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Old 04-18-2005, 10:15 AM   #31
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

NTHEZERO, You seem so doomed. Your probably right, we share a void in our souls the size of the Grand Canyon. If you yell out my name loud enough you might hear a echo. After reading your reply I read some of your posts. You are suffering a great deal. I feel for you. You asked for my help. Well, I don't know how far the blind can lead the blind across a street with broken glass. I wish I could walk up into a children's hospital and give some dying 7 year old whats left of my health. They deserve it and would make more use of it than me.

White, black, asian, hispanic, it doesnt matter hun. Dont be surprised, were not all that different. Were all human made of the same junk inside. Were not what you think, not all of us. Hmm, you must be from the south? Yeah me too. Memphis. A city split right down the middle.

You know at some point you feel like time has just stopped and you wake up and it feels like you wake up to the same sad bad day of the week over and over. Nothing changes. People ask me what day it is, I have no idea sometimes. After awhile you don't feel like counting anymore. Depression is a life sentence, time doesn't matter anymore.

I sound like a broken record by saying this, just like so many people tell me, I don't know what I can do or say to help you. I'm dangling off the edge of the cliff myself. But, I'll tell you this and you can believe it or not. Somethings are impossible, but nothing and noone is hopeless. Its in you, its in me, its in every single person on this board, on his earth everywhere. For some of us its the size of a grain of salt, and some its the size of a grapefruit. But its there. Hope, faith. You have to embrace it. Emptiness can be filled, noones soul is a bottomless pit.

You smoke right? Turn off the lights in your room. Sit in the dark. Metaphorically thats where we are. Thats what depression is. Complete pitch black darkness. Cant see your hand if it was a inch from your face. But we all have a light inside. Flick your lighter. Yeah, its still quite dark, but its all that you have right now and like me you have to find something anything in your life to keep it, ignite it, grow it. Your hopes.

I did alot, some things helped, some didnt. One thing that helped me was I went to group therapy in a hospital. It bought me time. Saved me from killing myself. I sat down, looked around and realized, man, my life dont seem so bad. Im sitting next to a woman who hears voices and cuts herself and a guy crippled from alcoholic seizures. If that doesnt help you appreciate things more then nothing will. Cause that means your heart is somewhere far from you, and your gonna have to find that first if you want to even get started. They gave me strength not because of seeing their affliction, but seeing their resilancy, because here I am being helped by a group of people who wish they could be where I am. Man, its funny how that works. So I stopped feeling sorry for myself, but everyones tolerance is different. Hell is different for everyone. Believe it or not theres probably a homeless person somewhere happier than someone living in a mansion. Forget the abuse, the mental and physical torment, the depression, the fear, the anxiety, I accept all of that, I accepted my past Ive come to terms with it in some ways. Not all, but some. For me, the one thing in life I can't accept is being so physically appaulling that love is impossible for me to find. Some things are just... impossible. I cant except the way I was made. My face, my skin color, my body. Everything. Id feel better if I was a snail. Its just not fair. I can't compete with normal people. I certainly cant compete with the beautiful. I can't compete in this world.

I know its hard. Depression is almost perfect. Its exceedingly and thoroughly efficient in destroying every part of life. Every part of yourself. It just seems like your in a boxing ring and you look across at your opponent and see yourself. Why do you feel you dont deserve things, or blessings as you call it. Guilt... I kind of conquered that. It took a doctor making me realize Im punishing myself for a crime I didnt commit. Imagine the relief I got when I sat up in my hospital bed with a IV and heart monitor strapped to me and told my family, "you can be dissapointed and sad and "boo-hoo why you do this to us" all you want, but its NOT MY FAULT." You think I wanna be here? You think I want this? I never ask for it, noone does. Its not your fault NTHEZERO, so stop punishing yourself.

I used to sleep 14 hours a day. Man those were the glory days. Theres no better anti-depressant in this world than sleep. But I had to stop dreaming so much. Cos there were too many times I would wander in my house looking for my wife, calling her, go back in my room and look down at my bed and realize theres only one pillow, oh and by the way, Im awake now. Dreams can be so real, especially when you dream of something you cant live without. I quit sleeping so much and got a job and stuff. Since I dont self medicate or drink I basically use food as comfort. Better than drugs. I eat like a millionaire sometimes. I just order the best food I can buy. Hey my mind may have to suffer, but who says my tummy does. The food is my 15 minutes. If smoking gets your through 15 minutes, what else can you find in life that can give you 15 more, and then 15 more, and then 15 more, and then 15 more until you can keep yourself in a constant safe, comfort area, stay occupied, Idle hands is the devils playpen.

