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Old 04-30-2005, 06:55 AM   #61
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Hi Rod- strange to think here I am in another country not knowing you and yet still think of you every day...God bless the internet. I still think in my possibly naive way that someone is waiting for you- and you won't have to travel round the world to be with her. Before I met my husband I'd have gone out with anyone kind enough to be seen with me, regardless of looks and that's the truth. We could have been two freaks together- at least there would have been two of us. Like you, I used to dream of doing just that. I dreamt once I was walking down the road hand in hand with someone feeling as light as air..I'd never done that in real life and it felt like if I could just do that I'd be the happiest person alive. I have really bad social skills as I'd never talk to people, I felt sorry for anyone who had to stand and look at me, I wouldn't want to. I still have real problems talking to others. I don't know if they can see in me what I see in myself. I feel as if it's screamingly obvious that I'm not "normal" even though I have a job, husband and two children. It's only a matter of time before I'm found out. Anyhow, those men I'd have been happy to date only wanted pretty girls anyhow. But my husband was different, like you are. I really hope you find what you're looking for in life Rod.

 
Old 05-01-2005, 05:53 PM   #62
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

rfus, no need to worry about me. Im just a username. People come and go like flies. If I died today Id be forgotten tomorrow. I been thinking about that book title. What about "Chronicles of an invisible man"

I talk to people here. Its free. I couldn't begin to total the amount of money Ive spent on psychiastrists, and medication, and group sessions, and treatment, and mental health services, herbal supplements, vitamins, foods, tapes, programs, books, specialists, pastorial counselling, and even went to a hypnotist. Theres only 3 things thats ever kept me afloat. One was group counselling. Misery loves company. Second is this messageboard. The only place I can really place my emotions, my outlet so to speak. And the third is complex to explain. Lets just say, theres always a girl.

Am I really being self defeating or realizing Im fighting a losing battle. I reject myself because society rejects me. I hate myself cos im not up to standards. Im not absolute to humanities design. But I know what you mean. Yeah, I did it. I, did it. I let it get in. I let it all get in. I swear, I can't control anything inside my skull. I can't control my thoughts, I can't control my emotions. My mom asked me to smile for her this morning, my mind went blank. I know Im the puppet, but where is the puppeteer. Maybe its the fear. Maybe anxiety. Maybe the depression. Maybe all of the above. I can't make decisions in my life until I check with the puppet master first. Can't go to school. Can't work in public. Everytime I leave my house it seems lke im racing against time. Gotta be quick. Or here it comes. The panic. I feel like a fish out of water any time I step outside this door. I can't look at movies anymore. Gotta big 40 inch Apex tv in my room and I have it on the AV blue screen all day for when I want to play video games. Looking at romance movies to me is the equivalent of a squeamish person looking at a horror movie marathon. Just so hard to watch. The handsome groom. The beautiful bride. I remember my half brother asked me to come to his wedding. I couldn't stand the sight of his wife. She was nice, sweet, very intelligent and mature. But she's beautiful. Before they got married my handsome half brother used to comes in my room to play video games with me, he never forgets to mention by detail his love story and all the hotties and honey's he hooks up with before her, even his sex life partially and how fine his fiance looks in a bikini. I felt like Cain looking over at Abel. I just wanna wrap my controller cord around his neck and yell at him, do you always have to brag that God gave you more than me! Forgive me if the Cain and Abel analogy offended you. I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your brother and know where it took you. I just felt I had to share that part about me and mine. Since I didnt go to his wedding, we dont talk much. I didn't kill him. But I killed whatever closeness we had. I hope your foot gets better. Take it easy for me.

The wicked climb..... The very wicked climb. Sometimes I crawl up the mountain and then I just stop and sit, already tired. Looking at the blisters on my hand. Ive been on this trail before. Whats gonna change now? I get so close and then I tumble right back down to the bottom. I found someone. Someone special. Someone who gave me more strength and more hope than I could ever imagine when I was in the deepest part of the forrest. Imagine how powerful the words and spirit of a poor farm girl on the other side of the world can do for you. For 7 months she kicked my depression in the buttocks. She told me she didnt care if I dont accept myself, because "I accept you." Her smile kept me going. Her hope fed me strength. Forgive me. Falling inlove with each other, was a honest mistake.

EoR. You have helped. I don't think you want to see me though. Mermaid saw a picture of me once, she forgot what I looked like. I wasnt very easy on the eyes. I guess you got caught up in a little household emergency there. I hope to hear from ya soon. Take care.

Sonvaz. There were two episodes of the Oprah Winfrey show I just happen to catch. Believe me honestly I do not watch the show reguarly. Last I checked Im still a man. Um, the first one was disturbing. This beautiful woman got into a car accident and her entire body was burned from head to toe. She looked like a supermodel and now her body was burned and she was lucky to be alive. She forgave the drunk driver that hit her and consoled the mother of the driver. She talked about how her life changed. And how she was still happy and thankful to be alive. Throughout that show I stared at her and they did a close up of her and she smiled and I just said to myself, she's still so beautiful. What kind of strength did God give you to sit infront of a national audience and be so happy and upbeat and forgiving. I turned off the tv almost feeling guilty and ashamed of myself. Asking myself, doesnt she get lonely, isnt she affected by the stares, the looks, the comments. I wish I could talk to her.

