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Old 10-08-2005, 03:06 PM   #1
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A letter to my past

I do not remember you very well as you are buried behind brick walls. I remember the night coming and being very afraid. I remember the night waking up at midnight to the commotion in another room and carefully peeking through the door and seeing the paremedics trying to restart my fathers heart. This is when my childhood seized to exist as I realized those close to me could disappear in an instant, I was eleven. I remember my father coming home from the hospital a diffrent man, he became more angry over the smallest things. I remember the nightmares of someone coming into my room when I was so small, to this day I do not know who it was but lord help them if I ever find out, I remember the beatings, the wooden spoons the leather belts, the clenched fists. I remember the drugs and alcohol I used to bury the past and it worked for awhile. I remember the series of girlfriends who thought they could save me from myself, when they realized they couldn't they quickly left, I remember the girlfriends who I cared deeply for but it was easier to let them go instead of becoming too atached. I remember looking in the mirror and never liking what I saw, I remember finishing second in many competitions but it was never good enough for those around me, I remember the first time the razor hit my wrist, I remember the nights I took too many pills. I wish there was a way where I could start my life over knowing what I know now. maybe then I can see the world in a positive light, maybe I would know how to love myself, maybe then I could sleep peacefully through the night. Maybe someday I can remember my past fully and piece it back together and maybe then everything will make sense.

 
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Old 10-09-2005, 03:29 PM   #2
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Re: A letter to my past

my doctor asked me if I felt cursed and to be quite honest I really did not understand the question so I said no. But maybe I should have answered yes, for I believe my past is keeping me from going on to do big and better things.

But maybe my destiny is to live in this darken world where nothing really makes any sense. I am not sure why I titled this thread a letter to my past for it is more in what I remember or think I remembered.

I read the majority of the posts in this forum and there is days when I think it is being counter productive to me being healthy again. For when all you see is sorrow and pain how can you find health and happiness. I see teenangers who post briefly how they are mad at their parents for not letting them use the car for that big date on Friday night. But I have also seen people who been to the depths of hell and are still able to function and help complete strangers.

I don't compare my depression to any one elses for the basic reason is I have not walked a mile in anyone elses shoes but my own. I can tell you my shoes are dirty, torn up and have way to many miles of difficult roads worn into them but yet I keep walking

This post is just a place for me to spew what happens to be running through my mind at the moment so forgive me if it makes no sense

 
Old 10-09-2005, 10:51 PM   #3
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Re: A letter to my past

Quote:
Originally Posted by trg247
But maybe my destiny is to live in this darken world where nothing really makes any sense.


What you call your destiny is actually the result of your past actions.

If you call this your destiny this means you accept things like they are which is tragic for your future.

Since you're not satisfied with your present situation change the way you've been dealing with things from today on. You will get good and bad results but at least you will take control of your life again.

 
Old 10-10-2005, 12:02 AM   #4
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Re: A letter to my past

How can one change the way their brain processes thoughts, behaviors and beliefs that have been engrained over 31 years. Sure it is possible with time but everyday requires a fight to keep from falling deeper into the hole of depression. 30mg of Remeron, 50mg of Paxil, 7.5mg of Zoplicone and 1mg of Xanax just to get me to the point I am now which is anything but stable.

I do not mean to sound negative or come off to harshly but right now my reality is chaos and it is very difficult to see tomorrow in a positive light when it takes all of my strength to get through today in anything but the darkness I struggle with.

 
Old 10-10-2005, 12:57 AM   #5
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Re: A letter to my past

Quote:
Originally Posted by trg247
I don't compare my depression to any one elses for the basic reason is I have not walked a mile in anyone elses shoes but my own. I can tell you my shoes are dirty, torn up and have way to many miles of difficult roads worn into them but yet I keep walking

This post is just a place for me to spew what happens to be running through my mind at the moment so forgive me if it makes no sense
There is no way to compare my depression to yours, not exactly. We are all trying to make some kind of sense of it all.

If it helps you to "spew" what happens to be running through your mind, then by all means, "spew" away.

Best wishes,
Sam

Last edited by Samantha317; 10-10-2005 at 01:04 AM.

 
Old 10-10-2005, 05:57 AM   #6
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Re: A letter to my past

Hi there,
Sounds like really rough times, I am sorry for what you are going thru.
I wish I could be able to be there and offer some kind of comfort but as usual all I have is the letters on the keyboard to try and offer whatever I can.
It is terrible how over a lifetime, thru the things we have gone thru that it is so hard to change. We want to move forwards, we want to let go of old memories and feelings that haunt us but a lifetime seems to have ingrained these things in us so that they are practically knee jerk reactions - changing a lifetimes habit is extremely difficult.

I find that I often dislike who I am, I cannot control my thoughts, feelings and reactions. I long to be another person or to somehow make massive changes in myself. I long to be someone better.