...I wouldnt be surprised if someone told me hell IS earth.

I'm no saint. Im no serpant. Im just a guy that woke up oneday and started asking questions your not suppose to know the answers to. Im just someone who realized my place, my value, my worth, my meaning, which is nothing. Im in a world dominated by hate. Im tormented with infinite envy. My envious eyes cant help but to glare at every thing and everyone around me thats made better, made smarter, made stronger, made beautiful. Your either born to be a supermodel or a superloser. Im just a ugly guy in a world dominated by beauty. Like oil and water, me and this world just don't mix.

I know youve been through alot, and you cant turn back time. But you can always rewind the clock. You don't need to be down here with me. You don't have to be here. You can find a way out. Theres always a way out. All i can say is best wishes to you and everyone. Im not really a hypocrite. I dunno maybe I am. Lets just say Im down here to let you know your in the wrong place. Turn around, and please.. leave.

 
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Old 04-18-2005, 11:12 PM   #32
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Your words to nth show your strength. What if you helped one person? What if you saved one person? What if you had the chance to do it again? Your desire to help shows the goodness in your soul… the beauty in your soul. You recognize the beauty in other’s souls, sometimes only through writings or possibly just by observation, yet at the same time you notice the bad part in all as well. It hurts like hell to be so damn perceptive, to feel so strongly, to see this cruel world for what it is to the point where you have panic attacks. This is a gift and a plague. You see both beauty and ugly, light and dark, but not as black and white. You are truly and evolved species yet continue to suppress your own beauty and focus on the negative. Break free from the shackles you place upon yourself. That is reason to hope for tomorrow, fight into the future, so this life which is condemning your existence to nothing does not happen to others, does not continue to happen to you. Your experience is what you learn from and then teach from. You have learned so much, and have grown. I was once told that a man must suffer to be wise.

It always comes back to wanting that which you do not have. You have dreams.
‘I dream about holding someones hand at a movie. I dream about sitting in a classroom with my hand raised. I dream about being at work helping others. What does a kiss feel like with someone you love? What does it feel like to dance with friends in a club. What does it feel like to have a social life. Will I ever get to make love to someone special. Will I ever get to hold my child in my arms or chase after him or her in the backyard. Will I ever be able to not be afraid. Can I ever forgive myself. Can I ever love myself. Will life ever begin for me.’
These questions are the good questions. These dreams are great dreams; never give them up and never give up on them. Your reward will come with what your spiritual self could think of as faith. Remember the thing about loving yourself first. That is the first step. These goals may require more time than 15 years, and who knows how long you have, but going out attempting to achive these goals would make your life a complete success. Giving up on them is sad pitiful failure. Mick Jagger said it best. ‘You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might just find, you get what you need.’

Keats was looking at Grecian urn with lovers on it. Timeless art. He derived an unproven proof in this statement.

Keats felt that the deepest meaning of life lay in the apprehension (fear) of material beauty, although his mature poems reveal his fascination with a world of death and decay. I think he is very much like you, he also said ‘Darkling I listen; and for many a time I have been half in love with easeful Death’. The beauty truth statement was made in the imagination while admiring materialistic art. The idea of beauty being truth and truth being beauty, acting as synonyms, actually only exists in the imagination as an unproved proof, because in reality this is by no means true. In the real world, beauty is often fleeting and deceiving, and truth can be uncomfortable and dangerous, or one could even say insidious (you have depth if you can use words like this, so stop selling your self short, it is quite unattractive).

Your analysis of the quote was therefore right, but mostly showed that you are as negative as the flat side of a battery. You had a choice to dig into the positive realm, use your imagination, yet it was so much easier for you to dig into the negative, let society define beauty, and internalize all that is wrong, therefore you did.

There are so many things that have happened to you in your life that are the truth but by no means have any beauty. This is your baggage. You must carry it, but eventually is time to put it down, but keep traveling. Rod, think about moving out and creating a positive space for yourself, where your books can collect dust.

There is light in this world, Do not live in the dark.

