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Old 05-12-2005, 07:09 PM   #1
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Hate myself, hate my family, hate the world

STOP READIG NOW IF YOU WONT READ IT.

Okay, since birth, my life has been really shtty. I am a 14 year old male. My parents are drug addictts, alcoholics, and flat out lazy and irresponsible. I have to live my life, day by day watching my dad, and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. When he cooks a meal, he leaves a mess. I tell him to clean it up, and he blames the mess on me. (how stupid is that) Thats why I just gave up on him. Then I turned to my mom for a good parent. (divorced parents) She lives in an unsanitary apartment and hate it. She is a heavy alcoholic and retired drug abuser. When she gets drunk which is every night, she is mean, rude, and just stupid. I dont even talk to her. Now I sit in my room and stare. Stare at anything. When my dad comes home on drugs, i get so mad. I yell at him and lock myself in my room. Sometimes I cry for no reason. To realease my anger, I will sometimes shoot my self with a pellet gun. Or shoot something else. But for a little while, everything was going pretty good. I was happy for a few days. Then my freind came over. When he met my family, he got freaked out and left. I got so mad. Now I am in my room soo depresssed. I have no life. Nothing to look forward to. I wonder why I am even living. What was my purpose on this earth. A few days ago, my dad took me to a therapist. When I asked why, he said i was acting angry and depressed. WELL NO SHT. After what my family has done to me. The therapist said to work on thinking more positive. My mom and my therapist want me on meds. My dad said probably not. I dont care. I wish I could just vansih into thin air and never be seen again. My freinds boss me around and i cant really do anything about it. Kids at school think im in a N A Z I youth program because thats how i act. I really dont care what they call me. I just gave up on everything. I dont even know why i posted this. if anyone can help, i would greatly appreciate it.

 
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Old 05-12-2005, 08:15 PM   #2
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dwallech HB User
Re: Hate myself, hate my family, hate the world

Hi,
I would go to a counselor a school, as this is not a good situation or environment for you to be in. They are the ones perhaps who should be in counseling. You are feeling the result of what is going on around you. Being with people when you are feeling alone is worse than being alone. Parents should be there for their children, and when they are not, I am not sure what you should do, as they should be your source of comfort. Unfortunately they are not able to handle their problems and therefore have nothing left to give to you.
Please talk to a counselor as you really need help for your own protection as you are 14 and can't rely on your parents. It is not good for you to be in that environment of either on of them. Please let us know if you are able to get an help from a counselor in school or at church etc which surely can assist. Let us know how you are doing. We are all here for you.

 
Old 05-13-2005, 04:25 AM   #3
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traing HB User
Re: Hate myself, hate my family, hate the world

You seem like you want change so bad. 14 is tough enough huh? Parents dont always help. They never think its them that might be the problem. Do you have anything that interests you? Sometimes that can be a great excape. Somewhere to go that is your own and you can get some peace and happiness. If you are just at the point of not being able to take anymore please talk to someone you trust. A teacher, neighbor, another relative. My thoughts are with u.

 
Old 05-13-2005, 06:26 AM   #4
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racing flats HB User
Re: Hate myself, hate my family, hate the world

You need a plan.

Talk to a counsellor or even close friends about how you are going to take control of your life and future. With a long-term plan, you will have a reason to live.

I know what it's like at 14. You have to be the strong one, though. Consider sports, even something like running, as a way to release energy/anger instead of stuff like the pellet gun. It's now that you are setting the stage for your future, man - you have to get tough.

Decide on a course of action. What do you want to be as an adult? Get involved in your future now, since it's clear that it's the only way out for you. You have learned responsibility at a young age through unpleasant circumstances, but there's some good in it.

Remember, you have power. Get confident - your post shows you are intelligent and articulate. Don't be a victim, and don't punish yourself for your parents' shortcomings.

 
Old 05-13-2005, 06:32 AM   #5
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Re: Hate myself, hate my family, hate the world

racingflats...very well said. Thats great advice.

 
Old 05-13-2005, 08:23 AM   #6
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lucylane HB User
Re: Hate myself, hate my family, hate the world

I think you should listen to "racing flats" advice. Try to focus on a way for you to reside in a better environment, like in a relative's home or even a foster home. The life you are leading now is destroying you mentally and causing you to do physical harm to yourself. I don't believe drugs will help, but a change of address will. Just realize that you are not your parents and you are a worthwhile person and desserve a happy and healthy upbringing. Go to your school councellor and seek advice for a solution to your problems. People do care about you. I do!

