Rod... (deep breath)...I've debated posting in this thread for a long time. The last person who I posted to who felt insecure in his looks tore me down and accused me of making a mockery of his plight--which couldn't have been further from my intentions. However, I realize that you and he are not one and the same, and I'd like to take a shot, if only to give you a glimmer of hope.
When people speak of themselves as ugly, I think of my boyfriend. No, not because he's ugly--but because other people have tended to perceive him that way because he's not run of the mill. You mentioned a little girl pointing and commenting on your looks. My boyfriend gets that nearly every time we go out. Maybe, given your ethnicity, you're familiar with keloids. If not, what keloids are, are raised, puffy scars. You can do an image search for keloids on the web and get a good visual. My boyfriend has one large keloid on his right cheek, and two on his left. He has them all over his back, and sporadically on his arms, torso, and legs. He's balding. He's overweight. He wears glasses. That is how he looked when I met him. That is how he looked when I fell in love with him. He could have been in your place, and simply deemed himself, "ugly," doomed to never know friendship and love. Instead, he put on a smile everyday, opened up to people, did what any "beautiful" person would do, and not only was he popular in "his day," many girls had a crush on him. I feel downright *lucky* to be the winner of this amazing man, and I think I have the most beautiful person alive. Now, you may think that I must not be a prize, myself, and so I just took what came along. Not so. While I personally don't find myself attractive, I had 12 boyfriends prior to Kris, and at the time I met Kris, I had people telling me I looked like Alicia Silverstone. I was hardly desperate. Nor am I unique. I see interesting couplings all the time. Kris has a friend who looks like a Cameron Diaz replica who is married to a man that must be at least 150 pounds overweight. Yes, there are many shallow people in this world, but if you'll be receptive to the belief that people like myself or LeAnn (Carmen's twin) are out there, you'll also find that love is in your cards, too.
I don't know if my post will change anything. I just want you to know... you're not ugly. No way.
Hugs,
EoR
__________________
~Even an Eeyore needs a hug.~ (Hug Me Eeyore)
Hi EoR,
Love in the cards..... I wonder about love being in the cards and how does one know where and when? How does one not be too afraid? Or how does one recognize the chance and take it when that person is terrified of being hurt?
I think you're right that for the most part, it's not really about "looks"... at my job, I have to cashier a lot, and most of the people who come through my line have wedding rings on their left hands. They run the entire spectrum "looks-wise." However, I am also getting good at predicting who will not have the ring... it's often the people who look the most exhausted or depressed, emotionless. And I wonder, do they look that way because the lonliness has "gotten to them," or are they lonely because they are depressed and thus isolate themselves? But there is also a difference between being able to "get a date" and being a person someone wants to marry. I've had boyfriends, consider myself average looking, but have not yet been loved "enough" to be given the ultimate love gift: wedding vows. I keep writing in here about my recent break-up (his decision that after 4 years, I was not worth committing to). I am struggling so much not to isolate myself. I don't feel I really know HOW to put myself out there. So perhaps your boyfriend can write up some advice for all of us, and you could post it here? Specifically what strategies and techniques did he use to make new friends, attract his girlfriends and you, without coming across as desperate or coming on too strong?
Rod- sometimes it's the emotional scars that make us turn away from others rather than the physical, don't you agree? Human nature being what it is, people are attracted to those who make them feel better about themselves aren't they? "Oh, they make me feel cheerful, positive and happy" and so on and don't require much on an emotional level. Not many want to scratch the surface and see what lies beneath- that's too much hard work-too much reality. On a different note- if you loved this girl and she cared for you, couldn't someone else. Excuse my crass remarks, I expect you've heard them all before but you remain in my thoughts every day. Teresa.
EoR, your making a mockery of me! Just kidding... Bad humor attempt. Im sorry for whoever you intented to help tried to tear you down. I can understand its a sensitive subject to alot of people but Ive been criticized, demonized, called a fraud, banned, and called all kinds of other things on this board. But I never put someone down for taking the time to say something to me, good or bad.
I know a persons perception of you shouldnt become your reality. But what about a hundreds or thousands of people's percetion of you. What good is a mirror when you have hundreds of them walking around reflecting what you look like to them. Your boyfriend must have thick skin. I dont have any skin. Thats why I isolate. I cant stand salt being rubbed on my wounds. Its hard to accept something when it compromises your entire existence negatively and severely and you cant do anything to change it.
Lets not forget im suffering from depression and anxiety. Im probably not as ugly as I would preceive myself...well, no I really do look that bad. But I do admit my mental health distorts what I really see in the mirror at times. And alot of things manifest inside me that isnt really there. There are exceptions to the rules. Ive seen a badly burned man with his wife/girlfriend and kid at a park once and he had his shirt off and was having the time of his life. There are exceptions. But the rules are still there. Some people have it, some dont. I guess I dont. I always go back to telling the story of when I was in college a few years ago and I was doing my best to be confident, and outgoing, and social under advisement of my counsellor at the time. He told me to "fake it." Ill never forget it cos it just proved my point and ultimately lead to me dropping out 7 weeks later. I sat in the front row, something I never did. Handed out paper. Was nice to everyone. I told a joke in class. Noone laughed. Ahh ok maybe it wasn that funny. No big deal. Another student walked in class late. Slim attractive guy, dumb as a log, wasnt very bright and frequently slept in class. And for some reason many of the classmate loved him, wanted to sit next to him. So anyway this particular day he came in late, sat down, about 15 minutes later he told the EXACT joke I said. The class erupted. Laughing hysterically. You dont laugh with frakenstein. You laugh at him. Thats another extraordinary thing about beauty. It enhances your sense of humor tremendously.
I think you are a prize. A extremely rare precious peice of something special. You cant find love in someones skin and bones. It doesnt exist there but constantly people fall so deeply in love with the look of the candy and not the taste of it. You find it with your heart, not your eyes.
Alicia Silverstone huh? *whistle* I can't whistle but at least I can type it.
