Ok, I figure I can give you all some info on myself. I Have mood swings, and I am generally not a happy person. I sit home all the time, I don't want to go out, I don't even want to call my friends on the phone. I just stay home, watch TV or work on my website. ( I am 23) I am uncomftorble going out in public ( because I am a heffer ) It has been hard for me to lose weight and I am convinced that being unhappy and stressed is not helping me lose weight when I do try. But that is besides the point. My parents were never that "close" couple. We never went on family vacations, and very rarley did anything as a family. While going through HS, I didn't really notice too much, I was going out and doing my own thing with friends, was having a great time. My senior year, I noticed how my dad wasn't coming home, or if he decided to come home he was drunk. I couldn't stand it. At that time, we were going to be moving a few towns over and it was decided that my mom and I would move into a new house, and my dad was going to live with his Girlfriend. He would come home sometimes drunk and I would cry myself to sleep because I hated him so much for drinking all the time and I couldn't wait to move. When we did move, he never seems me or calls me, I would call him, but decided why should I be the one to always make an effort, so I stopped. He doesn't call me, doesn't stop in to see me, nothing. I mean we see each other on birthdays and holidays, and ocassionally in the middle, but that is it. I never had anyone to talk to about it. I just kept everything inside.
I am always second to my older sister, she is obviously the favorite. Even people that are not in my family can see that. I have been trying to distance myself from all of them. Everytime they ask me to do something I don't go. Why should I go, so I can get ignored the whole time? I mean come on..
My grandfather who I was close with passed away 2 years ago. I don't think I completely got over that. I feel so sad because he was staying at our house because there was better healthcare around where I live than where my granparents lived. We but him in a nursing/rehabilitation home ( to help him walk better) for a little while, for therapy. He then came home to live with us. Everyone was saying that he didn't have too much time left. I didn't want to believe it. I kept saying he was fine. I should have been in there talking with Him more. I would go in every day before work and just sit with him. He was totally out of it. Hospice gave us this book on the "stages of dying" He as on the no longer speaking stage. I remember telling him I loved him, and he said I love you too. It was so hard for him to say it but he did. I should have been in there more often with him. I am like sitting here crying as I type this because I feel so bad.
I will stop typing now. This may not make sense since I was just rambling, but maybe someone can give me advice or something if you can find a point in all of that typing.
