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Old 10-01-2005, 03:01 PM   #1
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alarose HB User
Exclamation please help...a friend...

I am very worried about my friend...I am not sure where to post this because there are so many boards, but I thought it might be most beneficial because she has depression and that is the reason I'm most worried about her. I'm not sure what to do!?!?!?!?

Just a bit of background (that is relative to what has happened)... when my friend...I will call her Jill...was younger she was repeatedly raped by her older brother for a year years, along with her sisters. Jill was like 7. She has had therapy, and her brother is in jail (or maybe he is out now? Not sure...doesn't matter). She hasn't had sex sense, and she even got into a very close relationship with a guy for almost a year that came close, but he was careful with what she had gone though. She has told me many times that it was important for her to wait until she was married or with a guy that she was pretty sure she was going to marry. She has had a lot of issues with depression in the past (understandably), and really had some close calls for killing herself during high school. She has been doing better for the last couple of years (still takes pills, but not seeing a therapist anymore).

So...she told me today that this guy she has only been seeing for 1 month, she had sex with a little over a week ago. On their 4th 'date,' she said it just happened. I know for certain it wasn't rape, because I asked her outright. Part of me believes it was mental rape though...she has told him about her past, and her hopes. She told him that she is a virgin (yes, even though not physically), and it was very important for her to wait. Just knowing Jill, I know it would be easy for a guy to get her to let in, because of some of her issues she has 'attention issues.' I mean, she has said that she feels the need to have a guy to be whole, and that is somewhat normal for a lot of girls but not to that extent. She knows that. Her first boyfriend was truly wonderful, because he knew how much it would hurt her if they did it.

I am just really concerned for her...and I don't trust this guy. She TOLD ME she doesn't trust this guy. He told her like their 3 date that he loved her, and now that they have had sex he tells her often how he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. She has told him that he doesn't really love her, because they havenít known each other that long. She has told him that she likes him, but not loves him.

Shoot, another thing is he is from another country (not saying where though...because it isn't important and if it is true I don't want to cause trouble in here in case someone in here knows about this and is from the other side)...and Jill told me this story that he is a refuge and he was part of a political thing to set up a democracy in this country like the United States. He and a few others were told they had 6 hours to leave the country otherwise they would be killed, and he was smuggled out of there and brought to the U.S. His plan is to get a good education, and go back over there to continue to work to put some order back into the country. He has told her that he can't have kids or a wife over there, because they would be targets. They would have to stay somewhere else...he said he is only going to be in his country for a few years until things get going and then he is going to leave. He and 'his people's' plan is him to become president of this country.

So....I'm not sure if that story is believable. I have no reason to think it isn't. If it is true then, he could be fairly power hungry. If not...I don't know why he is lying to her, or he has a mental problem which is even scarier.

So...she doesn't love him, she said she doesn't trust him... they have also had sex 5 times sense, and each time she hasn't totally enjoyed it. She said she doesn't want to anymore, but now he expects it. She said it would be hard not to have sex anymore (because she does enjoy it). I don't think she wants to end the relationship (or she doesn't know herself I guess), but she is also not sure if she wants it to slow down or stay where it is at. She wants to have it slow down, but she doesn't know if it can.

Ok...so anyway. We talked for a good 45 minutes, and I told her that I will support her in whatever way possible. I was blunt though, and I told her I didn't trust him because he knew about what has happened to her and he let it happen anyways. Part of me believes that it was planned. Maybe he needs a wife or something to get a green card (I've heard of that before in movies anyway lol). So, she knows that I will be with her, and if this relationship is going to work out I will be happy. One thing I specifically told her is "I want to say I am happy for you, but I first want to know if you are happy. I can't be happy for you if you aren't happy." She didnít' know what to say to that. I told her she doesn't have to continue having sex now that she started.

She has talked to the school nurse (who I am sure doesn't know about her situation). She knows that what she did should not be something she should be ashamed of (and I also don't believe she should be ashamed, because it happens). She has also talked to one other friend, and also a professor she trusts...but I'm also not sure if this professor knows about her past.

I am just worried about her...for her safety. I don't know if this guy is stable...it reminds me of some kind of horror movie where he will butcher her up or something (lol...there goes my overactive imagination). I am also extremely worried about her mental health. Something like this could very quickly send her over the edge.