And oh yea, The kid, and others, and you, are probably right…..you’re face may look like you were hit by a shovel, but who gives a f*** anyway. Only you. Anyone who does has a problem that hurts you to see and feel. Forgive them, for they are not as enlightened as you.

You could walk into a childrens hospital or volunteer. Stop by the Would you trade a life of paralysis for a pretty face. Every little thing in live is a blessing.

 
Old 04-20-2005, 06:17 AM   #33
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

rfus, a heartfelt thanks for your reply. You remind me of someone I used to play chess with. Not literally, but he helped me choose a path, even gave me tokens for the boat ride across the foggy river. He was the only person in the world that got me to open up the bible and actually read it with a open mind and not like I was reading some comic book. But then he turned his back on me. So I closed the book. I got off the boat. I threw the pawns on the floor. We helped each other, but ultimately we wasted each others time. I still have the tokens he gave me. Hes never asked for them back.

You speak like he does. Which in this case means I basically agree with most of everything you've said. Not all. I took it to heart and just want to say thanks for now, rfus. I appreciate your words and wisdom.

 
Old 04-20-2005, 09:56 PM   #34
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Maybe this is a "crazy" idea. But just maybe, it is not. What do you think would happen, ManApart, if you wrote an Internet personal ad that said something like, "Overweight SBM, works graveyard shift, loves to write, but often doesn't leave the house, seeking female going through similar life, for friendship. I don't care what you look like if you won't care what I look like." What stops you from doing something like that? The reason I ask is, I'm sure out there in your city is someone just like you who would be your friend... Would you consider trying this?

 
Old 04-21-2005, 09:25 PM   #35
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Yo Man,

Check out some other books. One is called 'the power of now', another is called 'how to know god' by Deepak Chopra. I'm not really a fan of organized religion other than for family purposes. It is different down south from what I've seen. I saved my money once, got in my car and just drove around the country for 3+ months. I ended up in Memphis on 40 one night. I swear elvis came to my tent that night. He told me to shave my sidebuns in a dream. But then I realized it was a few born agains stopping by my campsite trying to convince me to be saved and accept Jesus the lord as my savior. Religion is a personal thing and there is no sense in debating it. I listened to what they said and was polite. Who really knows for sure anyhow. If there was some second coming of a Jesus figure I am sure todays society would crucify him even faster than we did the last christ.

I really believe in the goodness, or hope, and faith to keep going like you were talking about. I do believe in a non random force, call it god or what you will, but it is there with us. It is the smiles on babys faces, the incredible life force in nature, the peacefulness in quiet meditation. There is a story of a man that died. He looked back at his life and it was shown as footprints down a long beach. One set of footprints belonged to the man, the other to god. As he followed the footprints the scenes of his life flashed by. He noticed at all the tough, painful, depressed, sad, and lonely times in his life that one of the sets of footprints disapeared. He thought to himself. Why at all these trying times in my life did you leave me god, but his question which was never answered in the course of his life now had an answer. God said, 'I never left you, it was then that I carried you.'

And I only bring that up because it seems that as down as you get, the lowest of the lows, a place you would never wish upon anyone, and hate yourself, you seem to notice a force that keeps you going.

How goes the battle? For me, today, of all the days I have ever had, is one of them. I liked your last post. Your a chess player eh...

I'm white and your black. My move. e4
8 r k b Q K b k r
7 p p p p p p p p
6
5
4 p
3
2 p p p p p p p
1 r k b Q K b k r
a b c d e f g h

I'm not sure about those ads uni. I called one once, she said by day i'm a banker, at night I'm a spanker, but he turned out to be a lawyer who was a full time voyuer.

peace Rod,

rfus

Last edited by rfus; 04-21-2005 at 09:32 PM.

 
Old 04-21-2005, 09:31 PM   #36
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

my chessboard didn't come out right. It looked good in the text but didn't work. If you know how to play alphanumerically I'm all game. I'll even set up a board next to my bed which I'm still stuck in most of the time. We could do a move every day.

 
Old 04-22-2005, 07:22 AM   #37
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

I agree with you ,rufus ,I'm not a big fan of organized religion.I believe there is no room for politics in religion.I prefer to see God in the birds and other creatures he has created.I just don't enjoy church anymore except for the peace I experience when no one is there.I'd like to suggest another book,The purpose driven life which you might enjoy.

