Junior Member (female)
Join Date: Dec 2003
| | please help...a friend...
I am very worried about my friend...I am not sure where to post this because there are so many boards, but I thought it might be most beneficial because she has depression and that is the reason I'm most worried about her. I'm not sure what to do!?!?!?!?
Just a bit of background (that is relative to what has happened)... when my friend...I will call her Jill...was younger she was repeatedly raped by her older brother for a year years, along with her sisters. Jill was like 7. She has had therapy, and her brother is in jail (or maybe he is out now? Not sure...doesn't matter). She hasn't had sex sense, and she even got into a very close relationship with a guy for almost a year that came close, but he was careful with what she had gone though. She has told me many times that it was important for her to wait until she was married or with a guy that she was pretty sure she was going to marry. She has had a lot of issues with depression in the past (understandably), and really had some close calls for killing herself during high school. She has been doing better for the last couple of years (still takes pills, but not seeing a therapist anymore).
So...she told me today that this guy she has only been seeing for 1 month, she had sex with a little over a week ago. On their 4th 'date,' she said it just happened. I know for certain it wasn't rape, because I asked her outright. Part of me believes it was mental rape though...she has told him about her past, and her hopes. She told him that she is a virgin (yes, even though not physically), and it was very important for her to wait. Just knowing Jill, I know it would be easy for a guy to get her to let in, because of some of her issues she has 'attention issues.' I mean, she has said that she feels the need to have a guy to be whole, and that is somewhat normal for a lot of girls but not to that extent. She knows that. Her first boyfriend was truly wonderful, because he knew how much it would hurt her if they did it.
I am just really concerned for her...and I don't trust this guy. She TOLD ME she doesn't trust this guy. He told her like their 3 date that he loved her, and now that they have had sex he tells her often how he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. She has told him that he doesn't really love her, because they havenít known each other that long. She has told him that she likes him, but not loves him.
Shoot, another thing is he is from another country (not saying where though...because it isn't important and if it is true I don't want to cause trouble in here in case someone in here knows about this and is from the other side)...and Jill told me this story that he is a refuge and he was part of a political thing to set up a democracy in this country like the United States. He and a few others were told they had 6 hours to leave the country otherwise they would be killed, and he was smuggled out of there and brought to the U.S. His plan is to get a good education, and go back over there to continue to work to put some order back into the country. He has told her that he can't have kids or a wife over there, because they would be targets. They would have to stay somewhere else...he said he is only going to be in his country for a few years until things get going and then he is going to leave. He and 'his people's' plan is him to become president of this country.
So....I'm not sure if that story is believable. I have no reason to think it isn't. If it is true then, he could be fairly power hungry. If not...I don't know why he is lying to her, or he has a mental problem which is even scarier.
So...she doesn't love him, she said she doesn't trust him... they have also had sex 5 times sense, and each time she hasn't totally enjoyed it. She said she doesn't want to anymore, but now he expects it. She said it would be hard not to have sex anymore (because she does enjoy it). I don't think she wants to end the relationship (or she doesn't know herself I guess), but she is also not sure if she wants it to slow down or stay where it is at. She wants to have it slow down, but she doesn't know if it can.
Ok...so anyway. We talked for a good 45 minutes, and I told her that I will support her in whatever way possible. I was blunt though, and I told her I didn't trust him because he knew about what has happened to her and he let it happen anyways. Part of me believes that it was planned. Maybe he needs a wife or something to get a green card (I've heard of that before in movies anyway lol). So, she knows that I will be with her, and if this relationship is going to work out I will be happy. One thing I specifically told her is "I want to say I am happy for you, but I first want to know if you are happy. I can't be happy for you if you aren't happy." She didnít' know what to say to that. I told her she doesn't have to continue having sex now that she started.
She has talked to the school nurse (who I am sure doesn't know about her situation). She knows that what she did should not be something she should be ashamed of (and I also don't believe she should be ashamed, because it happens). She has also talked to one other friend, and also a professor she trusts...but I'm also not sure if this professor knows about her past.
I am just worried about her...for her safety. I don't know if this guy is stable...it reminds me of some kind of horror movie where he will butcher her up or something (lol...there goes my overactive imagination). I am also extremely worried about her mental health. Something like this could very quickly send her over the edge.
I am not sure what to do now. I want her to know that I will support whatever happens, and no matter what happens I will be her friend. I don't want her to feel like I think she HAS to get out of the relationship, because I'm afraid she will turn away from me (and us as her friends, because Iím sure her other friend she told is worried about the same thing).
I'm sorry if my views about this guy seems prejudice, and I am fairly certain (I can't say 100% because I havenít been there) that I would have the same feelings towards a guy in the U.S. that did this to her. I was just looking through, and I didn't want to offend anyone that thought the reason I was so untrusting was because he is black. I have international friends, and I just want you to know that, that is not the case.
Lastly, I am so sorry that there are so many spelling errors and here and such. I am a college student, but I just want to get this posted and see what I should do.