So for a few months now, things were looking up. Despite the facts that I am two courses away from obtaining my college degree, I still live at home, still don't have my driver's license, and am currently looking for a steady day job, things were almost at the point where I could say I was happy.
See, I do have a job. I'm a hostess at a 3 star restaurant in Philly, and it's so much fun. I work Sunday through Wednesday nights, and on my days off I relax during the day and usually go out with coworkers at night. My coworkers are so great, they make me feel welcome and comfortable and safe. One of them, a boy named Corey, actually has feelings for me, and I have feelings for him. We've been "seeing" each other for a few weeks now, and although there is no title on our relationship, I am very happy with him. I'm having fun and living in the moment, and if it turns into something more, then I'd be ecstatic.
I feel as though I am gaining independence, because I take the bus to work (something that before would have given me 17 panic attacks) and I do things on my own schedule. I have a job and I'm starting out my life, and I'm figuring out my path. However, none of this is good enough for my parents. Because last night, separately, both my mom and dad came into my room and screamed at me.
My mom came in first, and subtly started the berating by asking me when I was going to take classes to finish my degree. Then she asked me how the job search was going, and I told her it wasn't really because I already had a job. Plus, I still "don't know what I want to be when I grow up" so it's hard to get a job when I don't know what I want to do. WELL, that just started a whole other long rant of screaming and cursing. I can't recall the exact things she said because I was so upset, but she basically told me to finish my degree, get a job or get the "eff" out of her house. That I needed to get a day job, she didn't care doing what...being a construction worker or a truck driver, just to get a day job and get my life together. I then retorted, "well if I'm a construction worker or truck driver, that wouldn't be a good use of my English degree, and it would be just the same as me being a hostess, only I'd be doing the same crap during the day so what's the difference?" I shoudn't have even opened my mouth, because she screamed at me even more, saying that as long as I was in her house I lived by her rules, and that if I was just going to be a hostess for the rest of my life then I owed her 65 thousand dollars (what she contributed to my college education). I told her, "It's my life, let me make my own decisions and make my own mistakes....I'm going to finish my degree and get a job I just need time, I'm only 22 I have my whole life to figure out what I want to do." It did no good, because she just repeated herself by saying as long as I live in her house I live by her rules, and I needed a day job and I needed to finish my degree. Those were the three things she continually repeated screaming and cursing at me. I don't remember how the conversation ended but I know I was crying and she didn't care if i hated her, and then I think she left.
That was before dinner. At dinner I wasn't really hungry, I didn't each much and I barely spoke at all I was so upset. It took everything in me not to cry at dinner.
After dinner, my dad came into my room to talk to me because he "heard that my mom and I had a falling out." I thought this would have been my opportunity to vent my frustrations, but rather, it was the other way around. My dad took that time to dump all his frustrations out on me, and tell me that he shared the same sentiments as my mother, so don't blame just her. He repeated a lot of the same things my mom said, including the screaming and cursing at me, only he added a few things. He told me flat out that I was a disappointment to him, and he also gave me an ultimatum: that if I didn't finish my degree by May of next year (keep in mind I only need to take two classes to finish) then I was kicked out of the house and he never wanted to speak to me again. He said he didn't care if I became a hooker, just that I needed to get the "eff" out of his house and cut all ties. He told me he was sick of my excuses, and that I needed to get my act together and get focused and motivated. He stormed out, leaving me crying.
Well, my parents know I suffer from depression. I've been off my meds since about March because I came off my parents' insurance and my new HMO doesn't have mental health coverage. They know I have ridiculously low self esteem, that I have a self defeatest attitude toward everything, that my depression causes me to have no motivation or "focus". They know I was suicidal in the past. What I don't understand is how they can go on saying these things, putting me down, telling me to my face that I'm a disappointment, calling my depression an "excuse" for not getting my life together, when they know that it's something that I can't help. I guess that's what I am asking all of you.....How can I tell my parents about how I feel, when every time they talk to me they just scream and curse at me and never give me the opportunity to speak? They just expect me to sit there and take what they dish out, and every response I try to give they put down. So what do I do? I'd really appreciate just some support, because I feel so alone right now. It feels like my parents hate me, and I could use some kind words, especially from some old friends. (See, I told you I'd post my own thread one day!) Thanks in advance.
Re: Just when I thought things were getting better...
I understand about the lack of support. You would expect people who know you suffer from depression and suicidal feelings to be more supportive and help you. Mine are exactly the same. They know I'm suicidal but just keep going on a huge rant at me. For example last friday my cousin came around. I dont get on with my cousin as you probably know if you've read my post. Anyway he was being very nasty and critical and a down right pig. I was suicidal because of im and hardly said a word. My mum noticed, told my nan and for once nan stuck up for me and told my cousin that im suicidal and to leave me alone or I'll take a overdose or something. And he said "so what".