 
Old 04-22-2005, 01:38 PM   #38
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

No its not a crazy idea. Its a disasterous one. For me anyway. Its one of the worst experiences of my life. Yeah I had a little profile, even a picture believe it or not. Mermaid knows what I look like, unfortunately. I tried it twice. I guess i could leave well enough alone. Imagine how I felt when I got that first interest email. Like a kid in a candy store. Sometimes you get desperate. And you make mistakes when your desperate. Cos your running carelessly full speed ahead and dont care how you get there.

First time I did it, was a girl name Melissa about 4 years ago. I got her email. Single mother(had the cutest lil girl I ever seen), overweight, white, dirt poor, looking for real relationship, someone who love me for me, blah blah, etc etc etc. We talked on the phone for 2 weeks. She seemed smitten. And I couldn't help but to be entrenched in her venus flytrap. I was.. desperate. We planned to meet. I bought new clothes, new shoes, jewelry, cologne, starved myself for a week, bought flowers. Before I went to her house I looked in the mirror. I saw something Ill probably never see again. It was the closest to normal I ever looked. I looked human. Almost like everyone else. Almost below average even. I wish I could have taken a picture.

We planned to meet on new years eve cos we wanted our first kiss to be at 12. She opened the door. She was wearing probably the finest dress she ever owned and it probably cost $15 from K-mart, but she was beautiful to me. I gave her the flowers, we hugged and it all went to hell from there. Long story short. She faked a headache so we didnt get to kiss that night. But I went home happy. I thought she was genuinely nice. 2 days later I get the worst "You've Got Mail" of my life. It was from her. I was so happy, all her emails prior were so sweet. She wrote "Rod, your the nicest, sweetest man I ever met, but I have to be honest with you, I'm so emotionally and mentally attracted to you, but not physically. I dont deserve you, youve did so much for me, blah blah blah, I didnt bother reading the rest.

I learned a valuable lesson that night. Never trust a average or normal looking woman. Never trust the normal people. Never trust the attractive and certainly not the beautiful. Especially one that acts interested in me.

I tried to kill myself later that night. Drove to a 24 hour waffle house resturant parking lot and sat in the freezing cold for 6 hours listening to sports talk radio til the sun came up. I didnt want to die at night for some reason. I wanted to see the sun one last time as if it was the eye of God looking at me so I could ask him to forgive me, please. I wrote a short suicide letter, folded it and put it in my coat pocket.....Memo to anyone who feels they want to die. Do not try drinking bleach mixed with ammonia and Sprite. Just.. don't. I've done some dumb things in my life and that was one of the dumbest.

The 2nd time was very recent. Last May actually. I was in a dark, morbid place. I mean my sanity was slipping away as each day passed. It was around the same time I checked myself into the hospital for group therapy. But everything was just haunting me all at once. I was being suffocated by loneliness and tormented with envy. My insurance coverage ran out on my group sessions. I got worse and worse. I put up another profile. This time to some foreign website. I thought to myself, Ill find a nice 3rd world country woman and bring her here and treat her like a Queen and give her everything she could ever want if she just loved me genuinely and tried the best she could to forget the fact that Im african american and look like one of those trolls from the Lord of the Rings movie.

I can't say her name right now. Too painful to type. I met her online. She lives in the Philippines. First time I saw her on webcam I thought I bit off more than I could chew. She is just beautiful. There were times she would sit up close to the cam and I just became paralyzed looking at her eyes. She was perfect in my eyes and my heart. Sweet, shy, conservative, dressed very proper, didnt wear alot of make up. She told me about her life, how she had a brother die in front of her, how she walks to school barefoot sometimes, she developed a breasts cyst and her parents had to sell their land for her medication and treatment, they lived in a squatter house the size of my room. But everyday, she was happy. Full of life. She saved my life. She made me appreciate life at that time. She wanted to see me. For months I denied her because, I knew once she saw me, it was over. I sent her some pictures and bought a webcam and a funny thing happened.... we became closer.