I think a few days later I saw another episode with Brad Pitt on. All of the women in the audience just so taken by his presence. Oprah asked him something about how he deals with being such a sex object and being this object of beauty and fame. He said something that really affected me. He said his mother told him that people are going to respond to you differently as if you have this great power, so you must be responsible and always stay grounded. Because with every great gift God gives you comes a great responsibilty. You would have thought his mom was talking to Superman at age 21. But she was right. Life for him and people like him can't be any more effortless.

People always ask me about having plastic surgery. I tell them the same thing. A.) Im not that shallow. If this is the best God could do for me then thats fine. Im only as good as my creator so Im sure he doesnt expect much out of me with what little he gave me. But he may have to explain that all men created equal thing to me again. Plus, It wouldnt be for myself because I really dont care how I look, its everyone else who hates how I look, so why should I carve myself up and change because of them. And B.) Simply because I shouldnt have to. And I dont have the money or means to even consider it.

How is my faith condition with God? I don't know, he never answers me.

Unicorn I got a 2nd job last year because I dedicated my life to saving up for this trip across the world to see someone who I fell in love with and was saving for a house here for U.S. and to petition her to come here. Some days Id run through 7 or 8 car details a day, tired, worn out, but happy on my knees scrubbing rims til 4 am in the morning. Got my check and threw all of it in the bank for that ticket. We were going to get married and live happily ever after. But, well we know how the story goes. Dreams never form into something real.

Im moving out soon. Just in the middle of making a huge decision beforehand. I think the straw that broke my back was when I picked up the phone about 3 weeks ago and heard a conversation between my father and my sister. My dad called the house and me and my sister picked up at the same time. I sat and listened quietly. My dad was saying "Oh your so beautiful to me you know that, I just called to tell you I love you and my my my your so good to me you know that. I can still feel myself tingling baby." My sister replied, "Oh your trying to give me goodebumps or something huh. And she just commence to alot of giggling and little flirty noises. It was the most painful thing I ever had to listen to in my life. I guess they found a place to continue their sexcapades after I cuaght them. I grew up and was raised by these people and I listen to this and thinking to myself, who are they? I cried. I was just thinking, what, my mom isnt beautiful anymore? You dont love her anymore. You cant kiss her goodnight or call her at work and tell her you love her. What did she get to old for you dad? You stand and preach in church every week. I wish I could take the biggest bible i could find and beat you over the head with it. You fake, lying, sick piece of crap... Why do I still love you dad. :'(

Yeah I gotta get out, away, Im deeply sorry for my mother, I want to tell her and take her with me, shes really the only person I trust, and maybe I will but if I do tell her again itll be after I move. But she'll just fall for that same religious mumbo jumbo they fed her last time and, I just, I dunno. I cant..... I dunno. Im mentally ill, I dont know how to deal with this stuff. I got too many issues in my life. Its hard for me to discuss this.

Ter3sa, you have a husband, 2 children, a job, a life. Dont worry, your secret is safe with me.

Next time I post I really need to go into detail about something really drastic and important. Im at a crossroads right now and I need to make a quick decision on my feet. I dont have much time and I just want the opinions of people who share the common struggle as I do to help me with this decision. Cos i just figured, I cant possibly make my own anymore.

Last edited by Man Apart; 05-01-2005 at 06:46 PM.

 
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Old 05-01-2005, 10:02 PM   #63
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Hi, Rod. Contrare my dear friend, I would love to know what you look like. I would love to sit across from you at a nice dinner or at a picnic and tell you that you look absolutely wonderful.

In response to the other post, I can't say all I want to because I'm dead tired and I have to put groceries away, but I wanted to bring up a couple of things:

Im sorry to hear about your friend Dani. Vanity is a deadly sin also.

I hope you don't think Dani was vain. She wasn't my friend, I didn't even know her. But from what Kris tells me, she wasn't vain at all. She was lonely. She was sad. She was afraid. She was ill. And she was beautiful. Point being, that beauty did not bring her happiness, joy, or love (she had a boyfriend that beat her, rather than love her.) Her beauty was merely a shell, and inside her shell was air, space, emptiness--a void. The ultimate point being that beauty is deceptive.

"Sometimes I just feel like Im searching for the lost city of Atlantis. The biggest crime in the world is being beautiful and not realizing it. Or where you just modest and humble?"

Lol. I'm not being modest. I don't think I'm ugly--because I believe people who aren't ugly in their hearts are even capable of physical unattractiveness, but I certainly wouldn't call myself attractive--not by societal standards, anyway. My boyfriend thinks I'm pretty. I guess tha'ts what matters.