I would do the two classes you need to so you can get your degree then find a job and get out of there. Your parents are probably mad because they paid a great deal of money for your education. I always get that thrown in my face too. Stand up for yourself. If there going to start walk out of the room.
Re: Just when I thought things were getting better...
I wish I hadn't had my own bad day so that I could be more useful to you. I'm sure Rod will show up with all the right things to say. He's good for that. I know that you are far ahead of the game--way ahead of me, and I'm 5 years older than you. I don't know why your parents are being the way they are, but you have every right to feel proud of yourself and know that you've come a long, long way. You ARE gaining independence, and you are continuing to go in the right direction.
IS there any way you could get out of their house? Someone you can move in with? A cheap apartment you can rent? I ran away from home when I was 17, because I simply couldn't handle the expectations and pressures my parents were putting on me. I think leaving home was probably one of the best things I ever did. That's how you can take their power away and live your life the way that you need to. "So long as you live under our roof!" I was always hearing that, and not because I broke any rules or was a bad kid, but because I wasn't living my life the way my parents wanted me to! Maybe you could get together with a few friends and get a place. Any siblings you could live with for awhile? Other relatives?
I know the ideal thing for you right now would to be able to talk to your parents and have them be understanding and compassionate, but it sounds like they're beyond listening and being reasonable. I know that my parents got to a selfish stage in their life when they decided they were done with raising kids and that they wanted to just be alone, and so I think they tried to drive me out, even though I wasn't eve an adult. Maybe your parents have entered that selfish stage?
Oh, I don't know, hun. Like I said, I'm in no position to give advice. I'm having an awful day. It's ironic, we're talking about crappy parents here. Earlier, my dad paged and I was SO ecstatic, but then it turned out he just wanted to see if we'd watch their dogs. Then just minutes ago, my stepmother stopped by. I was even excited to see her, thinking that my Dad relayed to her how sad I was in my return e-mail to him. No... She just wanted to see if I had a key to their house.
Parents can be cruel.
We love you. Never forget that.
~Even an Eeyore needs a hug.~ (Hug Me Eeyore)
Re: Just when I thought things were getting better...
You are still young. Gee, my son is 21, just finished a community college and started at a University. I felt lucky and blessed that he lived with me that long. Now he is living away and will probably never live with me again. He wants to go to school year round if funding is available. He also had/has depression, I might add, and I felt that it would be better for him to get a grip on it before going out on his own. It was his idea, however, to live at home and go to a community college. It did help him to mature a little and learn how to deal with his depression.
You are making progress, sugar. Don't let anyone take that away from you, please. You are doing just fine.
I have seen some parents do this same thing. Once the kids graduate from high school, they are ready to shoo them out of the nest. I don't understand that. Most young people in college do not know what they want to be. Sometimes they change their minds several times before deciding what to be and getting the right fit. That is why it is a good idea to get the basics out of the way first.
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I wish I could take you under my wing.
Is there another place you can live? Sisters or Brothers? It might be hard financially to live on your own, I don't know. Sharing an apartment with another girl/student might be something to consider.
Whatever you do, don't get discouraged and/or give up. You've come too far for that. Finish your education as soon as you can and do your best in school. Spend time in your room studying to get away from your parents and to show them you're trying your best.
I'm glad you have a job you enjoy several (4) nights a week, with people you enjoy being around. That means you're outgoing and that's a plus too. They can also be there to encourage you.
If you're home during the day, that may irritate your parents since that is the typical time people work. You may need to do some helpful things around the house during the day to make them feel that you're "earning your keep" as my Mama would say.
Your parents do need to be more understanding, as you are doing well with your other issues. You sound so positive and happy with your life as you are finding your way. I'm sorry they are not taking into consideration what it takes for you to ride the bus and such. They seem pushy, but like I said, I've seen other parents do the same. You are becoming more independant every day and life is good for you right now, so enjoy it, don't let them rain on your parade.
I hope you finish your degree as soon as possible and make a teacher perhaps. It sounds like you will have to finish your degree and go into something soon, even if you don't have it all figured out yet. That's the way it was and is for a lot of us. You start out on your own with a lot of unanswered questions and work it out as you go, trying to make the best decisions you can with the situations you're given. All I can say is - try always to be going forward. Whatever choices you have to make, give them a lot of thought and make them the best you can. Don't settle for less than you know you are able to accomplish with your life. It's not about the money, but it is about finding your niche in the world, what your talents are, what God wants you to accomplish in the world for Him. That is where you'll find your satisfaction and purpose.