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Old 10-17-2005, 02:54 AM   #1
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Newcastle, Australia
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skinheadskippy HB User
Thumbs down Sad and terrified

A brief history: I was diagnosed with Dysthymia in Year 10 of high school. It took me 18 months to make any progress and I was stubborn in wanting to do things on my own - no counselling, throwing away meds etc. When I eventually crawled out of the hole, I was proud of myself - I thought i'd beaten it single-handed.

Wrong. It has returned in full force. I'm 21 now. So much of that first period is a blur that I have no basis for comparison. So i'll just describe what's going on now: I go to bed every night praying that I don't wake up. Whenever I think about how far this condition could push me, I become terribly frightened and have a panic attack. I attempt to reach out to my family, but i'm rejected and dismissed. According to them, i'm just "having a bad day" and "feeling a bit down at the moment". At worst, they shut me out completely, even though my mother suffers from depression herself and should know better. My protests that it's NOT just a bad day, NOT just for the moment, fall on deaf ears. They've been through this before with me - why can't they see i'm failing again? I feel painfully lonely all the time, even when i'm in a room full of family and friends. I see someone else's happiness and break down - I visited my cousin recently, who's just had a beautiful baby girl, and almost had to leave the room for fear of crying.

All the things that I once enjoyed, I can't connect with anymore. They seem so seperate from me. My memory is terrible. I envision seeing my old, chirpy self jumping around on a hilltop, but the hill is so far away and I can't get there because i'm blocked by thorns and sludge. I haven't been completely sober in a month - i'm rarely seen without a glass of wine in my hand. I'm very attracted to someone but i'm talking myself out of it because I couldn't handle the rejection...even hypothetical rejection sends me spiralling down. I've lost all motivation.

Very recently, I was sitting in front of the computer trying to distract myself with a game. I had tears falling down my face in torrents. The voice that once kept me motivated and cheerful, is now sinister and ugly. "You know there's no way out, don't you? You know what you have to do." I fought with this voice for a long time before it finally shouted loud and clear:

"You have to die."

Now i'm so frightened that i'm almost in hysterics. I can't go to my GP because he's my family's doctor, and I couldn't bear to face him. I can't tell my parents i'm in trouble because I would only be dismissed yet again. I can't call my friends because they're in the city, whereas i'm in the outer suburbs. I can't call my counsellor because I don't have her home number. I can't go to hospital because I don't want to be stuck in there, and I don't want to disappoint my parents. They've already had enough to deal with - perfect parents with blatantly imperfect children. I couldn't inflict this on them.

I'm sorry for blurting all this out. I think I needed to send all this out into the void. The long and short of it is, i'm trapped. I have no way out. But I don't want to die either. Anything but death. But i've seen what I can do. I self-injured and also had an eating disorder. I don't want to go through all that again - furthermore, I CAN'T.

I'm not going to die. I won't let something like this defeat me. So this isn't a suicide note. (For one thing, i'm petrified of the prospect of death.) It's a post from someone on the edge, who is still frantically grasping at anything that will keep her from falling.

Last edited by skinheadskippy; 10-17-2005 at 02:56 AM.

 
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Old 10-17-2005, 04:14 AM   #2
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Photog88 HB User
Re: Sad and terrified

I know how you feel. When you sitting in your dark room, crying, feeling that there is nothing out there that can help you and feeling utterly terrified. I use to wake up every morning and just want to lay in bed and sleep some more because when I was asleep I didn't feel anything. When I would finally pull myself out of bed and relocate to the couch, I would get this paralyzing fear and start to have panic attacks. The panic would floor me and I would be so tired once again. My thoughts would race and I would think "is this what life will be like for me"? I prayed for death. I would read the news paper and scan the obituaries and think to myself "I would gladly trade places with that poor 16 year old girl that died tragically in some car accident". I thought about how that girl probably wanted to live and had so much to look forward too and Im here, cursed with life and feeling miserable for NO REASON. I had crazy thoughts about going insain and winding up in some nut house in a padded room; I really thought life was over.