"I agree Im not ugly. I just have ugly skin, face and body. Someone told me once, and these words will forever haunt me. "The more you isolate, the worse it will get." When you stop caring what others think of you you isolate yourself. The most important thing in the world is being accepted. Finding a place somewhere. Like i said, some people who aren't attractive find other means of acceptance. By being mean or tough and demanding respect and being feared, having a certain amount of power or intelligence, quick-wit or a defense mechanism. I never had any of that growing up."

You're right, you're not ugly. Not a bit. I don't think when you stop caring what others think, that you become isolated. You simply make the choice to disregard those who treat you unkindly, and realize that you hold yourself to higher standards than those who need to walk around and judge. Of course, I only advocate this attitude towards strangers. I understand the desire to be appreciated by those we care about. In that case, we can only hope that they care enough, too, to reciprocate in kind. I once believed being accepted was the most important thing in the world, too. Lol... sigh... that earned me a group of "friends" that I had little in common with, didn't much like, and felt obligated to hang out with all the time. I hated it. Rather than placing importance on finding people I liked, it was much more important to me to get people to like me. It's almost lonlier than being alone... I don't think you have to be mean or tough to earn respect. I don't think you have to be quick witted or intellegent, either, though I think you are both. I think...you have but only to respect yourself, and others will respect you, too. I respect the heck outta ya.

Of course I envy beauty. Most people would rather be called beautiful than genius. Same rules don't apply to them. It is without doubt the biggest source of self esteem and confidence you can have when you become automatically accepted in society and you realize you dont have to face the burdens of lonliness and not having attention. Not being loved by someone, even if its the wrong person. The more indemand you are the more options you have. The more essential qualities of being human you have, the more likely your promised a fairly decent life.

I understand envying beauty. I cannot say I'm an exception from the "I wish I looked like her," syndrome. I still believe what's perceived as beuaty is a great facade. Despite a twinge of envy here and there, I'm content with being me, and I wish there were some way I could prove to you that you have so much to offer, that you have reason to be content to be you, too. You have a mother that tells you to smile. Your mother loves you and wants to see you happy. You have a beautiful girl that loves you, third world or super power, there's a girl that loves you! Roselyn, isn't it? When I say you have the gift to turn your pain into beauty, it's in the way you weave your words. Do you write poetry? As far as looks and esteem... I've known girls who I considered to be beautiful sincerley believe themselves to be ugly. I've known girls I thought were nothing special think the world of themselves. Often, the "I think the world of myself," girls would be the ones with the muscle bound guy off their arms, and the "I'm ugly," girls would be alone in the library, looking sad and lonely. I think you give beauty too much power. I think you give "ugly" too much credit. I think you're beautiful. I wish you could see what I see. Don't tell me if I saw you that I'd change my mind. I wouldn't.

Always be you. Never scour Memphis at night. Know that your beautiful and Alicia Silverstone can't touch your good looks, and don't be a stranger. This is the only social life I have, the healthboards. Its the only place people ever call me, beautiful.

I can most certainly do those things for you. I hope you can do a few things for me. Never alter the way you look. Keep bringing forth beauty with your writing. Do what makes you happy. Remember you're cared for (yes, you are.) Hug your stuffed animals. Know you're special.

You'll be in my thoughts--and apparently, lots of others' thoughts, too. Other than my family, this is my social life, too. I'll be here for you.

Big hugs and sleep well--
EoR
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Last edited by moderator2; 05-02-2005 at 05:33 AM.

 
Old 05-01-2005, 11:58 PM   #64
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Rod, you are not just a username. You are a person who I ran into in this place. A person who needed to let stuff out but who also just needs a friend. You and I have gone over things that I never go over with my friends. You have exposed your wounded soul to me, and it hurts me to see it. The same way it hurts others when I tell them I lost my twin brother at 20. But it shouldn't hurt them, because it is my pain not for their understanding, but it still does. It still hurts your mother even though she may not understand. Your appearance would not hurt me, but the way you feel about it hurts me as a witness to your testimony. A real person, not a username, worries that a man his age is on the edge.

Everyone says to me, I can't believe how well you are taking this bedridden broken heel thing, the pain, the life changing aspect of this, and the uncertain future. But you see......I was presented with a choice. To let all the negative aspects of this injury dominate me. Lie here in bed and let the thoughts circle. Whine, complain, moan, and throw my arms up in the air and say this is not fair. Had I not seen the bottom of the ocean before, I may have let this anchor sink like it wants to. I walked through the fire before and chose to learn from it. You have done the same and you should as well. This is part of becoming a man. Do your best and f the rest.

How do you get 'the rest' out of your head? How do you squelch the negativity? How do you keep your mind off the unhealthy thoughts? Only you will figure this out for yourself. You can. Cos, in reality, it is all self defeating and it is not reality. There are whole posts here which I am glad you got out, but I hope you go back and read them again. Read them as you were reading this book we have mentioned. Pretend your writings were in the third person and look at how the person writing about the character named Rod continually knocks him down, has nothing good to say. He continues to say the same stuff about you. It is becoming less and less original and is more and more of the same stuff. He hates the world, and hates you. And then read about the others here who see something special in this man named Rod. We exist not just here in this forum. Seek us out.

