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Old 08-25-2005, 09:05 AM   #1
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I could use some kind words....

My ex-fiance is getting married tomorrow night -- to someone else.

I am so overwhelmed with sadness today that I'm sitting here at work with tears running down my face as I type this.

I've been trying to deal with this for several weeks now and I thought I was doing ok, but I'm not.

To give a little background, it was probably 10 years ago when he and I first go together. He had his good and bad points. Most people who know me will say that he was not the right guy for me. Some people would physically try to stop me if I did try to marry him. I think I knew that then, or I would not have broken up with him. We were together 3+ years, and had many years after that alternated between being close and not speaking at all. I was there when his mother was terrible ill. I was there when his sister died.

3 years ago I had a very traumatic experience, and he was there for me briefly, then he cruelly left me in the lurch friend-wise, because.... well that's another long story.

The other part of my story you may have read on these threads. I spent 10 months tapering off all my ADs, and I have been off them for over 11 months now. About a month ago, I started feeling like I did 10 years ago -- like I was that person and the last 10 years have been a hazy bad dream. Like 10 years ago, to me, feels like now. All the emotions and feelings I had then, I feel now..... I don't know if this makes any sense. It is as though I have been drugged for 10 years and now I am coming out of it and wondering where my life went.

So I think that is why this hurts so much time, emotionally, I back where I was 10 years ago, but my ex-fiance has moved on and is getting married tomorrow.

Does this sound insane to you guys?

I am just so sad.... I want to go stop him and tell him how I feel, and what the drugs did to me, but I can't. He wouldn't understand, and I can't tell how real any of these feelings are right now anyway.....

I'm just so very sad.

Last edited by SOE; 08-25-2005 at 09:12 AM.

 
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Old 08-25-2005, 09:37 AM   #2
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Re: I could use some kind words....

(((((((((((((sickofeffexor)))))))))))))) ) You make perfect sense and you don't sounds insane at all. It was nice to read more of your story and know you a bit better. I'm sorry to hear of your sadness. I understand the pining for an ex. Have you thought about entering a new relationship? I don't want that to sound insensitive, but sometimes, it's the best way to ease the pain of a break-up, especially if the new person turns out to be so much better for you than the last--which has often been my experience, and it sounds to me that you had plenty of hardships with your ex. That there were people who would've physically intervened to prevent the two of you from marriage--that speaks volumes. What is it about him you're missing, in particular? I've heard of something before about how when two people in love separate, that it sometimes happens that one person can't remember anything good about the other person. It can also be the other way--that they can't remember anything bad. He sounds like he was incrediby heartless to adbandon you during a traumatic period in your life, but without knowing that whole story, I don't want to be too harsh. I guess what I'm getting at, is that maybe these things happen to us because there's something better in the works. That probably sounds cliche, but I've found it to be true in my experience. I hope this will happen for you, too. Sorry for the redundancy. I guess I'm at a loss, but I still want to try to help. Maybe you could take the rest of the day off so you can sort your feelings out at home and in peace.

I'm sincerely sorry for your suffering, and if you need to talk more, I'll be around.

Take care, sweetie --

EoR
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Old 08-25-2005, 10:21 AM   #3
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Re: I could use some kind words....



Smile
Though your heart is aching
Smile
Even though it's breaking
When
There are clouds
In the sky,
You'll get by
If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile
And maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun
Come shining through
For you

Light up your face
With gladness
Hide every trace
Of sadness
Although a tear
May be ever so near
That's the time
You must keep on trying
Smile,
What's the use of crying?
You'll find that life
Is still worth-while
If you just smile

smile I love you!!
cathy

 
Old 08-25-2005, 11:00 AM   #4
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Re: I could use some kind words....

I'm sitting here in work with tears running down my face reading your post. I can only imagine what pain you're in, and I shudder to think of how badly I would cope. Yay you for even being able to be in work.

I'm off my meds too.....feel like I'm regressing, but it's early days for me.

What you're feeling is TOTALLY ok and valid. You don't spend 3 years loving somebody and let go because everybody says you have to. If you can just switch off feelings then they're not sincere.

The horrible thing is there's really nothing you can do, except feel the pain and lean on people you can trust for support.

I feel upset and angry on your behalf.


xxxx

 
Old 08-25-2005, 11:11 AM   #5
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Re: I could use some kind words....

Hi Sickofeffexor
I am so sorry you are feeling so sad. I wish I could be there to wrap my arms around you and comfort you. You are entitled to have those feelings, of a relationship that you had hoped would be for you. I hope you can see past the hurt and see that some things are not meant to be. When we are in the middle of all of the pain, it's hard to see beyond that pain. You deserve to be happy and to be treated with respect. I don't have the words of wisdom that you always do, but know that my heart goes out to you. I hope and pray that you will have someone that will be much better to you and much better for you.

