Hi. This looks like a really generous, caring community. I'm excited to be posting.
I'm a seventeen year old high school senior, and I've been suffering from depression for, I think, most of my life. I suffered a severe crash this summer, and I'm still experiencing its horrific, lasting effects. I'm applying to college currently, which is a huge source of anxiety and pain, and I'm about to start a new job. I feel terribly scared and alone. I started taking Prozac and Seroquel about two weeks ago...we'll see. This is very difficult to write; I apologize for my ineloquence. I've been having a terrible time since school started this fall. I set my alarm clock for two hours before I actually need to wake to give myself ample time for the terrifying process of getting out of bed, but it's often not enough and I find myself missing school. Showers are agonizing, the water is oppressive. I've been sleeping on the floor ever since I became afraid of my mattress a few months ago. I can't concentrate. I can't write, think, speak. I'm an actor, and it's felt almost impossible to work since this latest crash. I used to wear beautiful clothes and makeup to school, now I wear baggy jeans and t-shirts. I used to constantly participate in class, now I find myself paralyzed with fear if a teacher calls on me. I used to do well on tests, write beautiful essays, be a generally good student. I seem to have lost the ability to read. I have no short term memory. I'm full of fear and I lack any semblance of hope and...I don't know.
Wow, indeed!! No one has ever described their shower experience and getting out of bed quite so eloquently before. I am serious, you have a gift of writing and it described EXACTLY how I feel. It takes hours to get ready and I stand in the shower and cry. I used to wear makeup even to the store. I wouldn't go out of the house without makeup. Now, I don't even bother.
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. My heart aches for you, sweetie.
Do you have a therapist? I hope your meds start helping soon.
I hope you keep posting. There are a lot of caring people here.
Hi Jenny, welcome, you do i must admit have a flair for language. If you can't go to a therapist is there councilling done at your school? Mine offers it (not that i go) and i know a few that do. Hope is one of the hardest things to find, but posting and sharing is the first step - it gives us hope in you. Come back soon
Well good luck with finding a therapist, and with the meds, I'm sure they'll make a difference one they've had some time to kick in. What sort of acting do you do - or what do you prefer doing? Hope you're having a good weekend.
I work predominantly in experimental theatre and puppetry, Flinch. Physical theatre is my passion. My weekend's been, well...crap, honestly. It's hard. It's all so hard. I just finished reading a wonderful book and I'm currently experiencing this awful feeling that I always have upon finishing really wonderful books that I am somehow enlightened and can't go on living my life the way I have up to this point, and yet I have no idea what I ought to alter. I'm also sad it's done; I'll miss it. I've been having trouble standing up straight lately. I miss that. It's only saturday though, right? There's always tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow will be a little better?
It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life right now with school, checking out colleges, a new job. Btw,does your job involve theatre work?
I've also read books that make me think, Wow! That's a great idea or what a wonderful philosophy, I'm going to give that a try. But after I'm done with the book, I just can't seem to get it together to make it happen.
Just wanted to say welcome and hope your tomorrows will be better than today.
Hi there, sorry to hear your saturday was bad, but like you said we have to look for a better tomorrow don't we. I know what you mean about the books, you suddenly see a new way of living and all the possibilities and then the reality never keeps up.
There's some wierd and wonderful things going on in that part of theatre, although i don't get to see much of it - I'm a dancer myself. A lot of it comes to our theatre though, I remember I tried to get tickets to see a piece called The Garden but couln't co-ordinate.
Anyhow what book was it? Currently I'm missing a book called I capture the castle, which was "borrowed" a long time ago and not returned. I think the Anne Rice books always give me the feeling you described tho.
Here's hoping for a better tomorrow.
Ah i did wonder why the name change. I even use a different screen name to any of my other boards. A friend of mine was offered an apprenticeship at the globe, and she turned it down to work at out local!!! I thought she was mad, but then I guess it's a lot of people she knows.
Jenny / Eostre,
You have inspired me to pick up Gaiman's novel at the library and gulp it down! It is really a great book, both on the private and epic scale.
Thank you for ponting to it!
Flinch, it's almost uncanny that you mentioned I Capture the Castle (I'm yet to read it) the very same day as a friend of mine listed it as the best girl coming of age book of all times! Whoever borrowed it from you must have a great taste! (but awfully bad manners!)