When you look back on your life today you see a man who didn't exisit, 'invisible'. You have learned so much, been to the lows of the low, and as this invisible man you know has a blank canvas. Get up tomorrow. Start a new book. Paint a new picture. Leave the dark colors out. Don't worry about the past, the future, only the present. Take your mother out to lunch, tell her you love her. Go out into the city and do something for someone else. Then come back to this forum and tell me about all the good things. How your mother smiled when you smiled at her, how a homeless person was truely grateful when you gave him five bucks. This stuff may not make you feel any better about yourself, your appearance, the state of this word, and will not take away your anxiety. But it will change your energy. And over time you will feel your energy change. The same way the girl in the camera changed it.

When Keats was looking at the urn, he was looking at Helen of Troy. Her existence was in his imagination. The society your mind is basing these statements on is in your imagination. Its the tv land, movie land, fake people, vain people, that need not to have any part of your world. The real people are the only ones who matter. The sooner you focus on that and get the ones who do not matter out of your mind, the sooner you can become a part of the real peoples lives.

I had an experience with a real person once. I was driving around the country in a busted out jetta. I had no money and was pretty much broke in this leg of it. I found a dollar and 40 cents in change in my car and went into a taco bell; I was to get a single chalupa and would eat for the first time of the day. I went to the counter and picked up the taco like entity, and gave the cashier the change. I sat down and began to slowly eat the meal. I looked over at an old withered black man cleaning the table as a Taco Bell employee. He had white hair coming from the visor his head, his face was pitted out, and his back looked broken. I thought how his whole life must have been full of oppression. How he must have continually been knocked down by this society, subjected to the injustice in this world, and had not been provided with an education because of the intolerance. His whole life had amounted to being a taco bell employee and he was now reduced to cleaning the salsa of the table from the last customer and sweeping the nachos from the floor. I felt bad for him. I truly did. And as I was there lost in thought something happened I was not prepared for. The old man went into the back and then came out. He had a tray with two tacos and a large drink on it. He walked right over to me and said, Wes cant have you young boys eatin taco bell without a drink. He gave me a wink and said, I threw in a few extra tacos too, but we wont tell anyone. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. At the same time I was sitting there feeling bad for this man, he was doing the same for me. He had seen my change, and my hunger, and had felt bad for me. I realized that I knew nothing about this man, knew nothing about his life, and had so much to learn about my own life. What you perceive is based on the attitude you approach situations with.

My life was good, not perfect, but then it crashed. You know how I beat it Rod. Dead Fish. I spent 6 months shoveling dead fish for bait. 16 hour days with salty uneducated men, working my butt off, and confined to my own mind. For the first 3 months I let the same thoughts I had about this world, about my brothers death, about how I was completely alone, how I would be better off dead, how god and this world had forsaken me, and how I was a worthless drunk who was destined for pity, the pity that all showed me. But then the thoughts began to kill me, and I was forced to do something with them. So I let them go. When they would come I would ignore them. I would try and think of nothing and continue to shovel fish. And you know what I did. I shoveled my way out. I woke up one morning on the floor of the bait shop and knew it was time to move on. I called school that morning and asked them if I could come back, after two years they said yes. I was still alone. The thoughts would come back. It was not easy. But I kept my head down and did my school work. I would not let people in and still got down. I had climbed out of the dead fish and now my education was making steady progress. I set goals for myself. People started to notice this, and you know what. That is the same time they started coming back into my life. I had stepped out of two plus years of darkness.

I can give you my pity Rod, or I can throw you a shovel. You can lie down and take my pity, or you can stand up and pick up the shovel. Its your choice.

Last edited by rfus; 05-02-2005 at 12:05 AM.

 
Old 05-02-2005, 03:03 AM   #65
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

I'll make this short....

EoR, on the record, I do not, I repeat, I do not have any stuff animals anymore. lol. I think your pretty too and to be honest it only takes that one person in your life that can see you for you, love you for you and make everyone else opinion of you irrelevant and ineffective.

How did you know her name? I never told anyone in this thread. She loves me yes, but just like the people on this messageboard, were seperated by rules and guidelines of our countries, 10, 000 miles of beautiful blue water and we can never meet. Sure i could go there and see her only it would take a act of God for me to. All the Xanax in the world wouldnt block the panic attacks I would constantly have. And it would only make everything worse and more painful for both of us, cos we know we can't ever live together. Well, I know, but she still hopes. But... there may be a chance. I don't know yet. I'm trying to do what makes me happy. She makes me happy. I'm not sayign she would be the answer to everything and cure me. No I wouldnt put the weight of the world on her shoulders. But she has been such a great influence to me 10, 000 miles away, imagine if I could actually be with her. My clouds of depression would part, the weight of envy would be lifted, I can finally hold someones hand, I wont have to come home after work to a empty room and a empty life. Ill always be a wounded knee, but my life would change and have meaning again.

rfus, I read my own writing all the time. Almost like trying to study myself. My pattern of thoughts, my emotional transitions, my behavior, and the level of pain Im experiencing. You know im bedridden too, but nothings broken physically and I can very much walk. I just have a compound fracture in my mind. Forgive me if I sound like a broken record. I am. Ill wrestle with the same demons night in and night out until I can win one battle at a time. Just seems like theyre bigger, badder, and fight dirty. People say life's not fair, well, truer words could never be spoken. I dont aim for originality, just answers to the same question. I have something good to say about Rod..... just give me a little time to think about it.

