i've felt like crap for so long and i don't know how to deal with myself anymore. I wrote a lot about it in the mental health boards but it doesn't seem like many people are answering me, and i really need advice
i've been seeing a therapist since last november, but my other soul, Matthew, won't let me tell her anything about him. He hurts me if i try to. So i don't know what to do.
Apart from that, my therapist has been talking to my mother a lot and i have reason to believe that they think i may be bipolar. Most likely because i threatened to kill them in January and almost got arrested for it, and then i ran away from home for a week in February. That's the only reason i can think why they are thinking about that. Am i bipolar? How do i know?
I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I know next to nothing about bipolar disorder so I can't help you there. I am concerned about:
"i've been seeing a therapist since last november, but my other soul, Matthew, won't let me tell her anything about him. He hurts me if i try to. So i don't know what to do."
Your therapist shouldn't be discussing what you talk about in sessions to ANYONE unless you are a minor. Then, the only people s/he can talk with are your parents (and even then it's pretty limited information.) From your post, it sounds like you are a minor?? As for Matthew finding out, the only way would be if you tell him or your parents. I have real concerns for you if he's hurting you for trying to get help.
I'm not judging you in anyway. It really sounds like you want help & to get better but are "stuck". Like Mac said, please share your story & maybe we can help more. If nothing else, most people here are fantastic & supportive. Sounds like you could use that.
I am also concerned about anyone's hurting you. Please take care and do talk to your therapist. You have doctor-patient confidentiality and the therapist cannot divulge things to others except in the circumstances described by CandCrew.
About bipolar disorder: there are a number of places on the Internet that describe the disease. I'm a bit bothered that your therapist has not referred you to a psychiatrist. You could be evaluated and try out some meds. This really ought to be a priority as you can't talk yourself out of bipolar disorder any more than you can talk yourself out of a broken leg.
I agree that you seem "stuck" and perhaps don't know where to turn. Lots of people will be willing (and eager) to help you, so please keep posting and I'd also encourage you to see a psychiatrist or psychopharmacologist as soon as you can. The talk therapy will not be enough and, sadly, there are a number of therapists who don't believe in medications, even in this day and age.
My hope is that you will feel more connected to others here and that you will trust yourself to look for the help you need. You seem like a strong person with a lot of resolve.
Just to say hi, feel free to write anything up here that worries you, we all all nice and supportive people! If you are worried that the person you are talking to will tell people, then just ask them if it is confidential, which I am sure it should be.
are they allowed to tell ur parents stuff? even if ur aminor? id change therapists if ur not happy, if thats possible. im worried about u, i think most people who have replied here are take care
i've been seeing a therapist since last november, but my other soul, Matthew, won't let me tell her anything about him. He hurts me if i try to. So i don't know what to do.
Apart from that, my therapist has been talking to my mother a lot and i have reason to believe that they think i may be bipolar. Most likely because i threatened to kill them in January and almost got arrested for it, and then i ran away from home for a week in February. That's the only reason i can think why they are thinking about that. Am i bipolar? How do i know?
CrimsonTears,
I'm not too familiar with bi-polar, but from what I think I understand of it, your moods swing between extreme happiness and extreme sadness and bleakness. Does this sound like anything you're dealing with?
As for your therapist sharing your information with anyone, unless you are in some type of family therapy, what you say to her should be in the strictest of confidence. It may be that your mom and therapist are trying to work as a team for your benefit, but I would have a tendency to be a little leary of how much and what in particular is being shared.
I do have a question though, what exactly do you mean by your "other soul"? Perhaps if I knew a little more of who Matthew is and what role he plays in your life, I could possibly offer up some advice in this area as well. Do you mind sharing how he hurts you? Is it physical or mental? Regardless, in just plain speaking, no one has the right to threaten you for any reason, especially if it will stand in the way of you getting the help that you need.
Please feel free to keep posting here........there are alot of friendly people with lots of great advice to share. Maybe through this board, you will find your support and ultimately your answers.
Who is your other soul? im a tad bit confused. to me it sounds like you have a split personality, but i think im just not understanding what you mean. if you could clear that up for me that would be great. thanks
this is what i posted in the mental health board about Matthew under the one post i have there, but seems like very few people go in there:
he's inside me, but he's not like...i don't know how to explain it. I can't see him. I can only hear him. He talks to me all the time. And he flashes pictures of death...mine and others...in front of my eyes all the time. He wants to control me, but i've been trying to fight him off for as long as i can.
