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Old 10-16-2005, 08:33 PM   #1
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whats wrong with me?

Im very very depressed...and when i go out in public i have panic attacks because im so afraid someone might be looking at me , i hate the way i look ......... completely hate it ... my skin is awful , and i think about suicide because of it. I cant stand the fact that im not a size zero.. im like a 6 with stretch marks (and im only 16) .. I hate being around people because im afraid theyre looking at me or judging me..I hate going to school. i spend about 2 hours a day crying ... and i cant control it... my mom is constantly yelling at me , because she thinks its all an act and im just feeling sorry for myself, im currently going to a theripist but its sooo hard for me to talk to her. Ummm god i dunno......i cant sleep and my anxiety is out of control.. i feel sick basically all the time because of feeling like this... i usually just stay home when my friends go out ... i dont know what to do.. i just wish i was better than myself...... the self hate is horrible ... well i guess i pretty much answered my question about what's wrong with me ... but im not sure what to do about it. Sorry for wasting anyones time , and thanx so much for any help.

Last edited by jennymc41; 10-16-2005 at 09:20 PM. Reason: accidently deleted words..oops

 
Old 10-16-2005, 09:35 PM   #2
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Re: whats wrong with me?

Wow you sound jsut like me! ..I always stay home when my friends go out, I hate school, I cry everyday and night, and I hate basically everything about myself. Thank you for replying to my post, it really meant a lot to me. You didn't waste my time, and don't be sorry. It's really horrible what you have to go through. Sorry I'm not really much help. I hope you feel better, just know that I'm here for you.
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Last edited by *Shell*; 10-16-2005 at 09:36 PM.

 
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Old 10-17-2005, 01:37 AM   #3
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alsaser HB User
Re: whats wrong with me?

I felt EXACTLY the same way when I was 16. I was always skinny than when I turned 16, I bloomed up and where a size 9/11 jeans. I was so depressed and had anxiety and at times had to run out of class (I didnt know it was anxiety at the time...I just thought I was crazy). Does your therapist recommend medication? I wish I had found xanax and that age. I suffered throughout high school too, thought of suicide EVERYDAY. My mom sent me to a therapist (after my suicide attempt, 2 day hospitalization and 8 days at a pysche hospital) but he was creepy and I couldnt talk with him either. I just know I HATED myself. I used to look in the mirror and scream at my reflection, I hate you! I wish you were dead! I want to kill you! (I know, sounds whacko).
I had very few friends and bad social anxiety and just wanted to hide in my room all day. Please try to talk to your mom again, tell her you think about suicide and need help!!!!
I hate to say this, but this is probably a phase you will get through. I am a perfectly functioning adult now in my late 20s and reading your post made me so sad! Brings it all back. So sorry...wish I had better advice.
If you can get on xanax. If your mom is not helping, do you have anyone else you can talk to, an aunt, dad, a pastor, a school counsilor?
I had one very best friend since I was 12, she was ALL I had in the world, we would say that we were soul mates. a month before high school graduation she killed herself (her mom didnt believe her either). Thats since with me to this day. My dad thought I was trying to control the family, get attention (uh...yea!) get my way, even after my suicide attempt he said if I ever pulled that again he'd kick me out. Til my best friend died...he realized that could have been me!
I wish I could write to your mom. This is very serious. Please try again. There is help out there, a medication that will help with your anxiety and your sleep, but also know, for some people, the teen years are the worst years of your life!!!! It'll get better, I promise! Hang in there!!! *hugs*

 
Old 10-17-2005, 03:07 AM   #4
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Re: whats wrong with me?

Oh gosh. This is like looking into a mirror. I endured very much the same insecurities and anxieties, to the point where I developed an eating disorder. I haven't fully recovered yet, but time and experience have given me a new perspective.

Confiding in a stranger is an extremely difficult thing to do, particularly when you're so depressed that you think every person on this planet will betray you one way or another. The truth is, there are people you CAN talk to. Treat your therapist's office like a sacred space, where you can say anything - even scream and cry - and yet nothing will escape those trusted walls. Visualization of this 'sacred space' may help as well. Trust isn't an easy thing to give somebody...hell, I can't think of anyone that I trust 100%...but test the water, sweetie.

Can you do something for me? Stand in front of the mirror, clothed or naked (whichever you feel you can handle right now), and dig deep to find some things you DO like about yourself. They don't have to be physical traits. Once you find them, look into your own eyes and say them out loud. If they make you uncomfortable, say them again. The point of this exercise is to give you something to feel even a little confident about. Can you try that?

Sending lots o' love your way!

Cheers

 
Old 10-17-2005, 03:27 AM   #5
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Re: whats wrong with me?

You may want to get on some type of anti-depressant. Ask your therapist about it. Does your mother sit in on your therapy. At your age you should be having fun and hanging out with friends. There is help so try to stay positive. Good luck

 
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