One reason I have so much anomosity towards dating is because of the unfair degree of difficulty of it. Plus Im way too sensitive to be crushed and judged to pieces. You strike out and strike out and strike out and then here comes some handsome guy at the plate and hits a game winning grandslam. When you start talking about strategies and techniques like your diagraming a football play, thats when I just lose all faith and ponder if its worth all of this. Just for love. Looking for that needle in a stack of needles. The more needles I dig and pick through the more I get stuck. The more I bleed. The more I hurt. The more you just want to give up. The rejections build up to a point where your feelings are so raw you cant even walk up to anyone anymore. It just hurts for me to know, Im noones type.
EoR. Thank you. You are very sweet and im grateful you wrote me after all the debating. But I think that even you have to agree that to me you and people like you are needles in a stack of needles. I know shes out there, but Ill never find her.
Te34resa, for some yes its the emotional scars. For me its both emotinal and the physical scars. I can make people laugh, blush, flutter, and all those type of things, but th emost important thing to most people is having arm candy. Thats priority number one.. Human nature. The rules of attraction. Societies standards. People more than likely take the pleasure their eyes can provide them. You know what I am to most women? The perfect friend. I make them feel great and butter them up and oh they wish they could find a guy as sweet as me, just not as ugly.
She loves me yes. Shes from a 3rd world country, she has alot of incentives to look way pass my mug. I look awfully handsome to someone like her. Shes humble, conservative, and in her mind Im a American King. If she was raised in this country Id find it hard she would feel the same way. Because humbleness doesnt exist in this society. We have too much of everything. And vanity and shallowness is 2nd nature here.
Hi Rod,
It's Saturday night, and I'm sitting alone, and I thought of you. It's amazing to me that you're only 26 (I'm 25), because you write like you're in your 30's at least. You probably feel like you are. I do too, most of the time. I dread getting older, but that's another post. Anyway, you just wrote, "I know she's out there, but I'll never find her." I know it's easier not to try... I am just barely starting to try to date after a horrid heartbreak, and I am resisting it. Maybe I am scared... afraid to open my heart... afraid I will yet will be rejected, but I also know you and I are too young to give up. I know you're tired of hearing that, and it's easier for me, because I don't have anxiety, and I don't dislike how I look, but please don't read this post, sigh, and think, "What does she know?" or "I can't." You're the one who just wrote, "She's out there." Yes, looking is risky and is a HUGE mountain to climb, but let's say you look but don't find her, will you feel worse than you do now? I don't really think so, you'll feel the same. Besides, you could always just keep trying and keep trying. That is what I plan to do, because I realize if I don't, I end up alone and regret not trying. But if I do keep trying, well, maybe I will find someone. I know neither one of us wants to be back here in 5 years regretting not even trying. I know I keep saying the same things to you every time I post; please don't be upset. I know how difficult it is to keep feeling pain, how tempting it is to "harden your heart." I know you have horrendous things to deal with (such as the situation between your father and sister, oh my lord, do I feel for you and her and your mom.) I know you don't feel "thick skinned" enough to handle the possibility of a lot of rejection. I don't, either. But maybe we could form a little support group here with others who feel similar, and support each other in our efforts, and keep each other posted. Let me know if you reach a point you're willing to try again. Of course the bad, depressed days will come back, when none of us will want to try anymore , and we'll want to give up, but then eventually a "good" day will come when we think, Well, maybe I can....
Unicorn, Hi. I hope your fine and not too alone there. Im sorry for your heartbreak. Ive had many myself. Its amazing what a 8th grade level reader can do sometimes huh? lol. I never really learned anything in school until about the 11th grade when my parents put me in a catholic school. I salvaged as much of my education as I could.
You dread getting older cos you dread looking unattractive? Don't worry. Beauty doesn't age. Only your skin and body does. But you already know that. Of course every donkey, zebra, horse, even a Clydesdale aspire to be a Unicorn like you.
It is easier not to try. Its just like stockpiling painful memory after painful memory. Every experience is a "heartbreak." You can wear armour from head to toe but once you expose your heart your risking it all. How many fatal blows can ones heart take. Just like I previously posted, I almost committed suicide because one girl hit a bullseye. That arrow stuck in my chest for years. Now Ill never hurt myself because of anyones rejection again, but its hard when someone tells you your the nicest person in the world, but too repulsive to be with physically.
I'm in a very complicated situation right now. Im deeply inlove with someone I can't be with. Biggest mistake of my life. The most beautiful mistake of my life. And its going to end very very bad for both of us. I can't fall out of love with this person. I cant break contact with her yet. Because the moment I do, I have nothing. And I might resort back into that black hole I was in last year when I had Mental health care people coming to my house 3 times a week making sure I didnt kill myself. I was thirsting for death to the point that it brought me joy to know I had a way out. I can check out of this crappy hotel anytime now. Nothing can force me to be here, to suffer. I had planned to do it on my birthday. I remember thinking it was going to be the best birthday ever. For the first time I knew exactly what I wanted for a present.
Your still in a healing stage. Dont throw yourself to the wolves just yet. Your not avoiding it, your wounded and scared. The break is still too fresh in your mind. Once you get over him and give yourself time, I think you'll be fine. Lonliness is not a way of life for you as it is for me. Just remember right now your lonely by choice, Im lonely by force.
I love her...... I .... really cant get into it. Dont feel like crying right now. I just made the terrible mistake of falling inlove with someone on the other side of the earth. Im trying to get her to airmail me my heart back but shes holding on to it for dear life and depending on me to get on a plane and fly 10, 000 miles to see her. I dont think a jumbo Jet can hold all the baggage I would have to carry on there. I cant blame her cos I cant seem to let go of her heart either. Its just, complicated. You know there torture, theres agony, theres torment, and then theres this. If I could hold her in my arms for 10 seconds, everything Ive been through would be worth it. My life would be a success. And the old cliche, I could die that moment, very happy.
Dont feel sorry for my sister. Shes 39, my father is 62. She is a willing participant in what is the most sickening act of betrayal I have ever seen. Its like a horror movie and Im co-starring in it. I told my mom once before. She forgave them. I never forgave them. But she forgave them. I caught them again. Now what. I just dont know what to do anymore, except move out. But Ill carry the guilt my mom is throwing at me making me feel Im abandoning her. I just cant live here anymore.