That was a great story and experience. I never judge a book by its cover. It doesnt matter how war torn you are from life, if you can make it through life with your pride and dignity intact, youve accomplished something.

Hmm you must be from Canada. I cant imagine shovelling dead fish for 16 hours. But then again, I never imagined myself scrubbing rims for 10 hours at 3 am in the morning. Im way past knowing its time to move on. But first things first. Im going to continue to pursue and obtain the very thing I cant live without. I have to have something to live for if not for myself. Ill never do anything just for the sake of me. Frankly, I just dont give a flying f about me, myself and I. But, for something special, for someone special, for something beautiful, I could do anything.

I need noones pity. But thanks for the new shovel. If you didn't notice, just look around. For the last 13 years Ive been digging holes everywhere. The meaning of my life gotta be around here somewhere. Im not trying to shovel out of the dead fish. Im trying to shovel the dead fish out of me. Its the fear that keeps me vigilant, but its also fear that tears me apart. Right now Im trying to dig straight through the earth and hope I come out on the other side. I have to take it one day at a time. Ill never know anything unless I find out whats there. I can never give up, or ever justify giving up, until I finally reach that voice thats been calling out to me.

 
Old 05-02-2005, 07:25 AM   #66
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Good morning, Rod. Somebody mentioned her in this thread, and I've been a silent reader for some time. I've read other posts you've made, but felt too overwhelmed by your emotion to feel I could offer anything adequate in return. It's a name I remember, too, because my middle name is "Roslyn." Are you anxious about going to her country, or are you anxious about meeting her? Is there a way you could bring her to you? I'm totally ignorant about customs and such, please forgive me.

I don't know what more to say today. I had a really rough night and I'm about as awake as an owl during the day. I feel deeply for you, and wish I could do more to help. It's painful to see you hurting so.

Stuffed animals are great. I have an enormous, fluffy Eeyore I sleep with at night. He's the most huggable, cuddly creature I know. I think you should have a stuffed animal.

Hugs, as always,
EoR
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Old 05-02-2005, 05:06 PM   #67
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

hi rod.
you can put all the blame on me, i think i was the one who mentioned her name. go ahead and crucify me, but i'm jewish so be gentle.
i'm sorry i haven't posted lately. i have been through a lot these past few weeks, last week especially. it's the last week of classes, which means finals are approaching, so i've been writing story after story like the good little english major i am. graduation is looming and it's scary to think that i'll be leaving muhlenberg soon and entering the real world.
also, i was fired from my job as an RA because they didn't feel as though i could fulfill my duties for the rest of the year. i was on probation and i had missed a few meetings and programs, and they felt as though those were fair grounds on which to fire me. with two weeks left in the year, they were going to make me move out of my single room with my own bathroom and in with a total stranger and a communal bathroom. well, when my mom found out about this, she was immediately on the phone with our attorney to ensure that i could stay in my room (which we had paid for). so there was a huge battle for about two days until everything got sorted out. needless to say, those few days were filled with hysterical crying and countless phone calls back and forth to my mom (even moreso than usual). the end result is that i still lost my job but they're breaking policy and allowing me to stay in my room for two more weeks. i think when they heard the words "i'm calling my attorney" come out of my angry jewish mother's mouth, they acquiesced and let me stay.
anyway, i'm getting way off topic. i always talk so much about myself, and i feel like i never have anything useful to contribute. or anything positive, for that matter. for someone with such a low self esteem as i have, i talk about myself a lot, so i must come across as selfish. i'm sorry.
you say that *she* has influenced you from 10,000 miles away. i can only hope that in my own selfish way i have been some sort of influence on you for the past year or so. be that positive or negative, or just a warm body that cares, i hope i have been able to help you in your times of need. you have always been there for me and i appreciate that completely.
and hey, what is wrong is stuffed animals? i'm 22 years old and i still sleep with my teddy bear every night. mr. t has sentimental value, though, because he is the teddy bear that my dad gave to my mom at their first christmas together, which was back in 1978. if you do the math, that makes mr. t 5 years older than me. his fur is worn out in places and his ribbon is in shreds, but he's always there for me when other people in my life let me down. i can only hope that you will find your own mr. t one day, be it in the form of a stuffed animal or a human being.
okay, enough random blabberings from me. how are you holding up? how is the home life? are you any closer to moving out? and i won't touch upon the woman subject, i know that's a sore one. please just drop me a line and update me on things. you know i always do even when you don't ask me to.
all my best always,
meredith

 
Old 05-03-2005, 12:22 AM   #68
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Hey Meredith, oh I didn't know you were a beautiful Jewess Mermaid. Theres nothing to apologize for. Its just been hard thinking about her with everything looming over me. You know I like when you go on your little rants. lol. Its the only time I get to hear about you and whats going on in your life. Be as selfish as you want hun. This isn't my thread, its everyones thread.