I think that is where I can begin at least, it is a noble trait that I think you have too - longing to be better, you can see your faults and admit to them, if you could, you would really do something about it - that is something. But also consider what you have been thru in life, you have done the best that you could with what life has presented you. You are a survivor, you got thru those terrible times, it may not have been pretty at times, you may find there is much you regret or that didn't turn out as you had hoped for but you survived thru it all. It is ok that you are struggling with it, the rest of the world seems to have a problem with people who aren't ok, people don't seem to understand when we aren't shiny happy people all the time and that also really doesn't help and probably explains a little of why so many people are finding it hard to cope.

Keep posting, keep writing it all down, when you are feeling at your worst, please try and find someone to turn to, even if it is just a helpline or something, don't go thru it alone. I hope that better times will come your way...
all the best

 
Old 10-10-2005, 05:17 PM   #7
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Re: A letter to my past

Quote:
Originally Posted by trg247
How can one change the way their brain processes thoughts, behaviors and beliefs that have been engrained over 31 years. Sure it is possible with time but everyday requires a fight to keep from falling deeper into the hole of depression. 30mg of Remeron, 50mg of Paxil, 7.5mg of Zoplicone and 1mg of Xanax just to get me to the point I am now which is anything but stable.

I do not mean to sound negative or come off to harshly but right now my reality is chaos and it is very difficult to see tomorrow in a positive light when it takes all of my strength to get through today in anything but the darkness I struggle with.
Sorry if I sounded harsh with my earlier post.

What I meant is that the medical treatment you have followed to this day has led you to the mental state you're having now.

If you keep this treatment you can't expect other things than more or less the same (and to be honest I would expect less beneficial effects and more painful side-effects).

On the other hand if you are open to new strategies to beat depression I'll tell you my treatment. It is very efficient and totally safe.

But I will write it only if you are motivated to try something new.

 
Old 10-10-2005, 06:30 PM   #8
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Re: A letter to my past

When I started the med program I am now I had a panic attack at work which was followed by another attack a few days later. I did what I was suppose to do and went to the doctor and he prescribed celexa and the zoplicone as the month past the side effects from the Celexa were to severe to continue with so I switched to paxil. Somewhere around this time I was also taking clonipane but it was not effective. Two months of self harm and severe suicidal thoughts continued as the medication increased to my current meds which was stated earlier in this thread.

Now I am in a search to what to do next, I am in counselling and I am being med compliant yet I have days like this where it is very difficult to look forward to the future. I needed a place where I can just release the thoughts that are bugging me so I created a post to do so.

I am obvious not going to relay all of the thoughts in my head as it would not be productive and to be quite honest a lot of them would send up a fear flag in front of a lot of peoples faces as when my depression truly strikes hard it is not a pretty site.

I thank you all for responding and I do truly appreciate the positive thoughts and wishes

 
Old 10-10-2005, 09:26 PM   #9
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Re: A letter to my past

Its been a long day and I can not really pinpoint why. Everything seems to be getting to me today so I am slowly retreating back into my little cocoon and try to do the bare mininum. I realized today that I really do not understand what is going on and seem to be getting more and more disconnected with reality.

Today I found myself looking at my wrists, feeling the old scars and it was almost comforting. I have done real good in the last two months with no new cuts, no more drawing blood, no more purposely engaging in pain to see if it would snap me back to reality, wake up my brain and realize what the hell I was doing to myself but knowing it would never work. I use to have days where I would wait for hours to be alone, just so I could slide the knife across my veins. Now the thoughts are still there but I don't do it for I know people are looking for a reason to put me in the hospital where I definately don't want to be

I look through the forums and read what everyone writes and I hope they get better and get the help that they need, for that is my nature to try and assist those who are in need. Yet my body, mind and soul are crying out for help and I refuse to listen. Refuse to accept the fact that I am losing this fight. refuse to accept the fact my life may never return to what it was. Maybe that is a good thing maybe this is a way of the higher power telling me I am doing something wrong and need to make a change.

Sleep is a funny thing these days when I started the Remeron a few weeks ago I fell asleep within ten minutes. Now I can take the pills at midnight and be lucky to be tired enough to go to bed by 4am. Strange things these pills are, how one day they can perform and the next day not show up at all.

People ask on diffrent forums when do you know when your meds are working. I use to think the answer was simple "you just feel better" now the answer seems a lot more complicated for it is hard to see through the medication fog to truly know if you are improving or the meds are making things blurry so it is hard to tell.

Thats it for tonight, take care and have a good night/morning

 
Old 10-11-2005, 11:04 PM   #10
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Re: A letter to my past

Another crappy day, woke up with a splitting headache that went away after I took my xanax, gee I wonder if there is a connection. Called up another counselling place that is suppose to have a good reputation so looking forward to another intial assesment, hope they catch me on a good day or maybe it would be more benificial if I was having a bad day. Small things to worry about when your trying to fall asleep. My wife caught me playing with my wrist today, which was odd for I did not realizing I was doing it. Just gently slidding my fingernail across old scars, habit maybe hope it is not a warning sign for something thats on the horizon...have enough scars don't really need anymore.

thinking today, which I really need to stop doing, on what I am going to do with the rest of my life as the docs and I have to a conclusion Social Work is not for me anymore. But maybe I could do it again, this medication I am taking is suppose to cure all, reconnect those wires in the brain that are misfiring. I was good at what I did, help enough kids get through very difficult times, reached the kids who the system labeled unreachable. Oh well maybe the answer to my future is right in front of my eyes I just can't see it through this fog.

