I posted a message last night, but nobody replied. It was two pages long, I sort of got carried away and had never told my story in whole before, sorry, I am sure all of you have stories, I guess it felt good to tell mine in words even if nobody read it. That is why I want to thank you all for all of your stories and helping each other, all I do is come here and read, and it helps me to see others living and fighting.
I am on six meds right now. I have fought my disorder for about 5 years, and suffered for about 15. I am a 24/m. I feel sometimes like I lost everything, I used to have a serious, serious girlfriend, a million friends, almost a finished business degree at a great school, health, it was all there. When my illness finally nailed me, all of those are gone now, even my girlfriend left me when she found out. The sick thing is, I would never change anything that happened. I feel like I know myself better now, better than any "successes" may have previously taught me. It is hell, probably best word to describe it, and I hear some of you use it too.
I am just so low on hope right now. I have tried every medicine, even 6 months of ECT, every therapy. First they thought I had bipolar, then just depression, then anxiety, now even ADD. I have stopped even calling it a name, haha, I just call it my "disorder". My doctor is now the best I have ever had, he is really onto something he says, and is doing a new thing - attacking it from the ADD and anxiety side. I have only had him a few months, but he is great - he actually talks to me a lot, so he really knows what is going on, do you all feel better when a doctor does that? I hate docs that just ask me how I am doing, and in midsentence they chuck some pills at me or give another recipe for 3 weeks of disaster.
But now I am sitting here watching people graduate, get married, date, get jobs, and sometimes I can't even get myself food, or get out of bed, even suicidal thoughts for hours. I feel like I fell off the life train, and will never catch up again. I am ashamed, I have to keep going, and it helps to just talk to you. Neil Young once called the ocean a desert, with the perfect disguise above. Mental illness is that desert, with a perfect disguise outside. Nobody understands or believes me, and it takes all my willpower to just smile.
Please just give me hope, or tell me a good story about you or anyone, and thanks for all of your posts and I pray for each of your fights.
I can understand where you are coming from...I have suffered from very severe depression for as long as I can remember (literally, I had suicidal thoughts in elementary school!) ...I just turned 20, and I also feel like I "messed up" many many aspects of my life...I owe money on the first apartment I ever rented (I had to bolt because I lost a job due to depression!), I lost numerous relationships, abused illegal drugs in my past, and owe money back on a student loan for a whole year of school that I withdrew from also because of my illness. My current bf understands depression and is very supportive, thank god, but I have been through hell, numerous hospitalizations, and almost every med in the book. I thought there was no help for me until I went to a qualified psych and a very very good social worker. I'm very slowly getting better...I think.
I know that when you don't really have much of a foundation, it doesn't seem reasonable to picture building your life back up...but it happens, a LITTLE bit at a time. Think baby steps. For me, I try to not get my hopes up too much when thinking about this illness long term...I don't say to myself things like, "someday I will NEVER get really depressed!" Rather, I say to myself, "someday I hope I will have minimal bad bad days and someday I hope to have a better handle on myself when those bad days come about." Be easy on yourself, I know it's hard to do that. Keep going to your doctor, keep pressing on. Journal, write, that's also something I do..that way I can look back on my week or month and see that I had X amount of good days, it helps me keep things in perspective. Good meds combined with good therapy should be effective. Acknowledge little accomplishments you make, try to leave the house (other than for work or necessary reasons) at least once a day. The one aspect of depression that has really affected me is...I get to appreciate the good days even more. Try to always keep things in perspective. I hope this helped, even a little!
Thanks so much for your reply, I know its cliche to say, but it really does mean a lot to read what you said. I hope to everything that you steadily get better, and thats really awesome you have a boyfriend that understands. I know exactly what you mean about not getting my hopes up - sometimes people wonder why I purposely get pessimistic. My theory is since I am falling all the time, the higher I hope, harder I fall. So I just stay as modest as I can, which usually isnt that hard these days . Low hopes keep me from falling as hard. I will be hoping for you, and thanks again -
It breaks my heart to hear of people who suffer so. I've watched my own husband go through it, trying to deal with it for over 20 years. He too has tried all things under the sun to "make it go away", with little to no relief. Luckily for us.....giving up, as easy as it would have been at times, was never in our makeup. He fretted and tried to remain hopeful....I researched my butt off and tried to remain supportive!!
Our "perserverance" finally paid off once we had the blessed fortune of being sent by a friend of ours to an Environmental Doctor. It was through him we found the answer to "cure" my husband of his endless road of suffering. ( I will save you all the gory details....but if your interested or curious search my "Drug Resistant Depression" thread on this site) For my husband, it was food allergies and once eliminated from his diet, he completely improved to the point we consider him "cured". But, during his initial visit with his ED.....we were told it could also be as simple as a thyroid condition, a hormonal imbalance, a nutrient difficiency or even an environmental allergy of some sort, just to name a few.
While I believe for some people, it could simply be a matter of finding the right med or treatment....for others it could certainly be something else, something simple, something underlying, something overlooked.
Whichever road you choose to travel to find your peace.....I pray that you will never give up, that you will never take "no" for an answer, that you will never leave any possible stone unturned, and that you will always remember that there are people who feel and share your pain, who will share with you all they know or have learned, who will always support you and wish you nothing but the best.
It sounds like you have a really good doctor. I have gone to therapy and gone through a few therapists. I had one that just asks me questions but never gives me feedback. He kinda just sits there and listens and doesn't give me any responses. I'm sure he was trying to help but I just didn't find it helpful. I had two others that were much better, they actually tried to give feedback and talked back to me. It made a huge difference because it feeled like they cared alot more. If you have a good doctor, it is an excellent start. From what I have heard, when you go to a doctor/therapist, there is suppose to be a type of connection because they are there to help and guide you on your journey to a cure. Anyways glad to hear despite all the other bad things, you like your doctor. It is a good starting point. But if his meds don't work out, there's also other good doctors out there.
On a different note, do you currently have any goals? For me, I just had recently decided to drop out of a good college and pursue my goals. School was draining me and making me depressed. When I'm depressed, I try to think of what I want in life and snap out of being depressed. It sometimes helps.
I read both of your threads...you are a really good writer! I really hope you continue to post. I didn't post my own thread for a long time. I was so scared that someone would say something to hurt my feelings or think bad things about me. So I started just answering posts. It helped me to feel better about myself and gave me a sense of accomplishment. I was in the depths of hell and couldn't see my way out except for suicide. I fought it daily and I kept telling myself to just hold on for a better day. It didn't happen and I got worse. I was planning each step of my own death and had started to feel somewhat better because I had a solution (not a good one) but I had one. I was in really bad shape. I was at the very bottom and didn't have the energy or even the courage to try to get help. I thought it was useless. I knew if I didn't get some help I would go through with my plan. I went to the ER and signed myself into the hospital. They started changing my meds and I slowly started getting better. I was in the hospital for 10 days. I felt like a different person when I got out. I knew I wasn't 100% or even 50% but I was better and it made me have hope again. I posted my first thread on this board and everyone was so supportive and told me they were so glad I didn't go through with my plan. It made me feel like I was finally a part of something. It felt kinda like group therapy, but better.
If you have read a lot on the depression board, then you probably know my story. It comes out little by little and I just write what I feel. I sincerely feel for everyone that suffers from depression. It is a horrible disease to go through. I too have a new doctor and a new therapist.They really listen to me and they don't watch the clock and make me feel like I am taking up their valuable time.
I wish you continued success with your new doctor and with your meds. I will be looking forward to seeing you posting more.