I began to get agoraphobic and hardely left the house. Going to the mailbox became a chore. I would sit up at night and cry, have a panic attack, cry again (wash, rinse, repeat) for about 3 months. 3 of the darkest months of my life.

I finally gave in and went to my physician. I told her how much I hated myself and I just wanted to sign my resignation of life. I was never suicidal, but just wanted to die. Panic and depression consumed me almost 100% of the day and I just wanted it over. She gave me a script for Zoloft and about 6 weeks later, the clouds began to lift.

Now Im not the one to push meds, but they really helped me. Im not out of the darkness yet, but they really help me put things into perspective and function semi-normal again. This isnt really a success story, but a success story in the making. I still have a self esteem worth crap, and still hate myself more than anyone else on this planet. I see myself in the mirror and curse myself out and say things like "you ****** looser". I dont seem to be happy with any part of my life right now except my girlfriend. Honestly, I cant see how she puts up with me or can bring herself to love someone like me. Im a waste of a human being right now. She's been supporting me financiall for the past 6 months and I hate myself even more (if that's possible) every day.

Im 28 years old, a college graduate, good job when I do work (self-employed), great girlfriend, everyone I know is healthy, I have a house, some friends left and I've had a great life up untill a few years back when I started to have bad panic attacks. I dont know why Im depressed all the time. I guess I just feel worthless and alone alot of the time. Everyone else seems to be enjoying life and having fun; I've forgotten what fun is and I dont remember the last time I've really been happy.

I guess Im just responding to your post because I want you to feel that you're not alone. I know that everyone else you know is probably happy with their situations, but this dork from San Diego, writing to you on the computer right now at 4:09am is in the same boat as you are; hell, look around, Im probably rowing it. I know Im just internet person that you will probably never meet or talk to, but there are lots of us out there that understand your situation and we've been there too.

My advice to you it to see your doc and maybe get some anti-depressants. I am usually very anti-meds, but they really did help me regain at least some of my life back in the past few months. I still have my really bad days, but there have been more and more good days in the past few weeks. I just hope that the worst is behind me and I can start to live again.

Photog88

 
Old 10-17-2005, 04:51 AM   #3
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Newcastle, Australia
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skinheadskippy HB User
Re: Sad and terrified

Thank you, hon...My plan of action is to see my doctor ASAP. Need to talk about anti-depressants, anxiety, blood sugar, vertigo etc. I was on anti-depressants five years ago, Aropax. I remember that they murdered whatever personality I had left. I'm willing, however, to give it another shot. I'm prepared to go the whole way if it means i'll recover.

I'm wondering if I need any other treatment, but that's in the hands of my GP.

Thankfully my session with my counsellor is only 2 days away, so I can discuss things with her then. I wish these sessions were more frequent, though. I feel selfish to ask for anything less than a fortnight between sessions, like i'd be imposing myself on my counsellor of I made her see me any sooner. I know that's ridiculous, though.

 
Old 10-17-2005, 06:04 AM   #4
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 11
not Rich HB User
Re: Sad and terrified

I understand your position. It's a mess with only messy solutions. Besides transportation to another universe for uncountable years whilst your mind is tranquilised into an indefinate sleep and you are distanced from all the burdens of the world, only to return when you're repaired, there are no 100% pretty solutions. The mess is that your mind + body have the capacity to keep you in the mess - the ideas, feelings, emotions and experience can be self-perpetuating. Sleep is the only escape, but it doesn't last long enough. Death is a nice, simple answer, but it's not as easy as it seems. Indeed, is it really necessary? Are there solutions you have yet to explore? If so, try them (IMO). That's the position you seem to be in - so keep trying is all I can say. You're not the first human with your experiences, chances are some solutions will be out there.

A rather basic (and fundamentally correct) way of looking at your experience is: nothing comes from nothing. Everything that happens has a cause. And the causes are the reason for your experience. With understanding, there is hope of solution. If you feel you understand what is causing your experience, then therein lies your solution. Go and explore all avenues. You have 1 shot at life, might as well make it a worthwhile one. Don't sit on your hands, as doing so you lose the asset that is of greatest value to you - your time! Don't give up till you've done everything in your power to make a claim to the one chance at experiencing things you have.

