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Old 11-10-2005, 02:38 PM   #1
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LilEeyore HB User
Unhappy NEWBIE... depressed, stressed, WHAT?? i'm lost and confused and hurt

At this point I don't know WHAT I feel... except lonely, sad, confused, and stuff. How do i know if i'm depressed or just stressed or just anxiety or just messed up with no word for it???
yes, life can be worse.... but it's taking it's toll on me right now... and all I feel like doing is sitting here and crying.... I hae a 3yr old and a 5yr old... and it's not fair to them... I go back next month for custody hearing vs their father... my divorce is not final yet..... i'm 26yrs old, can't find a job during "school hours" that i need since no one will help watch my kids except my mom a few hours after my daughter gets out of school... i only have the child support each week... nothing else... i try every day to apply for jobs in hopes..... I live with my mom who is a bit (a lot) of a control freak even though she doesn't really realize it... i have a fully retarded twin sister (oxygen cut off at birth) that's here at home with a trachiotamy & stomach peg... I have to help take care of her..... i just found out that where my dad is buried (died from cancers & tumors when i was 12) he has no head stone b/c my mom couldn't afford it then... even though he was in the Navy, and he's due his free one, she dind't want to b/c they wouldn't do it how she wanted.... and I have been seeing a wonderful man I gave my heart and more too... we planned on being married, planned on my kids and I moving down there next summer with him, shared dreams together...... he's in a very hard time with a MEAN MEAN MEAN custody case with his kids... i mean it's BAD MEAN........... he's stressed out with holiday sanyway , we live 2 hours apart... and we (kids & I ) spent this past Sat-Tues with him..... I got very bad vibes from him.... and now seemingly all of a sudden... he's not "exactly" breaking up with me... but we're not "exactly" together......... he hasn't usedthe words breaking up ... but to MY way of seeing it..... it is. I am confused and sad and hurt very badly because of this............ my chest heaves ...... myheart breaks........ i have this horrible pain in my left side of my neck behind my ear that near knocks me to my knees...... he says we could maybe still work, but he has to do things on his own for now...... he shoves everyone away when he's like this... and i love him so much..... he won't talk straight either.... yes i know it's a lot to accept from just him...

That's the big big thing the past few days anyway.... the other stuff is not mild mind you. My mom and I got into a major fight several weeks ago... she smacked me told me to get out, tried to bite me, spit in my face, etc... called my older sister (43) she got ******, she told my 5yr old if i left she'd call the cops on me... which she can't do.... and just so much... no i have no where else to go... i'm very grateful she has taken my kids and I in with no rent, etc..... I don't know about anything much anymore.

I love my kids to no end.. and i'd die for them in a heart beat...... sometimes i feel horrible thinking my life would have been easier without them. OH... I did forget to mention... I had a miscarraige on September 11th of this year. My boyfriend never really talked about it at all after that... I've had to cope with that totally on my own... my poetry helped lots.... and then September 17th my grandmother died (she was 91).... honestly that helped me with the loss of my baby.......... but ......

I sit here wanting to cry... confused..... my neck aches..... i dont' want to DO anything... i know if i keep busy that'd make time go by faster and that'd help heal things... and maybe things between he and I better... or make more sense... or something.... I'm hungry sometimes.... but i don't want to eat... i know i should... but the thought of it makes me scheeve. I've drunk about 3/4 of a single serving size of grapecranberry juice today.... i have a cough and every time i cough i feel like i'm going to throw up... i literally start to heave.....

my mom and a few other poeple lecture me about how ii'm too good for him and how i don'twant that in my life anyway, etc...... which is NOT what i want or need to hear right now. I'm still insured with my "ex" (ok not legally yet... we're working on that)..... but he got a new job, and insurance hasn't switched over yet...... i want to find someone to talk to about things.... i know i need help.... i get angry with my kids so fast too... i accidentally pushed my son down the other day ... i think i need help with anger too... it builds up inside of me............ i dont' have any friends around here..... i talk to my kids, my mom, and my 21yr old niece who is pregnant and grouchy... she's due 2 weeks before I would be due... and where as i'm excited for her.. it's very hard.

