hi guys,i'm Gaia here,i'm 16 yr old this year. i just wanna write out what happened to me,it'll be kinda long...
Since young i've been a really quiet girl with not much people to talk to,my family is pretty screwed up as my dad often quarrels with my mum,the memories of the fights still linger in my mind. i ought to be angry at my dad for gambling and having a bad temper,but i couldnt,cos despite all those things that happened,he loves me a lot.I should be closer to my mum,but im not,cos all she never does is hating me,cos i remind her of how she is angry with my dad.i couldnt talk to my siblings about it,cos we dont have the same father (half-blood siblings)
i could still deal with until one day,when i realised that i have scoliosis,a spine disorder.i had to wear a brace to straighten my spine.it sucked,cos it made me feel like a freak compared to all the people around me.i wore it for two years, and then,my parents was too ****** off with each other and too busy that they refused to take me for the med checkup,from there,i stopped the treatment.
things were fine for a while,but all of a sudden,it began to fall apart.i was 11 that year, my dad sudden collapse in the house.i was shocked.we sent him to the hosptial and he was in critical condition. i was scared,scared to lose him, he was the person i totally depended on.luckily,he survived that,but, he has a stroke.my mum didnt wanna take care of him and so he began to live with my grandparents. i still cant forget the cold nights in the hospital,spending each second in fear. what's worse is that,from that day onwards,i'm left all alone in my house,living with a mother who hates me and siblings who dont understand me.
i was trying hard to deal with it but it became worse when my spine condition got worse.i went back for a checkup, and the doc said that i ought to have continue on my treatment few years back.So i had to wear the brace again, and this time,it was worse,even in school.i didnt want to,cos i felt like a complete freak. it was an emotional struggle,whether to do it or not,i didnt know. i knew that it was needed for my health so i decided to try it out. it took me a lot of courage,however,i felt so embarrassed and sensitive to things around me. it was for a few weeks till i finally broke down and stopped wearing it to school.
i was completely alone with no one to talk to,and with my ****ing health condition. i began to lock myself up and laze around. my motivation was all lost and i couldnt concentrate on anything at all,i used to study really hard in the past,but at that time,i couldnt do that anymore. My thinking towards life totally changed and i realised that i cant relate to any of my friends at all.
The next year,i went to a secondary school. Everyone around me were excited about making new friends and having fun. For me,i was so caught up with the mess,i became even more depressed. This went on for a year. i had suicidal thoughts almost everyday,i cried everyday at night, but never ever told anyone.
Then i began to listen to rock music and writing lyrics,it helped me to write out my sadness or anger. Also, i realised that i had to get the hell away from depression.i didnt know how to start,so i started by running away from all my problems,i thought that was the best way.i wanted to forget abt things and to eliminate all the negatibe thoughts. i faked up to be a person i'm not,i tried to be happy in skol, and went out having fun with friends. Oh yeah,i forgot to say this,i have another problem,i had acne but at that time,it got a lot better. i was a happier person,and began to find myself back again. But still, i could still feel some sadness deep inside.
but the happiness didnt last for long, about a year later.(last year) Things began to get worse again, i fell back into depression.this is the second time and i know it is harder to get out again. i dunno why but i starting to become really depressed again. Perhaps it was becos of some friendship problems in school, study stress and having my mum to scold me everyday over nothing at all. i realised that my lyrics became darker and i was totally sinking in dark music.i listened to suicidal and negative music. i knew it wasnt good for me,but i hads no choice,cos i can totally relate to them. i accepted depression as part of my life. i was fine with being dark as i thought it just me,i couldnt stop it. i love writing, and that made me sink deeper in, as what i wrote was dark,but i couldnt bring myself to give up my talent of writing. i was very rebellious and didnt wanna study at all.My studies was all screwed up,compared to the person i was when i was younger,i became a totally different person. People thought that it's just my personality. My temper was damn bad,i would snap at anyone who disagreed with me.That was really hell for me.
Finally. From the starting of this year, i was still living in depression. But i knew that i had to do some thing to control my temper and to got my studies right. alright, my temper was better. My studies?i was completely caught up in it,i was trying too hard and stressed myself out even more and that made my condition worse.i was trying to get out of all these,but i guess i didnt do it right. i'll be having my O level exams next month, it's very important but i didnt realised that my life is even more important. i was totally caught up with getting good results and topping subjects and became paranoid regarding classmates and some other things.right now, i'm gonna stop it,cos i'll break down if i dont. Due to the late nights studying,my skin condition is horrible,i totally regret it now. My depression has worsened it too.So i'm trying hard to get out of this **** and to learn to live like a normal person. i'll be on Accutane(acne treatment) soon,it may worsen depression,but i'm gonna go ahead with it. Cos i MUST learn to deal with depression and this may be a way to remind myself that i cant afford to be depressed anymore. I know that if i can get pass that, i'll be able to really live my life again.
I really hope that i will win this fight against depression,it's the only way that can make my life right again,like my studies, my skin, my future and my happiness. 5 years of it, i completely screwed upself up,i have to get rid of this no matter how hard it is,even if i have to give up on writing lyrics or dark music ( i'm a serious writer and music has been a major part of me)
i also hope that,from the moment i submit this thread, i will start working on it. And please,to all of u out there who are fighting this battle with depression as well, hold on no matter how tough it gets.