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Old 10-02-2005, 04:04 PM   #1
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Cor21 HB User
Depression - Does anyone really understand it?



Hi all,

Can I say I have found this website a blessing lately, You can really open up to a screen in front of you and pour your heart out. Problem is here, where do I start?? You see folks I am well aware I suffer from depression, Its just that no matter how many doctor appointments or people i confide in nothing really seems to life this dark cloud above my head.
Please again bear with me as i try and explain some of the factors that has got me where i am today, and I am really looking for anyone who has been here, or knows of real soloutions to my problems and not quick fixes. I have suffered depression for about 8 years i believe. I am 21 now, so i was obviously very young when this started. To cut a very long story short.... My mother has a drug problem, when i say drugs she is addicted to sleeping pills and has been since my earliest memory around 7. This made home hell, she would sleep through meal times, parents evenings, she never really communicated, our house became a sty, i could never have friends around etc.... To a child it was an awful existance. My saviour was my mothers sister. From birth herslef and her flatmate took me every weekend to give my mother a break, my aunt a former nin never had children and really made my childhood at the weekends special. However During the week life was so very different. My father was always a control freak, he controlled my mother from keeping money, to her where abouts constantly. It is fair to say he was a bully in many ways. I had a great relationship with my father as a young child. I was a right daddys girl, but as i got older and began thinking for myself he resented me. I began to realise that our home life was very different to that of friends and aunties etc... He began to abuse me emotianally by parading my "sick" "junkie" mother around and showing me what a no gooder she was. Life was honestly hell. I have stories to turn you grey.... Anyways life carried on my dad out till 9 at night working and from 3pm i would be left with my zombie mother who blanked life out with a pill. Blanked me out. This carried on till i was about 10. I had been getting severely bullied at school, children beating me and name calling me just because i was not as clean or as well kept as i maybe should have been. I kept that secret for years basically because no one at home really listened and i was ashamed. My aunt and her friend who i also call aunt would take me at weekeds and although i was subdued i would never let on my life monday to friday. The school also became concerned as i craved teachers attention and they noticed children picking on me. My relationship with my father was hell by this point and he referred to me as "Ba*tard" "*****" more often that not. My aunt and mother sat me down and explained this man who was making life hell for me was infact not my father as i was led to believe but my step father. My real father didnt want to know. I was shell shocked. Too young to fully understand at 10, but still, gutted. Life went on and i am not sure whos fault it was but life got worse. My father (step) became worse. He seemed to hate me, my mother got worse with pills and was in and out of hospital, My family became aware of the situation as my mum was locked away for helo alot and along with my bullying life was just awful. Eventually my father made my mother chose between him and me as i was the route of evil and she sent me to my aunts. I was 11. My mother and father carried on, and they often would call me to fight or break promises etc.. on one holiday i went with them and there 2 friends my mother smacked me with an ashtray and a table because after my dad refering to me as "bas*ard" and screaming in my face i told him to shut up. That holiday he refused to give me money for food, and eventually his friends went home early and never spoke to my parents again. This was some of what they were like, The amount of times i found my mother over dosed at bottom of stairs is terrifying. Anyways as i got older i began to go off the rails, with anger and pain. My parents never offered maintenance for me and life was tough for my aunts. They brought me up. I was so envious of friends who got clothes when they needed them. I had £2 a day to spend. £1 on lunch and the other to my aunt to pay the catolgue for my clothes on my back. That was from family allowance. They paid my food etc... life was tough. I was still bullied through high school for being pretty and turning my life around, and even though i was turning into a swan i was still eated by insecurities. I lost my best friend over it. I lost all of them because of it. I was eaten with anger and hatred. So much else happened and there is not enough room to write..... My father died 2 years ago, and my mother still battles with pills. I still battle to let people close to me and life is still dark. My beloved auntie, my saviour passed away 1 yr ago this month and life has got worse and worse. I am now pregnant to my partner, an amazing man, but i dont love him. I am at the darkest time in my life and no one ever understands. My other aunt that brought me up reminds me of my issues constantly and isnt really understanding, She has had enough of me, and who can blame her. I have piled on over 2 stone and quite honestly i dont see the point in my existance.
I have been to my gp and he wants to talk alot, but it helps for a short period and then it is triggered again. My mother makes empty promises or my aunt rubs me up the wrong way. Something happens and again i hit rock bottom
Someone please help, there are alot more issues but too long to list, I need help!
Thank you for ur time
XX Cor
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Old 10-02-2005, 07:48 PM   #2
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Jecca1 HB User
Re: Depression - Does anyone really understand it?

