Finally accepting that I need help
**warning this might be kinda long... and ramble in a few places, as I tend to do that when I'm feeling this way.... don't read it, if you don't want to**
I've put things off for years, due to being stubborn and just not caring enough.
As odd as it seems this was all I've ever known and for that reason a sick twisted comfort zone of sorts.
In my life I've always had one person I felt comfortable talking to about my emotions, that person was my mother.
A few years ago after lasting much longer than Doctors gave her (negligent doctors at that that butcherd her treatment... but that's for another day...) my mother lost a battle with stomach cancer.
At that point in time things went from moderate depression, to severe borderline suicidal depression. My Rock.. the one person I felt comfortable talking to about this stuff was taken away. Noone has or likely will take her place... not my best friend.. not my dad.. my brother.. no one.
During the time since I've tried to use sheer willpower to fight off my emotions, sometimes quite well, but more often than not to no avail.
There have been alot of situations that have made me close to seeking help. Today was the straw that broke the camel's back.
You see if you've followed my posts, you might know that there is a wealth of reasons I can come up with for my depression, but the big three are my lack of a good job, my lack of having someone to love and call my own and finally the fact that I'm still a virgin at nearly 26.
Last night was at a bar about an hour from here watching a band I like and I guess a girl was flirting with me (at least this is what my roommate claims and he's the opposite of me and has NO trouble with the ladies.. something I'm quite jealous of) Anyway.. got sidetracked there.
Due to my overall lack of self worth and the fact that I can't 'read' girls at all, I was unable to pick up on this and have been beating myself up over this potiential missed chance all day.
At work today I was almost a monster of sorts. Wasn't nice to the coustomers... to my co workers or anyone for that matter. It's gotten to point where I'm so unhappy, that I can't hide my emotions anymore, something I used to be able to do from taking alot of acting courses with I was younger.
I was and am stuck in this daze of turmoil... pain and anger. Pain from wanting my life to change more than anything, anger that was directed at anyone 'happy' that I saw.
I think it took the fact that I couldn't even keep my emotions in check at work, a place where I'm normally quite professional to wake me up.
I'm on a one way street heading toward self destruction and there's no turning back at this point.
It's either seek the help, or who knows what might happen. I can feel my emotions causing me to be more unstable by the day. I can't think or focus on much anything and continue to have recurring thoughts about no longer wanting to live.
In fact the only good thing that came out of my mother's passing, is the fact that I'm still here. I saw what that did to my family, especially my father and my 10 year old sister.. whom I'm very close to. After seeing this first hand, I decided I could never hurt them in that way.
By the same token I feel trapped someplace, where I have little to no desire to be.
I had my roommate contact his mother, who works as a secretary at a local mental health facility. I knew this might be the only way she gets contacted, knowing me and how stubborn I can be.
I'm going in for a consultation on my next day off from work and am excited, though a little nervous about what might transpire.
All I know is that I can't continue on like this anymore and anything has to better than the life I'm leading right now.