I don't feel like myself though. My girlfriend, Jess, killed herself in my arms 4 years ago and i can't seem to get over the pain. I want her back so much. The inner pain i couldn't see in her while she was alive now rages in my head. When i lay down to sleep all i ever see is her dying and her sobs and screams pierce the quiet of my room. It's been this way for 4 years. My parents never even knew about her because they hate gay people (i'm female as well) and i don't know how to...deal with myself anymore. When i look in the mirror i see myself...but i see her too...in me. It's almost like i'm transforming into her.
Matthew hurts me by making me hurt myself. I know it sounds stupid and lame. But he makes me take a blade to my skin. He does it. It's not like a split personality i don't think. Isn't that when you don't know when they take control of you or whatever? I'm there with him at all times.
As for my therapist, i'm not sure what she's been telling my mother. But she told me that our meetings are completely confidential. And i am not a minor. But she has said that if i am at risk of hurting myself or others, the confidentiality is broken. And see, i think that's mainly why i'm very weary of telling her. Because Matthew makes me hurt myself, and he wants me to hurt other people. Like in class last week this kid in my psychology class playfully punched me, and next thing i knew i'd taken a pen to his wrist and sliced it open. Not too deep, but it bled quite a bit. My teacher didn't report me though (thank god) because she kinda understands that i have no control over my anger.
And i took the bipolar assessment thing they have on this site and it said that i probably am bipolar, but if i was using drugs and alcohol it may be wrong. I do use drugs and alcohol, but i use them AFTER somethings gone wrong. Like in January when i almost got arrested for threatening to kill my parents and in February when i ran away from home for a week. I got stoned every night and drunk as well. I've been clean since then, but i still feel this unbelievable amount of....worthlessness. Like i'm fighting a losing battle. And i'm so close to saying scr*w it and letting Matthew treat me like a slave...
I don't know that we ever get over the pain of losing someone, especially under the circumstances in which you describe losing your friend Jess. To say it's tragic, is putting it mildly. I'm sure these "flashbacks" and the feelings you are still facing are not helping you to move forward or recover at all. My heart just goes out to you!!
While I understand your therapists reasoning behind her "terminating confidentiality" statement, I can't help but wonder if that fear is keeping you from being able to be completely honest with her. I'm pretty sure that under the same circumstances I would be afraid to "tell the whole truth". Perhaps telling your "whole story" would yield better results in your treatment. Maybe trying a new therapist would help.
It does sound like you may have a split personality. You really need to let your therapist know about Mathew. Until you can release the power he has over you, you will never be able to fully heal. He is the one that is causing you all your pain. If you tell your therapist the fact that he hurts you and doesn't want her to know about him and that you are afraid of him, she will keep you safe. She can't help you if you are not completely honest. I know it is scary.....but it can't be as scary as knowing that if you let him stay.....your life can only get worse.
It is not an easy solution....I can understand your fear and your struggle with being open. I can only hope, that somehow, you will find the strength to do what you know you have to do. Please continue to post. The people here really do care.
thank you so much. i'm glad i finally have a place to...talk....
i told my school counselor about losing jess (i go to my school counselor like every freakin' day) and all she said was i needed to talk to my therapist.
I do like my therapist a lot. We've become good friends. But i'm very scared about talking to her about Matthew. i don't know....how to even approach the subject, much less talk about him. And although i know that it would be good for me if i let it all out with her, i'm afraid of what will happen after that. I just got hired at an attorney's office (i start in 4 weeks, right after i graduate) and it would be detrimental to my mother if her daughter was labelled crazy or something, and i doubt the lawyer would want a crazy person working for him. And it's not like i always hate Matthew. Although he's been a jerk a lot throughout the past couple of years, i've also become....fond of him....but also afraid. He's my closest friend, but my greatest enemy as well. So i'm stuck. I'm not sure what i want.
Split personality? .....we talked about that in psychology class.......but i honestly don't think it sounds like me....but oh well.....
Hi, thanks for elaborating more, obviously I can't diagnose all your worries etc, but maybe you haven't really addressed Jess dying and maybe Matthew embodys all the anger/fear/frustration that you feel from that experience?
Have you ever tried talking to Matthew when he makes you hurt yourself? Or is it not like that? I'm afraid I don't understand exactly what it is like.
I think maybe establishing more trust with a therapist could help, even if it means getting a new one. Then you may feel more inclined to talk about Matthew and can maybe get to the root of some of your problems.
