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Old 10-22-2005, 04:36 PM   #1
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brokenspirit HB User
Isn't there any happiness left in the darkness

hi everyone,
I wish just for once in my life that I could be happy again. I use to be happy, but not anymore. My girls are even noticing it. They were kidding around the other day and I asked them to name 10 things they want for christmas more than anything. My oldest daughter put on her list of things she wanted her mommy to be happy again. Isnt there any stop to this meds dont work for me. I dont like taking them prozac is useless for me and so is welbuterin. I jsut wish for one day I could be happy and not sad like this all of the time. I dont want to hurt my girls. they are my life and I can see that it is really starting to effect them bad.
I just feel so empty inside and so useless. I feel like im in this dark hole and there is no way out. I just wish there was some kind of relief from this. I put on a big show for people smiling and everything when inside I feel like I am slowly dying be ate alive by all this. I am truely at the end of my rope and I know that I need help but how can you get help if there is none. No Im not thinking about hurting myself again. that is the last thing I am thinking about. I just want to be happy again. I have been through so much in my 37 years dont I deserve to be happy for once in my miserable life?
oh well everything is not ment for us to understand.
I hope everyone else is having a better weekend than I am.

lots of love hugs and prayers for everyone out there
cathy

 
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Old 10-22-2005, 06:49 PM   #2
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janart HB User
Re: Isn't there any happiness left in the darkness

Hey Cathy, hope you are feeling a little better since your last post. I just wanted to let you know you are definately not alone. I know exactly how you feel. I have soso days and terrible days. I know what you mean about the meds too. I just stopped taking Lexapro. I was only on it for a little over a month but I just couldn't take the side effects. Some meds have helped some but the side effects suck! Hang in there. All you can do is take one MINUTE at a time.

 
Old 10-23-2005, 06:39 PM   #3
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attheendofmyrope HB User
Re: Isn't there any happiness left in the darkness

Cathy, I feel the exact same way. I cant remember the last timeI really felt happy. This darkness has been with me for so long. My children are picking up on the sadness too and I think my oldest child (10 years old) may even be starting to have some depression himself either that or he is just so worried about me he cant concentrate in school. My children are 10, 8, 6, and 2 and I feel like I'm missing out on the best years with them by being so down all the time. Last night I let the girls have a friend over to spend the night with us and this morning I had a bad crying spell and called my husband to come home from work. I think I scared her she's not used to seeing a mother cry and I wish my kids werent used to it but they are.

Hang in there,
Staci

 
Old 10-23-2005, 07:57 PM   #4
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peacegal HB User
Re: Isn't there any happiness left in the darkness

cathy, it was your sn that got to me..as i sit here tears streaming down my face..i just lost (his choice) a very good friend i have had for the past year and a half because "he can't deal with me and my crying anymore." The irony is that he was who was the only one to get me thru some of my days. i hear you, i am a very young 44, have two small boys, 5 and 10 and half spent most of my past 2 weeks sleeping. i signed myself into a psych ward for help, but there wasnt any for depression..i cant seem to find anything..i have been on paxil, celexa, lexapro, cymbalta and now am on welbrutrin, prozac and knonapin. great right? i'm ready to take the whole bottle and call it a day. i mean it..i don't know where else to turn my friends are tired ofme i am in the middle of a divorce from an emotional abusive/controlling husband and i can't handle anything. i am educated, had a great job, was always "up" had alot of friends who counted on me...now..idk i feel gutted and alone...so i so feel for you..i have gone the spiritual route, the zen route, you name it...now alcohol and klonopin seem to be the only answers for me..i never thought this would be me..i wish you well and please feel free to respond

 
Old 10-23-2005, 08:18 PM   #5
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sealover HB Usersealover HB User
Re: Isn't there any happiness left in the darkness

Cathy,

It's the depression/anxiety that is causing you to feel the way you do. Depression makes you miserable and makes you feel sad and hopeless. I understand what you mean about how you haven't found any meds that work for you. Have you tried therapy, perhaps cognitive therapy? Also, there are some good books at bookstores for help in dealing with depression. Physical exercise is supposed to help depression. Maybe even meditation, yoga, religion, etc. can help ease depression a bit. There is nothing that is a magic cure or pill, unfortunately. It takes time and effort to get well from clinical depression. But please look into anything (of course not alcohol or illegal drugs) that may help you feel better.

I really do feel for you and relate to what you are feeling.

 
Old 10-23-2005, 09:16 PM   #6
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brokenspirit HB User
Re: Isn't there any happiness left in the darkness

Peacegal, Hi
I just wanted to let you know that I am here if you want to talk. Believe it or not , not that long ago I tried to go to sleep with prince valu* . I took a whole bottle and went to bed I slept for 18 hours straight. I was really in a mess. The only help that I had were people here on the board.
I too suffer an abusive relationship. My husband doesnt hit me but verbal abuse is just as bad. He is an alcoholic too. Drugs and alcohol are not the answer to your problems.
you might not want to hear this but the only peace I have ever found is in the Lord. He is my best friend. He will listen to you and he doesnt care if you cry. I have done that many of times. He will be there to help when you are at your darkest hour and he won't put you down or call you names or hit you . He will listen and love you just for who you are . He can wrap his loving arms around you and hold you tight when you are crying and he can wipe away all your tears if you let him .
I find when I am so alone in this darkness I just look and he is there. Most of the time when I feel so alone it is because I havent talked to him that day and if I turn to him and put my trust in him he will help.
If he does this for me he will do it for you too.
He has no respect of person. He loves you so much that he died for you.
no one on this earth loves me that much but he did. and he loves you that much too!!

I hope you get feeling better if you need to talk I'm here.

love and prayers and hugs
cathy

 
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