I am not sure what to do now. I want her to know that I will support whatever happens, and no matter what happens I will be her friend. I don't want her to feel like I think she HAS to get out of the relationship, because I'm afraid she will turn away from me (and us as her friends, because Iím sure her other friend she told is worried about the same thing).

I'm sorry if my views about this guy seems prejudice, and I am fairly certain (I can't say 100% because I havenít been there) that I would have the same feelings towards a guy in the U.S. that did this to her. I was just looking through, and I didn't want to offend anyone that thought the reason I was so untrusting was because he is black. I have international friends, and I just want you to know that, that is not the case.

Lastly, I am so sorry that there are so many spelling errors and here and such. I am a college student, but I just want to get this posted and see what I should do.


So...please HELP!

 
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Old 10-01-2005, 04:27 PM   #2
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Jecca1 HB User
Re: please help...a friend...

It sounds to me like you are right about worrying and being concerned about your friend. She hasn't known him but one month and has gotten herself into a very intimate relationship with a guy who has political plans which may or may not be good. She is setting herself up for a lot of hurt which she needs to avoid since she suffers from depression and has severe issues from childhood. This guy may only care about his needs. He has already expressed that he doesn't intend to marry her.

You are a good friend for caring. She sounds pretty naive and needs you to see things clearly for her. She will probably have a hard time, or impossible for her, slowing down their relationship now. I hope he is not a violent person.

Best of Luck and please tell her to start backing off for her own good.

Jecca1

 
Old 10-01-2005, 05:54 PM   #3
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alarose HB User
Re: please help...a friend...

I just keep hearing (before this) that the last thing you want to do if you wish to keep a friend is tell them to stop seeing a guy. I am afraid that Jill will be upset, and then I won't be able to help. I'm just torn between being afraid of being too motherly (which I know I can be sometimes) and seeing a good friend hurt.

I am also afraid of him physically hurting her. The things I've heard of him from her ... he seems almost obsessed.

 
Old 10-02-2005, 02:19 PM   #4
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alarose HB User
Re: please help...a friend...

ok...so

Lastnight we went out as a group of friends to a bar. SOOO the jerk pulled the whole 'I don't want you going out with your friends' thing...what the heck!?!?!?

So, there is this guy that Jill used to like, and he ended up comming with us also (her boyfriend was invited, but said he didn't want to go because he didn't feel comfortable)> So...he made her feel like complete crap. Told her it was over. Then...this morning he did exactly what I guessed he would (and I told her this).

He made her feel like complete crap, and then he called back and apolgized in a way that made her feel like it was still her fault. Kind of tigthening the line. I am not sure what is she is doing yet? When he called she couldn't talk long because she had to go to play practice.

grrrrrrr!

 
Old 10-02-2005, 04:53 PM   #5
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Jecca1 HB User
Re: please help...a friend...

I hope she will take him up on the breakup, even if he did apologize. It doesn't sound like he meant it, if he is trying to make her feel guilty "like crap". She should take this opportunity to bow out of a bad situation. It sounds like it will get worse if they stay together. She needs to tell him that she has friends and doesn't want to alienate them. Good friends are too hard to come by.

Jecca1

 
Old 10-04-2005, 05:29 PM   #6
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alarose HB User
Re: please help...a friend...

Well, they are still together ...

So...yeah, I was right he did call and apoligise, and even though she isn't admitting it he made her feel guilty. So, they are together. But...get this. She said they are not going to have sex anymore...so far, for the last couple of days they havn't (and she promised to really tell us if htey did). I guess he is being a bit pushy, but mostly keeping the bounderies.

I'm not sure what else I should do? I made her promise to go talk to the guidance counselor here at school (who is very good). So, I think she will get some help that way. I was pretty blunt with her a few nights ago and told her I was worried about her regressing because she was doing so well before this. She said she had thought about that before too.

So...what should I do. Part of me wants to try to give this guy another chance. There isn't much I can do anyway, and I kind of think if she can give him another chance I should also. So, would it be better for me to try to let my friend know that I am also giving him a chance, or ... I don't know.

 
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