I went to one of the docs today and started telling him of all my symptoms and how they were getting worse. He had the audacity to smile at me and patronize me saying maybe I am getting caught up in it all as if to say Iím making it all up!!!! I said wait just a minute here. I had enough for 5 years of people telling me I was a hypochondriac until half my back was crushed and now wile your treating and billing me for several months you are telling me this???!!! I said NOBODY or doctor could possibly understand what I have been through unless they got this and I feel so alone because of it. I also told him I feel like just stopping all the drugs and letting this dam thing just run itís coarse. With that he says maybe we should stop one of the current chemo's and see if the symptoms get better. That way we will know if your symptoms are from the chemo or the disease. I was upset and sad but now Iím just angry and know itís time to find someone new. I am paying big money to be abused by them???
I wish I could offer you more, but in my tired, head pounding, foggy frame of mind, I cannot give my all. I wanted to tell you that your strength is inspiring, and you are a brave, courageous, amazing person! It's people like you that keep someone like me from throwing in the towel. Thank you for being truly incredible. You really are.
Hugs & love,
~Even an Eeyore needs a hug.~ (Hug Me Eeyore)
I donít know what to say. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. Iím truly thankful. What a special gift!!! I hope your day was good today!!! You have a gift as well. This made my rough day a bit brighter.
Thank you so much for visiting my post and the beautiful words and wishes you have shared. I agree with you about strength. We give it and receive it from others. Funny you should mention a door being opened. I had once again a reoccurring dream last night that has been there on and off for years now. Let me start by saying I have studied many religions and denominations and respect and believe a lot in all of them. My preferences still remain to myself. Anyway, in the dream I see an image of Christ knocking at the door of a cottage. It is also a fairly popular picture seen in many book shops. In the dream I ask what it is and the figure asks ďwho knocks at my hearts door?Ē Years later I found it listed in Revelation 3:20
I hope this story doesnít upset or offend anyone but I thought I would share it.
I'm back, and I missed you. The image you're talking about happens to occupy an entire stained glass window in our church. The knocking at the heart...
I'm sorry I wasn't here to support you after your visit to the doctor. So did you stop the chemo?
I'm still very scattered from the lack of sleep and excess of traveling, but wanted to check in with you, even if briefly. Life is a strange thing. My trip would have been much more difficult if I haven't met you just days before.
I missed you too. How is everything with your poor sweet friend? I hope your trip was not too difficult or stressful. I am so glad I was able to help you with that as you mentioned however I managed to do that?
I tell you it never ceases to amaze me how often things as you mention like the beautiful stained glass image in your church too. I sometimes get goose bumps from it all. As they say, ďseek and you shall findĒ Lets keep our eyes wide open. I canít believe it but every day no matter how bad or difficult it can be, God gives gifts to me with a message or touches me with warm heart filled people as a reminder that we are loved. As many of you see or have come to know me. I have found and wear some rose colored glasses. Right or wrong it feels better. It feels real and is.
Dear Angel, Thank you for your unselfish concerns for my medical condition as well. I have decided to disobey the doctor and continue the chemo for now wile seeking a new doctor. Iím not too sure how easy it will be to find another doc to treat me. Problem is that anyone who will even want to take me on will have to consult one of the few same specialists in the country. I feel a bit vulnerable and could easily get a bit paranoid knowing that. Currently I am waiting to here from one of the potential new docs I dropped my files off at Friday. I know it will all work out somehow. I too am on some type of trip now with my life and it would be much more difficult if I hadnít met you either.
Your happiness upon my return brings tears to my eyes... It's pathetic, I know... I feel so lonely--it's all depression, of course, but there is magic in having such an enthusiastic welcome from you.
Uncertainty is often harder to stomach than bad news, isn't it? Yet deep down you and I both believe everything will work out for you. The biggest problem is not your doctor's incompetence, is it? It's his outrageous attitude and callousness, too. I couldn't believe he actually smiled at your suffering!
My trip was difficult. I had to witness my friend struggling constantly, as she has been for 4 years now. My empathy level is so high that I had to strain to be of help instead of getting sick right along with her, poor sweet girl. I held up during the day, but couldn't sleep much. Now that I got back, I fear slipping right back into the overwhelming sadness that seems to have made a point to drown me. I'm already crying and struggling to carry on. John, my dear, I desperately need someone to hold on to, and angels have sent you to me (as, it appears, to many other people). I don't forget for a minute that you are in pain, and your worries and anxieties are not lost on me--but neither are your words of warmth and wisdom, and your perseverance in finding the light in every turn life serves us.
