This is goign to be long but bare with me it will feel much better to get this all out.
Hello all male here 23, I have posted here b4 but it has been a while. Here is a little history about me. I have always been depressed to some degree, I go through good and bad times. I know it is in my family on my dad's side. My uncle is an alcoholic and has not been able to keep a good job for any amout of time. My dad has always been very hostile and anti-social. He kind of had a breakdown after his retirement. He cheated on my mom and my mom eventually kicked out of the house and now he is living in a cabin by himself. There is not a day that goes by that I dont worry about him doing something irrational. My mom and I have talked about why is the way he is and it has to do with his childhood. His mother never told him that he she loved him and showed very little affection for him. I am sure it is why my uncle had problems too. The thing is though the way my dad talks to ppl and about ppl I can relate sometimes. I understand how his thought process works because I think the same way. It is like a pendulum constantly swinging back in forth from arrogance and self-pity. When it comes down to it though both me and my father are very insecure. The difference between us though it that I am aware of my problems. Ok now to me. I have had some events in my life that have conditioned my depression and self-defeating though process. At 18 I caught my girlfriend whom we had a very stable relationship with cheating on me. I later found out that she had major depression issues herself and just did not have the ability to care about her actions. Nextly I lived with a guy for 2 yrs and we were best of friends. Then he started to act a little strangley around me and other friends and ended up stealing an expensive piece of property from me and tried to seal it. I found out about it, threatend to call the police and got the property back. We dont talk anymore. I later found out that he knew that he got HIV from someone and obviously did not know how to handle it. This all happend the same time when my parents were going through the divorce and I also had a close friend die within that same yr. I have grown more and more bitter towards life. Despite all of this I have things in order. I am graduating from college this next spring, I have a pilot;s license and always have had good steady jobs. I have a good social life and some great friends. But I have some major drinking problems. Everytime I drink I start to think about these things and I get really depressed. Sometimes it makes me act of character and I will be mean and hostile to ppl around me...sometimes ppl I know and love real well. Receantly I have had another event that had just further my bitterness. I had a girl come into my life that I thought was amazing. We clicked on many levels and she made me feel good about myself because she told me great things about me. We fooled around a bit and then I come to find out she had a BF. She tells me that he is not nice to her and that she wants to possible get out of it and start a realtionship with me. At first I was hessitant but then after seeing her some more I wanted to start a relationship. Then she started to get weird on me...she kinda started to avoid me and when we did hang out she was always talking on her phone to other guys. Come to find out that she was still with her BF and also had been fooling around with another guy. I ran into this other guy at a party and asked him about her. He told me that she told him she wanted to be with him. Well this guy alerady has a GF so he didnt do anything with her. I was drunk when I found all this out and kinda flipped out on her. I think I may have called her ***** and said some other mean things. She may have desearved what was told to her but the next day I felt horrible about it and apoligezed to her. She seemed to be ok with it and we decided to keep things at a friendship level. Anyways two nights later I run into her at a halloween party and she does not even acknowlege me...she would walk by me and and like purposively move out of the way to not see me. So that just put me in a horrible mood and the rest of the night I was walking around being kinda hostile to everyone...not my good friends but just ppl I didnt really know well. Anyways I talked to her good friend the next day and she told me how she does this to a lot of guys. She has cheated on her boyfriend quite a bit and is always trying to get some guy to fall for her so she can push him away. So when it comes down to it I keep coming across crazy people that are making me crazy and bitter about life and human nature. I am aware that the things that have happend to me are not my fault but because of others. When I drink though I think about all this stuff and it makes me really depressed. I will think about it while sober too and it makes me depressed but not as intense. Ok well I am starting to ramble but I am just wonerding what to do now because I feel so empty and always have this feeling of being betrayed. A lot of times I just assume that ppl do not like me and are trying to use me for something. Any suggestions?
I have thought of some things to do to get me out of this lull I have been feeling lately. Start working out, cut back on the drinking big time, and focus more on school work. During this time that the girl was messing with my head I failed a test in one of my classes and missed a paper assignment. I had to drop it because I did not have the motivation to get a deceant grade in thier. Luckily I do not need the class and it is one of the hardest classes in my minor so I should not have even took it in the first place. Anyways if anyone else has suggestions please feel free to offer.
address the drinking problem before doing anything else. Oh, but start considering that there is nothing you can do about things that are not within your control. The way the young lady at the party acted is a good example. There is absolutely nothing you can do to *make* her act the way that you would prefer. Always know that you can only effect whatever is under YOUR control, not someone elses. You are able to decide how you will be affected by her behavior or anyone elses. It is a choice.
Yes I think the drinking thing is a huge part of my problem, because when I am sober for the most part I feel good. I am able to realize the things that happend to me are not because of me; but because of other people's problem. I have a deceant backround in pyschology and understand can generally pick up on certain aspects of ppl's personality and why they act the way they do. Like the girl who receantly messed with my mind....in the time getting to know her I found that she fit into a narcissictic perosonality, where she exzibits a very high self esteem but it is shattered very easily. It seemed to me that she always needs someone reinforcing her self worth.(which I have a bit of a problem with too) I think that she is also incredibly stubborn and sensitive. I think the things I said to her really got to her and is probably why she avoided me even though I had apoligezed to her. I am actually very happy the things happend the way they did because it is quite obvious she is not a good person to be around. I hate it too because she knows how to attract ppl to her and she uses to her advantage in a ruthless manner. Now considering me knowing this it still got to me when I had drinking to much because it was still something that happend to me...and she had made an impact on me. For some reason when I drink too much I lose the ability to think things out in a rational manner and start to self-destruct. It only happens to me when someting bad has receantly happend to me. I have nights as well after a good day where when I drink I feel euphoric and really good about myself..and it is probably has conditioned my drinking behavior. But like I said before I constanly swing from arrogance and self-pity. It is a cycle that I need to learn to defeat. I need to find a way to have a consistant personality to keep me and others around me happy. I am gonna try to cut back on the alcohol quite a bit because I think it will help a lot. Well if any else has suggestions please feel free to add to them.