Right now i feel like i'd be better if somehow only he'd say we'd be fine... that we'd work through this..... and just needs the time by himself for court and all that....... i could handle that a lot better ....... i just hate this .. i hate everything about this and more.... and i have no one to turn to at all.... and that's hard.... any suggestions???

 
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Old 11-11-2005, 09:22 AM   #2
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qwerty1970 HB User
Re: NEWBIE... depressed, stressed, WHAT?? i'm lost and confused and hurt

LilEeyore, if I won the Power Ball, I would definitely try to help you out. But my luck is extremely bad. I can only give advice, sorry...
I think the major thing that's bringing you down is your environment. I think you need your own place and own life. Your family sounds like they push you around a lot, and your mum really shouldn't have treated you like that no matter how angry she was. You get angry at your family and probably your boyfriend too for treating you that way and ignoring your needs but can't do anything about it so it gets transferred to your kids and even to yourself (not eating, etc). That's the way we deal with emotions that we can't get out, they get handed down to others or we just keep them in and punish ourselves.
Look into assistance and low income, no income housing maybe. I think you would definitely qualify since you're only getting child support. Don't feel guilty for seeking financial help. It is only as a temporary thing, until you can get your life back on track and back to feeling better about yourself and getting a job. I can tell from your post that you're very intelligent, you shouldn't have any trouble getting a good job after you get your problems sorted out. Since you're getting insurance you might want to look into seeing a counselor to talk to since you can't really talk about what you're going through with your family. Ok, you don't need to hear it from me too, but I've been through the boyfriend saga where he's too stressed out with his own needs and won't make any committment, distant and moody. It's all about HIM all of the time. I know you love him but you ARE to good for him. You needed emotional support from him when you lost the baby and he should have been there for you. We always make excuses for the men we love but sometimes we have to admit to ourselves that we can't make them love us in the manner we should be. I made that mistake with my ex husband and have learned from it - I suffered emotionally and financially. You are still young. You have plenty of time to get things together and live a good life. You just need to get back to feeling good about and taking care of yourself. You and your kids should come first, then work on smoothing out relationships with everyone else. The aches and weirdness you feel is probably depression, stress and anxiety. They can cause physical symptoms too. If you go to a doctor they can give you meds to help you deal with this tough time. Well, I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel, hang in there. Sending blessings your way...

 
Old 11-11-2005, 09:55 AM   #3
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Virginia
Posts: 76
LilEeyore HB User
Re: NEWBIE... depressed, stressed, WHAT?? i'm lost and confused and hurt

Thank you.... I wish i could get out of here... nothing I'd like more than my own place... any place that has anything that i would be able to try to get assitance for is in a crappy part of town, and i'd rather live in my van here than in any house down there... the one decent place around is booked for like 3 years... and the housing assistance has nothing open.. i tried calling about it... they can't tell me when anything will be open... they post it in the paper... which we only get on Sunday... it's expensive that paper... it's a basic lose/lose situation i feel with tons of stuff.
One reason i don't eat much is b/c when i was depressed when my father was ill, and died, and in my teen years I got to be majorly overweight... i've lost a total of 130lbs in about 2 years, and still have about 30 to go.... that's not me being harsh on myself.. that's according to any scale of my age & height. but I've done so well til now, and I'm scared to put any more weight on. and our relationship is even harder b/c he's 2 hours away...

If i say much of anything to my mother, she b**** back at me as how HER life is harder and SHE didn't get to do thus and such so I should be grateful.... I've also heard numerous times that I"M the "lucky" one and "I" should get on my knees and thank God I'm not like my sister....