I don't know if anyone can fall as deeply inlove with someone as I did with her. My depression was still affecting me, but I was far from where I had been. I had moments where I felt the distant memory of happiness coming back to me. She kept telling me on webcam to smile, smile smile for me. She tell me jokes and make funny faces. And then oneday she didnt have to ask me anymore, I learned how to smile again. For 6 months I worked for free almost saving up for my trip to see her. A November to remember. I got my passport, my tickets. I couldn't believe this. Me, Rod, going around the world, to a beautiful island meeting a beautiful girl, someone wake me! Wait a minute, don't wake me! Were in love. Then came the day before. For 6 months I was oblivious to what would occur that day. Ive talked about it before in previous posts. Lets just say I had the worst panick attack in the history of panic attacks. Couldnt pack my clothes. Felt like I was shovelling bricks in my suitcase. Felt like I was being choked, the awful pain in my stomach, the shaking, vomiting, nausea, and I fought it, got d*mnit I fought it and fought it and fought it like I was on my carpet floor wrestling with a invisible demon. But, it just never would let me go until I made up in my mind I wasnt going. To this day I dont understand what happened to me or why. Its unexplainable, undescribable, its just a mystery to me. The worst thing I ever had to do in my life was phone text her that I couldnt come there. $1400.00 or so dollars down the drain. I was 6 hours away from my flight. From freedom. And fear caught me.

It didnt help that I later found out that I wouldnt be able to bring her to America anyway. You have to jump over Mt. Everest to pull someone out of the philippines. I still deeply love her. Will never forget her. She gave me something I didn't even know existed. It was the most beautiful 6 months of my life. I was able to dream while I was awake.

 
Old 04-22-2005, 02:05 PM   #39
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

i know how u feel! never give up hope no matter what people do care! i care!
~whitney~

 
Old 04-22-2005, 02:37 PM   #40
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Rfus, I have to post this one seperately to you. I never played a board of chess in my life. The chess game I was talking about was the mental chess game me and my former chessmate played. Because with every negative move I made he would checkmate me something positive. And it seemed like he blocked me from the negative patterns and maneuvers my distorted mind would conjure up. When I read your post it just seemed like you countered me. You made sense and made me.. think.

I don't know if I help Nth. But I think I almost helped someone once. There was young woman in one of my group therapy classes that I exchanged phone numbers with. They always enocouraged patients not to communicate with oneanother outside of group. Its like a unwritten rule. I can definitely see why. Not saying she wasn't a nice person but she was about as unstable as a volcano. I'd get these 10 pm calls of her rattling her little bottle of Lexapro telling me shes going to take them all and she can't take it anymore. I'd sit up and talk her through her panic attacks and calm her down til I got that first little giggle out of her, then it was goodnight. Then I found myself in an even more volatile situation. She called me mid-day once crying because her ex-boyfriend was there beating her. I asked her to give me her address cos I was going to call the police, but she refused. I will never understand that about women. Man, I knew the street, knew where the house was, just not the address. So I had to drive over there myself with no clue what I'm going to do. I can't fight. Like I said, I'm the cowardly lion. But hey at least this is a little break from the endless boredom that is my life. What the heck.

I got there and he was gone. I sat next to her, talked to her. Told her she was beautiful and didnt seserve to go through this. Took her to get something to eat, made her feel a little better. Then she noticed I was in a state of discomfort. I'd maxed out the time Im usually able to function in public. My keen awareness or delusions started to kick into overdrive and I was no longer able to focus on anything while my envy colored shades were on. It starts with a group of friends, or a attractive couple sharing a soda to my left, or a couple holding hands across the street. The normal people. The normal life. I crave it like a vampire craves blood. She asked me if Id stick around at her place, I told her I had to go but Id see her at group tomorrow. I sped home like fear and anxiety was in a mack truck chasing me from behind. I never saw or heard from her again. Guess her insurance ran out for group. Guess Im too afraid too call. She needed a friend. Something a hermit like me cant provide her.

I don't know if I'm a good person or not. I'm very much a contradiction. I have enormous compassion for people but equally as much hatred and anomosity towards the world.

Suffering does make you wise. It does something else too. It humbles you. There are many things I want I don't have. Simple things. If Im still asking the same questions now at 26 I was asking when I was 16, what makes me think Ill ever get what I want OR need out of life. I haven't gave them up, but Ive been hurt and hurt alot of people trying to obtain them. These simple little dreams. Some people dream of being a rock star or movie star or politician. Me at 26, I dream about my first kiss, my first day back in college, my first real date. I dream about oneday being able to go out on the weekend and see a movie with friends, or just being able to go to a theme park or mall somewhere and just relax all day just for once without worrying about a panic attack. I dream about a day when I dont have to pop a clonazepam in my mouth just so I can go to the store or to a gas station to fill my car.

