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Old 09-15-2005, 07:29 AM   #1
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Monster

Andrea kind of inspired me to tell this story.....

May of last year I was at the end. I was openly plotting my suicide. I told everyone except my family. I know why my doctors and therapist are so afraid to prescribe anything to me. There were actual moments when I felt this great swell of joy. Because I had a way out. I didnt have to suffer anymore. I taunted my demons. I told them, they can stay here, cos im going to sleep forever. Where there is no pain, no depression and no fear and anxiety attacks. But part of me was stricken with the fear of a hell, or a place I would go that would be even worse because of the decision I would make. I asked myself, what would keep me alive. What in this world would keep me from finally doing this. Well, Im always going to be ugly. I cant change that. So To me, it would be the very reason why I want to die. My incredibly unbreakable envy. The torture of being alone. Having no one to love. No dreams of a family. Coming home from work to a empty house. Cant walk in public because I was a panic attack waiting to happen. I hated anyone beautiful. I hated seeing couples frockling around, so loving, so lucky. I couldnt go to school and listen to all the flirting. See couples kissing, sitting together, having the time of their lives. Just seems like everything I envied was amplified in my mind. I couldnt ignore it or avoid it. The only thing that would keep me alive was love, or at least the oppurtunity of love. I could not accept to live lonely and loveless in this pathetic state just simply because I was born unattractive and physically repulsive. If the way i look alters the quality of my life this much then what reason is there for me to live, if I cant experience the fruits of life.

I came across a website. One of those mail order bride type of sites. My thinking was, if there is a poor little farm girl in a thrid world country willing to marry 60 year old men, then Im sure Id have a chance. Though she would have a incentive, she would genuinely love me right? Me and Rose met purely by chance. She had no desire to marry anyone foreign. She did not put her profile online, one of her friends did it as a joke. She had no intentions of ever being in this position we are in now. I met her at the right time, and at the absolute wrong time. It was the right time because she saved my life. She showed me another world, and took me away from the narrorw minded views I had in life. She touched me. She did not give me hope, she gave me something better. She gave me everything I ever hoped for. She shook me up inside and made me appreciate my life even as it is. I treated her like a pond of water in the middle of a desert. I recklessly ran toward her and made a million promises i could never keep. It was all out of desperation. Because I felt like a prisoner running out in the open. Im not looking back, I was finally free. But I should have planned and anticipated other aspects. Like...immigrantion. Like, im not very well off. Like, im very ill. I think my illness and my desperation and thirst for love led me to tell her that I loved her only 3 days after we met. And proposed to her 2 months afterwards. If this was love, then I was completely intoxicated. I never felt it before and I was hellbent on keeping it. I didnt think of anything else. So drunk, so intoxicated that I was oblivious to the fact that i wasnt going to be able to board a plane last november to see her. Every single week from May i saved half of what I earned. I took a 2nd job. I scrubbed toilets, mopped floors, scrubbed car rims, and I was happy. I went to the movies to watch romantic comedies. I sat next to couples. I chased after planes in the sky. I smiled. I spread my arms out and ran around like a little kid flying in the sky. Imagine winning the lottery after being in poverty all your life. I experienced that feeling for 5 months. I put a coin into a slot machine and I won the most beautiful prize int he world. The love of a woman.

Then reality set in. I started reading about immigration and the slim possibilities we had. I started thinking about the other variables, the 30 hour flights, the amount of money, the things I was too intoxicated to think about before. I fell off cloud nine and crashed back to hell in November, when I had th emost massive panic attack of my life. Spent a entire day choking on my own saliva. Gasping, dizzy. Nauseated. Vomiting. My body felt like it was spasming. Shaking, violently. Ive been through alot of pain before. Ive been beaten bloodied to the point of unrecongnition. I had my leg broken. Ive passed out from low blood sugar. Ive been in car accidents. Burned, stabbed, stomach viruses, pnemonia, flu, surgeries, etc, etc, etc. I never experienced the pain and agony like I did on that day. Never. Ever. Nothing could even come close to that. And I ran from it. I read on the anxiety board people describing panic and anxiety attacks and I have a hard time relating because I cant really describe what I go through when I have one. I have them frequently. And usually I can manage and make it to the next day just from crying, sleeping, and eating. But last year, that was different. I always describe it as like a violent assault, because thats what it felt like. Ive had worse beatings, yet no one ever touched me. And the exact second I told myself I couldnt do it, it ended. Just like that. If I even thought about reconsidering it would just quake inside me and erased any will power I had left. Thats why I always characterize it as being a monster. A monster symbolizes everything you fear.