Yes i need to find a job... however i can't work weekends i can only work mon-fri during school hours b/c of child care ... mom will watch my daughter after school but not my son (my daughter is favored by my mom and my son is favored by their father.. THAT in itself is VERY hard)... and I need a job that will pay enough that I'll have extra money in the end after day care... most of the jobs i found that WOULD maybe hire me... in the end (even with child support).. i came ahead MAYBE $25 to $50.....

I have to wait til the insurance is switched over, but I really need to find someone to talk to... these pains in my neck pin me down when i get stressed... it sucks having no friends.. and though i don't want to be a charity case... i still wish someone would be sympathetic with me about SOMETHING you know?? in face to face stuff.

Thank you for responding to me... i very much appreciate it.

 
Old 11-12-2005, 04:49 AM   #4
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Trying2B HB UserTrying2B HB User
Re: NEWBIE... depressed, stressed, WHAT?? i'm lost and confused and hurt

ARE YOU ON ANY MEDICATION FOR YOUR DEPRESSION? I KNOW IT IS EASY TO WANT SOMEBODY IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW BUT WITH THE BOTH OF YOU GOING THROUGH DIVORCES IT COULD BE THE TYPICAL REBOUND EFFECT. I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO HERE THAT BUT WITH ALL YOU HAVE GOING ON YOU SHOULD TRY TO GET YOUR LIFE ON TRACT AND YOUR MIND IN THE RIGHT PLACE BEFORE YOU START INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP, BECAUSE IF IT FAILS IT COULD REALLY HURT YOU. I WOULD TRY TO SEE SOME SORT OF THERAPIST AND GET YOU HEAD STRAIGHT. THE ONLY THING YOU SHOULD BE CONCERNED WITH IS YOUR CHILDREN RIGHT NOW. THEY ARE AT A VERY IMPRESSIONABLE AGE AND NEED YOU TO BE THERE MIND, BODY AND SOUL. ONCE YOU HAVE CONQUERED THAT YOU SHOULD CONSIDER GETTING INTO A RELATIONSHIP. THIS IS JUST ADVICE, THAT'S ALL. IT IS SO EASY TO THINK YOU ARE IN LOVE BECAUSE YOU ARE AT A VERY VULNERABLE STAGE IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW BUT YOUR CHIDREN SHOULD COME FIRST AND I KNOW IT IS HARD. TRY TO SEEK SOME HELP, FREE HELP AND YOU CAN GET FREE MEDS TOO IF YOU NEED THEM. GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND GOD BLESS.

 
Old 11-12-2005, 09:26 PM   #5
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qwerty1970 HB User
Re: NEWBIE... depressed, stressed, WHAT?? i'm lost and confused and hurt

I understand. Our part of town with low income housing isn't extremely bad. SW PA Ambridge, but I can imagine other cities would not be as Ok. It is considered a crappy part of town but I have had friends who lived there and it wasn't that bad crime-wise. I understand the not eating part now. I lost my father too. It was hard since my mom wore the pants in the family. Mom was the enforcer, Dad was the sympathizer...I have always gained weight when stressed. The only way to stop is to stop severely. Unfortunately it's probably not the best thing for my system. But cold turkey is the only way it works for me too. Just be sure to take care of yourself while getting back to a comfortable you. I try to take vitamins when I remember. Congrats on the weight loss! That's awesome! Oh I hear the same thing from my mum too. She's had it so much worse! She worked for five years and became a housewife for the rest of her life, I've already put in 15 years of working for da man and loathed everyday of it. I've been through a BAD divorce and yadda yadda, and she's been through SO much more. I listen and sympathize. Resistance is futile. LOL.Sure, You are the lucky one but that's got nothing to do with you and your worth, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You don't control the wheel of fate.
Ok you need money. Daycare is overpriced for the normal person, true. You have access to a computer. One word for extra cash...online auctions. Go to fleamarkets, auctions, or thriftstores when you can. Scavenge possessions you don't need. Mark 'em up a dollar or two and you've made a couple extra bucks. Just be sure to ship them out quickly and safely (buyers pay for shipping). Take care...

