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Old 05-20-2005, 11:08 AM   #1
EoR EoR is offline
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This is going to be so hard...

Today's the day. A long time ago, I posted something to the effect of, "Should I stay or should I go," pertaining to a trip I was invited to go on with my boyfriend and my son to Iowa. As a test of personal strength, and because of financial reasons, I chose to stay.... They just left. They're going to be away for 5 days, and even though my son is only 2, I haven't been away from him more than 8 hours since he was born, and that was one time, overnight, whike I was asleep anyway. I miss him incredibly even when he's gone for short periods of time, like for 3 hours on a doctor's visit with his Dad while I'm working. I'm already sobbing, and they've only been gone for about 2 minutes. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. Things are already so quiet around here. No cheerful toddler noises, no T.V. I feel so lonely, and I have 5 whole days of this ahead! Also, I suffer from terrible anxiety. My anxiety stems from the fear of loss. I am especially anxious when my boyfriend and/or kids are in traffic, and now they're not only going to be in heavy freeway and airport traffic, they're going to be going on a plane, and then going to a busy city and having someone else drive them around. I'm already a miserable wreck just thinking about it. If anything were to ever happen to my boyfriend, or my baby, I'd become a zombie. I'd go on living for my daughter, but I'd be a shell of a person--the would be nothing there. I know I'm being a huge cry baby... I'm just not used to being alone. Originally, my daughter's biological father was going to take her out of town this weekend, too, but we both begged him to let her stay, and after some nastiness on his part, she's allowed to do so--so at least I'll have her when she gets home from school today and all this weekend. Still... God, I miss my baby boy. I love him so much. He's my entire life. I love my boyfriend and daughter a ton, too, but my son is extraodinarily dear to me. We have a bond like you couldn't imagine, and he's my world. I can rationalize that it's only 5 days, but when you haven't lived a day without the person you care for most, it can seem like an eternity. I'm crying so hard I feel like I could puke any minute. How am I going to survive this?

Sorry for being such a whiner... I'm sorry...

EoR
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Old 05-20-2005, 11:50 AM   #2
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Re: This is going to be so hard...

Hi EoR

It's totally understandable that you are missing your b/f and son already. It may not be easy for the next five days but you will get through it because you are strong. You have your daughter too so i'm sure you will be able to focus all the love and kindness that you clearly have to give, on her. Of course you are going to think of those not with you and you are going to worry, i would too in your position. But they will be ok and you will get through this and be even stronger for it. You were strong to let them go, and i have great admiration for you for that.

I know it is easier said than done, and i hope you dont mind me stating the obvious, but they will be ok, and they will miss you too. Then you will be able to get on with your lives. It's wonderful that you have these three special people in your life.

You sound like a devoted mother and i'm not suprised when i see how loving you are on here. You've been so strong for others on here that i know you can get through this.

Of course you know that we are all here for you, whenever you want. You know too that you never have to apologise for anything you want to talk about on here. You honestly don't come across as whining. You come across as loving and caring. You can do this. Try and stay strong.

My thoughts are with you and there will be people here (including little old me!) whenever you want.

Good luck, take care and keep going.

James.

 
Old 05-20-2005, 12:21 PM   #3
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Re: This is going to be so hard...

don't be sorry for being a whinner. please don't. its what this board is for. if that's what u feel, theres nothing wrong with that. i think its so hard for you now, during the first moments theyre gone, because you're not used to this situation and know its all coming. although, after a day or two, you will still incredibly miss them, but im sure you will be more immune to the fact and will be able to handle it more. they are going to have a fun and safe 5 days, which isn't too many, and in the meantime you can take some time for just yourself. spend one of the five days and get a facial or something that can help keep your mind of it and keep you relaxed. do something for YOU. you need it for yourself right now they'll be back sooner than you think, im sure of it.

 
Old 05-20-2005, 01:02 PM   #4
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Re: This is going to be so hard...

EoR,

It is never easy to let the ones you love the most go where you can readily see, touch, smell or hear them especially when you have anxiety. I am sure your boyfriend is a very safe, responsible and reliable person and would never let anything happen to himself or your son. Your son is in good hands and is going to have the best time of his little life so far. I'm glad you are going to have your daughter with you, you will be able to focus all your "worry" energy it to doing fun things with her. I know you will be ok, it will be hard but you will make it.

Sending you strength and serenity,
blondmcfly

 
Old 05-20-2005, 08:34 PM   #5
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Samantha317 HB User
Re: This is going to be so hard...