Loving myself.... Loving me? Loving myself. Ahh, saying it just sounds like a oxymoron. Id love me if I didnt hate me so much. Boy thats a toughie. You know, Id love myself immensely if there were no mirrors in the world and everyone thought that ugly was the newest trend. I could light myself on fire and it would enhance my looks.

Yeah it is hard to have so many good qualities... inside. Yeah im a pessimist. Im extremely negative, because until something positive happens Im always going to be negative. Until someone see me for me and accepts me for me Im always going to be negative, until the world flips from shallow to unshallow Ill always be negative, until peace and love prevail over war and hate, Ill always be negative. Until I can stop being turned down for job cos of the color of my skin Ill always be negative. Until my dad and sister stop having sex behind my mothers back ever so steadily prompting me to shatter what little is left of this family, Ill always be negative. Until depression and anxiety disorder decides it wants to give me my life back Ill always be negative. But thats a fantasy world. I live in a world where people hate and fear the color of my skin, repulsed by my looks, and in a world where people vomit out anything with more than 20 grams of fat in it and spend thousands on pills, weight loss and cosmetic surgery just so they dont have to look like me. Its a obsession for a reason. Human being cant bear living without being accepted, having attention, feeling wanted, and being love.

Oh but I have so much to live for. I have a car and a nice place to live and my health despite being diabetic. I dont care for material things. You cant see a car smile back at you. You cant hug a tv. You cant kiss a Xbox, you cant hold hands with a DVD player. I dont care about this crap. Id trade it all in. I used to be poor once. Used to sleep on the floor while mice ran across my feet. I know what poverty is like. But it doesnt hold a candle to having poverty of the mind. The poor can be rich, the sick can be cured, but the duck can never swim with the swan. Show me one thing a unattractive 26 year old black man from memphis with Morbid depression, OCD, and anxiety, diabetes should be positive about? Sometimes I feel like theres nothing wrong with me, I just live in a seriously F'ed up world.... Nah its me... No its the definitely the world. Well, ok its both.

Im moving out soon. I think itll help. Moving away from this toxic enviroment. Breathing some good air.

I can never forgive them. The people that tortured frankenstein. They all took part in it. I can see each face. I can hear every laugh. I can see them all pointing at me. The laughing, I cant stand it. Every punch. Every slap or kick. Every nick name they gave me. Every scar. My broken leg. Everything stolen. All the abuse, the torment. I jus feel like a circus freak. Kids, teenagers, adults, its all the same. Just different ways of showing it relentless indulgence of gratifying themselves and their existence by showing theyre normal and better than you. The world puts you in your place. Biggest lie in the bible is that were all created equal.

I'm never spending another day reading any religious books. If there is a God he can judge me now and I swear if my name wasnt in the Book of life in Heaven Id be shocked. So you tell me I have to go from Hell A to Hell b? I only struggle with my faith because this world has tainted your grace. I dont see anything of God here. They wiped out every trace of goodness. God is a world broken into a trillion pieces. How am I suppose to pick up a few and base my entire life on it. I just dont know.

There is something that keeps me going. Its a collection of things. I cant really explain it right now though. Im in a mudslide emotionally right now. I've made the first move. That is all you know. Peace to you too, rfus and everyone else.

 
Old 04-22-2005, 05:01 PM   #41
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Rod... (deep breath)...I've debated posting in this thread for a long time. The last person who I posted to who felt insecure in his looks tore me down and accused me of making a mockery of his plight--which couldn't have been further from my intentions. However, I realize that you and he are not one and the same, and I'd like to take a shot, if only to give you a glimmer of hope.

When people speak of themselves as ugly, I think of my boyfriend. No, not because he's ugly--but because other people have tended to perceive him that way because he's not run of the mill. You mentioned a little girl pointing and commenting on your looks. My boyfriend gets that nearly every time we go out. Maybe, given your ethnicity, you're familiar with keloids. If not, what keloids are, are raised, puffy scars. You can do an image search for keloids on the web and get a good visual. My boyfriend has one large keloid on his right cheek, and two on his left. He has them all over his back, and sporadically on his arms, torso, and legs. He's balding. He's overweight. He wears glasses. That is how he looked when I met him. That is how he looked when I fell in love with him. He could have been in your place, and simply deemed himself, "ugly," doomed to never know friendship and love. Instead, he put on a smile everyday, opened up to people, did what any "beautiful" person would do, and not only was he popular in "his day," many girls had a crush on him. I feel downright *lucky* to be the winner of this amazing man, and I think I have the most beautiful person alive. Now, you may think that I must not be a prize, myself, and so I just took what came along. Not so. While I personally don't find myself attractive, I had 12 boyfriends prior to Kris, and at the time I met Kris, I had people telling me I looked like Alicia Silverstone. I was hardly desperate. Nor am I unique. I see interesting couplings all the time. Kris has a friend who looks like a Cameron Diaz replica who is married to a man that must be at least 150 pounds overweight. Yes, there are many shallow people in this world, but if you'll be receptive to the belief that people like myself or LeAnn (Carmen's twin) are out there, you'll also find that love is in your cards, too.