 
Old 11-13-2005, 10:46 AM   #6
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LilEeyore HB User
Re: NEWBIE... depressed, stressed, WHAT?? i'm lost and confused and hurt

I used to do things like that.... but i now no longer have a credit (debit) card with some bad problems about a year ago with my bank account... no thanks to my ex husband... but th ebank won't sympathize with that... and anywhere i've found i have to have a checking account and a cc or debit card... i only hae a savings account... i can't get another banking account anywhere either from problems when i was 17... stupid stupid.. but right now ther'es nothing i can do about that.
I have tons of kids clothes and stuff too... nice, brand new with tags , etc. do you know anywhere else i might be able to try?

 
Old 11-13-2005, 09:29 PM   #7
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qwerty1970 HB User
Re: NEWBIE... depressed, stressed, WHAT?? i'm lost and confused and hurt

Ouch. My ex ruined my credit too. Bankruptcy. It's been 7 years now and it's taken a spotless record to get it turned around. Live and learn. I don't sign my name on anything anymore that I couldn't handle the bills for myself (such as a car I couldn't afford on my own that my ex stuck me with).
Trading Assistants on ebaywill handle all of the work but they will take a percentage of the profits. There's a search you can do to see if there are any in your area. You might want to look into that. A garage sale could get you a little cash but people usually aren't willing to pay much...

Last edited by qwerty1970; 11-13-2005 at 09:30 PM. Reason: added word

 
Old 11-13-2005, 09:41 PM   #8
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LilEeyore HB User
Re: NEWBIE... depressed, stressed, WHAT?? i'm lost and confused and hurt

actually.. i had a yardale 2 weeks ago.. i sold absolutely NOTHING! *faints* advertised in the paper and put up signs.... had videos, furniture (tons of clothes of course), a TV (like brand new btw!)... a printer, a toddler bed, yard toys, you name it... and it's not freezing around here.... i had MAYBE 8 people show up... but I was SHOCKED! NOTHING got sold and i didn't price stuff ridiculous either....

I think we have one of those ebay shop things around here... i've seen one somewhere.. here or down near my boyfriends.... i have some nice kid clothes too.. i wish my mom would let me use her cc... but she won't. Not that i honestly blame her... "just in case" even..... my brother sells on ebay but he won't help me out.. I asked that already.... ~men~ (no offence to those in here... just my 5 brothers, my was-is-dunno boyfriend, and ex husband LOL)... my car has problems too... it gets me where i need to go.. but it won't stay like that foreer.... which is sad b/c my ex's dad owns a used car place and fixes them up... he GAVE my ex a fairly nice car etc... ok not that he should GIVE me a car... but I'm driving the kids around everywhere in that.... sooooooo.................... ya know?? I tell ya... this stuff has me so out of it that I forgot to take my daughte rto her dance class on Friday!! I realized it Saturday and felt like smacking myself... augh. and I sit here bummed out... it's almost 1am and I haven't heard anything at all.... not that 2 or 3 days would kill anyone in any situation... but STILL!!! leaves the void and all still very much there... oh well.

 
Old 11-14-2005, 07:56 AM   #9
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LilEeyore HB User
Re: NEWBIE... depressed, stressed, WHAT?? i'm lost and confused and hurt

i got a rather impersonal email from him today.... nothing about "us" mentioned, or us talking... which i really feel we need to do.... i was doing better... i was trying so hard to do better.......... and now... i'm crying again and shaking my back hurts and my hands are shaking and my feet are tingly/numb...... it started off "hi noelle" and ended "take care of yourself... always, john".............

i hate this... i hate hate hate hate hate it.......... and i feel sooooo bad about myself... i don't know how i can take more of this... i don't know....

 
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