Re: going to the hospital
I am sure that you have probably tried many methods of stopping yourself from doing this, but at present without success, is there anything at all that you can think of that might bring you a little relief? Is there no one you can talk to at all, to get some of the worst feelings out in the open? Or perhaps you can write it all down somewhere? Maybe you have already found that this is not so helpful...
The thing is, if going to the hospital helps you and it something you feel you really need then maybe you can explain it like that to your children - you have an illness and you need treatment, you are fighting this the best you can but we all need help sometimes with illness, that is what the hospital is for.
I know that guilt often comes along with all this, we feel that our problems are impacting badly on the lives of those around us, but putting off treatment for the sake of others is not the best way to go as it does not solve the underlying problem. Short-term it is better for your children but long term it isn't because you are still suffering from the illness and find that at some other point later you may have to go into hospital anyway - perhaps more urgently and at an even more inconvenient time.
good luck, I hope you recieve the treatment you need
all the best