Hi Eor
Hey sweetie! It will be hard but you are a very strong person and you will make it through...your b/f and son will be just fine. I really understand how it feels for your children to be away for the first time. I can remember how I felt when each one of my children stayed away from me for the first time. It is a part of the process of letting them go. You want what is best for them and I understand the anxiety of the what if's! Don't put yourself through that. Spend some time with your daughter...just you spending some special time with your daughter. Do something fun...it doesn't have to cost money. Get out some paint...finger paints...put on old tee shirts so you won't mess up your clothes. Make some handprints of your daughter. She will be all grown up way too soon and you will wonder where the time went. Make something special that you two can share and have this time captured in something tangible that you can look back on and cherish. I have posters of my children's handprints and there is a poem and the date on it. My boy's are grown now. When I lost everything near and dear to me, I found those posters of my children's handprints. I just sat there and held them and cried. I had time frozen on those posters. It didn't mean anything to someone else, but it meant the world to me.

You are not whining and you certainly are not a cry baby. You love your family and don't want anything bad to happen to them. You are a good mother for that, not a whiner or cry baby. No matter how old they get, you will still want the best for them and worry about them when they are not with you.

I find comfort in saying a prayer for my children's safety. I too don't know what I would do if I lost one of them. I used to make myself so sick with worry over my chidren. They grew up and started making their own decisions and they went through the teenage years. I just had to step out on faith that God would put his angels around them and keep them safe.

I don't know if any of this helped you. I sure hope it made you know that it is normal for a mother that loves her children. They only want what is best for them and for them to be safe.

Here's many heartfelt hugs sent your way ((((((((((((EOR))))))))))))!!!!!

Hang in there sweetie! Keep us updated...it does help to vent.

Best wishes,
Sam

 
Old 05-21-2005, 11:03 AM   #6
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Re: This is going to be so hard...

EoR i read ur message and now uve got me crying too ha, think its because im kinda emotional at the moment but i didnt want to leave u feeling upset. its normal to feel like this especially when ur depressed. ur obviously a great mother and gf! u care soooo much for them they are lucky to have u. please try and hang in there, theyll be back soon and ur not a cry baby ur a normal caring person!

sorry for not being helpful but i wanted to say take care and chin up EoR

LOVE YA

Brett xooxooxoxxoxooxoxxoxoo

 
Old 05-22-2005, 01:37 AM   #7
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Re: This is going to be so hard...

Ooooh EoR. Goodness hun. I hope your ok. I really think you did the right thing. Once they come back safe and sound you'll realize theres nothing really to fear. The love you have for them is so deep. I know and understand how you feel. I always felt personally if I can't live for myself then i could live for someone else. Thats why finding someone to share my life with is so vital to me right now, because I lost the ability to really live for myself.

Did you know that "whiney" in chinese means I love you. If there is anything worth whining for, its love. lol. But your not whining, your facing your fear. After the 5 days, youll look back and realize you did the right thing. Do they have cell phones? I hope they call as often as they can. You have friends here too, people wishing you the best and your never alone. Im worried about you. I know how bad anxiety can get, especially when trying to face your fear head on. I don't know if Id be strong enough to even see them walk out of the door, but you are. Stay with us and post as often as you can. Please take care my friend.

 
Old 05-22-2005, 06:29 AM   #8
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Re: This is going to be so hard...

I totally get it!! I have a 16 yr old, a 7 yr old, & a 1 yr old. I always feel panicky when one of my kids is not close enough to see. (anxiety problem too...) It is good that you are away from each other now and then. It's hard... but necessary growth.

Try to stay busy - and get out of the house... You will live through this!... and you will be stronger because of it. Pat yourself on the back -- you are letting your son grow. This is good for his relationship with his dad, and it will instill confidence. Be strong! ..and stay busy! You can do it!!!

Melissia

 
Old 05-22-2005, 09:40 AM   #9
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Re: This is going to be so hard...

Hi, guys . Thank you all for your concerns, advice, and support. What would I ever do without all of you? I really appreciate it. You have no idea. I've been suffering anxiety ridden insomnia, so if I'm not super coherant, that's why.

