Sorry to bore you people. I just thought I'd post it. If you have opinions, they'd be appreciated. I wouldn't suggest reading it all - just the parts that interest you.
The problems: Can't think well
I play games, like sports, like badminton - I play points, I can barely keep the score. After one game, I can barely remember the score of the last, let alone who I played much of the time.
I used to be able to play chess. Now I can't think clearly - my mind freezes and I take an eternity to consider even the simplest steps. I don't notice my mind has halted till the clock tells me time has moved but I have not.
I study. Yet, after every paragraph, a momentary interruption and I wonder what I was previously doing. The words don't stay sharp in attention - it's like they drift straight into long-term memory and gain the dullness of yesterday's events, even if only 5 minutes ago. Yet, my mind is not a cacophony of thoughts - it's mostly empty in those stages, filled only with my current, slow progress through the words and the empty, sucking feeling of nothingess in my head that accompanies the fading of my concentration. Almost as if I hadn't eaten in 6 hours and all my blood had pooled in my gut, my sugar levels feeling low and no energy to read. Yet, I may have just eaten. It's not right.
I didn't use to know the difference between sleepiness and tiredness but now I do. With the first, bed lulls you into a deep slumber and you awake hopefully more refreshed than you went in. With tiredness, I may as well be a walking zombie; sleep is ineffective at best, impossible at worst. I only feel not-tired under 2 circumstances that I can think of off-hand. When I'm just opening my eyes in the morning and yet to raise myself from bed. And the wonderful feeling of putting food in your mouth and your head and body being filled with the taste and energy that comes with food. Then I swallow, finish eating and the experience is gone - back to the dim apathetic zombieque reality.
I'm very sad at times
This feeling used to be worse - the frustration perhaps, or just the realisation of truth. All the parts of life for which I had the quaintest of value have sunk into infinite darkness, but I haven't gone with them. Friends? I was never sure and still am not sure of whether I have them. I must I guess, but it's hard to believe such things when those lovely feelings of their company are gone and you see that ultimately all people are simple self-centred entities (myself included) who see only what they are shown. If I smile, I must be happy. If I enter a fit of crazed laughter, I must be ecstactic. Or maybe I just don't know what else to do. I figure if I do happy things and keep positivity in my mind, everything will get better. I've felt **** for more than a year - my hope is delusional.
Sometimes the happy masking fails and reality, in all it's pathetic lameness is as evident as ever. I can't think, I can't study. I don't enjoy things the way I used to. I thought I stopped being able to feel afraid. Then I realised, I instead felt bad in other ways and still have a weak feeling of real fear somewhere in me - I feel it sometimes. Is there a way out?
All my life until a year ago, sleep was one of those things that just happened. You know, you do it every night because you feel all the energy leaving your body and you couldn't really do much else - the fight to NOT sleep is far more difficult than can be won in normal circumstances. Then suddenly things reversed. Sleeping became the difficult experience. Sleepiness became inexistent. In its place came that horrid substitute, tiredness, the lameness without a direction. Sleep eventually came back, in a transformed form. It happens nowadays, but the urge is not so strong. It is all too easy to not notice, with the ****** feelings I otherwise have somehow keeping me awake as if only to make sure I'm conscious enough to feel ****.
These are odd things. Random things. Well, not that random, they have something in common! They're all pretty bad experiences. Nose blocks itself up for no reason other than to make even my every breath uncomfortable. My mouth feels like i've licked on a few too many rusty spoons and the taste won't leave my tongue. My stomach loves to punish me the few nights I sacrifice sleep for distractions from my thoughts, with aches and things that make me want to stay curled in bed in the morning. My fingers twich like those of a nervous reck when they rest in positions that should otherwise be peaceful - yet there's not even an inckling of fear. These experiences wax and wane - don't do me the service of being permanent enough to be entirely predictable and are not courteous enough to leave me in peace.
I deserve it
Yes, that's right. For being concerned about myself in thinking these experiences may mean I may be ill, I deserve these ill experiences. Maybe I should just play some stupid victim who doesn't know what's wrong with him. If these are the results of my thoughts or thinking, then they are purely my fault and should not be a burden on others. Besides, what can anyone do? Whatever the case, I should have been able to predict this, but somewhere along the line I failed. I didn't think it meant much every time when i randomly felt ill/sad and slept for nearly a whole day. I thought it was nothing. I thought not sleeping meant I'd eaten something dodgy or caught myself a cold, or somehow a 'viral' anxious thought had produced it. I thought if I slept during the day, I'd feel less tired. I thought wrong.