I feel it again. It just gets worse and worse everyday. I close my eyes and I talk to myself. "Not now. Not again. For crying out loud. I just dont understand. This has to be the most ridiculous, dumbest, irrational illnesses ever. And i have no control over it. About as much control over it as a mentally challenged person has over their mind. Ive looked at pictures of the brain. It just seems like a big glob of meat. But its, virtually everything. I guess I can in some way understand, that even the slightest of injuries can alter a plethora of human traits and characteristics. Just like war vets that suffer from post war trauma. Some peoples lives are destroyed or altered just by one traumatic event. I dont know personally if I was born this way or if it was the traumatic and appaulling childhood I had. As far back as I could remember I was always afraid.

I never talked about this, but one of the things that haunt me about hurting her last year was the fact that i could ruin her life by prolonging this any further than it has already gone. Last year when I texted her phone and told her i couldnt come to see her, she wanted to commit suicide. She told me she went to a store and bought poison and mixed it with alpine milk. But before she did I texted her to come online and talk to me. When she told me, I spent hours telling her in every single way i could, religiously, rationally, using her family, using God, and everything I could throw at her to tell her to reconsider. She told me she didnt care if she went to hell. She said the most touching thing. She said she fell too deep. She just couldnt go back to the way life was before me. And i felt the exact same way, I free fell into her heart and i couldnt imagine life without her. I just had the greatest, happiest 5 months of my life, how could I go back to that black hole. I couldnt explain to her why i couldnt come. But i told her, I would try again. And I think that was the only thing I could have said to her, to keep her alive for that moment. Maybe after she calmed down after a few weeks then i could end it. But I must have too the monster for granted, cos I wanted to take him on again. So i rebooked for janurary, twice, and I failed again miserably. Then valentines day came. The only valentines day I ever had with someone in my life. She called me that morning and sang a song to me. She always tells me she has a monotone voice, but she sings so beautifully. I had tears running down my face. My heart started beating again. I got that false sense of hope. That intoxic feeling kicked in again. I rebooked for March. It only took a week later for me to cancell. I spent the enitre summer thinking about what I needed to get on that plane. My mother is coming with me so I dont have to go alone. Shorter flight. Less days. Dont want to land in LA. Dont want to fly over hawaii. far too beautiful. Those are where the beautiful Gods live, I am only a insect flying around their parts. Dont think about the immigration. Dont put pressure on yourself. Dont even take the immigration papers. Just go meet her, have fun, send them to her by mail later. Talk to her about my condition. le her know I may need her to leave at certain moments. I may need to be alone but i will spend alot of time with her. take a wireless notebook so i can listen to all my favorite radio shows via internet. Talk to my internet friends. browse, kill time, play video games. hey thats all I do at home lol. Should be no problem. I go through the process of eliminating every little small detail of fear or discomfort I would have, except of course for my weight, which sadly got worse. And none of it seems to work. The monster is still there.

continued...

Last edited by Man Apart; 09-15-2005 at 07:30 AM.

 
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Old 09-15-2005, 07:30 AM   #2
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Re: Monster

I feel all this pressure, that if I dont go, she will hurt herself, and probably so will I. Thats what im facing. Cant sleep anymore. I binge on food just to drown my feelings, so im not surprised I gained 40lbs in the last 2 1/2 months. Im worried about her. But I think that maybe she was able to lower her hopes and expectations. And that she learn better not to think of hurting herself. But if I go there, then all of her hopes will be as high as ever, and she will have a feeling of a man she loves and feels she cant live without. Oh by the way, so will I. I cant detox the feelign she will give me. The tragedy is even if i go, it would be a great accomplishment to me personally. But maybe so will not going. Cos in reality, we can never live on the same land together. She cant live her, I cant really live there. I dont know, I just dont want her to hurt, but either way we are both heading towards a collision course of heartbreak and suffering. I dont really think its anything I can do. I have to remind myself that whatever happens, It happened for a reason. It was not either of our faults. Reality and fate decides everything.


