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Old 10-14-2005, 11:04 PM   #1
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just when you think its gone...

just a question to no one in particular - am I the only one who feels like they've wasted the better part of their lives hating themselves for no apparent reason?

This has just dawned on me as I'm fighting off yet another round of self destructive thoughts - always the same: "I'm alone, I'll always be alone, why would anyone care about me", blah, blah, blah. Rationally, I know its garbage, but without fail, every time I have some emotional upset, this same old crap keeps coming back - I think its been like 20 years now. I've been through some therapy, taken my pills, but I just can't seem to get to the point of not having an inate dislike of myself.

Just ranting

 
Old 10-15-2005, 01:11 AM   #2
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Re: just when you think its gone...

Hi Unclear
Welcome to the boards!

I don't seem to know how to love myself or be easy on myself. Don't give up and don't give in to the lies.

Best wishes,
Sam

 
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Old 10-15-2005, 05:59 AM   #3
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the end HB User
Re: just when you think its gone...

I feel the same way. I have always been my own worst enemy.

 
Old 10-15-2005, 06:37 AM   #4
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Re: just when you think its gone...

thanks for the encouragement Sam - its a little odd for me to be reaching out to strangers like this, but it guess its easier in some ways.

 
Old 10-15-2005, 08:14 AM   #5
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Re: just when you think its gone...

I often feel the same way. I never thought of it as hating myself, but I think I must in a way -- or I would believe in myself more. I too often think I am just going to wind up alone, and I have wasted so many years.

I'm sure it is just related to the depression we suffer from.

 
Old 10-15-2005, 03:06 PM   #6
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not Rich HB User
Re: just when you think its gone...

Quote:
Originally Posted by unclear32
just a question to no one in particular - am I the only one who feels like they've wasted the better part of their lives hating themselves for no apparent reason?

This has just dawned on me as I'm fighting off yet another round of self destructive thoughts - always the same: "I'm alone, I'll always be alone, why would anyone care about me", blah, blah, blah. Rationally, I know its garbage, but without fail, every time I have some emotional upset, this same old crap keeps coming back - I think its been like 20 years now. I've been through some therapy, taken my pills, but I just can't seem to get to the point of not having an inate dislike of myself.

Just ranting

Things as complex as a set of words, or a set of ideas must be learnt! The reason you get the same ideas/way of thinking when you're upset is because you originally learnt that response. The hope, in theory is that you can learn another response, if the response you have at the moment causes significant problems. I'm not sure there's any particular harm in having self-destructive thoughts - just having the feelings/experience with them that makes them consume you. As long as you can limit them and not spiral into a mess, you should be fine.

 
Old 10-15-2005, 04:21 PM   #7
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Re: just when you think its gone...

I've only just found this thread but I understand what unclear means and defo agree with what the last poster said.
Over the last 3/4 years I've realised that I have some kind of hate towards myself and these feelings always come back when I'm not feeling too good - why would anyone like me? etc etc.
Out of interest though, you dont have to say, what type of therapy is it you've been having? I recently finished having cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and it did explain some of this. Like the last poster said, these thoughts dont come overnight - they do have to be 'learned' from somewhere. Apparently these are core thoughts and it can take a hell of an effort to get rid of them. Slowly though it CAN be done. CBT hasnt worked at all for me but I DO now believe that these thoughts can be changed.
If you arent having CBT - maybe thats something you could talk to your doctor or somebody about.
Not trying to sound like I'm some kind of expert or anything so hope its not coming out like that!! I mean I'm only 18 and have only suffered from depression for 2/3 years, it just seems like this could help you though.
Maybe depression is something that will always be there below the surface - it's the learning to cope with it that counts. Other people I've talked to are often able to think rationally about things sometimes and realise that the thoughts they have about themselves - you know 'Im useless, pathetic' etc etc are not exactly true. It's just learning to rationalise these things AT THE TIME - there lies my problem too!!

 
Old 10-16-2005, 05:35 PM   #8
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Re: just when you think its gone...

Quote:
Originally Posted by not Rich
Things as complex as a set of words, or a set of ideas must be learnt! The reason you get the same ideas/way of thinking when you're upset is because you originally learnt that response. The hope, in theory is that you can learn another response, if the response you have at the moment causes significant problems. I'm not sure there's any particular harm in having self-destructive thoughts - just having the feelings/experience with them that makes them consume you. As long as you can limit them and not spiral into a mess, you should be fine.
ah yes - the key is learning to control those feelings. sadly - I haven't had much success in doing that over the years. I also understand this is pretty much par for the course in people prone to depression. the question is, what strategies have people found useful to get out of that place? I'm just afraid every time I have those thoughts, the black fog is right around the corner, which makes it pretty difficult to move on and actually experience life.

 
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