The all-encompassing harbinger of bad experience may or may not cover my experience, but its solutions aren't that perfect. If I go to a doc - they'd probably slap with with those chemicals drug companies have mass-produced for profit. A high risk. I hear most of these simply don't work - well, not at fixing things, but making the person feel worse for the while they realise they don't work. Then coming off is just as much fun as going on. I hear some work too well - awaken those demonic emotions that were created by bad experience and remind people of exactly why they should die. Even if I were lucky and everything worked - would I then become that loser who can't manage life and is dependent on some green pills just to function in life - ever waiting for the day they cease to be effective and true darkness finally comes to take them out of this universe?
Why? Grab some sympathy from people with good intentions only to realise their sympathy doesn't remove the bad experience. It only adds a weight of guilt to your thoughts and sadness to their life. No need to talk. Nothing meaningful to say.
Things vary. I don't feel like this 24/7. Whilst I have food in my mouth or at those other times I feel half-decent, I wonder whether things are really so bad. They seem almost good, almost optimistic. I wonder which state is the dream - the happiness or the lack of it. Things are just so unclear.
Well, we'll all do this anyway, just a matter of time, right? Even in the perfect world where everything were fixed, would everything turn out fine? What about all the damage that has already been done? The lost friends and the lost time, the permanently tarred academic performance and the everlasting scar on self-esteem the entire experience breeds. Those relationships that used to mean everything feeling like nothing more than the distant memory of a movie I once watched. The very basic experience of believing that if you do the right things, things will get better is completely lost. It was never even half-true. That was the lie - I just didn't know it. The truth is obvious - I just don't like it.
I thought that if things had carried on as they have, I'd already be in the soil already, saying hello to our beneficient worm friends, but again I was wrong. I thought sadness about all the bad things about my life would finally come to take over my mind and make doing something a simpler decision. Instead I started to care less. The things I thought I'd never be able to forget let alone forgive have turned to trivialities I look at and fail to understand why I ever felt so strongly about them.
My advice to you
There are a few lessons I think that can be learnt.
Look after yourself! "Look after No. 1 as noone else will!"
I see my flaws as being my hesitant nature. I doubt myself, so even now I doubt whether all this is one elaborate fabrication of my mind. Maybe I'm misunderstanding everything and misinterpreting everything. I can't imagine anyone else I've come across letting things get so bad. They'd have screamed and shouted and thrown themselves in the way of rescuers one way or another. I just sit here, pondering what to do, with the dim realisation that I'm actually doing nothing. Secretly hoping that tomorrow morning all my all this will have been a dream, or perhaps even better did not happen at all. It has been a long dream, if this is a dream. Afraid to do anything incase I may be blamed and then feel even worse.
I hope some good things may be learnt of my experience.
I found it hard to read your post because everything that you wrote expressed very eloquently thoughts and feelings that I have experienced, thoughts and feelings that made me attempt to take my own life at one point.
I don't know exactly how it is for you, you have described it very well but I can only offer what empathy I can. I am sorry for what you are going thru.
The thing is, you recognise you have a problem, you know that you are struggling and you are trying to second guess your way thru solutions. But how can you possibly know if they help or not unless you try?
Sure Medication has it's problems, the side effects can be worse than the benefits, meds can be very difficult to wean off but there are also many people who swear it has saved their lives, it helped them when nothing else did, it saved them from a lot lot worse. How do you know how it will be for you? Schitzophrenia is an illness like Depression is an illness - Schitzophrenics need medication to control their illness and live a normal life just like many Depressives, they are not 'waiting for the day the pills cease to be effective and true darkness finally comes to take them out of this universe' - they are doing the best they can with an illness that god knows they didn't ask for. Don't write off meds just because of the corporateness hidden behind it all, they do actually help some people and they could help you too.
And Therapy may just seem unhelpful, adding guilt to your life, but again, how do you know this? It is easy to stay at home and say 'no it's not for me' but many people have found that explaining exactly what they are feeling at exactly that moment in time to be very cathartic. Sure it doesn't remove the problem but it does give another, less emotional, point of view which can be helpful and also the other person may see solutions to problems that you yourself, may not have thought about.
Death is no solution. After I attempted suicide someone pointed out to me exactly what that would have achieved - it would have wrecked lives, especially of those closest to me. Everyone would believe that they had played a part in my decision to take my life. My Mother would grieve for me the rest of her life, my brother's and sister would grow up with this horrible guilt, probably experiencing depression themselves, maybe needing meds, therapy... Suicide affects not just the person who died, it is chain that goes on and on, touching all who had anything to do with the person.
It is a total waste.
You know yourself that doing nothing is going nowhere. Sitting, waiting, hoping the depression will go away doesn't help. You can just write all the solutions off as pointless if you like but you know that isn't going to take all of this away. We say here, seek help - we don't say it for fun - we say it because we mean it. It can be, and often is a long frustrating road to recovery, a lot of the solutions can make things worse before they get better but the point is that you have to do something. Depression is not something that you can win by just lying down and taking the worst.
People do get better, I know, I'm one of them and I had to go thru a lot to get here. I hope you too will be one of them but you are going to have to start seeking help and helping yourself.