I find myself more willing to fall inlove with death again than to let another person stomp on my heart. Plus like I said, my heart is with someone already. Right now Im in the process of looking up at this huge mountain and figuring out if I can climb it. It just looks like a dead end. If there was any possibility we could be together, then the meaning of my life would be revealed.
hey rod.
i just wanted to tell you a quick story, because it's relevant to the recent discussion on this thread, and it couldn't have better timing.
i'm home for the weekend (it's passover) so i was sleeping in my bed when my dad came in to wake me up this morning. he sat down on the edge of the bed, and when i opened my eyes he was gently touching my face. he then told me, "i have been meaning to tell you this, but there's something different about you. i don't know if it's the way you've been wearing your hair, doing your makeup, or the way you've been dressing, but you are absolutely beautiful. despite all of this that you are going through, you have been so strong, and it shows such maturity. you don't look like a teenager anymore, you are blossoming into a young adult and you are just radiant and beautiful, even when you first wake up." now i didn't see that coming from a mile away, but just having my dad say that to me first thing in the morning when i woke up, it made my day.
i don't know if this will help you at all, but i think there is something to learn from this story. beauty isn't just on the outside. true, my dad did say that it could be the way i've been dressing myself or doing my hair or makeup, but i don't think that's what he meant. he said there was something about the way i carried myself, just the aura that i gave off, that was beautiful. ... now, i'm not just saying this because i know what you look like, but you are a beautiful person, inside and out. just the warmth and energy that you bring to the boards, and the passion in your writing, it is truly beautiful. i know what you have been through more than any of the people on these boards - i have been there for you for over a year, to hear your stories of heartache and loss, and to comfort you and console you in times of need. but you have no idea what you have meant to me this past year. even when you were feeling like the lowest of lows, you were there to comfort and console me in my times of need, and i couldn't be more grateful. no matter how many times i put myself down, you have been there to bring me right back up again, and for that i thank you.
ok, i've gone off again. i told myself this wasn't going to be a long post but i lied. this post probably has accomplished nothing, makes no sense, and has had no positive influence whatsoever, but i felt like writing and this is what came out. i've got mounds and mounds of work to do, so i'm going to get back to it, but i just felt like adding my two cents and letting you know i'm still here and i still care. hang in there, together we can get through anything.
all my best,
meredith
Last edited by MermaidMer; 04-24-2005 at 10:01 AM.
Meredith, you trying to get mushy with me girl. Ahh that made me a little teary-eyed. Thanks, I appreciate it. But I do want to very very VERY much agree with your father in saying that you really are a strong young woman. I envy your strength and beauty. And I definitely agree that your incredibly beautiful as well.
As I said before though, some people have it some people don't. Thanks for your compliment. I know you know what I look like and I thank you for being very very kind. lol. We've been there for each other remember that.
Dont ever promise not to write a long post. And there you go again putting yourself down thinking you wont accomplish anything when you write. I smile when I see youve posted. A. cos that means your still alive. haha. And B. that means you really care. Youve been a very positive influence on me. Kept me going. Not just you, Geena too, wherever she is. Hang in there yourself, get that work done, think of it as a challenge. A woman with the strength you have, I have no doubt you'll come through and graduate. You've overcame tougher obstacles than this.
there you go calling me beautiful when you don't even know what i look like! lol it's a pure fluke that i know what you look like, and i'm not even sure if i remember anymore, but honestly, since we're online everyone looks like a computer screen to me. that's the wonderful thing about anonymity. speaking of not knowing what people look like, though, i went on a blind date this weekend. my friend sarah, who goes to penn, set me up with this boy noah who is in the same fraternity (dtd) as her boyfriend. since i was home for the weekend and i live about 20 minutes outside the city, i took a train in and met up with him. we went to dinner at a nice restaurant called pod, and then we went to his fraternity's party. since it's the end of the year, this was like a big bash with lots of people there. i knew no one, so i just kept drinking to feel more comfortable, and i ended up drinking noah under the table. unfortunately, i think i had too much to drink and i kissed him (nothing more than kissing happened) but now he's been calling me and iming me incessantly. don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy, very sweet and all, but i just don't think i'm ready to get into a relationship or anything right now. he just doesn't seem my type and i don't know how to let him down lightly. we didn't have much to talk about at dinner, and then at the party there were so many people and it was so loud with the music and everything, that it was hard to get to know him. i'm a horrible person, i know, please don't yell at me, but i'm so overwhlemed with everything else in my life (graduation, job search, etc) that i can't be bothered with a love life. i think i'm destined never to love again, even when i have guys practically throwing themselves at me. but like i feel i am entitled enough to not settle for anything less than butterflies. this guy doesn't give me butterflies, and i want butterflies!
ok rant done, sorry i took over this thread, i just don't know how to deal with life anymore. can someone at least guide me in the right direction?
sorry, roddy, didn't mean to dominate this, maybe you can help in some way? and remember, i'm always here for you when you need me.
all my best,
meredith
Last edited by MermaidMer; 04-25-2005 at 03:50 PM.
Ah ha. I didn’t take you for a chess player, but in looking back, it was a good analogy. Tokens and the boatman too, I don’t want to assume that you’ve read Dante, but your depression and anxiety sounds like one of his circles of hell.
I do like your stories. Sad but True. Your recollection of events in your life is by no means deranged, is quite painfully true, but your interoperation, perception and analysis of this road of life all goes back to an incredibly negative attitude, forged long ago from a your own insecurity and the wickedness from others. This is called a paradigm. The intrinsic paradigm instilled in you will not be broken unless you encounter a mind altering and life changing paradigmatic shift. This could happen from an event, but usually takes lots of hard work on you by you. Changing your environment can cater to the occurrence of these events. Why not the other side of the world?
Was it the fear of things not working out that kept you from your trip? Were you afraid that she would reject you like the other date? Did the overwhelming anxiety spawn itself from your own self doubt? The only way anything will happen to you in life is by taking a chance, but fear of failure and rejection keep you from risking this. Failure and rejection in the past has pushed you to suicide. What if you had kept the attitude you had when you looked in the mirror before the date? Instead you dove right back into the negative depressed image of yourself and sat in a car drinking bleach and ammonia dreaming of a poetic death. The date gone wrong always stinks, You said you seemed extremely happy before the date, but you let someone else dictate your happiness.
