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Old 10-12-2005, 09:25 PM   #1
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*Versailles* HB User
Unhappy I hate who I've become....

Hi everyone...it's just me again....yacking on and on about the meaningless things that make up my life...

I'm just having a really bad week. I having self-injured in almost two weeks and I feel so numb and lifeless that it is tearing me apart. I want to do it so bad...but what is worse? I don't know. Plus I've been sick for like ever...and I'm just so tired of it all.

To make things worse...I ran out of my ADD medicine and got really overly hyper tonight and was making a lot of noise and got in trouble for it. I hate being rude....but sometimes it seems like it is beyond my control. It's not like I don't care about it, I just do it...without thinking...then I feel so bad. I went in the bathroom and cried my eyes out and now I just feel sooooo bad. I wish I could just get over all of this..........

 
Old 10-12-2005, 11:47 PM   #2
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Re: I hate who I've become....

Hey there, don't go hurting yourself more than you are already, you put into words something I've been trying to "so numb and lifeless it's tearing me apart" what happened this week?
Hope your throat thing's getting betteras well as verything else, I wish i could come out and look after you. Make sure you get some more meds today, don't feel too bad - your heart is being held prisoner in a body that needs some manners - no-one can think badly of you for that especially not yourself ok?
Nothing you want to say is meaningless.
Lots of love and hugs.
xxxxx

 
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Old 10-13-2005, 06:31 AM   #3
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Unhappy Re: I hate who I've become....

Thanks once again Flinch....I know how frustrating it probably is to deal with me. I know how difficult I can be. I broke my self-injuring anyway. I got ticked off last night and slammed a metal cart into my foot....but I didn't hurt it that bad, so it's okay....at least I'm not cutting anymore (at least not in a while).

I'm just really frustrated with my broken body. It is like the cell that holds me prisoner to it....with no escape...just chains rattling and weights strapped to my ankles that bear me down. I try to fly.....but my wings are broken and have not the strength to lift me from this dark hole.

I would want nothing more than to just fall asleep....and never awake...and it sucks knowing I can't have it my way. I've lost all faith in ever having a quality life....I don't think it will ever happen. I'm way beyond any help that can be given to me....I don't believe there is any medicine or treatment that will ever help me change....and I don't think I can ever be happy without changing...

ARRGGGHH....and I'm sooooo tired of being in pain!!!

 
Old 10-13-2005, 07:17 AM   #4
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Re: I hate who I've become....

Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkAngel28

I'm just really frustrated with my broken body. It is like the cell that holds me prisoner to it....with no escape...just chains rattling and weights strapped to my ankles that bear me down. I try to fly.....but my wings are broken and have not the strength to lift me from this dark hole.

I would want nothing more than to just fall asleep....and never awake...and it sucks knowing I can't have it my way. I've lost all faith in ever having a quality life....I don't think it will ever happen. I'm way beyond any help that can be given to me....I don't believe there is any medicine or treatment that will ever help me change....and I don't think I can ever be happy without changing...

ARRGGGHH....and I'm sooooo tired of being in pain!!!

My dear friend DarkAngel,

Itís me. You know the crazy guy here? I truly wish I could reach out to and BE there for sooo many here but I canít. Yet you know you always have me here too at whatever capacity I can be. You know dear, I did and still do suffer from many of the same problems as you. I too had issues with friends and sick family members to add to my physical and mental pains. I know that just saying this to you doesnít help much. Yet for me it helps a little from everyone. You are an inspiration to me! You and so many others here. Each one has a story or a piece of something in their own life that I can identify with as some crazy piece of a crazy puzzle. You know what I mean? YOU TOO! On days I feel so isolated I look at you and others and know I am truly not alone. This helps me a lot!!!