I think you are an amazing person to have weaned off of your meds and still continued to work. That is an amazing feat in itself. I don't know what traumas you have gone through but you did deserve for the person that you loved to be with you and support you.

Please take extra special care of yourself and know that you need this time to grieve a loss. It's normal and allow yourself that time. Be gentle with yourself and let us know if you need anything. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Much love and many heartlfelt healing hugs,
Sam

 
Old 08-25-2005, 08:07 PM   #6
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Re: I could use some kind words....

Eor, Cathy, Gwenatron, and Samantha, thank you so much for your compassion and support!

I think tomorrow may be the hardest day for me. I feel haunted by this sadness. Like it's a past dream or hope that is being taken away and will be gone forever. He told me once that I would never find anyone who would love me as much as he loved me. Those words are ringing in my head and haunting me.

I'm so afraid that he was right. What if he is right? What if no one will ever really love me?

I really am afraid that no one is going to love me again.

Here I sit, with the tears streaming down my face. I'm just sobbing like a baby. This sadness feels so overwhelming.

I hate feeling like this.

 
Old 08-25-2005, 08:20 PM   #7
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Re: I could use some kind words....

I agree with Sam. Take good care of yourself. You can't undo the past, but you can make the most of the future. I'm so glad you had the strength to get off your meds. My hat is off to you!! I am also glad you are coming out of the fog and feeling yourself again. Even though it is a sad time for you, at least you are able to feel something. That means you are well on your way to a better life. You will also find a new love, have a fresh start, and keep your fond memories of your ex, while making new memories you can cherish with your new loved one.

You're a strong person and life is getting better. I admire you.

Give yourself some time like Sam said and be gentle with yourself. You know she always has the right words to say. Ha! How does that woman do it?

Your next relationship will be even better as you go into it with eyes wide open and alert, in better health. Sometimes your friends can see things that we can't. Maybe your friends saved you a lot of heartache.

Much love,

Jecca1

 
Old 08-25-2005, 08:30 PM   #8
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Re: I could use some kind words....

Hi Sickofeffexor
I don't think your ex finance would have been good for you. I know you are grieving a loss and I don't want to minimize those feelings. It's hard to go through but necessary just the same. Get all of it out, the hurt, the anger, the lonliness and the pain.

You have always been here for me and you always have the right words to say and even the way you say them are always just what needs to be said. You are a special person and you do not deserve to settle for nothing but the best. I can't help but bellieve that there is someone out there for you, it's not the right timing yet. I believe that when you and that person are ready, you will meet.

I am so sorry that you are hurting. I know it must be so painful. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and hugs,
Sam

 
Old 08-25-2005, 08:30 PM   #9
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Re: I could use some kind words....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jecca1
I agree with Sam. Take good care of yourself. You can't undo the past, but you can make the most of the future. I'm so glad you had the strength to get off your meds. My hat is off to you!! I am also glad you are coming out of the fog and feeling yourself again. Even though it is a sad time for you, at least you are able to feel something. That means you are well on your way to a better life. You will also find a new love, have a fresh start, and keep your fond memories of your ex, while making new memories you can cherish with your new loved one.

You're a strong person and life is getting better. I admire you.

Give yourself some time like Sam said and be gentle with yourself. You know she always has the right words to say. Ha! How does that woman do it?

Your next relationship will be even better as you go into it with eyes wide open and alert, in better health. Sometimes your friends can see things that we can't. Maybe your friends saved you a lot of heartache.

Much love,

Jecca1
Thank you Jecca, I know you are writing to me, but as I read it, it sounds like you must be talking about someone else. I have come through a lot, but I don't feel strong. I feel like a failure. I'm tired of everything being so hard. And never seeming to get what I want.

I had thought that by now I would have been married for a long time, with children.... but my life is nothing like that and it is too late for children -- another dream that breaks my heart.

Thank you for trying. I think it helps to hear positive things, even though I don't believe it right now.

 
Old 08-25-2005, 08:45 PM   #10
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Re: I could use some kind words....

((((((((((SOE)))))))))))

We are here for you sweetie! The depression is lying to you...don't listen to those lies! You will get through this and you will be glad you did. There is something spectacular waiting for you dear.

Hugs and love,
Sam

 
Old 08-25-2005, 08:47 PM   #11
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Re: I could use some kind words....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Samantha317
You are a special person and you do not deserve to settle for nothing but the best. I can't help but bellieve that there is someone out there for you, it's not the right timing yet. I believe that when you and that person are ready, you will meet.

