| | Why Won't It End?
I am writing this because I really need someones help. It is past 2 in the morning. I haven't been asleep yet. I was in bed, but I have been suffering insomnia lately. I had my second baby in March. A week after that, my niece, was diagnosed with chronic end stage kidney failure. She is only 14. Shortly after that, I decided not to go back to my job, even though it paid more than my husbands. I threw myself into trying to take care of my two kids and also trying to raise money for my niece, as her family is very poor, and in a situation that would put financial strain on a wealthy family. My husband and I decided to move back to his childhood home in another state, because his grandparents said we could live there frre until we sold our home. He went to live and find wirk there and was gone for 3 months, only home on the weekends. I think this is where I began to go downhill. My milk dried up and I was forced to start my daughter on formula. I started not sleeping, because there were no hours in the day to get everything done. Now we are living in this house that I hate, in a new State, near a big city that worries me about all the terrorists and stuff. My husband is only making $8 an hour now. We don't have any money. My Ebay profits are getting eaten up by the fees. I am still trying to get money for my niece. My sister was just told that with a cadaever kidney, my niece would live 10 years at the most, but that she is so critaical, that she may not make it to get a transplant. She is my baby niece. I love her so much and she is going to die. I can't live with that. My marriage is suffering. He doesn't understand what I am going through. He doesn't understand why the laundry isn't done, why the dished aren't done and why I am not sleeping at night. He accused me of not loving him. I can't take it anymore. And my cousin just was told that her husband has 6 months to live. I haven't been able to call her. I just can't right now. And now I think she is mad at me. She thinks I don't care. I just can't think straight right now. Sometimes I think if I just let the water overtake me when I am showering. I don't even shower that often right now. I don't know if subconsciencly it is because I really think I would go through with it. Lately, I have even been dreaming of divorce. I am a christian and don't want that. But, I just can't make the bills go away and the pain and the guilt for feeling this way when my niece is the one dieing and my cousins husband is the one dieing. And I fear that I am not being the mother I want to be. Please...any advise or opinions about if this is depression or just too much pain right now. What can I do. Diet and excercise isn't going to make this pain go away.