Ahhh, I have to keep reminding myself no one cares........ Please dont worry about me or anything that has to do with me. Live your lives. Be happy where you stand. Do what your do in your part of the world. But, thank you for trying. Im forever grateful. Hope has never really found itself to me truly. Only in the mirage you see in the sand. I feel like im dying now to be honest. Im nearing 300lbs again, and I will have to start taking heart medication for the first time in my life. I feel like Im laying on my death bed, smiling at each of you, letting you know its ok, wiping away your tears. Its ok. Its ok. =) Its ok. Dont worry about the sad man. I love you all. :')

I will be ok though. I cant promise that, but it just sounds good to say. Onething I can truly say about myself is I am a survivor. Ive never failed in finding ways to survive.

All i ever wanted was love. it was my only intent. Ill never regret those 5 months of bliss. At the gate of Heaven, God can say alot of bad things about me that I couldnt defend. But if he asked me why I should be allowed into heaven, i would just say, simply because i spent my life searching for the love you spoke of. I spent my life searching for you.

I guess all my life Ive been trying to kill the monster. I really have. I just didnt realize, I am the monster.


Oh we are what we are when in danger
And we are as we stand head in hands.
When a friend brings to light on a cold silver night
You can stare your fate right into his hand.
To his hand.

Oh we are what we are when the lanturn?
Be the soul on in gardens of land.
And theres always advice on a cold winters night
Like your dreams are just an island in the sands.
Way out in the sand.

Last edited by Man Apart; 09-15-2005 at 09:27 AM.

 
Old 09-15-2005, 08:26 AM   #3
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s1980 HB User
Re: Monster

Hi there,
So sorry that you couldn't get to be with your Rose. It sounds like you tried so hard to come to terms with the monster within you to fight for your love, it is a tragedy at the end that you didn't get to be together. I wish we could all get our 'walking off into the sunset' moment, I wish every person who dared to love got the love that they sought, I wish that all the lovely people here at the boards could come and sit with you a while so that you are not alone.

I hope you can hold on to your memories of Rose, I hope they don't cause you too much pain, somebody loved you, their love lifted up your heart, they made you want to be a better person and you really did try so hard to be that better person. I am sure she will hold onto her memories of you too, she will see how hard you tried to fight the monster inside, she will see that if you could have you would have done everything for her, she will remember all the happy times, they will make her smile, they will cheer her up, they will always be there.

Keep surviving. Love granted you the best times of your life but now that those times are gone don't give up, for if life granted you love, who knows what else it may grant you. I have learned that you can't second guess the future, whatever you may believe life has instore for you, life can always throw in a few surprises.

all the best

 
Old 09-15-2005, 10:21 AM   #4
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Re: Monster

((((((((((((((Rod)))))))))))))))

Sweetest Rod,

You're the courageous one, my dear friend.

A very amazing and intellegent man told me once that the only way we can control our monsters is to face them, and that when we run from them, they always catch up. I know you will go next month. I feel it. You say Rose doesn't get mental illness, but it sure sounds like she's very much in the same boat as you are. She's living for you. She holds on to you. She doesn't want to live a life without you. She thinks of hurting herself. She's been suicidal. She thinks she's ugly. Sweetie, I don't think she's as much of a stranger to depression and anxiety as you think she is. She sounds very much... well, like we do. She should be able to identify with your fears. Would she be so taken aback if you told her about your anxiety and depression? Would she reject the idea that you're afraid to come see her because you love her too much? What would she say if you were to tell her everything you've told us? I still think there has to be some kind of way. It's like she's a hostage in her own country. I will still try to help you gather information on that. You deserve your love. You deserve many, many things, but I know Rose is the one that will make you happiest. You're better armed for this, this time. You will have your mother for moral support. You have better anxiety medications. You have some time to look up resources. I believe in you.

And what do you mean that no one cares? Rod, sweetie, you have people that come to this board for one reason--you. Not only do people care, but some people care about you exclusively. People dream about you. People think about you all day. People love and admire you, and people stay up all night thinking of ways to help you. You're the one that can write one post, and instantaneously, people flock to you and want to throw everything that THEY have at YOU. And we're real, and the love is real. The feelings are real. The want for you is real. The caring is real. The compassion is real. It's that same monster that tells you you're ugly and gives you panick attack that is whispering in your ear that nobody cares. There's no way I'm going to let you slip away quietly to a deathbed. Let us wipe away your tears, too. Just because we all have our own monsters in our closets and under our beds, doesn't mean that when we turn our attention to your monsters, that you're just looking a mirage of empathy and love that will fade as the sunsets. I don't think so. We're in this with you for the long haul, for better or for worse. We're in it with you until you ride off into the sunset. We're tagging along right up until your happy ending.

