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Old 09-22-2005, 11:19 PM   #1
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 103
hybridelements HB User
Post My story

hi guys,i'm Gaia here,i'm 16 yr old this year. i just wanna write out what happened to me,it'll be kinda long...

Since young i've been a really quiet girl with not much people to talk to,my family is pretty screwed up as my dad often quarrels with my mum,the memories of the fights still linger in my mind. i ought to be angry at my dad for gambling and having a bad temper,but i couldnt,cos despite all those things that happened,he loves me a lot.I should be closer to my mum,but im not,cos all she never does is hating me,cos i remind her of how she is angry with my dad.i couldnt talk to my siblings about it,cos we dont have the same father (half-blood siblings)

i could still deal with until one day,when i realised that i have scoliosis,a spine disorder.i had to wear a brace to straighten my sucked,cos it made me feel like a freak compared to all the people around me.i wore it for two years, and then,my parents was too ****** off with each other and too busy that they refused to take me for the med checkup,from there,i stopped the treatment.

things were fine for a while,but all of a sudden,it began to fall apart.i was 11 that year, my dad sudden collapse in the house.i was shocked.we sent him to the hosptial and he was in critical condition. i was scared,scared to lose him, he was the person i totally depended on.luckily,he survived that,but, he has a mum didnt wanna take care of him and so he began to live with my grandparents. i still cant forget the cold nights in the hospital,spending each second in fear. what's worse is that,from that day onwards,i'm left all alone in my house,living with a mother who hates me and siblings who dont understand me.

i was trying hard to deal with it but it became worse when my spine condition got worse.i went back for a checkup, and the doc said that i ought to have continue on my treatment few years back.So i had to wear the brace again, and this time,it was worse,even in school.i didnt want to,cos i felt like a complete freak. it was an emotional struggle,whether to do it or not,i didnt know. i knew that it was needed for my health so i decided to try it out. it took me a lot of courage,however,i felt so embarrassed and sensitive to things around me. it was for a few weeks till i finally broke down and stopped wearing it to school.

i was completely alone with no one to talk to,and with my ****ing health condition. i began to lock myself up and laze around. my motivation was all lost and i couldnt concentrate on anything at all,i used to study really hard in the past,but at that time,i couldnt do that anymore. My thinking towards life totally changed and i realised that i cant relate to any of my friends at all.

The next year,i went to a secondary school. Everyone around me were excited about making new friends and having fun. For me,i was so caught up with the mess,i became even more depressed. This went on for a year. i had suicidal thoughts almost everyday,i cried everyday at night, but never ever told anyone.

Then i began to listen to rock music and writing lyrics,it helped me to write out my sadness or anger. Also, i realised that i had to get the hell away from depression.i didnt know how to start,so i started by running away from all my problems,i thought that was the best way.i wanted to forget abt things and to eliminate all the negatibe thoughts. i faked up to be a person i'm not,i tried to be happy in skol, and went out having fun with friends. Oh yeah,i forgot to say this,i have another problem,i had acne but at that time,it got a lot better. i was a happier person,and began to find myself back again. But still, i could still feel some sadness deep inside.

but the happiness didnt last for long, about a year later.(last year) Things began to get worse again, i fell back into depression.this is the second time and i know it is harder to get out again. i dunno why but i starting to become really depressed again. Perhaps it was becos of some friendship problems in school, study stress and having my mum to scold me everyday over nothing at all. i realised that my lyrics became darker and i was totally sinking in dark music.i listened to suicidal and negative music. i knew it wasnt good for me,but i hads no choice,cos i can totally relate to them. i accepted depression as part of my life. i was fine with being dark as i thought it just me,i couldnt stop it. i love writing, and that made me sink deeper in, as what i wrote was dark,but i couldnt bring myself to give up my talent of writing. i was very rebellious and didnt wanna study at all.My studies was all screwed up,compared to the person i was when i was younger,i became a totally different person. People thought that it's just my personality. My temper was damn bad,i would snap at anyone who disagreed with me.That was really hell for me.

Finally. From the starting of this year, i was still living in depression. But i knew that i had to do some thing to control my temper and to got my studies right. alright, my temper was better. My studies?i was completely caught up in it,i was trying too hard and stressed myself out even more and that made my condition worse.i was trying to get out of all these,but i guess i didnt do it right. i'll be having my O level exams next month, it's very important but i didnt realised that my life is even more important. i was totally caught up with getting good results and topping subjects and became paranoid regarding classmates and some other things.right now, i'm gonna stop it,cos i'll break down if i dont. Due to the late nights studying,my skin condition is horrible,i totally regret it now. My depression has worsened it too.So i'm trying hard to get out of this **** and to learn to live like a normal person. i'll be on Accutane(acne treatment) soon,it may worsen depression,but i'm gonna go ahead with it. Cos i MUST learn to deal with depression and this may be a way to remind myself that i cant afford to be depressed anymore. I know that if i can get pass that, i'll be able to really live my life again.

I really hope that i will win this fight against depression,it's the only way that can make my life right again,like my studies, my skin, my future and my happiness. 5 years of it, i completely screwed upself up,i have to get rid of this no matter how hard it is,even if i have to give up on writing lyrics or dark music ( i'm a serious writer and music has been a major part of me)
i also hope that,from the moment i submit this thread, i will start working on it. And please,to all of u out there who are fighting this battle with depression as well, hold on no matter how tough it gets.

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Old 09-23-2005, 08:57 AM   #2
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 21
surreyboy HB User
Re: My story

First of all I feel I wanna give you a hug for what you have written.

I know exactly how you felt about the parents thing. My dad became an alcoholic when I was 16 - and he was the last person you'd expect it to happen to. I had to watch my family fall apart and my mum change into a bitter and confrontational person. I was seen as a freak too because I was quiet and shy and very withdrawn and slipping into bouts of depression.