 
Old 10-17-2005, 10:38 AM   #5
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 146
prozack HB User
Re: Sad and terrified

Quote:
Originally Posted by skinheadskippy
A brief history: I was diagnosed with Dysthymia in Year 10 of high school. It took me 18 months to make any progress and I was stubborn in wanting to do things on my own - no counselling, throwing away meds etc. When I eventually crawled out of the hole, I was proud of myself - I thought i'd beaten it single-handed.

Wrong. It has returned in full force. I'm 21 now. So much of that first period is a blur that I have no basis for comparison. So i'll just describe what's going on now: I go to bed every night praying that I don't wake up. Whenever I think about how far this condition could push me, I become terribly frightened and have a panic attack. I attempt to reach out to my family, but i'm rejected and dismissed. According to them, i'm just "having a bad day" and "feeling a bit down at the moment". At worst, they shut me out completely, even though my mother suffers from depression herself and should know better. My protests that it's NOT just a bad day, NOT just for the moment, fall on deaf ears. They've been through this before with me - why can't they see i'm failing again? I feel painfully lonely all the time, even when i'm in a room full of family and friends. I see someone else's happiness and break down - I visited my cousin recently, who's just had a beautiful baby girl, and almost had to leave the room for fear of crying.

All the things that I once enjoyed, I can't connect with anymore. They seem so seperate from me. My memory is terrible. I envision seeing my old, chirpy self jumping around on a hilltop, but the hill is so far away and I can't get there because i'm blocked by thorns and sludge. I haven't been completely sober in a month - i'm rarely seen without a glass of wine in my hand. I'm very attracted to someone but i'm talking myself out of it because I couldn't handle the rejection...even hypothetical rejection sends me spiralling down. I've lost all motivation.

Very recently, I was sitting in front of the computer trying to distract myself with a game. I had tears falling down my face in torrents. The voice that once kept me motivated and cheerful, is now sinister and ugly. "You know there's no way out, don't you? You know what you have to do." I fought with this voice for a long time before it finally shouted loud and clear:

"You have to die."

Now i'm so frightened that i'm almost in hysterics. I can't go to my GP because he's my family's doctor, and I couldn't bear to face him. I can't tell my parents i'm in trouble because I would only be dismissed yet again. I can't call my friends because they're in the city, whereas i'm in the outer suburbs. I can't call my counsellor because I don't have her home number. I can't go to hospital because I don't want to be stuck in there, and I don't want to disappoint my parents. They've already had enough to deal with - perfect parents with blatantly imperfect children. I couldn't inflict this on them.

I'm sorry for blurting all this out. I think I needed to send all this out into the void. The long and short of it is, i'm trapped. I have no way out. But I don't want to die either. Anything but death. But i've seen what I can do. I self-injured and also had an eating disorder. I don't want to go through all that again - furthermore, I CAN'T.

I'm not going to die. I won't let something like this defeat me. So this isn't a suicide note. (For one thing, i'm petrified of the prospect of death.) It's a post from someone on the edge, who is still frantically grasping at anything that will keep her from falling.
Skinheadskippy
First off,
Depression will tell you lies.I know its hard but don't feel guilty,it will only make you feel worse.
I too feel alone in a room full of people.It's awful.
Think about your other bout of depression you went thru and realize that what you are going thru now is only TEMPORARY.
You should feel proud about round one.Don't listen to the lies(devil).
I am here for you anytime you need someone to talk to.
Mike

 
Old 10-17-2005, 10:53 AM   #6
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 128
meredith100 HB User
Re: Sad and terrified

I just want you to know you are not, and are never, alone. Also, besides for the obvious importance of medication and a really good therapist, have tried finding solace in books about depression? I would recommend all of Irvin Yalom's books, the book Against Depression and just about any memoir. they make you feel connected, a sense of meaning. good luck.

 
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