dealing w/ depressed spouse - Depression Message Board

kristinlee · 10-25-2005, 08:34 AM

i'm not sure if this is an appropriate place to ask this, but i thought maybe someone might have some advice. i've been w/ my husband for 10 years, and he's always struggled with bouts of depression. they used to come on once or twice a year and would last for a few weeks, but they've been coming A LOT more frequently and with a lot more ups and downs. in the past week he's been really up twice, sort of in a "i am going to change my life, everything is going to be ok, the world is beautiful" kind of way, then the next day he just totally crashes. it's usually brought on by a physical ailment, for example he's been having knee troubles lately and when it flares up it just sends him into this "everything is always going to be terrible" place. i used to be really loving and understanding, but now i'm just getting annoyed and frustrated. i feel like everytime this happens we have the same conversation, he lays in bed and stares off into space, i hug him tell him it will be ok, he tells me that he's worthless and that nothing he does is ever right and that he must've brought on the knee problem himself by being suck a ****-up. i try to reason with him. it doesn't change anything. then suddenly the next day he's ok again, well sort of ok, and then a few days later he'll be all happy. i finally told him this morning that he either has to get back into counseling or find some meds because this has gotten bad, but i know he'll ignore me becuase i've been telling him this for 10 years. he was in counseling this summer for awhile, but he said he felt like the counselor didn't take his problems seriously. and he used to be on zoloft 8 years ago, but it had so many bad side affects for him that he's afraid to go down that road again.

so i guess my question is: is there anything i can do for him? i'm sure me getting ****ed off at him isn't helping... i just feel so helpless and frustrated.

ritzylady77 · 10-25-2005, 11:36 AM

Hi kristinlee,

I know exactly how you feel, only I haven't been in that situation as long as you have. My husband was finally diagnosed about 6 months or so ago, but has had a lot of other issues for most of his life.
It is the most difficult thing to deal with a mental illness and to be living with it for so long, there is no doubt that support and love will soon turn to anger and frustration if it goes on for too long with no help in sight.
My advice to you would be to try to get him back into counseling, there has to be one that he will think will take him seriously, sometimes you have to go to a couple, just like with medication, it takes a while sometimes to find the right one/combinations of meds before they work.
The other thing is that it seems like he might need to get back onto some sort of medication to level him out. Also, there is a diagnosis of situational depression, which isn;t as bad as Major depressive disorder. It is just the problems that he is encountering right now, (situation that he is in), is making him feel worthless and that he can't do anything about it so he is just going to not do anything at all. Could be that, and also could be something else. ALthough i do have a psych degree, i am in no position to pass diagnosis, just to let you know.
Your husband needs to go see a professional to help him.
The other thing, is that if you say that you are going to do something, then stick to it and do it. Make sure that he seeks sometime of therapy and gets meds if that is what he needs. And if you have to give him an ultimatum, then do it, and stick with it.
You have to start thinking of your happiness as well, and if you are not happy, then that is not good. Even though you are married, and have been for a while, you are your own person, with your own needs and wants. Remember that. Sometimes one has no choice but to do things...not that i am telling you that you should do anything drastic, but if you need to, don't feel like you are giving up on your husband or your relationship, it happens to the best, and one can only deal with something for so long.
You are a very strong individual to have stuck beside your husband for so long. My hat goes off to you for that, for as strong as I am, I highly doubt that i would be able to deal with this for 10yrs.

Take care,