James: Thank you for believing in my strength. I really needed your words. I read your post the day they left, and I felt much calmer, remembering that the whole reason I opted to stay home, was because I needed to work on my fear of being alone. Sometimes, I think we have to confront the things that cause us the most pain head on to grow and mature, and ultimately, shed the fear. I appreciate that you're always around with kind words and encouragement. I hope you've been doing better. I have been too tired lately to make very sincere posts, but I read your latest, and I really hope things have improved since then. Please take care of yourself. I hope someday you can see yourself the way I see you. You're a wonderful person! (And neve just a "little old me.") Hugs!

bigbadfroggie: Hey, you! Thank you for your post. You are absoultely right. Those first few hours were definitely the hardest, but now that some time has passed, it's not so bad. Do something for me? Wow... That hasn't happened in such a long time. I have no idea what I'd actually do. I do still have my daughter, so whatever I did, it'd have to include her. Maybe I could take us both for a haircut... Wait, that's really not all that exciting, is it? Any ideas? Hope you've been doing well, sweetie. Best wishes and big hugs.

blondmcfly: Hi! Nice to meet you. It really helped me to read your post and acknowledge that my son is in good hands. I know his Daddy wouldn't ever let anything harm either of them. I guess I just worry about other people's driving. Where I live, people drive like they won their license out of a Cracker Jack box. But, my boyfriend is a very good defensive driver, and it will help me to keep that in mind. Thank you, too, for strength and serenity. I could use them both. Take care, sweetie.

Samantha: There you are, sweet and loving as ever. How could've you ever doubted that you don't come across as loving? You are one of the most compassionate souls I've ever had the fortune of knowing, and your posts always put rays of sunshine through my clouds of depression. Your ideas for what to do while spending solo time with my daughter are great. I think I'll buy some finger paints this afternoon! Yesterday, we went to McDonald's, our local Family Fun Center, the park, and then we came home and watched movies and ate fun foods. This morning, we had ice cream cones for breakfast! Liz (my daughter) has been allowed to sleep in bed with me, to fill the empty space. She's loving it. It really hasn't been such a bad weekend, after all. I find comfort in saying prayers for my family's safety, too. I have to believe there are guardian angels out there watching out for them. I'm glad you were able to raise 3 healthy and happy boys, and they're incredibly lucky to have you as their mother. I hope they're aware of this. Thank you for your heartfelt hugs. I always could use them. Here's doulbe the hugs back. ((((((((((((((((Sam))))))))))))))))))) Be good to yourself, sweetie. May your days be happy!

Brett: Oh, my sweet, sweet Brett. I am sincerely wishing today is better for you. It makes me so sad to see you feeling sad again. Have you been back to the doctor yet? Have you been taking your magnesium? Is there anything I can do to help? And, of course your post is helpful! Just knowing you're out there and that you care is enough. You don't have to say something profound and insightful. Are you okay? I'm here for you. Love ya, too. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

ManApt: Hi, there, sweetheart. I'm so flattered that you visit my threads. Thank you. It's touching that you care so much and you're worried. I need someone to worry about me every now and then! That means a ton to me. Usually, I'm doing enough worrying for all involved. I'm okay, sweetie. I had a really hard time last night when my boyfriend didn't call, and I had no way to call him, as we don't have long distance. I took 3 sleeping pills (bad, I know, but not lethal) and I crashed pretty hard (well, okay, I laid in bed like a zombie for about 5 hours, lol.) Sleep has not come easily. He called this morning, and I got to hear my sweet Kelton (son) in the background. It was nice. I was actually wanting to talk to you a bit about anxiety. I'm reading a great book that explains what chemicals in our brain cause anxiety, depression, etc, and how to replenish these chemicals through diet and supplements. I was wondering if you'd be interested in this sort of thing. Would you? Maybe we could help get your anxiety under wraps before September. I'd give my left foot to help you get on that flight! I know what you mean about living for others. I already know if anything happened to my family I'd find a way to die. I wouldn't kill myself, because I've become terrified of the afterlife a suicide victim might endure, but I wouldn't hesitate to walk through a bad part of town or "forget" to eat. I haven't really figured out this "love yourself" stuff. I wish I could. I wish we both could. Thank you so much for always being here for me. "Whiney" you! Hugs. :x

missyn: Hiya. Wow, 16, 7, and 1. That's got to be tough. I respect the heck outta ya. Mine are 6 and 2, and they can drive me crazy. Even so, doesn't keep me from missing them like crazy. You're so right--it is necessary growth, and it helps to remind myself that the whole reason I agreed to stay home was so I could grow. You're also right about it being good for him and his Daddy. Because his Dad works at the office and I work from home, he (the baby) sees me all the time, and only sees Daddy after a long day of work. I just hope they don't get on so well that he forgets about his mommy! I will try to stay busy and occupy my time. Any suggestions? I have a hard time being very creative on my own. Thanks, again. Take care, and hugs.

Again, thank you to all of you. I'd be pacing the house, wringing my hands, and crying non stop if it weren't for this forum and the comfort I can continually find here. You're all very special. Never forget.

Love,
EoR
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Last edited by EoR; 05-22-2005 at 09:48 AM.

 
Old 05-22-2005, 03:11 PM   #10
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Re: This is going to be so hard...