My post... my visit to my past pain, I had to do that. It was awful. It was scary. At the end of yesterday, I felt like I'd been run over my a semi. I was weak. I was tired. I felt sick. I could barely walk. It was like I had gone through the rape again... and again... and again. I can't go back and re-read my posts. I refuse to. But I had to write that, because I knew before I could sincerely help other people who had been put into that position, I had to forgive myself, and I had to start believing all the things to be true for me that I would tell somebody else in the same situation. How can I say, "I'm filth, I'm dirty, it's my fault," and turn around and tell another rape victim "You didn't deserve that. It wasn't your fault. You have nothing to be a ashamed of." All of us are guilty of telling (and believing) things for other people that we would never believe for ourselves. We are all much more interested in wiping away other's tears while our own make oceans at our feet. Why is it so easy to believe that a happy ending is meant for everyone but us? How can we advise others to forgive their past and let go of their demons while we so tenaciously cling to our own? If you weren't you, and you came here and read a post by Man Apart, what would you tell him? Would you even dream of telling him the things you tell yourself? I doubt it. I know your heart is enormous and full of love for Rose and those you care for, but why haven't you made the room for loving Rod? I think Rod deserves it the most.

You've already pretty much decided that Rose can't live in the U.S., so if you go, you can't spend your life together on American soil. If you don't go, you can't spend your life together on American soil. The long term outcome is the same either way. BUT, if you do go, the rest of your life won't be filled with regrets and what ifs. You will come "home" and your relationship with Rose will resume, and you can continue to search for ways for a future together. You can plan other trips. You will have fulfilled promises and dreams. Even if the physical element may lack, you will STILL have eachother. If you don't go... Who knows what Rose may do. Who knows what you may do. Who knows what will become of your relationship. You will be overwhelmed with guilt and disappointment. The thing is, Rod, both of you ALREADY know that you can't live without eachother--being with Rose isn't going to make that anymore of a reality for either of you, and so long as you can talk to her on the phone, or see her sweet face on the computer, or hold her in your dreams--you still have her. Things could change. Immigration laws could change. Your feelings about living in the Phillipines could change. Maybe that's exactly the way you can get your mother away from your father and get out of a city that's choking you. Maybe there's a reason that you woke up one day with the realization that Rose IS home. Go with your instincts. I believe that there's a happy ending for you. Yes, YOU. Things happen for a reason. You found a Rose, and that Rose loves you. I don't think this is Gods way of dangling something in front of you to taunt you for the rest of your life. Maybe this is His way of apologizing for your past suffering. Accept his apology. Go to your Rose.

I care, Rod, whether you wish to believe it or not. I love you.

Andrea
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~Even an Eeyore needs a hug.~ (Hug Me Eeyore)

 
Old 09-15-2005, 10:51 AM   #5
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Re: Monster

Hi Rod
I have to agree with Andrea! I don't have anything to add right now.

Love you,
Sam

 
Old 09-15-2005, 01:35 PM   #6
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Re: Monster

Hi

I read other posts before I had enough courage to post myself. During that time I read some of your replies to others. I thought you must be a very special person as you were so very supportive and caring.

I am so sorry that you are hurting so much right now. You are not a Monster. Please don't think of yourself that way. I'm not very good with getting my feelings out or putting them into words, so whatever I do say is still inadequate. I hope you will consider me to be a new friend. I care and so do so many others.

Be good to yourself, you deserve it.
Marcia

 
Old 09-15-2005, 05:19 PM   #7
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Re: Monster