Of course you and Genabeans, and the others all had a great influence on me. At first when you posted, you were killing me for a minute. lol. You were talking about your ex and how you missed being intimate and having someone hold you. Even though I was so envious, I tried to help as much as I could. Thank you for letting me be apart of your life for these last 2 years. I learned alot from you. I remember when we had to get you to eat and take a bath. lol. I remember how so deeply lonely you were feeling. I remember how you just wanted to be held again. I was thinking, geez this guy must be Brad Pitt or something. I learned strength from a woman. How you went back to school and faced it all. You got help and talked to your counselor. You had that talk in the car with your dad. I remember the summer job you had as a lifeguard.(Baywatch got nothing on you.) You were at the lowest of lows and I felt so deeply concerned about you when you started getting morbid, sounding like me, then ended up in the hospital. I stopped posting for awhile because I thought my negativity was rubbing off on you. I was spewing venom like a snake and used this board as a punching bag. I became more useless to everyone. Like I always told Gena, I never worry you wont make it. You got beauty and brains and you cant lose with that combo.

Um, I wouldnt be caught dead with a stuff animal unless I was sharing a room with Rose, cos I know she has a ton of them, half of them are the ones I sent her. Its so hard going into a store standing in line with a big white teddy bear and all while trying to keep your integrity intact. I swear that bear may weight more than her. I also bought her a singing bear, and a kermit the frog. It cost 50 dollars just to send a grain of salt to the Philippines, but every dollar is well worth it when I see her on webcam smiling and happy. The thing I like about her is, she loves stuff animals more than she love the jewelry I sent her. Says alot about a girl that would rather have a 20 dollar teddy bear than a 200 dollar diamond necklace.

I was born in 78 so your bear is same age as me. If my old dog sammy didnt rip my stuff rabbit to shreds a long time ago, MAYBE, just maybe I would have kept him.

Im holding up, somehow. Well trying. Home life is hell. Moving out in a couple months. You can touch on the woman subject, its fine. Im just not sure whats going to become of all of this. I still have this plane ticket, minus penalty fee credited to me until november 2005. I wanna go see her in June. Or even as early as late this month. But you know about my anxiety and panic issues. I never knew it would be so hard to overcome. But even if I go there, it wont mean anything, cos it would take a act of God to get her a visa and make her U.S. citizen. I dont think Gods on my side and I dont think God does miracle anymore.

Always keep in touch ok. I hope you do well on your finals and all. My best wishes.

 
Old 05-03-2005, 08:43 AM   #69
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

But even if I go there, it wont mean anything, cos it would take a act of God to get her a visa and make her U.S. citizen. I dont think Gods on my side and I dont think God does miracle anymore.

Whyfore?


I was born in 78 so your bear is same age as me.

Me, too! When's your birthday?

I hope you make your flight. I'll be rooting for you, sweetie. Sometimes, the only way to overcome our anxiety is to do the things we fear most (so long as they're not dangerous!) My whole family will be out of town for 5 days come May 20th. I could go with them, but I need to get over my fear of being alone. I'm scared as hell, but realize there comes a time to face the fear and do it, anyway. I think you're capable of overcoming your fears, too, especially for someone as special as Rose.

Are you going to move out of your city? Sounds like you don't much like it there. You could always move to Albuquerque, New Mexico. It's a good place to live. I'm happy you're getting out of there. I think that will be a huge healthy and positive step.

I would smile a someone in line with a big teddy bear. What a sweet and caring person you are, sending bears and kermies. Will you be my boyfriend, too? <grin>

I hope you're feeling a little happier and that life looks up for you very soon.

Take care and big hugs,
EoR
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Last edited by EoR; 05-03-2005 at 08:44 AM.

 
Old 05-03-2005, 10:56 AM   #70
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

rod and EoR, my two faves!

yes, i am a blonde haired, blue eyed jew.....yet another study in irony. i'm what you get when you mix a christian deist father with a reform jewish mother....i celebrate both holidays but have no solid grounding in any religion (even though i was raised jewish and had a bat mitzvah). so when you and our old friend went off on religious tangents, i tended to tune them out (sorry).

come on, admit you like stuffed animals. i bet you have a whole room full just like roz. did i ever tell you that kermie is my all time favorite stuffed animal? aside from mr. t of course. hey, maybe you could come to philly when you move out....it would be tons of fun, and who could pass up a good philly cheesesteak? mmmmm ok now i wanna go home, i'm sick of allentown and muhlenberg college! you keep saying i'm so beautiful, but you don't know what i look like (so you should facebook me).

