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Old 10-18-2005, 04:23 PM   #1
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Danni222 HB User
Seeking advise from those with depression

Hi all,

I'm new here and despratley seeking advise.

I have an ex boyfriend who has not been officially diagnosed, but says he has suffered depression all his life. We broke up a year ago as his depression was getting out of control & he felt it was hard to have someone else in his life - he needed time to himself. We are still good friends & see each other about once a week.

The problem is it is a year later and he is still depressed. He says that he feels numb all the time. Over the last few years he has lost his brother and cousin and another of his cousins has ended up in jail. He is not close to his family at all, but I know he is having such a hard time with this. I feel his pain - every time I try to talk to him about it I end up in tears & I have never even met his family.

He has told me that he has been close to suicide twice - this was before his brother & cousin died. He said he borrowed a gun and tried to do it but couldn't go through with it.

He knows he needs help and took the first step about 8 months ago. He saw his GP who refered him to a psyciatrist. He went to see the psyciatrist once & never went back. He knows he needs to but keeps putting it off.

I really want to help him but am not sure how or even if I should be - I have tried but think I may be making things worse for him.

I know this is getting lengthy, but just one more complication. I was diagnosed with ADHD a couple of months ago. I have the habit of talking without thinking, which is a problem as I usually have about 20 thoughts going on in my mind at one time so nothing I say come out as it is meant to. Also I don't pick up on subtle hints & don't realise I have upset him until six months later when he brings it up. I tend to brush things off easily, whereas he internalizes them. I am receaving treatment and doing the best I can, but when I am around him I feel I can't be myself as I will upset him & I really hate this - it is really important to me to be able to accept & love myself for who I am.

I still love this guy & probably always will, but I know that it will never work between us and I can accept that. I need to be with someone who will directly tell me when I have upset them. I love & care with all my heart, but walking on eggshells just doesn't come naturally to me.

Could someone please tell me what would be the best way to help him. I have already tried writting to him & encouraging him to seek proffessional help. It seems the more I try to help him the more pressure it puts on him to get better, which makes things worse. He gets so much out of his depression creativity wise, so I am not trying to change him, all I want is for every day life to be a little more bearable for him. What should I do?

Also struggling with the whole "should I give up my identity to please someone else" issue. Any opinions on that one?

Thank you
Danni

PS You are all probably thinking I'm the opiniated, interfereing girlfriend from hell!!!

PPS. I took my ADHD medication to write this - just in case anyone is wondering

 
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Old 10-18-2005, 05:01 PM   #2
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: sudbury, Ontario
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ritzylady77 HB User
Re: Seeking advise from those with depression

Hi Danni222,

It seems to me like you have done everything that you can do at this time. You have let him know that he needs to seek help. The rest is up to him. You cannot force him to do anything that he is not ready to do. Believe me, I know the feeling of being helpless to do anything. Especially when the other one does not want to do it. My husband has been diagnosed with Major Depression and a bunch of other things, and unless he is ready to do the things that he is supposed to do, I cannot do anything but be there to support him. That is the only thing that you can do at this time. It is very frustrating, I know, because you want your ex-bf to get better...it takes time.
As for not walking on egg shels about things, i think that is a very good quality, even though it is brought on by your ADHD. You should say what you are thinking.
Its very difficult to help someone who is in a depression. But, remember, that once he makes the decision to get the help, he will know that you are there if and when he needs you.
Also wanted to mention that you should NEVER give up your identity to please someone. You are who you are, and that is what makes you a great person, don't ever give that up for anyone!

There is light at the end of the tunnel for everyone, although some take longer to reach it, it is there.

Take care,
__________________
Life should not be measured by how many breath we take, but by how many moments take our breath away

 
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