Initially it sounded as though your depression was derived from your physical appearance, but it appears as this thread continues that it is more from your loneliness. You are in kind of at a catch 22. You feel lonely, it makes you depressed, and you blame your ugliness. Then you focus on your physical appearance and the vanity on this world, become depressed, and reckon that this is why you are lonely.
It’s the way you feel about yourself which is putting you in this place. This will become a major problem in any serious relationship. If you rest your happiness conditionally on the way others treat you ……you already know where that gets you. This is true even with lovers and best friends. Someday they may reject you or leave you, then you are only left with yourself. If you don’t like or love yourself then you are left with nothing. It has to start there. You must do the hard work. Fight out of this hole. Climb this mountain. Because once you are up you will continually be thrown off the horse.
You have been thrown off time and time again and wonder why get on again, why not stay down, or just give up altogether. It would be much easier to do. I believe you never had a good saddle in the first place. A lot of this is not your fault Rod, but it is not about blame, it is about forgiveness, and then doing the work to build yourself a good saddle. With this good saddle then, then next time you may not be thrown off, you may just lose stride, or you may not hit the ground so hard, and when you go to get back on it will be easier. This is the only way your dreams can come true. Then whether or not you meet the girl you believe you are in love with and things go the way you hope things will be fine.
You have been to the lows of the low and felt the world of pain sitting above you on your chest. Your head has filled with thoughts churning over and over, making you so sad, angry, uncomfortable, and at times on the brink of ending it all. You don’t want to be there but you continually let yourself go there. You may not let yourself, it is part of this disease, the chemical imbalances in your brain, but you seem to be able to describe this place so well, and let this place become a part of you.
I do not want to play mental chess with you. I want you to play it with yourself! When you make a move, counter it yourself. A stalemate would be progress. Use your mind to fight your mind. If this fails then Use your soul to fight your mind.
Religion can ruin ones concept of what god is. I suggested those books to help you possibly redefine god. This may help you in your climb.
If you wrote a book I would read it. It would be one heck of a page turner, filled with sadness and bad things that have happened to you. What would you entitle it?
I don't know why I wake up sometimes with tears in my eyes. And this great swell of dread. My eyes hurt, my head hurts. I force myself to sleep sometimes just to escape from life. I feel so much pressure in my head. Like I'm deep down into the ocean. Can almost feel my ears popping. I am deep in something. In this. Whatever this is. This dread, this sadness, this depression. My head throbs constantly. Its like something ticking in there. Ready to explode at any minute. I'm always disoriented, disjointed. Its gets kinda bad when you start pouring soda in your cereal. I can't focus. Can't function. Its like Im slowly diminishing. I look in the mirror at my disfigured self, and it just looks like im fading away. Deteriorating. Slow death. Too slow.
Rfus, of course I have a paradigm installed into me. I was reprogrammed like a robot. I remember my psychiastrist told me, "Rod you've been completely and thoroughly brainwashed to the core." I do believe that to a extent. It took many years of mind altering and truama to put me in this state. And it will take a mind altering, life changing experience to bring me out of it somehow.
Your can't run from fear. It follows you like your shadow. But I will give very deep thought about the enviroment change. It would seem a bit too overwhelming of a jump to make. I'm way too accustomed to this way of life. I'm intrenched in it. It would be extremely difficult moving from here to a 3rd world country. It would be like moving from Alaska to Mexico. But my mind altering experience is there. My paradigmatic shift would begin. She could without doubt change almost everything.
My fear and anxiety never really sat down with me and explained to me what happened that day and why. I told this story before, I was completely oblivious that I would have a panic attack. I was about as happy as a prisoner, escaping prison, running in a open field feeling the sun on your face, and breathing the fresh air and freedom. Alot of panic attacks are spontaneous, but that one, no. It was premeditated, predestined, thoroughly planned just for me like a showdown at noon. I dug into my head vigorously because I wanted answers and I wanted them now. I would sit in front of my bedroom mirror and just stare at myself and just keep asking myself the same questions. What happened? Do you love her? What are you afraid of? Answer me, tell me something. Lets work it out, get past it, and get on that darn plane. Finally I felt something tugging on my fishing rod. I reeled it in, looked at it, I couldn't make it out at first. It looked like, change.
Change is what I want more than anything. And change is one of the things I fear. But theres alot more than that. Self doubt, low self esteem, low self image. I never been on a plane before. Ive never been anywhere as far as 400 miles from this city. Im a mentally ill hermit and I was about to fly 30 hours through 4 cities, alone to a country on the other side of the world for a week. Once I kinda sat back and thought about all that I kinda, said, ok maybe I got a little ahead of myself. So I stop beating myself up and regreting it but I hurt her so the guilt will always remain, I still love her so the suffering is still inside me and I failed her like Ive failed so many times in like so that day still haunts me. I was 6 hours away. 9:30am, would have been my finest hour.
Of course if I go across the world and she rejects me, I wont be getting on a plane back home. She would may as well kill me where I stand. It took me 6 months just to buy a webcam for her to see me. But I do believe she really is different. Theres a list of reasons. Shes proven it to me more than I could ask for. More than maybe I should have asked for.
I never tried to commit suicide because I was rejected. It was because I was being told the truth with each one. Your nice, your sweet, but your ugly. So basically I felt handicap and realize the lonliness and envy would eventually kill me. Thats the main reason I dropped out of college. I just couldn't be around it. It was like waiving a steak at a dog about to starve to death and watching the others vainly eat in front of me. Just throw me a bone. I cant even get that. You know what happens when you envy something. You obsess over it. I remember in school or just whenever i go out to a moive or resturant, everything is just amplified as if I developed these super senses. I see a couple with their arms around each other, or a guy carrying his girlfriends books, or someone on the cell phone with their friends asking what times the party tonight, or a couple walking to the car together, kissing, hugging, handsome, beautiful, social, everything im not, every little thing. The envy was carving me up. I couldn't concentrate on the chalk board cos I was too distracted from being giggled at, or watching the pretty girl and the handsome guy texting each other on their cell phones. So oneday I just got up, got my books, went home, cried and never even considered going back to school again. Its a crappy excuse for quitting school, but lets not forget, im mentally ill. Life isnt all about getting degrees and making money, and obtaining material things. No, thats all the secondary stuff. The stuff that drives you, that drives ANYONE, is love, having a family, having friends, doing things you enjoy, sharing your life with someone. A masters degree in anything is useless until you master accepting who you are, being accepted, and feeling like you belong on God's green earth. I have nothing.... NOTHING..... NOTHING...... NOTHING!