Hi CrimsonTears
I am so sorry to hear about your girlfriend Jess my deepest sympathy goes out to you for your loss. You don't ever just get over a loss but it does get easier with time. I am so sorry your parents are not supportive. My heart goes out to you. You have been through so much and it seems that no one except your therapist will even listen.
It sounds like Michael is a voice from within your head. I have never experienced them but I know people that do. It is something that you can get treatment for. He doesn't have to hurt you anymore but, you have to tell your therapist about him or tell a psychiatrist.
I hope you can get the help you need and please don't feel afraid to post on this board. Everyone is supportive.
yes, i have tried to talk to him when he makes me hurt myself, but he makes me. I don't know how to explain it. I have to hurt myself to ease the....god...i don't know how to expain it.
I smoke weed and OD on meds to make him go away. And i realize that all it's doing is frying my brain
I do like my therapist a lot. We've become good friends. But i'm very scared about talking to her about Matthew. i don't know....how to even approach the subject, much less talk about him. And although i know that it would be good for me if i let it all out with her, i'm afraid of what will happen after that. I just got hired at an attorney's office (i start in 4 weeks, right after i graduate) and it would be detrimental to my mother if her daughter was labelled crazy or something, and i doubt the lawyer would want a crazy person working for him. And it's not like i always hate Matthew. Although he's been a jerk a lot throughout the past couple of years, i've also become....fond of him....but also afraid. He's my closest friend, but my greatest enemy as well. So i'm stuck. I'm not sure what i want.
CrimsonTears,
I'm glad you feel comfortable to talk here. Perhaps in sharing here, you will become clearer on what you want and how you want to proceed.
I am very worried for you over Matthew's ability to make you harm yourself, and still feel that you really need to address him with your therapist. Perhaps if you could think through ways to tell her, or things you would like to say to her, and put it down on paper to take with you to an appointment...it would make it easier for you. I know for me, I can always think of things to say and when it's actually time for me to say them, they get all jumbled, I get all frustrated.....so I just "skip it" for fear of sounding stupid. I've found that by writing things down first, and then usuing it as a "reference" it become easier for me to get my thoughts out. Does this sound like something that could work for you?
Also, no one is going to label you "crazy or something" for seeking help. And as far as your new job goes, no one has to know you're being treated for anything really. Once your therapist has all the facts and can begin treating you for all your problems, you will begin to have better control over them and will not have to worry about it so much anymore.
Another suggestion in dealing with losing Jess is maybe looking into some grief counseling. We have "grief groups" where I live, and they deal with nothing but the loss of loved ones. You may find better support over what your dealing with here. I lost my daughter, also named Jess, in a car accident a few years back. It was very tragic for me and something I still deal with. I found that I really needed to talk about the accident and about her to heal. People who have never personally had to deal with my type of "issue" felt that I should just get over it and move on. Not so easy!! But I did find extreme support in grief counseling, as everyone was willing to offer support because they too were in the same boat...so to speak. It was very comforting and healing to be able to talk freely. Again, this is just a thought.
I also have to say that I agree with Supersezza in the fact that I think Matthew embodies all the "bad things" in your life. I would be curious to know how long Matthew has been around and if his existence coincides with the loss of Jess. But again, and I don't want to sound to pushy about this...but you really need to find it in your heart to let your therapist know about him. I know it's scary, but it seems as if you have alot of support from the people here. Use this support to help get yourself better!! We will all be here for you as you work your way through this.
I understand the pain you're going thru, I wanted to hurt myself, I did hurt myself in many, numerous ways.. It ain't cool.!!! all it did was make it worse for me. I can't hurt myself anymore, but I do think of ways to do so.. I can't, I have a beautiful little girl to think about, and if the state found out, she'd be taken from me,..I'm surprised your therapist hasn't diagonised you with anything. unless I didn't read it.... I myself am diagonised with major depression..
Thanks for your eyes, if this helps Emily
Okay, things make so much more sense now! Sounds like MPD (multiple personality disorder)--but I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist . Please be honest with your therapist. Is she can't handle the situation, seek the assistance of someone that is qualified. In order to treat you, any therapist/psychiatrist needs you to be honest with him/her.
Ditto what Mac said on the other things, especially the not telling coworkers if you don't want to. I've only shared my situation with people that NEED to know & I can trust to keep my confidentiality.
. Please be honest with your therapist. Is she can't handle the situation, seek the assistance of someone that is qualified. In order to treat you, any therapist/psychiatrist needs you to be honest with him/her. 
