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Old 10-02-2005, 07:16 PM   #1
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attheendofmyrope HB User
severely depressed, need someone to talk to

I am so sad and depressed and there arentenough words to express how low my mood is right now and has been for several days/weeks.

I have suffered from low grade depression (untreated) all my life but then it turned into major depression after my son was born 2 1/2 years ago. After several suicide attempts,I finally did the whole 'treatment' thing, I went toa psychiatric hospital four times (no help at all, public hospital I was treated like a convicted felon or something). I have been to private counseling with more than one therapist. I have tried several different medicationsbut I dont want to deal with any side effects. I have multiple sclerosis and I dont even take the Betaseron for that because of side effects.

My life was gettingbetter. My depression was improving evenwithout medication (which I went off of over a year ago). But now my physical health and my marriage has declined to the point I honestly dont even want to be alive anymore. I dont have any active suicidal plan I just wish I would go to sleep and not wake up.

I havefour children and I'm not being a good example to them.I get the older ones up and get them to school and go backto bed. I spend most of the day in the bed sleeping or on the couch. Not only that but I take sleeping medicine even during the day to block out the internal pain that I feel. I use sleep as an escape. I of course dont do this when I'm alone with my child(ren) but when someone else keeps them or when my husband is home I'm completely 'out of it". I used to self-injure (cut arms) as well but that was really becoming a bad influence on my children and I was afraid they would pick up that behavior so I somehow managedto gain control over that impulse.

I dont know what to do. I dont know where to turn or who to talk to. I cant call one of those suicide hotlines because I'm not actively suicidal and not in need of immediate medical attention. Im alone with my children right now and as I stated before, I never do anything (to myself) while I am responsible for them because I wouldnt be able to live with myself if anything happened while I was 'out'.

I've never thought of myself as having a drug addiction...I dont think I have an addiction however I do go to several different doctors (with different complaints) and different pharmacies in order to acquire medications that are sedating (doesnt matter which one as longas it knocks me out cold). Obviously I am using the pills as a means of escape.

everyone on the outside looking in sees this normal all american family. my husband is a firefighter. I am a stay at home mom and we have four children that are active in MANY activities. Nobody knows the pain,nobody understands the depths ofmy emotions and the fog I live in everyday.

This is a short list of the things that havewent wrong in the last few months. I have been hospitalized five times (for medical reasons).

June 2-5 inpatient at hospital because of episodes of fainting. heartrate was in the 30'sand 40's.They couldnt find the reason so they sent me back home with no answers.

June 9-14 inpatient hospital total abdominal hysterectomy. I had been suffering from severe pelvic pain and heavy bleeding for years. Had a fever and stomach and bladder problems after the surgery thats why I had to stay so many days. recovery was excruciating.

August 16-19th inpatient hospital in ICU. collapsed again this time heart rate dropping into the 20's. Still no answers as to why. After MUCH MUCH MUCH discussion finally agreed to a pacemaker to keep from losing my drivers license but had a very bad, rebellious attitude and refused to do what I needed to do to recover sooo...

September 15th-18th inpatient hospital AGAIN because I pulled one of my pacemaker wires out (probably because of lifting my 2 year old so much so frequently after the original surgery)

September 20-sent to larger hosptial next town over for outpatient surgery to fix the lead wire that was out of place. Now I'm having to go through the recovery process all over againand still tempted to 'NOT' do what the doctors say so that maybe my heart does just stop.

September 28th-husbandloses second job which contributed $1,000 a month to our income because of missing too much work from me being sick for so long. (MAJOR guilt issues here)

So here I am lonely sad and depressed and I cant even take sleeping medicine to get it all out of my mind because my husband is at work tonight.

I really need someone to talk to and dont have anyone so the internet is it.

Staci

 
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Old 10-02-2005, 08:23 PM   #2
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Jecca1 HB User
Re: severely depressed, need someone to talk to

I am so sorry that you are going through a rough time. You have a lot to live for with four children. Children are wonderful.

If your heartbeat has been slow off and on, that would make you depressed and tired.

With your medical issues, I wish you had some help around the house. Your husband is probably tired also.

I'm glad that you're trying to do the right thing for your children by not cutting and other things. I know that you want to be a good mom. I hope you will try to get off the sleeping pills as they are addictive and make you miss out on life. You need to be alert at all times for the children's sakes. They need you. You are their world.