The source of my depression, its both physical image and lonliness, later came the envy. The source of my anxiety and fear. Geez, I could go back to birth on that one. I always had fear. Always. I probably had panic attacks when I was 6. Yeah that was me, crying in the back of the class. Yeah that was me running out of the school building. Hiding under cars, hiding in the woods, hiding in the bathroom. I can still remember the little stuff rabbit I took to school in kidergarten. I squeezed him so tight. Im promised him I wouldnt cry today................................... ................
Man, Im a mess. I better stop digging back into my childhood. Tears starting.
Why was I so different though. I cant blame those abuse. I put a bullseye on myself just by crying, and being so afraid. Id laugh at me too. It wasnt until about midway inot the 2nd grade when finally, I stopped running, I stopped crying, I sat with the group, and I sat still. And I wasnt afraid. But the tragedy is I dont remember what made me sit still. What made me finally not be afraid. If only I could remember it like I remember everything else. So I can stop running now, and stop crying now, and stop sitting by myself in this room, and stop being afraid. Fear is a perfect full circle. I can't help but to be in awe of its design.
I sound pathetic right now. I know many of you would agree. Im in a very depressed state right now. Im in sinking mode. I cant make out whats real or not. I just feel like a zombie going through the motions.
I've been up all night working on this machine and stopped in.
It must be tough Rod. I had a tough day and night with my foot, but wanted you to know I am thinking about you. I hope I don't bring you down at all. Stay afloat man.
My my my, I just read what you wrote and it seem that you just took a page of pages of my life. I have 2 beautiful children smart as a whip. In another life i was the same way. But things that happen to me began to resurface and it hurts like crazy. I know that we are to stuck it up and keep going. But I am relatively young too. I cant see myelf going thru for another 40 yrs. Depression is a serious condition, but i feel that it is taking so lighlty. I cant leave my house prisoner of my mind, But people look at me and think that I am ok. I am a walking time bomb waiting to explode. Been giving out signal for people to help me but not one of them are the wiser. But some how each day i manage to make it to the end of the day looking at all my failure. Lost dreams and goal, failed marriage i cant understand why bad thing happen to good people . I have the bigest heart for people but no one gives a flip out me. So a man apart you are not alone .
If I wrote a book, it wouldnt be about my pathetic life. Maybe a childrens book or a comic book, or something pleasant or thought provoking. But if I did write about about my life I have no idea what to entitle it. I may have to steal some of young Keats's thunder and maybe entitle it "Ugly is Truth, Truth Ugly."
You have 2 beautiful children. Congradualtions. Sometimes I feel like walking door to door to all my beautiful normal neighbors and saying, congradulations. I torture myself sometimes and skim through blogs and online diaries of celebrities. Goodness. The perks of beauty. Its like winning the lottery a birth. I guess I didn't have God's correct numbers.
Suck it up, keep going. Keep dragging those boulders up the jagged mountain. Everyday is the same. Everyday is Groundhogs day. And I always see my shadows.
I have too much on my mind, I feel like stuff is spilling out of my ears. I have my family on my mind. I have her on my mind. I have death on my mind. I have afterlife on my mind. I think about all my failed attempts. I think about a quicker, easier, peaceful, painless way out. I think about going the hospital. Been there, done that. I feel it again. Like the old days. The bad days. The nothing days. I'm morbid again. And being heavily seduced.
I just want it to end. I want out. Game over. I wish I could speak to my heart. I wish it could listen. It has no reason to throb i my chest. It beats for noone. I have noone. I have nothing. Just stop. Don't beat. Don't beat for me. Your all I ever had. All Ive ever felt inside. But the only thing your pumping through my body is fear and lonliness. Don't make me stop you. I dont want to hurt you. My aching heart.
Theres this calm fury. Like water boiling on a low fire. Tears feel like flames.
Yes, I am alone. I walk alone. I sleep alone. I eat alone. I'm dying alone. Just me and the shadows.
If I wrote a book, it wouldnt be about my pathetic life. Maybe a childrens book or a comic book, or something pleasant or thought provoking. But if I did write about about my life I have no idea what to entitle it. I may have to steal some of young Keats's thunder and maybe entitle it "Ugly is Truth, Truth Ugly."
You have 2 beautiful children. Congradualtions. Sometimes I feel like walking door to door to all my beautiful normal neighbors and saying, congradulations. I torture myself sometimes and skim through blogs and online diaries of celebrities. Goodness. The perks of beauty. Its like winning the lottery a birth. I guess I didn't have God's correct numbers.
Suck it up, keep going. Keep dragging those boulders up the jagged mountain. Everyday is the same. Everyday is Groundhogs day. And I always see my shadows.
I have too much on my mind, I feel like stuff is spilling out of my ears. I have my family on my mind. I have her on my mind. I have death on my mind. I have afterlife on my mind. I think about all my failed attempts. I think about a quicker, easier, peaceful, painless way out. I think about going the hospital. Been there, done that. I feel it again. Like the old days. The bad days. The nothing days. I'm morbid again. And being heavily seduced.
I just want it to end. I want out. Game over. I wish I could speak to my heart. I wish it could listen. It has no reason to throb i my chest. It beats for noone. I have noone. I have nothing. Just stop. Don't beat. Don't beat for me. Your all I ever had. All Ive ever felt inside. But the only thing your pumping through my body is fear and lonliness. Don't make me stop you. I dont want to hurt you. My aching heart.
Theres this calm fury. Like water boiling on a low fire. Tears feel like flames.
Yes, I am alone. I walk alone. I sleep alone. I eat alone. I'm dying alone. Just me and the shadows.