 
Old 05-15-2005, 06:17 PM   #7
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Re: Hate myself, hate my family, hate the world

Im getting to the point where I can't take it anymore. One day I will feel great, then other days I sit in my room by myself and be miserable over my life. My mom told me im a danger to society, and she thinks im the next Adolf Hitler. That made me upset. Yes, I have a lot of thoughts of killing people, and hurting people, but I would never really do them. My dad sits in his room all day moning over headaches. He doesnt cook for me, entertain me, or even talk to me. What do I do. Im asking anyone...................
Anyone please help me here.................................... ...............................


Ohh, yeah, I am going to counsel every other week to talk alone about my problems. So far i hate it.

Last edited by WHY??; 05-15-2005 at 08:42 PM.

 
Old 05-15-2005, 07:34 PM   #8
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Astroboy529 HB User
Re: Hate myself, hate my family, hate the world

Why:

First, try to understand that you are innocent. Your parents, which you had no control over have the problem. When I was 14, I lived with an abusive and alcoholic mother and my father was dying of cancer. It was tough enough being 14 without that added baggage. I felt very alone then as you do know. I didn't even have the outlet of a board like this. I agree with the other posters that starting with a school counsellor would make sense. If not, do you have an aunt or uncle or a grandparent you could talk to? I didn't have any family other my alcoholic mom. The best thing you could do is find an adult figure that you can trust and talk to. You may not believe this now but the fact that you can identify the source of your angst is a big plus. I was too numb at 14 to do anything but live in denial and it took a toll on me later in life in various ways. Another thing you could try is find an organization that interests you...I dunno, scouts, or sports, or anything where you can get a pleasant escape. I started to work at 16 so I could afford earlier to get out of the house and away from my abusive mom.
What you CAN be sure of is that without seeking out help, it won't find you and you can benefit from it and ease some of the pain. I didn't do that out of shame and that was a mistake.

Your parents probably had childhoods every bit as miserable as you describe yours and they are merely passing it on to you. I vowed not to pass it on, but my childhood did affect my choices in life. Some for the better, and some not. But I'll tell you that I wish someone had been there for me or that I had made a bigger effort to seek someone out... I can't urge you strongly enough to do so. You still have time to reverse your life and make it better on yourself. You can control that part. Best of luck to you......

 
Old 05-16-2005, 04:43 AM   #9
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lucylane HB User
Re: Hate myself, hate my family, hate the world

Please take to heart Astroboy529's post to you. You need to take control of this horrible situation you are in. You do have a handle on it, because you know your living arrangements are causing you misery. Both your parents are letting you down. Give the counselling you said you are having a chance. Tell the councellor everything and maybe he or she could really be a big help to you. Try to set in motion your future with a plan of action. Tell your councellor you need help. It's quite possible a change of address into a functional home of a relative or a foster home could be the answer that you need to turn your life around from feeling miserable to feeling hope & happiness. Just remember it's your parents that have problems and you need to get away from them, because they could destroy you. Please keep in touch and let us know if things change for the better for you. You matter and people like myself do care about you.

 
Old 05-22-2005, 06:19 PM   #10
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Re: Hate myself, hate my family, hate the world

Thanks people. Dont know if you have read my heart disorder thread, but i just got out of the hospital after being in it for 3 days. I kept my cheerfulness up until I got home. Everything around me is so depressing. My best freinds whole family is dieng of cancer and its killing me to hear that. He is also going to couseling and he hates it to.

Heres a list of bothersome things with me:

Hate fills my every other thought
I never have enough energy to do activitys
I cant enjoy the things i used to
No matter how hard i try, my school work is always bad
I often think of killing something, or someone
My peers are scared of me, and think I am hitler
I am extremely anti social
I hate talking to people to people other than my freinds
I like girls, but they stay away from me
I get angry at a lot of little things
There is nothing to look forward to in my life
Most teens my age worry about datijng, I worry about my future
I dont participate in any extra school activitys
I live on my computer

If any of you care, please give advice

 
Old 05-22-2005, 06:34 PM   #11
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roopy HB User
Re: Hate myself, hate my family, hate the world

i feel for you, believe me. i had a terrible childhood as well. i understand that you hate counseling. i did too when i was your age. i am now 25 though and i realize that counseling saved my life. you may not see it now but if you stick with it, you will later....promise! there is no quick fix to your problem, as it is rather large, but you are obviously VERY SMART to even be asking for help. but in order for anything to work, you have to accept the help, whether you agree with it or not sometimes. believe me i am not judging. i had very abusive parents and went from foster home to foster home with no stability and my real parents never cared. i am 25 now and haven't spoken to my mom in 6 years. she is still unstable. but it has nothing to do with you that your parents are that way. you have to stick up for yourself and be strong though or this will swallow you up, and that can't happen. this is gonna sound bad, but forget about their problems and focus on what you need to do to better yourself. good luck to you!!!