Please find some help to get off the pills and get back on the road to feeling better and enjoying life with your children and husband. Get out in the sunshine. Feed yourself with positive thoughts and don't focus on any negatives. Ask for help from anyone you trust.

Hugs,

Jecca

 
Old 10-02-2005, 09:27 PM   #3
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Location: NC, USA
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Samantha317 HB User
Re: severely depressed, need someone to talk to

Hi Staci
No wonder you are depressed. Anyone with that many physical problems is going to go through depression.

It's a huge responsibility to have 4 children and be a stay at home mom. It's not an easy job.

I wonder if you aren't getting even more depressed because of the sleeping pills. It sounds like you haven't found a good doctor that really listens to you and takes your problems seriously. There is no doubt that you need some *good* professional help.

There are a lot of good caring people on this board. I hope you keep posting and seek the support here.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

Hugs and love,
Sam

 
Old 10-02-2005, 09:48 PM   #4
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*Versailles* HB User
Re: severely depressed, need someone to talk to

I'm so sorry. Reading a lot of your posting reminds me of the pain I go through myself....but it seems like having four children to love would be a great thing. I don't have children and having endometriosis and a fear of men, I probably never will.

I'm sorry things are so hard for you. I'm here to listen if you need to talk...

-Angel

 
Old 10-02-2005, 11:30 PM   #5
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attheendofmyrope HB User
Re: severely depressed, need someone to talk to

thanks for responding. my children are my ONLY joy and my ONLY reason to try to fight this...otherwise I wouldnt . They are 10, 7,6,and 2 and totally dependent on me.

I'm sure the sleeping pills, Vicodin, and Xanax isnt helping my depression any.

Staci

 
Old 10-03-2005, 01:19 AM   #6
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attheendofmyrope HB User
Re: severely depressed, need someone to talk to

okay so it is 4 a.m. and I'm still sitting here wide awake. I've tried everything except pills to get to sleep. Usually the nights my husband is on duty I wont take anything especially once it gets this late (early) because I have to get the kids ready for school in only 2 1/2 hours so here I sit bawling my eyes out and shaking so bad I feel like I'm literally having a nervous breakdown. I'm really tempted to go ahead and take somethingbut I dont want the kids to be late for school and if I take something now even 1/2 a sleeping pill I probably will still be sleeping when dh gets home at 8:30 in the morning and school starts at 7:45.

I absolutely hate this. the depression and anxiety is so bad I feel physically sick, like I'm going to just have a heart attack any second. With having to have a pacemaker at my age and all of my health problems I guess it's a legitimate fear but I have already been to the ER with my chest pain and other symptoms several times since getting the PM and they said everything was fine and it was just a panic attack which is really embarrassing.

I have this empty hole inside of me and I dont know why. Yes, I have physical problems, I have a lot of pain but I dont think that is the sole reason for my depression. I feel alone. I'm shy and dont make friends easily in person. I feel like this heavy fog is closing in on me fast and I cant breathe. My marriage has been on the rocks for a couple of years now. The only reason we're still together is because of the kids. I'm not physically or emotionally capable of caring for them on my own right now and that makes me feel like crap. I'm their mother. I should always be there for them and I try to be but I'm so worn out I just want to give up so bad.

I cant though because it's not the big things in life that matter, it's the little things like my 6 year old dd is going to be an angel in the Nutcracker production in December. Three of the four children have birthdays coming up. I have to be here for. My husband doesnt even have a clue how to match their clothes and there's no way he could even begin to manage the household schedule and the money so I cant leave. I have to stick around and I have to fight this but it's so HARD!!!!

The next few days are going to be critical to see if I slip farther down into this quicksand or manage to pull myself out. I hope to make some friends here cause I dont have anybody to help encourage me or even just listen.

Staci

 
Old 10-03-2005, 01:29 AM   #7
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attheendofmyrope HB User
Re: severely depressed, need someone to talk to

btw-does anyone know any phone lines in the USA you can call if you're severely depressed but not suicidal? I wish I could actually talk to someone without fear of the cops showing up at the door since I'm not at immediate risk. last time I tried calling the 1800suicide number just to talk and she said she couldnt talk to me, only refer me to local agencies (which doesnt have an after hours number unless it's an emergency)

 
Old 10-04-2005, 12:48 PM   #8
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attheendofmyrope HB User
Re: severely depressed, need someone to talk to

anybody else got any suggestions? I'm still a mess and came real close to going to the hospital today and telling them how bad it is but I decided not to because of the kids.

 
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