We are really so close, closer than we know--in the same state, the same metropolitan area. Real hugs are actually within our reach, if it were not against the rules. And I wish you could wipe away my tears and my hands could make your pain recede. This beautiful light that's coming from you reaches me through your words.
Sorry for being so soppy--too many tears have accumulated in the few days I had not the luxury of weeping. I'll pull myself together.
Hugs and love,
P.S. When am I going to graduate from 'new' friend? Hm, not sure if I'm ready to be called 'old' though.
You are far from pathetic. I was excited and still am that your back. Iím so sorry that youíre so sad right now. I have told you once before that you too feel so much more than most and that can make you and some of us more special.
As far as my doctor. He is one of those people in this world who is considered normal today. The smile and his arrogant self centered I, Me My attitude. He believes wile I help pay for his many vacations every month and Mercedes # 3 in the garage that he is so much better than me who looks to him for help. Sorry but I still have a lot of trouble with these type of normal people. Not because of what they have but for what they can be sometimes. Believe me I relate and like people who are more humbled by misfortunes better. All these things help to affirm religion in action. I read once somewhere an important note about the birth of Christ. When he was born on the first Christmas only two types of people were there to see it. The wise men and the shepherds. The learned and the ignorant. Those who knew they didnít know anything and those who were wise enough to know they didnít know everything. Everyone else was looking but could not find him. Why? Everyone else was too proud and arrogant too stoop down and go into a stable cave to find him. Divinity is always found in a place were one least expects to find it. I also believe that it is found in some people that way as well.
I can relate to how bad and hopeless you feel for your friend. I have felt that hopeless way so many times in my life. I went one step further and wished that or preferred myself having the illness to watching those you love from having it. With that I say be careful what you wish for. Yes I still would rather see me with it than others I love but am now facing the same monster that took and made my mom suffer for years. I still accept it fully. I do expect to still be here for years to come. This thing, though aggressive is controllable because unlike mom we now know the enemy. Thatís why I cannot accept any doctors that canít take my treatments seriously. I donít want you to be upset for me. I will be O.K. I am also here for you and others here to the best of my capacity. Others including you all share with me and give me light too.
Angel, Donít sell yourself too short. You may not feel it now but God has a very important plan for you. I can feel it!!!
I have to go for now artist formally known as "new friend". LOL!!!
I'm feeling better--finally got a bit of rest, and things are winding down for the night... (meaning, I'll have a bit of time to myself) My sick friend and her mom are into crocheting at the times of calm in between the storms, so, after watching those two going at it, I got this odd urge to crochet, too. I haven't done it in a long time, mainly because it's so time-consuming, but now I've decided to give it a try when I'm watching TV--perhaps it will help me to settle down and be more peaceful again. (if it doesn't cramp up my wrists, lol) Besides, it would be nice to produce a beautiful piece of... I don't know... home decor--a doily or something small and delicate like that. Sure beats upping my Lexapro--something I'm afraid I may have to do.
By the way, I meant to ask you about your meds--are you on any antidepressants? I imagine taking drugs, in your particular case, is a tricky thing--you've already mentioned you can't take pain killers ... Are ADs an option for you?
I completely agree with you about the faulty sense of self-satisfaction due to financial success. It pains me to think that doctors like yours are smug even though they essentially make their fortune upon the suffering of others. It's even more sad than the snobs who get wealthy in impersonal business. In fact, I have nothing against wealthy people per se; I have little respect for the air of superiority, whether it stems from wealth or any other achievement. Such people don't anger but rather amuse me--not, however, when I have to depend on them for something. It's more fun to watch from the distance--meaning when they are showing off but hold no real power over me! In so many cases, and yours is one of them, the snob is spreading his peacock tail before the really special human being... And I don't want this special person to be hurt. You know your worth, and the worth of god's creatures isn't calculated in numbers of fancy vacations and Mercedeces (I don't even know how to spell it!). You are so right about the ability to see the divine. Arrogance is blind.
Er, what was that 'bout 'artist'? You haven't seen my attempt at drawing a squirrel for my daughter a few months ago! After that, my artistic services were no longer requested.
I used to crochet when I was a little kid. My grandmother taught me. I never did much with it except drive my mom nuts steeling all her yarn. Mom also did all those tiny doilies for a wile out of white string and tiny hooks. Anyway I made a few of those same weaved strips and never seemed to go any further back then. I called them bookmarkers. LOL!!! Hey, maybe itís a sign that theirs a new book out there that was meant for you to read???