in terms of facing fears, i think you should go ahead and get on that plane. even if they have to sedate you (i almost typed seduced, haha) you should do it. i know what happened the last time, but i know deep down in your heart you want to go and see her and be with her and hold her, and just think about how good the reward will be for just getting on that plane. i know that i have a huge fear of needles, yet i've donated blood four times now (the most recent was only a few weeks ago, i still have the scar on my arm) and i also have 9 piercings (three in my right ear, five in my left, and one in my belly button). i want to get one more somewhere to make an even 10, but i don't know where/what to get done. i'd also like to get a tatoo someday, but that's not for a while.

i actually wanted to thank you for bringing up the fast few years and what i have been through. sometimes i need a reminder of how low i was to realize the progress i've made. i still have a long ways to go, but i'm getting there. i keep reminding myself, i'm only the third person in my family to graduate from college (on either side) so this is such a huge accomplishment for me, and at least 20 family members and friends will be there to watch me walk, and then party it up afterwards, so i should at least be a little bit proud. i may not be graduating with honors (hell, i'm still trying to pull off d's after the semester i had) but at least i'm graduating, and that's something.

wow look at that, i spent all that time writing a reply when i could have been writing stories for my class. maybe this is why i'm failing, spending too much time on these healthboards. but they've been a lifesaver in their own special way. just think, had i never found these boards, i never would have met you and all my other friends here. i hope they're all doing ok, i worry about them sometimes. as always, keep in touch.
all my best,
meredith

 
Old 05-03-2005, 11:29 AM   #71
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Me, a fav? Aaaw, shucks. I'm all gooshy and blushy now. That's so sweet.

Sorry, Mer, but Rod has to come here and live near me! I suggested it first. He's mine! Muahahaha. Lol. Okay, he can stay here during most of the year and visit you over the summer.

I rather like the idea of them seducing him onto the plane. I think that's a great idea. Would you go for it, Rod? Those stewardesses can be pretty sexy. :P

I love Kermie, too. I don't have any Kermie stuffed aminals (yes, AMiNAls), because my house is too full of Eeyore, but I love Kermie's songs, especially "Rainbow Connection." Hooray for Kermie lovers. :x

Hey, Mer, I'm so glad to hear you're making progress and that you will be graduating. A little bit proud? You should be extremely proud of yourself. That's so admirable! I wish I could be there to cheer you on and party.

Lol. I understand putting off other things to write a reply. As I write this, my house is a wreck. "That girl has GOT to get her priorities straight!" Actually, helping others feel better will always be a priority to a clean house. It's so neat you're writing stories for class and that you want to be a writer. I always aspired to be writer, except I seemed to have gottten writers block that lasted 10 years. When I was 10 years old, I wrote this great story about a girl who was turned into a dog and had to do 3 good deeds to turn back into a human. Now, in addition to Wishbone, there are stories like that all over. I'm kickin' myself now! Lol.

Have a great week, to the both of you. Be well.

Hugs,
EoR
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Old 05-03-2005, 02:47 PM   #72
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

EoR, are you asking why she can't come here or why isnt God on my side?
The process of successfully petitioning for a fiance visa is about as acheivable as breaking into Fort Knox. There are hoops you have to jump through that are on fire, high in the air and about the size of donuts. I had so many panic attacks just reading about the process because by the time I read and learned more about it, we had already been 7 months into this relationship and all the money I saved and sacrifices I made(and I made many huge sacrifices for her), it just seemed like it was all for nothing. I thought I could just fly her here and we get married and waalaaa. Without doubt the biggest miscalculation and mistake of my life.

Why isnt God on my side? I dunno. Maybe he doesn't exist. Maybe Im bad. I spent many nights when I was young looking up at the moon as if I was speaking to God with tears in my eyes praying and begging that he would allow me to be safe in school, make friend, dont let me get beat up or hurt anymore, and let me make my parents proud. It almost seemed like the more I prayed the worst things got. The more I got beaten and rejected and humiliated. God gives us free will. So I dont think he has much influence in what goes on. I talk about God like I believe in his/she/it. I dont know if I do or dont, but there has to be a reason why the earth and the moon and the planets and the sun are all a perfect circle. I guess Mermaid is tunning out now.

My birthday is July 3rd, Roz is July 1st, we wanted to get married on July 2nd. Ive been hoping to make that flight since november. Nothings changed. Fear sits on my left shoulder, anxiety sits on my right. The ocean is not the biggest thing between us. I am severely ill. Crippled mentally and emotionally. I dont have a fear of flying, even though I never been on a plane. Its something way deeper than I can even begin to understand or find.

I'm thinking about moving to Vancouver. I'm a big polar bear and I like cold weather. I have a uncle who lives there that would give me a job and a place to stay. He loves it there and Ive seen so many beautiful pictures of that city. I could never live there. Its way too beautiful. Im way too ugly. Taking a walk downtown or in a park just wouldnt be worth it if I had to be alone. Nothing is worth experiencing if you always have to be alone. Maybe Roz can get into Canada as a caregiver, maybe we can meet half way. I dunno. I feel like a 40 year old muscian waiting for my first big break. Do I really expect anything good to ever happen by now? lol. No. But its nice to dream, even if theyre hollow ones.

