted by you also.

Days come and go thank goodness. They teach us valuable lessons that we are supposed to take with us forever.

I hope the lessons you are learning Kiehn...you hold onto as tight as you can...Someone really needs you today, tomorrow and whatever somes next....

 
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