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Old 10-14-2005, 09:19 AM   #1
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PickleDorka HB User
What is WRONG with me???

Hello. I am new here. I have never even visited this place before but I had a crisis last night and I need help. There has got to be something wrong with me.

Background:
I am 29 years old and living with long term boyfriend for over 2 years now. We are not married and have 2 dogs and a cat but no kids. I am currently on Prozac (flutoxine...generic prozac).

I have been depressed as long as I can remember. When I was little I would sometimes just cry for no reason. When I was a teenager, I used to pray that I would get cancer. I have also been overweight my whole life, then I will lose it, then gain again. Currently I am in the overweight and trying to lose it period. I have cut myself and have been taken to the hospital for cutting my wrists.

The thing is, I do ok usually. I get the blues every so often but I try to get my mind off it or be positive. My problem is when someone breaks up with me. Everytime it happens, I get worse. Last night, my boyfriend said that he has been miserable for a while and he couldnt take it anymore. When he said that, I just freaked. I ran into the bathroom with a knife and just sat there. I wanted to die and it felt like I couldnt control the pain I was feeling. But I stepped outside and went to hand the knife to "Lee" (thats what I will call my boyfriend). Well he freaked cause he didnt know that I had a knife. So anyway, he calls my mom and dad and I talked to my mom and was crying the whole time and we decided that I would go with my dad for the night. Well before he got there, Lee and I were talking, (he was talking I was crying) and he said he wanted to try to work things out. So I am still with him and now I am ok.

So WHY do I go off the deep end everytime something like this happens. Its like I have NO control over myself. I panick and I literally cannot stand the emotional pain.

So please...I need advice, ANYTHING....

Just really need someone to talk to....please

Last edited by PickleDorka; 10-14-2005 at 09:31 AM.

 
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Old 10-14-2005, 10:18 AM   #2
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s1980 HB User
Re: What is WRONG with me???

Hi there,
So sorry that you have been feeling so bad lately.
When I lose it I also have a lot of problems controlling my feelings but it varies according to the situation. I have found that I can really put up with a lot when I put my mind to it and on my day, I have a lot of patience and can deal with things without losing it. But sometimes I find I am extremely sensitive and just the smallest criticism or comment can have me in floods of tears and I can't stop them from flowing - I have to leave the room and try to sort myself out, I feel mortified with embarrassment, my chest feels heavy and it is very hard to breathe. When I have got myself into a halfway presentable state I come back but it all weighs down in my mind still and the smallest thing can set me off again, it is absolutely terrible, I go to ridiculous lengths to avoid any trouble or confrontation as more often than not this is what happens. I feel so weak and such a loser, I just wish I could be stronger.

I don't know exactly how it is for you, it sounds as uncontrollable and unbearable as what I go thru but the difference is that in your case you have a strong urge to cut your wrists, whereas I just sob and sob, sometimes I long to scream out in frustration, or smash something or beat my fists or head against the wall but I never feel as though I want to die.

Have you explained to your boyfriend that this is really not something you can control? that these feelings just overcome you and there is nothing that you can do about it? That if you had the choice there is no way you would want to feel like this or do these things? It is important that he understands that.

Unfortunately I can't explain why these things happen to you or why you feel the way you do, I still lose it on a regular basis and it really is something that makes my life a misery and that I find the ugliest thing about myself. I wish I knew how to control it or which way to turn for help with controlling it but I don't. And so if anybody has any suggestions I am a very interested indeed!!!

I hope all goes well for you and your boyfriend and you get any help that you need, post here whenever you can, you are not alone.
all the best

 
Old 10-14-2005, 11:14 AM   #3
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Re: What is WRONG with me???

Thank you for your input.

And yes....I told him last night that I cant control it. The problem was that he was scared that I was going to hurt myself at the time...
I feel better now. Much better. But its just because I am still with him. I HATE that. Why cant I be happy on my own??

 
Old 10-14-2005, 12:02 PM   #4
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Re: What is WRONG with me???

You sound so familiar to me. Or how I used to be. I would suggest you find someone, a professional, that you can talk to. They can help you sort out your feelings.
I would get depressed after living with someone awhile too. Once I moved out on my own, things really changed for me. I was scared to live alone but it was the best thing I ever did. It helped me learn that I could take care of myself, I didn't need to depend on any man.
Reply if you want to talk more.

 
Old 10-14-2005, 08:24 PM   #5
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Re: What is WRONG with me???

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. I agree with Julie that it would be helpful for you to talk to a professional. You deserve to be happy on a consistent basis (we all do ). I think it's a very healthy sign that you are reaching out to others.

Good luck.

 
Old 10-14-2005, 08:42 PM   #6
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Re: What is WRONG with me???

I don't know much about the prescription drugs you are on, but a friend of mine was taking pills for depression. A low doase at first, then the doc upped the dose.All of a sudden she would go through these violent mood swings. She wanted to kill herself..she thought about horrible things. So horrible that she wouldn't mention them to me. She had to go down a few doses and was back to normal again. I don't want to sound judgemental so forgive me if I do. But, some doctors like to OVER medicate their patients. NOT ALL< SOME> ! A doctor explained to me one day that they get paid by how many prescriptions they write out. Not to say that nobody needs to be on these meds. I believe there are alot of people who do need to be on medication for whatever there issue is...I think I should be on pills at times....BUT, could your prescriptions be too high? Could you take a lower dose and try to exercise, not your body, but your mind? Have you ever thought of relaxation classes? Yoga is supposed to be great for the mind. Try looking on line for relaxation techniques. You might be surprised what you find. Also, I have a problem with lacking vitamin...ad when I do, I am a very different person. Just a thought, hope everything works out for you.
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