You want to fly???!!! As I say to others here all the time itís like Peter Pan!!! We need to find those happy thoughts!!! THINK SWEET FRIEND!!! Sometimes I sit down with a fresh clean piece of paper and a favorite pen. I think back of my childhood, my funny experiences in life. Happy times with friends and family. Things in life or nature. BIG things and SMALL things too. Actually I will tell you a secret. I thought of this one on my own. My head doctors freak when I tell them this. I have a fresh book like that for each of many feelings. Happy, sad, mad, hurt, and even a medical journal for pains too. When I capture a new happy memory I go write it down. When I capture a new sad one I write it down too. For me at least it helps me to sort too many of my feelings at times. Anger is my red note book. When Iím at my wits end and run out of precious fuel. When all my strength faith and hope are almost gone. I sometimes open my favorite color happy note book and smile at what I have wrote. Memories from long ago too! I find my ďhappy thoughts!Ē For me anyway, it mends my broken wings and helps me to take flight once again!!! Eagle or Seagull!!! Makes no difference!!!

I hope there is something here to help you sweet friend.

Hugs love and prayers dear Angel

John

Last edited by Johnster; 10-13-2005 at 07:25 AM.

 
Old 10-13-2005, 07:57 AM   #5
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Re: I hate who I've become....

Actually the funny thing is I'm afraid of heights...so maybe I should think of more grounded dreams...lol. Anyway, I really don't think writing about my childhood would make me feel better as I seriously had a sh***y childhood...but having happy and sad books is a cool idea...I would have never thought of that on my own...that is friggin awesome! You are so inventive!

Anyway, as soon as I get my new throat condition figured out I'll probably be feeling a lot better. So I'm hoping to get it figured out soon. You know what they say..."when it rains in pours!" It just hasn't stopped raining yet. I'm waiting for the sun to break through the clouds to give me a glance of hope again....then I'll be back on track....if even for just a day...

Yours truly,
your friend,
Angel

 
Old 10-13-2005, 08:12 AM   #6
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Johnster HB User
Re: I hate who I've become....

Fly however you choose dear friend. Just do Fly!!! My happy book started with anything fun or funny. Even a good joke. Sometimes someone I care about who could make me smile. Even just a name! I list songs and concerts too!!!

As for the rain. I'm posting a song I posted before about this. Some make lemon aid with lemons. I just say "LET IT RAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Need to go for now. HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnDiV
GREAT PIC Marcia,!!!!!!!!!

Are you reading my mind or something???!!!!!

Iím thinking of a number between 1 and 100. Hmmm. LOL!!!!

O.K. Iíll serve you one and you volley it back again!!! O.K? I have to go out for a wile today.

Hereís one off the top of my head. Numerous favorite performers. The one that comes to mind today is Billy Holidayís


Pennies From Heaven

Every time it rains,
It rains pennies from heaven
Donít you know each cloud contains
Pennies from heaven

Youíll find your fortuneís falling
All over the town
Be sure that your umbrella is upside down

Trade them for a package of sunshine and flowers
If you want the things you love, you must have showers
So when you hear it thunder donít run under a tree
Thereíll be pennies from heaven for you and me

 
Old 10-13-2005, 08:25 AM   #7
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Johnster HB User
Re: I hate who I've become....

One more thing Angel!!!

I just printed this and your positive response. I also printed the one a wile ago from when I posted you about that bike. A little glue and some scissors and I have an instant literal cut copy and paste! Today a happy thought to register in my note book. A piece of how you made me smile today October 13th 2005. You are SPECIAL!!!


Thank You and God Bless

P.S. I hope that throat clears up soon!!!

Last edited by Johnster; 10-13-2005 at 08:26 AM.

 
Old 10-13-2005, 08:55 AM   #8
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Re: I hate who I've become....

OMG.....*crying tears of happiness* I'm so glad I could make you smile! I just wish you were in real life....so we could be good friends in person and be friends in person.....*longing*.......

You make me happy.....I should do the same with your posts....when you say I make you happy........you don't even know the miracles you, Flinch and everyone else here work for me....just helping me make it through another day is a miracle and a blessing....

You are the ones that hold the rope that helps me climb my mountain.

HUGS FOR YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<MY FRIENDS>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

love Angel

 
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