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Rod )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
My god, EoR has done such an excellent job here... Makes me even sorrier for all EoR's long posts the board has swallowed... Rod, you have such amazing friends. I'm so sorry, as I always tell you and others, I wish I could fix those terrible injusticies, pain, unfair suffering. I will stand by you, my brother, no matter what. I don't have the answers. My wisdom is miniscule in comparison to my ignorance. But I know two things. In some grand design, it all makes sense. And, the best I can do, is stand by you and be what you need m to be, on any given day, in any given moment. If you want me to encourage you to go on that trip, I'll do that. If you want me to help you piece your life together anew and take this trip off the board, I'll do that. I won't presume to tell you what is best--to go or to stay. We all have our opinions on the matter, and you do, too, but only you know what the monster is up to... But IT IS SEPARATE from Rod... You said you feel shattered, and I wondered if anyone, even the most simple-minded person, feels whole... We all are fragments of memories, desires, dreams, thoughts, and forgotten experiences that still live on in our subconscious... To some extent, we all wake up different from what we were the night before... I find myself thinking before an important meeting or visit or even going to see a film: I will not be the same person in 2 hours... I will be someone who had that talk, or had that interraction, or learned something new... I often envy that person I'll become so soon--because I'm anxious of the experience that awaits me and rather jump over to the other side of it and have it become a memory already. I'm not saying you aren't unique in your anxiety and feelings of fragmentation, Rod. You are very unique in the nature of your experiences, and in their intensity. But, because you are ill, you exaggerate the finality of it all, the hopelessness, the pessimistic inevitability... I know you have intelligence that would vie with so many out there, and ability to reason so well. You know better than anyone how illogical, irrational that monster is. I admire your courage in fighting it, in living with it. But I refuse to let you go, and I will never accept defeat.
I'll say it again and again: tell me what you want from me, and I'll give it to you. I'm on your side, Rod. Whether you want to go or stay, I'll support you. To me, you are a beautiful person, inside and out. Beautiful and warm and precious.
Love you much, my dear, dear big brother.
Angel

 
Old 09-16-2005, 04:19 PM   #8
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Re: Monster

Hi Rod
You have a huge heart with so much compassion for everyone but yourself. I wish I knew what to tell you that would make everything better for you. I do know, I believe in you. It doesn't matter whether you go or you stay. I will love you just the same. All I want for you is to be happy. That's all of us want for you.

I love you, Rod!
Sam

 
Old 09-17-2005, 02:55 PM   #9
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Re: Monster

((((((((((RODRIC))))))))))

What can I say that will make the frowns go away? Sam pretty much said everything that I was going to say -- that it doesn't matter if you stay or go, it just matters that you're happy. I love you and I only want the best for you. All my best!

Meredith

 
Old 09-17-2005, 10:58 PM   #10
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Johnster HB User
Re: Monster

ROD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for showing up at the party last night!!! I just wished you could have stayed a little longer.

No really, I hope your having a GREAT weekend!!!

Talk to you later

 
Old 09-18-2005, 12:51 AM   #11
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Re: Monster

Hi Rod

Thinking of you and hoping you are having a great weekend!!!!!



Love you,
Sam

 
Old 09-18-2005, 07:53 AM   #12
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Re: Monster

"Is the Prince dead?" Did you stab him in the heart?" Is the army assembled?"

Yes...Lord of fear...Give me a war.

"That is what I do."


Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. Thanks for your kind words. I welcome your friendship. It is much appreciated. Courage. It takes courage to do even the most simple things. But for something as great as a agoraphobic going across the world, that may take courage along with a act of God. People may see me as a hypocrite. They may say, how can someone so utterly negative and hopeless help anyone else? Well, I never said I could save myself, but I can lead a blind man across a road. We all see things differently.

Angel. What can I say. There is a small list of people that I really can say that have impacted my life in a positive way. And you are on that list. You remind me when I first met Rose. I did not think anyone like this male or female existed in this world. Thats how I feel about you. Your heart was painted with the softest, sweetest colors. You overwhelm me with just how compassionate you are. Which is why it is so unfair and hard for me to think of all the things you have gone through. Im not as much shattered as a person as I am mentally. I remember once a while ago I drew a picture of myself. I must have spent like 3 hours sitting at my desk trying to carefully construct every detail of my face just on memory alone. I took the drawing and showed it to my mother and my sister. I asked them who do they think this is? They looked at it, threw out a few names and told me they couldnt figure it out. They ask me who it was, I told them, I dont know. I just can't lock in on what is real. And what is a distorted image. And you know the worst thing that happens? The most cruel thing the beast does is distorts the person I love. Fear is purely a exaggeration. I guess when you get beat down so much in life you flinch at the smallest thumb to your skin. I sleep with the light on. Im scared of my own shadow. But that feeling I get inside. The fear Ive ran from and hid from. I just dont want to feel it anymore. =(. I dont want to hurt anymore. Hurts too bad, hurts too long. Its funny, it makes me feel like im going to die. A feeling so terrible that Ive tried to die just so I couldnt feel it anymore. People tell me to face my fears. Ive been facing them for 12 years, everytime I chase a dream. They dont change, they dont go away. The demons always dwell within. I dont really own my emotions and thoughts. One day I feel so inspired, determined and ready with the feeling that nothing can stop me. Some days I feel so inlove with her that I cant get her off my mind. I ache to be with her in those moments. But most days, like now, I just have this incredible swell of anxiety. And I have to stare at her pictures to try to remind myself why I love her. Why I wanted to go. The feeling escapes me too often. And my mind distorts everything about her.