Yeah Im a real deeply sweet and romantic person. Ok, dont tell anyone this, lets just keep this between us, but I write songs and poems for her every morning before I use my phonecard to call her. Shes about as god-fearing and spiritual as it gets. So I phone text her a prayer at night. I think I phone text her too much. But, like I said, its all we have other than phone and webcam chats. If theres one flaw about her personality its that shes a moody little thing. But as we bridged the gap betwen our culture and our differences, we don't have misunderstandings anymore. When she gets moody, she just becomes mute. And I would go and buy 25 dollar phonecards just to sit and listen to her breathe. I didnt know anything else to do, I just wanted to be there for her. It was very difficult understanding her emotionally. Then one day I got a epiphany. I told her, since you write a diary everyday, I want you to let me be your diary. Just sit and email me, we dont have to talk about anything or be on the phone, just sit and write down what you feel, you have to say something to me. She did it for me and when I read her first diary email, every single thing we had been struggling with just came to light. Ever since then we've been great. Except for november. And except for the fact that we can never be together really. Its amazing how much we have in common. But also very tragic we can never really be anything other than chat lovers.

Mermaid dont start picking faves. But I admit EoR reminds me of Geena. Sweet and great sense of humor. Somehow I find it hard to be at my negative best cos you guys are so upbeat seemingly.

Um, gotta Doc appointment like, in 10 mins, so I gotta go.

Rfus, hope your hanging in there, stay afloat my friend.

Take care all.

 
Old 05-03-2005, 11:46 PM   #73
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

It's interesting the conversation turned to stuffed animals. When I lie in bed, if I feel extra lonely, sometimes I hug a dragon, and it helps much more than a pillow. If I saw you in line holding that bear, Rod, I wouldn't think "What kind of man buys a stuffed animal?" No. I would be thinking, "If that's for his girlfriend, she is so lucky." And if I found out a guy slept with a stuffed animal (let's say a dragon), I'd smile and think he must be a sweet wonderful guy. (And I'm in my mid-20's.)

 
Old 05-04-2005, 07:50 PM   #74
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

I don't know whats worst. The tight knot in my gut or the way my head feels like its being crushed. The best advice my doctor told me was to get some sunshine. I laid outside by the pool reading. Man, I forgot what the sun felt like. It was kinda pleasant. Just me, and the sun. Not too hot. Still a little cool down here. But them it hits me like a kick in the groin. I saw a plane. Then another one. And another. Just like something was trying to torment me. I should be on one of those planes. But im down here looking up at them fly bye. Just like looking at my entire life passing me by. Im 26. Time certainly flies.

I remember that morning laying in bed with my plane tickets as the clock went from 7 a.m. to 8 to 9. The chance of a lifetime took off at 9:30 a.m. My seats. My empty seats. A empty seat to Detriot. A Empty seat to Nagoya, Japan, a empty seat to Manila, a empty seat to cagayan de oro, philippines. A crying man. A crying woman. A Ocean of tears between us. Promises broken. Hope diminished. Love defeated by fear.

I dont think Im gonna go out for a little sunshine again. The sky taunts me. The sun laughs. The planes, they just keep flying by.

I always live my life until the point of impact, then thats when I bail out. Man overboard. If I was a bird, Id always be in that nest, getting fat eating worms. Too scared to spread my wings.

I'm ageless right now. No reason to count the days. No reason to turn the calendar. Its no use even counting birthdays. No reason to watch the time. Its either a quater til death, or Im half past dead.

Last edited by Man Apart; 05-04-2005 at 08:25 PM.

 
Old 05-05-2005, 12:05 PM   #75
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Oh, sweetie. I wish I knew how to help. You still have those tickets, don't you? It's not too late. You can still go! You can do this. It's for Roselyn (Rose.) You've saved for the tickets. You bought the tickets. The next step is to get to the airport. Once there, don't turn back! Fear overcome by love. Hope restored. Promises kept. Tears of joy--oceans of dreams come true. A man and a woman, in love, holding eachother. Stop talking yourself out of it because she won't be able to come home with you. Stay there, if you have to. Find a way to make it work. Your wings are always there for you. You have the power to spread them and fly to Rose. (I can't call her Roz. I always think of the sluggy thing from Monsters Inc.) Do the "what ifs?" hold you back? What IF you don't meet Rose? What if you DON'T get on that plane? Isn't that thought even more frightening in a way? Those planes aren't taunting you, they're beckoning you. They're telling you that there's nothing to fear. They're telling you that it will be okay. I know what Rose would love far more than stuffed animals--YOU!

You could change your entire life by going through with this. You could have what you've always longed for, if you can get through some initial anxiety. You CAN do this. You are worth this. You deserve this! Your happiness is just within your reach--touch it, Rod. Climb back aboard your ship and steer it where you want it to go. YOU have the power.

Hugs & Love,

EoR
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