Well I'm glad your in such a great mood. Things must be looking up. How old is your daughter? Maybe you could go get a manicure.. I'd personally prefer to do my own nails, but even so it does feel great to be pampered, and you could get your eyebrows down aswell, it doesn't take long and I'm sure your daughter could wait a few more minutes. After youtwo could go do something fun together, like mini putting or going to a movie. Maybe go out to grab a bite to eat. Spend a couple days with just you and your daughter, spoil yourselves a bit. Since you two don't get to spend much time together alone, here's your chance. There's always a good side to everything.

 
Old 05-23-2005, 09:28 AM   #11
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Re: This is going to be so hard...

Hiya, BBF. Thank you for the suggestions--we did do a lot of fun things together. I'm afraid I'm a bit too much of a Tom Boy for manicures or facials, but those are good suggestions. We went and saw "The Pacifier." It was really funny, and it was great to see Vin Diesel play a bit of a softer character. (Not to mention, it was great to see his bare chest! Yum.) I'm not so sure I'm doing great, but... I'm hanging in there. I'm a little bit sad at the moment, because my boyfriend doesn't seem to miss me an iota, and I've been pining for him and my son like crazy. He hasn't said, "I miss you," over the phone once, except when I told him, "Say it! Tell me you miss me!" Then he kinda sheepishly said, "Uh... I miss you." Hrmph. What's not to miss? I'm the bee's knees. I'm the shiznit. I'm the bomb diggity, baby! Lol, just kidding. I think my diet pills have gone to my head... or the blood hasn't. One of the two. What's really crummy is that he didn't hook up the air conditioner before he left, and t'ain't nuttin' gettin' me up on the roof. It's so crazy hot in here, and I'm stuck inside for the next 7 hours for work. Blah. Pant. I could really use a swimming pool right now. Ugh, and there's Moby, whinin "Give me Summer!" Crazy foo'.

Smoochez,
EoR
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Old 05-23-2005, 10:53 AM   #12
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brett24 HB User
Re: This is going to be so hard...

hi EoR, hey dont complain bout the heat ,soon when im backl in the uk its gonna be sooooo cold compared to here im dreading it!! im gonna miss the sun sooo much.

when i do get back im going to go to a doc and get counselling hopefully but itll take ages. im sure ur bf does miss u, guys arent always the best in saying stuff like that!!

Brett x

 
Old 05-23-2005, 11:05 AM   #13
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Re: This is going to be so hard...

Quote:
Originally Posted by brett24
hi EoR, hey dont complain bout the heat ,soon when im backl in the uk its gonna be sooooo cold compared to here im dreading it!! im gonna miss the sun sooo much.

when i do get back im going to go to a doc and get counselling hopefully but itll take ages. im sure ur bf does miss u, guys arent always the best in saying stuff like that!!

Brett x
No, no, no. Complain, complain, complain. You see, the thing about cold, you can do something about it. You can build a fire. Wear warm close. Snuggle up with something fuzzy. When it's hot, you can just strip down nekky and wait for the ice cubes in the freezer to form so that you can fill your tub and find some relief! It's soooooooooooooo hot.

When are you going back to the UK? Are you at least looking forward to it a little bit? I'm glad you'll be seeing the doc and getting some counselling. How are you doing now? Things any better? I've been thinking of you. I want you to be happy again! I miss you!

xoxoxoxoxoxo-EoR
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Old 05-23-2005, 11:23 AM   #14
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Re: This is going to be so hard...

hey, its weird, if i had a house to go back to id be looking forward to it, i just hate staying with other people i dont even know where im gonna stay, i think im off back at the start of june - middle of june, whenever i can get a flight. im looking forward to having money when i get a job,. but im scared of getting a job! cant win! i miss u too EoR!

x

 
Old 05-23-2005, 08:56 PM   #15
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Re: This is going to be so hard...

Hmmm. Can you get a job in Spain, save up some cash, and get a... what do they call it in the UK... flat? (Uh... apartment.) Maybe you won't have to live with anyone. I hadn't read your entire thread before you replied here, so I understand what you're talking about now. I'm so sorry. I hate to see things getting hard for you again. How can I help? Anything for my Brettles.

P.S. I replied to your other post here on page 1 (and everyone else, too). Don't want anyone to think I missed them. Oh, Brett. I hope things get back to being good for you. You have been such an inspiration... no, not just inspiration.. you have been such a great friend, and I want so much for you to be happy. I have come to feel almost protective of you, like a big sister, and it tears me up inside to see you sad. If there's anything I can do for you, please let me know.

Hugs, love, and good night kisses on the cheek, :x xoxoxoxoxo -EoR
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