Yesterday I took my mother's dog for a walk. Trying to face my fears. Beautiful people are like demons to me. Couples are even worse. It was broad daylight, walking around in the neighborhood. Completely terrified. Id honestly feel more comfortable in a dark Memphis alley. I used to work at a car company at night doing janitorial work. In one of the worst part of the city. I would hear gunshots every other week, and see people wandering around the parking lot everytime I empty the trash. Almost slipping on gunshells. It never bothered me one bit. The thing I fear the most is not failure. Its not responsibility. Its waking up everyday knowing Im beneath everyone else. Under the bridge where the troll dwells. Im beneath love. Im beneath success. Im beneath happiness. And no matter what I ever did in life, those things would never change. The world is cruel and unfair, but the world never lies. It shows you what you are. It tells you. It creates you. Theres a food chain and Im on the bottom of it. I know where I belong. And you have no idea how much I hate it. I hate myself intensely. There are no mistakes. People become what they become. People are what they are. I can never be happy because I can never accept what I am. People dont hate me because Im a bad person. They hate me because Im everything they wake up and thank God they are not. I'm ugly. Void of any self esteem or self worth. Fat. My self image lowers with every lbs I gain. Im african american. In Memphis its almost a sin walking around with this skin. I can feel the hatred from peoples eyes and their stares. And Im so completely disconnected from my own race. I watched the tragic news coverages of Hurricane Katrina. So sad. It didnt really help me feel proud. You can see where priorities lie. I feel so different. Barely human. Barely alive.

I stood on the sidewalk. Just still. My dog wandering around me, sniffing the grass. Feeling tears well up in my eyes. Took a deep breath. I looked up at the clouds. I said the Lord's name under my breath. I rolled my eyes at the sky. Tightly clinching the dog chain until it hurt. Breaking pain with pain. Time to go back under the bridge. The beauty of the sun, is burning me. People tell me I have inner beauty. And I agree, I do. And if anyone wanted to know, I can honestly tell you that in this world, it means absolutely nothing. Its like having peanut butter and no jelly. Cereal and no milk. Inner beauty and no outer beauty. It doesnt matter. All i can do is be nice to people. Otherwise they would completely hate me full circle.

Thanks Sam. I hope your doing well. I see youve gotten alot of rain over in NC. Hope its not making you feel dreary. I cant help but to think about our last conversation. It has stuck with me since. I threw everything I could from my heart to help you and after I failed I cried. Cos, Im asking, no, i was begging you to do something I could never do, and that is forgive. I miss you.

Mermaid, you sound quite chipper. Its been awhile since I saw you in these parts. I feel your getting better now. Always remember, beauty always triumphs. I never worry too much about someone beautiful, because just like the beautiful mermaid that you are, eventually you would see your reflection in the ocean and realize it for yourself.

Johnny, my brother from another mother. Your a regular party animal. lol. I hope your doing good man. I would have stayed but I thought my jokes went over everyones head. lol. You know I have dreams of all of us sitting in a resturant eating pizza and everyone laughing at my jokes. I can make Rose laugh instantly. lol. I love to see happiness. I love to make people laugh. There is nothing more beautiful than seeing Rose laughing.

continued

 
Old 09-18-2005, 07:54 AM   #13
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Man Apart HB User
Re: Monster

Last but not least. Andrea. I would be lying if I said I didnt miss you greatly. You told me there are people on this board just because of me. Well I am on this board somewhat because of you. And I always look forward to hearing from you. And your post is the prime example why. Thats why I call you Mrs Fantastic. If everything kind of falls in place smoothly, I will be able to go. But if this ride from here to October 20th continues to be this bumpy, chances are Ill be laying in my bed curled up in a ball crying in the dark like last year with thoughts of Rose somewhere suffering from my failure. She told me just a few weeks ago she had doubts and fears and in her own words she didnt think I was goign to come there, but she told me its ok, just always let me be apart of her life even if only on the internet. She said give her 5 years to find a way to come to me. But even if she failed she would just accept even this. Of course I couldnt. I want her to have someone in her life she can kiss and hold and make love to. Have a family of her own. If i cant even get on a plane then I will give her her life back.