I don't know if my post will change anything. I just want you to know... you're not ugly. No way.

Hugs,
EoR
__________________
~Even an Eeyore needs a hug.~ (Hug Me Eeyore)

Last edited by EoR; 04-22-2005 at 05:15 PM.

 
Old 04-22-2005, 07:39 PM   #42
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Unicorn430 HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Hi EoR,
Love in the cards..... I wonder about love being in the cards and how does one know where and when? How does one not be too afraid? Or how does one recognize the chance and take it when that person is terrified of being hurt?
I think you're right that for the most part, it's not really about "looks"... at my job, I have to cashier a lot, and most of the people who come through my line have wedding rings on their left hands. They run the entire spectrum "looks-wise." However, I am also getting good at predicting who will not have the ring... it's often the people who look the most exhausted or depressed, emotionless. And I wonder, do they look that way because the lonliness has "gotten to them," or are they lonely because they are depressed and thus isolate themselves? But there is also a difference between being able to "get a date" and being a person someone wants to marry. I've had boyfriends, consider myself average looking, but have not yet been loved "enough" to be given the ultimate love gift: wedding vows. I keep writing in here about my recent break-up (his decision that after 4 years, I was not worth committing to). I am struggling so much not to isolate myself. I don't feel I really know HOW to put myself out there. So perhaps your boyfriend can write up some advice for all of us, and you could post it here? Specifically what strategies and techniques did he use to make new friends, attract his girlfriends and you, without coming across as desperate or coming on too strong?

 
Old 04-23-2005, 10:10 AM   #43
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Rod- sometimes it's the emotional scars that make us turn away from others rather than the physical, don't you agree? Human nature being what it is, people are attracted to those who make them feel better about themselves aren't they? "Oh, they make me feel cheerful, positive and happy" and so on and don't require much on an emotional level. Not many want to scratch the surface and see what lies beneath- that's too much hard work-too much reality. On a different note- if you loved this girl and she cared for you, couldn't someone else. Excuse my crass remarks, I expect you've heard them all before but you remain in my thoughts every day. Teresa.

 
Old 04-23-2005, 07:19 PM   #44
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

EoR, your making a mockery of me! Just kidding... Bad humor attempt. Im sorry for whoever you intented to help tried to tear you down. I can understand its a sensitive subject to alot of people but Ive been criticized, demonized, called a fraud, banned, and called all kinds of other things on this board. But I never put someone down for taking the time to say something to me, good or bad.

I know a persons perception of you shouldnt become your reality. But what about a hundreds or thousands of people's percetion of you. What good is a mirror when you have hundreds of them walking around reflecting what you look like to them. Your boyfriend must have thick skin. I dont have any skin. Thats why I isolate. I cant stand salt being rubbed on my wounds. Its hard to accept something when it compromises your entire existence negatively and severely and you cant do anything to change it.

Lets not forget im suffering from depression and anxiety. Im probably not as ugly as I would preceive myself...well, no I really do look that bad. But I do admit my mental health distorts what I really see in the mirror at times. And alot of things manifest inside me that isnt really there. There are exceptions to the rules. Ive seen a badly burned man with his wife/girlfriend and kid at a park once and he had his shirt off and was having the time of his life. There are exceptions. But the rules are still there. Some people have it, some dont. I guess I dont. I always go back to telling the story of when I was in college a few years ago and I was doing my best to be confident, and outgoing, and social under advisement of my counsellor at the time. He told me to "fake it." Ill never forget it cos it just proved my point and ultimately lead to me dropping out 7 weeks later. I sat in the front row, something I never did. Handed out paper. Was nice to everyone. I told a joke in class. Noone laughed. Ahh ok maybe it wasn that funny. No big deal. Another student walked in class late. Slim attractive guy, dumb as a log, wasnt very bright and frequently slept in class. And for some reason many of the classmate loved him, wanted to sit next to him. So anyway this particular day he came in late, sat down, about 15 minutes later he told the EXACT joke I said. The class erupted. Laughing hysterically. You dont laugh with frakenstein. You laugh at him. Thats another extraordinary thing about beauty. It enhances your sense of humor tremendously.