I just wanted to write to say I know how you feel and to say "hi" really!

Old 09-23-2005, 09:45 AM   #3
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 78
MildDepJeff HB User
Re: My story

Hey I just want to say I'm very proud of you, deciding that you will fight it is the hardest decision. Don't be afraid to ask for help! You can do it!

Old 09-24-2005, 03:35 AM   #4
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Join Date: Sep 2005
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hybridelements HB User
Re: My story

thx for replying!

surreyboy,i'm glad u understand how i feel *hugs back* =)

milddepjeff: I hope i really can!

Old 09-24-2005, 07:05 AM   #5
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 169
s1980 HB User
Re: My story

Hi there,
So sorry for all that you are going thru with your family it must be really difficult for you right now.
A lot of what you wrote hit home with me, I remember feeling so terrible as a teen that I believed there was no way out and that death was going to be my only comfort, one failed suicide attempt later and I finally began to pull myself out of the worst of it.

Music was also very cathartic for me and one thought that particulary helped me was that if I was gone, if I died I would not be able to be moved by the music anymore, I wouldn't have the incredible effect that music often has upon me. I listened to certain albums constantly when I was at my worst because certain bands seemed to be able to perfectly express how I was feeling at that very moment in time.

Depression is often certainly not helped by family, parents get very absorbed into their own struggles and cannot see beyond those things and so miss any signs that children and teenagers are really struggling, or if they do notice that all is not well then they tend to pass the blame around as to who is responsible for that.

Can you not find anyone at all to talk to? Is there a confidential counsellor at your school? Or maybe there is a voluntary organisation you can visit or maybe telephone so that you can get a lot of these terrible feelings out in the open? You must begin to seek help for yourself so that you can begin to feel better about all of this, sitting at home wishing for it all to go away is not really going to change anything - you must begin to fight against it all - don't give up!!! You can get thru it but it takes time, a few tears and a fair bit of effort. Then one day you will feel so much better and will be able to manage with all that is going on in your life once more.
all the best

Old 09-25-2005, 04:16 AM   #6
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surreyboy HB User
Re: My story

Hi Gaia.

I've suffered with always being the queit guy that people think they can walk over. Because my family were so strong until I was 16 it came as a massive shock when it all fell to pieces. It did my confidence totally. I found some strength in music and writing, but after a recent further dip in confidence I've been left feeling lower than previously. At the moment not much seems to be pulling me 9out. That's why I came on this board to try and speck to people who were experiencing similar things. Keep in touch.

Old 09-25-2005, 04:50 AM   #7
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hoiz HB User
Re: My story

I wanted to post a reply as i can relate to you in so many ways.Im 17 and suffer from double scoliosis and have done for 3years.The pain is excruciating and my movement and flexibility is restricted.Everyday tasks become a painful chore including just standing or walking for anytime over 20minutes.I currently take 15pills a day, mainly consisting of morphine.I havnt had to wear a brace but can understand the embarassment and lonelyness this treatment can bring you, as i had a family member who wore one for their childhood.
My parents are both alcoholics, with my father abusing me all throughout my childhood, with my mum cowering in the background growing such an addiction to harsh drugs.My parents split 4 years ago and ive not spoken to my father since and do not intend to.
I also suffer from depression and have done for around a year.It was a mixture of my physical pain and the feeling of lonliness this medical condition brings me, and my family situations that caused my depression.However it took me over 3 months before i gained the courage to seek help.I now see a pyschiatrist and have been to councelling, and am on AD's.From such a depressive state where i would inflict violence apon myself regularly, i am now feeling quite a bit better in my thoughts simply due to the meds im on.
My point was even though you are suffering from this illness and feel physical pains from your health problems, at the end of your post you still found the inspiration to spur others on to fight this battle by saying "And please,to all of u out there who are fighting this battle with depression as well, hold on no matter how tough it gets". You have shown great courage and inspiration with this illness.I wish you well and in time you will fight this illness and be on the road to self recovery.
Take care.Holly

Old 09-25-2005, 05:24 AM   #8
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 103
hybridelements HB User
Re: My story

hi s1980,
music has indeed helped me a lot. But there was a time when i was totally obsessed with it and went too far, like, listening to all those depressin songs everyday that it almost drove me nuts. but now,i'm glad that i can control my emotions better and to take a more positive view towards things.
My friends and family members are too busy overy their own stuff and if i tell them how i feel,they'll say im nuts. well, but i've been talking to people online and it helps me a bit, talking to u guys here also helps me. =) i wont stay home and do nothing.everyday,i'm trying hard to control my emotions and prevent another breakdown. And perharps i'm gonna start doing some exercise everyday and spent equal amount of time studying and relax in order for me to think straight again.

surreyboy, hi to u too.
Just like u,i found strength thru music and writing but it's just that stuff are wearing me out again. Let's work hard to together, we'll make it thru all of this.=)

Hi holly,
scoliosis really sucks. It's something that haunts me everyday and i know u are suffering the pain too.It sucks even more that it's an illness that can never be fully cured. Have u gone for any surgery or treatment?
i hurt myself b4 as well,but stopped recently, when i realised that it's not worth it. i certainly hope that i wont ever do it again..
courage?me? lol.well, maybe all these years has made me more mature and to face my problems bravely. I really hope that all of us can get over the sadness and live our lives.

take care

Last edited by hybridelements; 09-25-2005 at 05:34 AM.

Old 09-25-2005, 05:31 AM   #9
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 21
surreyboy HB User
Re: My story

Yeah, you're right, Gaia. I think the best thing about coming onto this board is that people can help each other through similar problems. Please take care of yourself.

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