I had a panick attack a couple weeks back and I was very vague about what I was going through. I said that I destroyed someone innocent. I made a mistake. I took something pure and corrupted it. It was because she became desperate. I bought a computer for her home. I pay the phone line for the computer monthly. Out of sheer desperation she tried to seduce me some way. And was disrobing in her room. I saw a part of her I didnt want to see on webcam. I didnt want to allow some blurry cam to steal the glory. I stopped her. I told her no. She did not have to lower herself because of this. In her simple way of thinking she said maybe if you see me you will come here. I said no. That was not what I wanted and the reason I bought a computer for her room. When I see you it will be with my naked eyes or it will be never. She was hurt and cried. Telling me I didnt like her and that she was ugly. Begging me to please come there. Telling me she wont hurt me. Telling me there is nothing to fear. I signed off as she was talking. My guilt was to overwhelming. It seems so simple. Just get on a plane. But it is the hardest and most challenging thing Ive ever faced.

The problem is Ive told her everything. Ive told her to read about depression and anxiety. It either completely went over her head or she just doesnt understand it. I am better armed and prepared. Although there is a chance my mother will not be able to go with me.

What would I say to Man Apart? If I posted a reply to myself maybe it would be something like this; I would tell Man Apart that whatever you fear, whether its change, rejection, or even love. Remember, nothing has to change when the trip is over, you can return to this life if that is your choice but at least if you are going to continue to live in this comfort zone, capture the memories of what true love felt like and keep it with you forever. 30 hours is a hell of a long time for a trip. Im not gonna lie, its daunting. First time on a plane. First time seeing the world. Every single minute you will be experiencing something new. 20 different things every hour. You take it one hour at a time. Take what you need to help fill your time. To make it more conveniant. You sit in a chair all day on the computer, listenign to the radio, eating and playign video games anyway right? So take a portable laptop with you. Take a handheld portable video game. Listen to your favorite shows on the radio. And get lots of sleep. And every so often, look out of the window and take in the view. Dont go for a week or even 4 days, its ok if you on go for 2. Get your feet wet. Always have in you rmind that it will be over soon. But i bet when you get there and your with her, your goign to kick yourself for only schedule a 2 day trip. I bet you she will make you feel like you never want to go home. Carry those two days home with you. The trip home naturally will be easier. And when you are home, you will have accomplished something you could have never imagined. I dont want to use fear as a tatic against you but remember your life without her? Scary huh? The problem isnt going to be the trip necessarily, its the days before it. And a remedy for that I cannot give. It will be hell, just like last time. And even harder than last year, because last year you were oblivious to the fear you would have the day before. This time, your experiencing it a month in advance. And every day is a struggle to find your way through that first door.

Did you read my reply on your thread Andrea? Im glad you made that point about not havign any reason to fill dirty or nasty. Would you think that way of me because I was raped by a gay male when I was 11? No of course not, and you shouldnt feel that way of yourself.

Ill never love Rod. He is everything I wish I wasnt. Hes weak. Hes ugly. Hes useless. But I do feel sorry for him. I wish things could be different for him. I just dont know him at all.

Whatever happens happens. Either way it will cause me a great deal of pain. But I have only a month left and I can be free of all of this. Whether I go or not. Im just tired of always trying to make my life better, when there is no room from improvement.

I just dont want to hurt anymore.

 
Old 09-18-2005, 11:14 AM   #14
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,700
Johnster HB User
Re: Monster

Hey Rod,

Thanks for giving me that incredible dream to share. I think I will always think of you as that great guy making me laugh over a couple sausage with cheese and a coke. You do a good job making us laugh. You were a blast at the last couple parties!!! I almost wet myself!!!

Thanks for being such a good friend to us little brother from another mother.

 
Old 09-18-2005, 08:31 PM   #15
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 19
JCcat HB User
Re: Monster

Hi Man Apart

Two years ago in May, I was in much the same shoes my friend.

I was trying hard to recover from another bad bout of severe depression, and much by accident, I met a man online from another country with whom, over countless hours of conversation over many months, I developed a deep and spiritual relationship. .

I had no money for travel, was unable to work, and was quickly running out of savings, especially with my mounting bills for therapy, meds, and med checks.