Feel quite hyper right now which means the darn xanax has worn off so the headache should be coming on soon...the one thing in my life that is predictable. Difficult writing this little entry tonight as I have a two second attention span. Thought about calling my doctor today and saying alright I need a long rest, admit me to the hospital but changed my mind moments later.

Paranoid thoughts are coming back, think people are talking about me, conspiring against me. I know they are not but can't get the darn thoughts out of my head. Thinking about the call I need to make to my old therapist tomorrow to tell her she is being replaced, don't really want to answer any questions as to why.

Think that is it for me tonight, so hope all is well and have a good night and a good day

 
Old 10-12-2005, 01:39 PM   #11
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Re: A letter to my past

I am with you on this one. Today is another in a chain of rotten days that have permeated my existance for so long. I have done all the depression drugs and the therapy and everything that someone else tells you will work. And it doesn't. I was kind of hoping that I could glean a bit of sympathy in life from anywhere and maybe that wallowing enough would make it so that I got up and said, okay - enough already. There's nothing wrong.
But a few days later, as usual there still is.
I surely wish that someone would get a deperession drug that actually works - or perhaps a lobotomy. I am sorry if I'm ranting here, I'll certianly commesurate if you'd like.

I appreciate that rose has something nice to say to you and geez, i wish I had someone saying that in my head all day long, the attempt to get up and funtion is getting harder as the years go by.

 
Old 10-13-2005, 12:05 AM   #12
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Re: A letter to my past

I have a problem speaking with my wife right now and over the last few months for a variety of different reasons. The biggest one would be I do not want her to worry, even though I know that she does and it is hard for me to verbalize what I am going through. So I am going to post it here and maybe tomorrow she will see it and hopefully understand what I am dealing with.
1. Mentaly and Physically I am tired- I can sleep for twelve hours and it will feel like ten minutes and it is taking its toll
2. Paranoid thinking - I still think you are talking about me when you and (A) are in another room or you two are in the same room as I but I can not clearly hear what you are saying.
3. Self Harm - I think about this everyday and the more down day it is the more intense the thoughts are.
4. Suicidal ideations- I think about it almost everyday but the reason I do not is because of you and our child
5. Various Thoughts- I keep thinking that you will leave me and truly I could not blame you if you did. Its not fair that someone has to deal with what you do on a regular basis.
6. Depression - The illness itself is kicking my butt, it is so hard to get myself into a positive state and some days I just don't have the energy.
7. Other Questions I deal with - I don't know what your work is going to be like and your schedule is going to change or not. I want you to get full time hours and be happy with your career and I do not want to stand in the way of it.

I just want to use this post and apologize for the stress I am bringing to you and the home. My biggest goal in life was to be a good father and a good husband and right now I am neither. Please hang on for a while longer, if it means checking myself in to save our family that is what I will do.

Sorry for turning this post so personal

 
Old 10-13-2005, 09:59 AM   #13
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Re: A letter to my past

How would I know if any of this is what you wanted to hear, but I'll offer it up anyways, since I'm here with you, feeling the same way. I'm older now, my children are old enough to take care of themselves. It looks like you have a young child or a baby.
Everynight take the baby and play, put on some music that seems uplifting, maybe Celine Dion or Ragaee or something like that. Try to do an hour of 'exercise' before you go to bed, make sure you get an hour of sunlight everyday, and if you can go out of the house for 30 mins every night, maybe a stroll with the babe. I downloaded something on mP3 from Tony Robbins, that was about positive thinking, it worked for me for a while, try that. Journaling is good too. this is a good place to keep journaling if you have the inclination. Hope this helps out. I will check in later.

Even though you feel so depressed, I appreciate your notes, it is helping me feel like I'm not all alone. I hope it helps you too.

 
Old 10-13-2005, 03:52 PM   #14
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Re: A letter to my past

My wife read my post, she was a little bit curious as in why I would post here instead of writing her a letter. In the least it has opened the door to communication. I have tried all the relaxation techniques and they do help to a point when I am having a "good" day. I use this thread as a way to just free write and see what comes out. Some days I write and am quite opens on others I force myself to write and I carefully guard what I am saying, which tends to beat the point and I realize this. I realize I need a lot more help then I am getting and I am to blame for some if not all of that. As a former social workers I know the danger signs they are looking for so I tend to downplay their answers to lower my risk. I did tell my psych I felt I was getting ready to bottom out and I don't believe he thought I was serious. I am not sure how to bring the psych to work with me on the same level. I don't know how to verbalize the pain I have to deal with on a ongoing basis.

Excess1973 I appreciate the thoughts and ideas, believe me we are definately not alone in this

Terry

 
Old 10-13-2005, 04:27 PM   #15
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Re: A letter to my past

just wanna let u know i feel a lot of things u r going through. I can only offer sympathy. I thought i was getting better, but my brain tells me different....spiralling downwards even though i'm trying my best not to...not a good place......

offering u big hugs (but no constuctive help - sorry!)

r12las

 
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