Hello Cor 21,

I am so sorry for all you have had to go through. You are still so young yourself. I have a son, age 21. I can't imagine such a childhood. I will say that I have kept a lot of foster children and they have had horrible ones also, so I can understand some of what you talk about. You have a reason to be depressed and confused. It's a wonder that you weren't taken from your home and put in a foster home, or even adopted. I'm so glad you had Aunts that loved you. I am so sorry for your losses. I know you loved your dad and your aunt.

You sound like a really nice person who deserves to be loved and pampered. I hope you can find the love you deserve and security to go with it. You will have to work through a lot of issues and emotions, I'm sure, so I hope you can do that.

I don't know if you plan to marry the baby's Daddy or not. I don't know if you have a job or are in school or not. I also don't know if you still live with your mother.

You will need good medical care for sure. You need to take good care of yourself and eat good healthy meals. You have a wonderful baby to consider now. You will find that a baby will give you many happy times. They are wonderful to watch grow. They give you so much love. They are so excited to see you when you come home from work or pick them up at a daycare. They are a small, loving person who needs you, and who you are responsible for. I never regreted having children at all. I have two. Do you know what you would like to do? Have you written down your options? Are you considering marrying the man even though you don't totally love him or are you considering raising the baby yourself? Would he make a good father and does he know you're pregnant?

Tell us how you feel and what you are thinking along these lines and I'll try to help you further.

Congratulations on your wonderful news!!

I wish I could throw you a baby shower.

Hugs,

Jecca

 
Old 10-03-2005, 12:42 PM   #3
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nordy HB User
Re: Depression - Does anyone really understand it?

Hi Cor, I am so sorry to hear about all the difficulties you've faced throughout your life, even at such a young age. I can understand how all your childhood experiences have contributed to you being depressed now. There are so many reasons why people become depressed, and how a person is treated in childhood can have a major impact on how they view themselves and the world. But I do believe with all my heart that you don't have to feel this way forever. This is the way I see it.... A child growing up with the kind of negative experiences you had, from both your parents and your peers, is bound to have impacted on their beliefs about life. Maybe the messages you were getting from people was that you weren't good enough or lovable or whatever. Its understandable that you would get those messages because that's the way people were treating you, and that can lead to depression. However, it doesn;t mean that those messages were true, or that you were unlovable (or whatever it is you may feel). Here's an analogy - it's like trying to follow an inaccurate road map to life, written by someone who didn't really know the roads very well (i hope that makes sense?). You sound like a lovely person and its a shame that you grew up with those experiences. But it sounds like your aunts loved you a lot, and probably you parents did (do) too but are too wrapped up in their own problems to show you the way you needed to be shown. Anyway, I suggest that you ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor, someone who can help you come to terms with your expereinces but also find a new way of looking at and dealing with life. I am by no means suggesting that the problem lies within you, but rather that it might help to look at things from a different perspective in order to help you feel better. Anyway, I don't know how you feel about having a baby, but I'd like to say congratulations and wish you all the best.

Keep up the faith that it will get better....

Nordy

 
Old 10-04-2005, 04:58 AM   #4
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 37
susanperks HB User
Re: Depression - Does anyone really understand it?

Hello cor, i have been wondering where you have been, i came to look on this board for help with depression during pregnancy, and i found you. You will most likely remember the things that i said to you, i hope you are ok, i gather from these posts you have ecided to keep your baby, good for you, i know you were struggling with it and everyhting else that was going on, i hope you are getting the well deserved help that you need, please reply to me and let me know you are ok.....................................l ots of love from susan perks (from the pregnancy board)
x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x xx

 
Old 10-04-2005, 05:01 AM   #5
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 37
susanperks HB User
Re: Depression - Does anyone really understand it?

hello again, just to say, that i will help with with as much as i can, especially with the pregnancy side of it, i am going to see a psycologist next week and prob a physcologist as well, i am hoping for some tablets, but being 10 weeks pregnant it is a bit tricky, if i can get through this, i will try and help you, i really took to you when we spoke previous, and id love to hear from you again, with love and light...susan x x

 
Old 10-04-2005, 05:09 AM   #6
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Posts: 37
susanperks HB User
Re: Depression - Does anyone really understand it?

god i am sooooooooooo thick, i meant i am seeing a physciatrist..........and a pyscologist........i am that confused at the moment i don't know if im coming or going!!! sorry x x x

 
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