I just want to scour Memphis until I find you and give you a great big hug! Rod, what can we do for you? I want to know if there is something I can say, something I can do... something I can give you of myself that will take some of the hurt away. I know I can't change your perception of yourself. I wish I could. I wish I could somehow make you understand that if you're being rejected by society, on whatever basis, that it's not your problem--it's theirs.
I'm the one that said I was told I look like Alicia Silverstone. You're so popular here, you may not recall. Lol. Well, that was then. Now, I'm about 50 pounds overweight, I don't have acne, but I have my share of pimples. Because I lost my retainer when I was young, my teeth have gone silly crooked again. Today, I look like... I can't compare myself to a celebrity, becuase they wouldn't dream of casting someone with my looks. But, you know what, screw them! I can't believe at 26, I still get looked up an down by people. I thought that was something teenagers did to eachother. But, no. Girls in their tight little skirts with their hair all primped, and their prissy hip-swaying walks--they see me in my sweats, hair a mess, red face, yelling at unruly kids, and they look me up and down like I have no right to be walking on the same ground as they do. I get it all the time. Yet, I'm not the one that has a problem. I'm not the one that needs to go around and judge other people by what they wear, or how much they weigh, or if they're attractive enough to meet my approval. That goes for you, too, Rod. You are not a black and overweight man. You are Rod! You are somebody with incredible compassion and kindness for others. You are somebody with passion. You are somebody that turns his pain into something beautiful. And you cannot allow these superficial we-care-about-looks people try to strip you of that. They are the people who are ugly. They are the people who look good until they speak, and then their true colors shine. They are people who place themselves on imaginary pedestals and look down their noses at anyone beneath them. And, Rod, are those the kind of people you want to attract, anyway? There are people who will look past your looks (lots of them--I bet ANYONE in this thread would) and be your friend or girlfriend, and those are the people that you can build relationships with. We're not so scarce as you might think.
As far as your college experience and trying to fake it... People can see past that, I'm afraid, and bullies, especially, look for people with low esteem to prey on. I know, becuase I've been bullied all my life. It's like they can sense it and they'll isolate you as the one to target. Long ago, when I worked at a McDonalds, there was this girl Lalani who tormented me mercilessly. From day one, she called me names, gave me looks, spread rumors--and this is when I was considered "cute." In fact, I was picked on way more when I was "cute," rather than today, as I am. Anyway, at this McDonald's also worked my friend, who was quite obese, sometimes greasy, stained crooked teeth--she was a person most would likely call unattractive. Not only did Lalani leave her alone, but she went out of her way to befriend her. The moral being, I don't think it's looks so much that people reject, as it is low self esteem. I wish you could've seen me at 14 and could've seen how many people bullied me. You would understand that beauty is nothing without esteem, and "ugly" (quoted because I don't feel that way about you in the least) can be something anyone is attracted to, so long as the esteem is there.
I know it's useless to relate this if I can't give you a sense of esteem, but I think, for me, rather than feeling better about myself, I decided to stop caring about what others thought. I've taken the attitude of, "Look, I know who I am, and I know I'm a good person, and if you want to turn me away based on what you see, I don't need you, anyway." I think my boyfriend has taught me a lot. He's somebody with an obvious flaw, and yet we are approched by people all the time. I honestly think this is because he walks with his head high, smiles, has a very laid back demeanor. And those that do give him dirty looks, he shoots them a look back--and I think they respect that in a way, as they will always lower their eyes and walk look away.
What is beauty? It is so crazily deceptive. Kris had a friend named Dani. She was fairytale pretty. She was also smart, artistic, and amazingly talented. She had a boyfriend that was handsome and madly intellegent. They were the perfect couple. I never met her, but when Kris would describe her to me, I couldn't help but feel a sense of envy. What I wouldn't give to be her. One day, Kris got a call from a mutual friend of his and Dani's. As I watched him on the phone, his face went white. Dani had shot herself. After her suicide, we learned her "perfect" boyfriend had been beating her. We learned that she'd been hiding that she had drug and alcohol problems and that she was a type I diabetic. Yet, all the outside world saw was beautiful girl and handsome guy strolling hand in hand. They were people you'd look at and sigh. Where is she now? There was also a cute girl in highschool I knew that ended her life by jumping out of a window. In fact, she's buried in the same graveyard as my mother, and I visit her sometimes. Being beautiful doesn't guarantee love, respect, friendship, or happiness--nor does it always make those things easier to come by, as you seem to believe. If it did, when I was younger, I would've had those things. (Not to say I was beautiful, but I guess cute would suffice.)
Please don't hurt yourself. I hope you'll feel compelled to come here and write rather than cause yourself harm. You are so loved here. Look at your thread! Look at everyone aching to see you feel better. Look at the people you've inspired, that are asking *you* for help. Look at how many times the same people have come back to you again and again, to help you through your pain. You can't give up on us. We need you. We want for you. We care about you.
If there's anything more I can do for you, please let me know. I want to help.
Hugs,
EoR
__________________
~Even an Eeyore needs a hug.~ (Hug Me Eeyore)
Last edited by EoR; 04-28-2005 at 06:26 PM.
Reason: typos
You are not alone Rod, maybe physically, but mentally I am thousands of miles away and am sitting here worried about you. I think you really need to find someone to talk to in person. There are people in your area that can help you. You may have tried it, but try someone else. They may help you let go of these thoughts.
I am not telling you anything you don't know but everything is sounding so self defeating. Society is not the one rejecting you. Your are rejecting yourself. Over and over and over..... It is so hard to let go of these thoughts, but it is possible.
After my brother passed away I would lie in bed, way down in the ocean like you said. I could have stayed there forever. I let thoughts you are having take me over. ruin me. It was a wicked climb. You have support. I am rooting for you. Find someone in your area who will root for you. YOU CAN DO IT!
EoR, You don't want to scour Memphis. Trust me. lol. I drive past Graceland once a week on the way to my weekend job. A beautiful place. A true landmark. But you turn the corner and it looks like the city has been war torn.
I'm sorry if I spew too much negativity. Sometimes I just have to type what I feel. I never think about what I write, I type with my emotions. The hurt, the pain. Maybe I deserve it. Maybe its just meant to be this way, or else it wouldn't be such a daunting task just to find peace and content. To find myself again. To make something meaningful out of the life I have. Theres just no meaning. I'm just passing time til I die.