I think you are a prize. A extremely rare precious peice of something special. You cant find love in someones skin and bones. It doesnt exist there but constantly people fall so deeply in love with the look of the candy and not the taste of it. You find it with your heart, not your eyes.

Alicia Silverstone huh? *whistle* I can't whistle but at least I can type it.

One reason I have so much anomosity towards dating is because of the unfair degree of difficulty of it. Plus Im way too sensitive to be crushed and judged to pieces. You strike out and strike out and strike out and then here comes some handsome guy at the plate and hits a game winning grandslam. When you start talking about strategies and techniques like your diagraming a football play, thats when I just lose all faith and ponder if its worth all of this. Just for love. Looking for that needle in a stack of needles. The more needles I dig and pick through the more I get stuck. The more I bleed. The more I hurt. The more you just want to give up. The rejections build up to a point where your feelings are so raw you cant even walk up to anyone anymore. It just hurts for me to know, Im noones type.

EoR. Thank you. You are very sweet and im grateful you wrote me after all the debating. But I think that even you have to agree that to me you and people like you are needles in a stack of needles. I know shes out there, but Ill never find her.

Te34resa, for some yes its the emotional scars. For me its both emotinal and the physical scars. I can make people laugh, blush, flutter, and all those type of things, but th emost important thing to most people is having arm candy. Thats priority number one.. Human nature. The rules of attraction. Societies standards. People more than likely take the pleasure their eyes can provide them. You know what I am to most women? The perfect friend. I make them feel great and butter them up and oh they wish they could find a guy as sweet as me, just not as ugly.

She loves me yes. Shes from a 3rd world country, she has alot of incentives to look way pass my mug. I look awfully handsome to someone like her. Shes humble, conservative, and in her mind Im a American King. If she was raised in this country Id find it hard she would feel the same way. Because humbleness doesnt exist in this society. We have too much of everything. And vanity and shallowness is 2nd nature here.

Thanks for ur remarks, and for your thoughts.

 
Old 04-23-2005, 08:33 PM   #45
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Unicorn430 HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Hi Rod,
It's Saturday night, and I'm sitting alone, and I thought of you. It's amazing to me that you're only 26 (I'm 25), because you write like you're in your 30's at least. You probably feel like you are. I do too, most of the time. I dread getting older, but that's another post. Anyway, you just wrote, "I know she's out there, but I'll never find her." I know it's easier not to try... I am just barely starting to try to date after a horrid heartbreak, and I am resisting it. Maybe I am scared... afraid to open my heart... afraid I will yet will be rejected, but I also know you and I are too young to give up. I know you're tired of hearing that, and it's easier for me, because I don't have anxiety, and I don't dislike how I look, but please don't read this post, sigh, and think, "What does she know?" or "I can't." You're the one who just wrote, "She's out there." Yes, looking is risky and is a HUGE mountain to climb, but let's say you look but don't find her, will you feel worse than you do now? I don't really think so, you'll feel the same. Besides, you could always just keep trying and keep trying. That is what I plan to do, because I realize if I don't, I end up alone and regret not trying. But if I do keep trying, well, maybe I will find someone. I know neither one of us wants to be back here in 5 years regretting not even trying. I know I keep saying the same things to you every time I post; please don't be upset. I know how difficult it is to keep feeling pain, how tempting it is to "harden your heart." I know you have horrendous things to deal with (such as the situation between your father and sister, oh my lord, do I feel for you and her and your mom.) I know you don't feel "thick skinned" enough to handle the possibility of a lot of rejection. I don't, either. But maybe we could form a little support group here with others who feel similar, and support each other in our efforts, and keep each other posted. Let me know if you reach a point you're willing to try again. Of course the bad, depressed days will come back, when none of us will want to try anymore , and we'll want to give up, but then eventually a "good" day will come when we think, Well, maybe I can....

 
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