I am so sorry that you are hurting. I know it must be so painful. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you Sam, may your words be true... I desperately need your prayers and I thank you for them, especially through tomorrow. I'm scared at what my emotions will bring me on the day of his wedding. I've been dreading it for weeks, but now the sorrow is so great....

 
Old 08-25-2005, 08:49 PM   #12
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Re: I could use some kind words....

Give it time. The sun will shine again. You are stronger than you think.

You are certainly no failure. You have been an inspiration to lots of folks here.

If you want to have children, there are many to adopt. It's not exactly like having your own, but if the love is there, you can make it work.

I haven't adopted, but I have taken care of so many foster children that I can't count them. Some were precious, some were hurting, some were mischievious. Some hurt my feelings. Some had real deep issues. I loved them all. In the world we live in, there are many children that need a home, either foster or adoptive, and agencies would love for you to adopt. This opens a space for another unfortunate child to be placed in.

We can make a difference, starting with one small life. That one small life can make a difference in ours.

Give yourself some time and pampering, or I'll sik Sam on you. ha!

 
Old 08-25-2005, 08:55 PM   #13
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Re: I could use some kind words....

Thank you Jecca, I so appreciate that you are taking the time to comfort me.

I'm going to go to bed now, I am tired, and so afraid of tomorrow....

Thank you for being here for me.

 
Old 08-25-2005, 09:59 PM   #14
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Re: I could use some kind words....

SOE,

What is all this??? You say he said, “You would never find anyone who would love me as much as he loved you.” Nice Guy and such a warm going away present he left you!!! He lied!!! Would you have the audacity to say that even to a stranger here??? Thanks for the boost of confidence with a side order of insecurity. No dreams have been broken. He was not the right one!!! Count your blessings dear friend! Yes like Sam say’s your grieving a loss. Sweetheart how many stories have you seen here that are worse? I know you have because you are here to help so many in so many special ways. Your pain is understandable for now but you see the old saying always comes up. One door closes and another one opens. You may have been delivered a blessing here. An unanswered prayer even for your future children too. Do you see the way many woman and their children suffer in unhealthy unwanted abusive marriages? You may never know just how bad that one could have been for you dear friend. I believe someone out there is watching out for you. They see your heart and it’s purity. You might just deserve someone better than one who tells you something as abusive as that. We all love you!!! Does that count for something? Not for what you look like or what you were. Not the money you have or the things you do. We all post to you because we love your heart. Your compassion. Would he do this for others here? And if we can love you for that with nothing in return why would you believe and want to marry this liar??? You will find the right person or they will find you. I feel it in my soul. You my dear must first close this chapter on this book before you can move forward. I do understand. Many of us have been thru this same thing. I will pray for you like crazy both tonight and thru parts of the day tomorrow. We need you strong and healthy again. Strong and encouraging for many here as you always are. YOU ARE LOVEABLE!!!

I hope I have helped you half of what you have for others.

God Bless you through this difficult time.

John

Last edited by Johnster; 08-25-2005 at 10:07 PM.

 
Old 08-25-2005, 11:11 PM   #15
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s1980 HB User
Re: I could use some kind words....

hi there,
sounds like tough times, hope better times are on the way. Maybe this story of mine may help a little, I don't know but bear with me.

I believe that sometimes we can get fixated on one person, I know that I have experienced this, I don't know if it is the same for you.
I had a relationship with somebody who was obviously not the right person for me but my feelings towards him were so intense that still now to this day I can't believe it. He was an egotistical person, vain and very selfabsorbed, he believed (and probably still believes) that he is better than other people, he is somebody special or destined to greatness in someway. I believe in none of those things, I never felt those things for myself or admired them in others. But still I overlooked all of this. I just felt an intense (love?) fascination and awe for him and I could never really understand why, it was more like an intense attraction and worship.

He hurt me in many many ways. Of course he did. In the end I had to cut myself off from him completely, that was a very very hard thing to do. I never phoned again, I was friendly with his family, I cut them off, on recieving phone calls from him (I suppose he continued contact with me as an ego boost) I would be civil but unrevealing, perhaps cold, certainly brief, then I stopped taking them. I made sure I heard no news of him.

It felt like a hole in my life for a long time, I even had dreams of him at night, still sometimes do, but I was resolved to cut him out of my life as he had caused so much misery over such a long time.
I needed to move on.
It's been years since then, I built a whole new life. I tried to look at it like a blank canvas. There were many tears behind closed doors but in the end it has been totally worth it. I found a loving partner - there are no egos here - there is just love for us. I am very very happy.

I still think about the other man sometimes but I am at the point where I can say that if I saw him today, I would wish him well. I wouldn't want anything to do with him anymore but I feel I could wish him well.
Over time maybe you can get to this point too. I know right now it is all pain, but one day it wont be anymore. That I can promise.

All the best

 
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