In the course of many long conversations with this man, he helped me to reconnect with my higher power. I was angry and hurt and disappointed that God had let my life become a nightmare again, despite the best efforts I could muster at the time. I thought that He wasn't supposed to give me more than I could handle.. that my burdens were supposed to be lighter, not threatening to drown me in despair and threaten my life and soul again. I am at a loss to describe what it was that this man said to me that made something snap inside of me. Maybe it was how he seemed to understand the way I felt, or how dedicated and supportive a friend he had become, but somehow he touched me, and I decided to just trust that somehow, someday, things would work out, even if it was just for a moment.

His impact on my life, even back then, was profound to say the least. Sometime after this, I began to think very seriously about this man and what he meant to me, sight unseen. I wanted to be with him. I believed it was possible that maybe we would find a way to share our lives.

When I realized why he couldn't just buy a ticket and come visit me, and how difficult it would be for him to get permission to come here, I felt absolutely crushed. He is from a poor country, a former communist dictatorship. I found out if we were engaged I could bring him here, but couldn't see how in the world I could ever handle the stress, the financial obligations, the legal fees, not to mention the fact that we weren't engaged, and in order to get engaged, I would have to travel alone to a scary sounding place. At that time, I was often scared to go to the mailbox, much less spend 24 hours traveling to meet a "complete stranger".


Today I still struggle with depression, and to make a daily decision to have faith, but today that man is my loving husband, and although he still lives overseas, I am miraculously about to make my 4th journey to his, and now my, home across the pond.

I still live in the US, and am still struggling to bring my husband home. I'm still struggling to hold it together emptionally, but with his loving support, and by grace and faith, I am working, managing to get by, and even conquer my anxiety and fear enough to travel to places most people would never dream of going alone. Sometimes I feel as if I am on the brink of actually functioning well. Even managing my weight is getting easier.

Maybe my story can give you a little hope. Maybe you will come to a point, like I did, where you feel that you do have hope for a life with happiness and joy, even if you are not with your beloved right now. Maybe you will just give up believing it can never work out because it just doesn't seem like an option anymore, no matter what you tell yourself rationally, or how frightening and painful the journey seems.

Being separated from someone you love, and facing the daunting challenge of dealing with sometimes unkind federal beaurocracies and their requirements can drive the most stable of people into anxiety and depression, IMHO. Go easy on yourself, brother. YOU are not the monster. Trust me. Nothing you are feeling is outside the realm of normal, it's just much much more intense for those of us who feel things a bit too much sometimes.

Many times in my journey so far I have been nearly lost, swallowed up by some horrible beast, who tortured me to the brink of losing myself to despair.

But I will not give in to despair...

Man Apart, what I suggest is not an easy feat, but take courage from this... Of course you have doubts and fears. Of course Rose has doubts and fears. You may well be embarking on the adventure of a lifetime, one way or another. Long distance relationships are difficult, but when you are engaged in a relationship with a kind, honest, loving person, who makes your everyday life a little better even if there's only a snowball's chance in hell you'll ever get to really share your life with them in person, miracles can happen.If you accept the love you have right now, even with Rose far away, for what it is worth, you might find it's quite valuable.

My life is far from perfect. My relationship with my husband doesn't solve my problems, or make me wealthier, but the love and devotion of my husband and even his family have touched me beyond what I can convey. He helped give me back my faith, my hope, and my ability to receive some part of the blessings and gifts that a loving God would want me to have. Neither of us is perfect, but we are both happier and more stable people.

Don't give up on yourself. Don't give up on your dream.

I'm not sure what side of the ocean I will ultimately be living on, though finding a way to live without severe hardship in my husbands' country is a real challenge.

What is for sure is that it will happen someday, and until then, I am grateful that even across the miles I can feel his love for me, and I feel like I have been given a precious gift for this reason.

I'm still struggling. That's why I'm here. I'm brand new here, as a matter of fact, but I just couldn't help but post to you when I saw your story.

Reading your post, I was reminded of a story from an immigration board (i've been frequenting a few for quite a long time now) about a man too medically disabled to travel, but desperately in love with a lady from a poor country, who was unable by herself to come to the US. Desperately in love, they had never met, and it seemed impossible they ever would. All the experts there said he'd never get a visa approved for her. Even the Lawyers who posted there reported it was unheard of except in very rare and extreme cases for a person in this situation to win. No one believed he could do it, but he got help meeting the financial sponsorship requirements, filed to waive the requirement that he meet her in person due to his medical inability to travel, and she eventually joined him in the US, where they married and she remains, happily married and caring for her husband at last post.

I pray that any of this might be of some help to you. Thanks for the opportunty to share. Sorry for rambling.

JCcat

 
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