Envy is a deadly sin. Im not surprised Im suffering relentlessly from it. But its so hard not to when you have nothing. Nothing to live for. Nothing going on for yourself. Living with a disease. Have basically no family or friends. Noone special. I have no strengths, nothing but weaknesses. Across the board. I'm very insignificant. Thats why I dont desire to be here. Theres nothing here for me. Ive searched. Ive searched in every shadow. I have no pleasure to be alive. Its just...... I don't know anything. I don't feel anything. I don't know if theres a God or not. I don't know what I am. Why I exist. I just know that, I don't wish to be apart of this. Yeah Im ugly. But theres alot of ugly people with alot of strength and intelligence that can suffice for their lack of physical appeal. I don't have strength. I dont have intelligence. I'm weaker than water. I can't help feeling like I'm the exact opposite of perfection. I am the owner of every single flaw genetically, mentally, spiritually, and physically. I see too much. Too much stuff I compute in my head. And it all just mixes in one big grey cloud. Theres no right or wrong, rhyme or reason. I read too much truth. I see too much. I'm aware of the things your not suppose to bring up. Its not taboo to talk about. Noone cares. And noone can do anything about it. Your born in a viscious jungle. Gotta find your own way. Everyone for themselves. I live in a world where 3/4 of the people suffer in poverty. In a world where kids die so young. Religion fuels our wars and our hate. Sex is everywhere. 40 years ago I wouldn't have been about to use the same bathroom as someone a different color than me. This country has such a dark history. I'm walking across so much dry blood. Its frightening to think you had people back then preaching and waiving their bibles around all while going home and whipping their slaves.
Beauty is truth, truth beauty. Of course I envy beauty. Most people would rather be called beautiful than genius. Same rules don't apply to them. It is without doubt the biggest source of self esteem and confidence you can have when you become automatically accepted in society and you realize you dont have to face the burdens of lonliness and not having attention. Not being loved by someone, even if its the wrong person. The more indemand you are the more options you have. The more essential qualities of being human you have, the more likely your promised a fairly decent life. Some people make a living just by having their pictures taken. Ive had many panick attacks going on some website reading about how some celebrity or some model was discovered. Like they were a lost treasure, just found. Beauty is a treasure. Its the ultimate magnet. And a deadly obsession. Live in the most beautiful house. Date the most beautiful people. Have the most beautiful pet. Surround by the most beautiful friends. Go to the most beautiful island. Wear the most beautiful clothes. Live the most beautiful life. It goes a long way.
I live in a world that hates and fears me and im wondering why Im still here. People make the world go round. I can't beat em. I cant join em. This is mans world, mans free will. God has no influence here.
Yes I recall the Alicia Silverstone comparison. I look like um, hmmm, well not human really. I'm a cross between King Kong and a black bulldog. If I climbed the Memphis Bridge they shoot misslies at me. I know the superficial people who make all the decision wouldnt dream of casting anyone who doesnt look like Helen of Troy, but its hard to say screw them, because all you dream about is being apart of the cast.
Your absolutely right. Im not the problem. I cant help the way I was made and born. The things I suffered through, the disease I have. But it doesnt matter. Right or wrong, the only person that gets hurt is you. I hate to disagree with you but unfortunately I am black/african american. lol. And Im very obese. Im a paradox when it comes to my compassion and kindness. I couldn't help but to shed tears and feel such deep sorrow for those in the tsunami disaster. Seeing that breaks my heart. Those people suffer enough from poverty. But then I read about some rich supermodel who survived clinging off a tree, and I really couldn't care less. Theres no possible way you can turn pain into beauty. Im just good at expressing it because its all I know. People who are beautiful but ugly inside can at least fake nice when its convenient to them. I cant fake beauty. of course those arent the type of people i want to attract, but their influence in society is dominant and irreversable. Money makes good mens hearts turn black. Sex makes preists into phedophiles. People dont know the meaning of morals. People will spend thousands to carve themselves up into societies standards. And why? Because its easier to find confidence and acceptance in a pair of breasts implants or a muscular body than it is from anything spiritually, emotionally or from within.
You are scarce. People like you EoR are the REAL undiscovered treasures. Sometimes I just feel like Im searching for the lost city of Atlantis. The biggest crime in the world is being beautiful and not realizing it. Or where you just modest and humble? I agree Im not ugly. I just have ugly skin, face and body. Someone told me once, and these words will forever haunt me. "The more you isolate, the worse it will get." When you stop caring what others think of you you isolate yourself. The most important thing in the world is being accepted. Finding a place somewhere. Like i said, some people who aren't attractive find other means of acceptance. By being mean or tough and demanding respect and being feared, having a certain amount of power or intelligence, quick-wit or a defense mechanism. I never had any of that growing up. The teenagers could smell the fear that excreted from my pores.
The only girl that ever fell in love with me lives in a 3rd world country. Cos there even the beautiful are poor. Of course if she was here, my life would have meaning, my life would have beauty, would have love. But you always want what you cant get. I wish wasnt so sensitive. Its the worst combination to have. Being ugly and sensitive. I wish all the giggling and pointing and laughing and comments could just bounce off me. But it just who I am I cant do anything to change that. Part of it is worsten by my disease and part of it is just my nature.