 
Old 05-23-2005, 07:49 PM   #12
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Re: Hate myself, hate my family, hate the world

A few years ago, I had this best freind. We were like brothers. He also had bad parents, and living environments, so we were exactly alike. We had the most fun ever togethor. We stayed up listening to music and playing cards. We did everything togethor. We promised to be best freinds forever. We would do a lot of pranks, and some bad stuff to. Occasionally we would drink a few, and light some stuff on fire, but that was fun. When my dad found out, he said no more of him. My dad wouldnt let me see him anymore. I havent seem him in a very long time. I miss him so much. There isnt a day that gos by where I dont think of him.
Last night, I was watching a homemade movie that him and I had done. It made me cry to see him and I togethor having so much fun. And to think that we can never do that again............... He was a one of a kind freind. I sit in my room in the dark thinking about him. I wonder, when i turn 18, and is not owned by my parents, will i ever see jacob(my freind) again. Will he be in the same state. Will he still want to be freinds. I just want to see him. Its mentally killing me.
You peole dont know what its like for me.....................Yeah i have other freinds, but he was different...............

 
Old 05-23-2005, 10:25 PM   #13
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annica HB User
Re: Hate myself, hate my family, hate the world

I know of a 14 year old girl who is in a situation very similar to yours. Her parents are crack users. Her home life is absolutely terrible. Her parents don't even supply her with adequate food or clothing and they're just downright nasty to her. DFACS has been called but nothing ever comes of it. My oldest daughter, who is 20, has befriended her and buys her food and clothes which she has to hide from her parents so they don't take it from her. It's so sad. What she does to make it through is focus on her schoolwork and ROTC. She's motivated to make a success of her life b/c she doesn't want to wind up like her parents. Many nights she sits in her room and cries her heart out but she keeps trying. I know that may not be the answer for you, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

When I was young, I was in foster care and I was abused and unwanted and everyone I reached out to for help let me down. I made it through the best I could and just kept telling myself that one day I would be an adult, in charge of my own life and I wouldn't have to suffer the injustice any longer. It kept me going to write in my journal about how I would live my future life.

I understand why you feel the way you do about life being in the situation you're in. You have to be stronger than any 14 year old should ever have to be. Talk to your therapist honestly about your environment and ask him/her to help you find a way out.

Please also tell your therapist about hurting yourself, if you haven't done so already. My son used to cut himself but now is on medication and doesn't have that urge any longer. That may be an avenue you both need to explore.

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. I wish I could reach through the computer and just give you a hug. You deserve better but unfortunately without your parents being able to give you better right now, you're going to have to be strong and reach out for help yourself. Please try not to lose hope. I know it's hard and I know it's unfair, but please, please, please try to hang in there and get some outside intervention.

 
Old 05-24-2005, 09:36 PM   #14
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Re: Hate myself, hate my family, hate the world

I was just thinking about you today and wondering if you're ok. Please post an update if you can. I'm worried about you.

 
Old 05-25-2005, 10:21 PM   #15
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Re: Hate myself, hate my family, hate the world

Thanks for caring annica. Im doing acctually the slightest bit better. Today I went to my brothers highschool graduation. Well my brothers freinds family was sitting next to us. My family is good freinds with them. They had a 14 year old daughter. She was pretty cool. She and i talked. But me being the unsocialable person, I didnt really say anything. She was kinda hitting on me. She kept looking back at me. Then she moved and sat by me. Im going to a party at her house in a few days. I hope to see her there.
This made me feel like a real person of society. I hope everything works out okay.
I just got out of school and have made some summer goals inspired by my freinds:

-Leave my room, and go do something with freinds.
-Try to communicate more with girls
-feel better about myself
-get over my bad parents

I hope i can be a changed kid at the end of the summer

 
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