Im sorry to hear about your friend Dani. Vanity is a deadly sin also. I was in a mental health group class at a hospital here. There was this really attractive girl in there. Of course she was the most vocal and most popular. Everyone asking her if she would become a model someday. Imagine me sitting there like a volcano about to explode. I came her to get help, not to have envy sitting next to me. She was a heavy drug user. And her anxiety disorder was very similar to mine. She couldnt go to college. She had what I call, the fear disease. She was about as bipolar as I ever seen someone. One day she was uppity and happy and dancing and singing and drawing pretty pictures and hugging everyone. And next day you would have thought she was Lydia Deats from the Bettlejuice movie. She would draw satanic stuff on her hands and cry and shake and look dreaded. I tried so hard to feel sorry for her but I couldnt. On her last day i saw her in group she was a mess. I mean she was turning into the girl from the Exorcist. She became uncontrollable and was seriously depressed and suicidal. Crying for help, literally. She got so much attention and symphathy. Everyone loved her. Me and another guy carried her out into the waiting room where she could lay on the couch and wait. They were going to send her to the dreaded 14th floor. You know, every hospital has that floor you dont want to go on. I didnt go to lunch break, I just sat on the couch next to her. I could relate to everything she was going through, especially the squirming around in constant agony like someone was twisting a knife in her back. I asked her if she needed anything. I got up bought her a pepsi out of the drink machine. She was became calm. She told me I write beautifully when I read our daily diary sheets to the counsellors. I said to her I wish I could be you, for one day, just to know what it feels like to be beautiful. She asked me why I said that. I told her, she'll find out one day. Beauty doesn't guarantee anything in life. But without doubt it is better to be it.
I'm always compelled to write. Thats what I do to cope. Im always compelled to hurt myself. Thats what I do to cope. I'm not sure I'm really loved here. People love the way I put misery into words. It strikes a familiar nerve. You ask if theres anything you can do for me? Sure. Several things....
Always be you. Never scour Memphis at night. Know that your beautiful and Alicia Silverstone can't touch your good looks, and don't be a stranger. This is the only social life I have, the healthboards. Its the only place people ever call me, beautiful.
Okay, Rod--I promise, no scouring of Memphis. I'm scared of the dark and of big cities.Maybe you could meet me half way. I still want to give you that hug.
I know you're black and overweight. I'm not saying you've lied about that. I was only wanting to convey that your body and skin color don't define who you are. As I type this post, I don't think, "I'm typing to a black and overweight man." I think, "Wow, I'm lucky to be aquainted with somebody deep, inisghtful, and so very inspiring. I'm glad he's letting me be a part of this, rather than turning me away. I hope I can help." And if I could see you, I'd feel the same. I can't imagine anyone who really was able to know you would feel differently.
A cross between King Kong and a black bulldog? I think bulldogs are cute and I like hairy men. I'd probably find you attractive. Thank you for the description. In my current state... Hmmm. I look like a cross between Robin Williams and Bette Midler, but with more weight and shorter. Well, my nose might not really be that big... and I'm not quite as fuzzy at Robin, but trust me, Alicia Silverstone would definitely be lookin' me up and down.
There are so many points to hit on, that I'm totally overwhelmed and don't know where to start. First thing I'd like to dispute, though, is your perception of not being intellegent. I think you're wrong about that. I believe you to be very intellegent. I have seen the way you've made people swoon the magic of your words. That takes smarts and talent, me dear, and you've been blessed with both.
I used to envy beauty, once, until I realized how many empty lives existed behind the facades. There are many beautiful people that long for the same things you do, except beauty. Some of the lonliest people I know are the most physically attractive. And... shoot, I've got to run as somebody seems to have mucked up the toilet with T.P. A fun plumbing experience... I'll be back, though! Sorry...
Hugs,
EoR
__________________
~Even an Eeyore needs a hug.~ (Hug Me Eeyore)
Hi Everyone!
So Rod, this is your thread... let us know what is going on in your life.
Did you get your weekend job recently, or have you had two jobs for a long time? I hope you have at least a day off each week to rest and enjoy...
I'm also wondering, do you have any pets? A kitty or a dog will always be your friend, if you love and care for them (which I know you would!)
Would you be happier if you did move into your own place? You said you don't want to leave your mother behind (or at least, she doesn't want you to leave); perhaps you could be roommates with just her?
Just some thoughts I'm having. I know we don't really know your circumstances. I hope you're well this weekend!
it's a pure fluke that i know what you look like, and i'm not even sure if i remember anymore, but honestly, since we're online everyone looks like a computer screen to me. that's the wonderful thing about anonymity. speaking of not knowing what people look like, though, i went on a blind date this weekend. my friend sarah, who goes to penn, set me up with this boy noah who is in the same fraternity (dtd) as her boyfriend. since i was home for the weekend and i live about 20 minutes outside the city, i took a train in and met up with him. we went to dinner at a nice restaurant called pod, and then we went to his fraternity's party. since it's the end of the year, this was like a big bash with lots of people there. i knew no one, so i just kept drinking to feel more comfortable, and i ended up drinking noah under the table. unfortunately, i think i had too much to drink and i kissed him (nothing more than kissing happened) but now he's been calling me and iming me incessantly. don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy, very sweet and all, but i just don't think i'm ready to get into a relationship or anything right now. he just doesn't seem my type and i don't know how to let him down lightly. we didn't have much to talk about at dinner, and then at the party there were so many people and it was so loud with the music and everything, that it was hard to get to know him. i'm a horrible person, i know, please don't yell at me, but i'm so overwhlemed with everything else in my life (graduation, job search, etc) that i can't be bothered with a love life. i think i'm destined never to love again, even when i have guys practically throwing themselves at me. but like i feel i am entitled enough to not settle for anything less than butterflies. this guy doesn't give me butterflies, and i want butterflies!
But, you know what, screw them! I can't believe at 26, I still get looked up an down by people. I thought that was something teenagers did to eachother. But, no. Girls in their tight little skirts with their hair all primped, and their prissy hip-swaying walks--they see me in my sweats, hair a mess, red face, yelling at unruly kids, and they look me up and down like I have no right to be walking on the same ground as they do. I get it all the time. Yet, I'm not the one that has a problem. I'm not the one that needs to go around and judge other people by what they wear, or how much they weigh, or if they're attractive enough to meet my approval. That goes for you, too, Rod. You are not a black and overweight man. You are Rod! You are somebody with incredible compassion and kindness for others. You are somebody with passion. You are somebody that turns his pain into something beautiful. And you cannot allow these superficial we-care-about-looks people try to strip you of that. They are the people who are ugly. They are the people who look good until they speak, and then their true colors shine. They are people who place themselves on imaginary pedestals and look down their noses at anyone beneath them. And, Rod, are those the kind of people you want to attract, anyway? There are people who will look past your looks (lots of them--I bet ANYONE in this thread would) and be your friend or girlfriend, and those are the people that you can build relationships with. We're not so scarce as you might think. 
