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Old 11-12-2005, 10:19 AM   #1
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AmyW HB User
New here. Just need to vent.

Hi all. I've suffered from severe depression all of my life. It has been bad in the past but seems to have hit the breaking point the past couple of years. I feel like crying all of the time, just want to sleep and never get out of bed. This is impossible as I have a 16-month old son.

I seem to take things horribly and blow tiny incidents way out of proportion when I could handle them better if only I wasn't so depressed and irritated all the time. For the record, I do NOT take any of my horrible feelings out on my son. I put on a brave "happy mommy" face for him, but things would be better if I was truly well. This isn't extended post partum depression. This is a chronic condition which is compounded by the fact that no medication has helped so far. (Tried Prozac, Zoloft, Welbutrin, Lexapro, etc).

I hate myself, I hate life in general and everything about it except my son, who is a wonderful little angel. I'm seeing a counsellor but my next appointment isn't until Nov. 21. What to do until then? Sit and cry? What good does that do? My husband is very supportive but doesn't understand my mental state. I'm sitting here considering calling one of those anonymous 800 numbers for depression but I'd feel stupid sitting there crying on the phone to a stranger. Besides, my son will wake up from his nap any second and I'd have to hang up....so what's the point.

Sorry to ramble on but I feel really, really hopeless today. Thanks for listening.

 
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Old 11-12-2005, 11:12 AM   #2
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Re: New here. Just need to vent.

Hi Amy

Welcome to the boards. I'm sorry you're having a particularly rough time right now. It's so good to hear you have a supportive husband especially with your little guy. I have a son too although he's already left the nest, so to speak.
I've also dealt with depression all my life. There have been ups and downs and recently I hit another low spot. Posting on this board has helped.

Sometimes I hate myself too and I do nothing but negative self talk which of course makes me even more depressed. I wish I had someway of helping you, but I don't have any words of wisdom. Only those of us who suffer from depression really understand this condition and what we go through. Although, I still get mad at myself for not being able to beat this on my own.

Did you used to work outside the home before the birth of your son? If so, do you keep in contact with anyone from work? Do you have friends or relatives to talk to? There are always people here to talk to, 24/7.

Good luck and here's some extra warm hugs coming your way, ((((((((Amy))))))))))

Marcia

 
Old 11-14-2005, 10:52 AM   #3
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Re: New here. Just need to vent.

Thank you for replying, Marcia. I did work outside the home until my son was about 4 months old. He became very clingy and attached to me and would scream and cry until I came home which sometimes was very late (11pm or later).

My husband and mother in law did their very best to deal with this but my son would still be awake shrieking and miserable until I came home. By that time, he was so over-tired and upset that it took me forever to simply calm him down. I quit work due to this but he's still very much attached to me, which keeps me from working. Our financial situation is poor, and I need to work. I think it would help with the depression. But since I can't even go to the bathroom without my son pitching a fit, this seems impossible. I know I could just do it and hope for the best, but I don't want to torture him or my mother in law, who would be home alone dealing with him.

Sorry to ramble on, I'm just feeling a bit hopeless. I appreciate the kind welcome and words of comfort. Reading that others feel this way does help somewhat.

Amy

 
Old 11-15-2005, 12:33 PM   #4
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a_blue_nowhere HB User
Re: New here. Just need to vent.

This is a great place to vent amy, I have needed that sometimes too. Your appt is just a week away so hopefully you will get some help. Sorry you are going through such a rough time.

 
Old 11-15-2005, 03:43 PM   #5
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Smile Re: New here. Just need to vent.

there's a product called 'gaba' in the health food store that might help. It costs about $10-$15 a bottle and you only need to take one pill a day but you can take 2-3 if you need it several times a day (wears off in 23 hours) It gives a person a very calm and serene feeling of happiness. I don't know why more people don't use it instead of harsh meds which have side effects. Also there is '5htp' which is a precurser to Serotonin in the health food store which will elevate Serotonin naturally instead of having to rely on antidepressants. Course you would need to discuss it with a doc if you breast feed. Both Gaba and 5htp are made in the human brain, what is sold in the health food store is made by a chemist.

You may not be depressed, which could be why the meds didn't work. You might just be fed up and need a change of pace and scenery.

 
Old 11-26-2005, 05:26 PM   #6
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AmyW HB User
Re: New here. Just need to vent.

I'll look for those items in the health store, see if they do any good. I have an appt with my psych on tuesday though, who is supposed to try and find and AD that will help stabilize my moods.

Yes, this is depression, as i've had it as long as I can remember. A change of pace would do no good whatsoever. I've moved, made friends, found fun things to do, blah blah blah....and the feelings remain. I need meds to fix this. My entire family suffers and are all on stabilizing drugs.

Not having a good day today, my son has started pitching the most horrendous tantrums you could imagine, screaming, going "limp noodle" over the slightest thing, kicking, biting, slapping, pinching, you name it. I have a very hard time staying calm during his fits because he normally attacks me physically and ends up biting the fire out of me while I try to get a hold on him. I've been using his playpen as a time out spot but so far it isn't working.

Having a young child (he's 17 months) who goes ballistic all day long while dealing with severe depression is horrible. I want to run away but don't want to abandon my son, or my husband who is absolutely wonderful and supportive. I cry all the time, though I usually do so in the bathroom or somewhere that it isn't seen. I dont want my tension and horrid feelings to rub off on my son. He deserves the best start in life possible and I feel I'm failing him as well as my marriage.

Sorry, I've rambled on again. I could write a novel about how I feel. If you managed to read to the end, you must really care. Thanks.

Amy

 
Old 11-26-2005, 06:08 PM   #7
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JP30 HB User
Re: New here. Just need to vent.

Hang in there...

*good thoughts & prayers*

 
Old 11-27-2005, 01:20 PM   #8
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Rianna HB User
Re: New here. Just need to vent.

Hi - You have received some very positive and good replies, just thought I would add one of my own. Please don't discount Antidepressants, because a certain class (which you described a class called SSRI's) did not work. I too, tried Zoloft, Lexapro, Paxil, Prozac and none worked for me. I decided to give up on antidepressants and go on supplements, however, although supplements are very good, they are not regulated or go through extensive or thorough testing like antidepressants to (about seven years I think before they come FDA regulated) before they are put out on the market. SAM-e (over the counter - Amino Acid) really helped me, but it stopped working after two and half years. Antidepressants are very effective, however, you have not found the right one yet, and perhaps trying a different class of antidepressants such as SSNRI's, or the older Tryclyclics may help. I am glad that I gave antidepressants another try because I am on Remeron now and it has helped a great deal. If I did not give them another try, I would be suffering or going around trying to find different supplements or having to take two - six capsules a day that some herbs/supplements require. I find that just taking one pill a day - antidepressant is much easier than trying all these different supplements. Dietary Supplements or herbs are not all "safe and natural" as many people think, but have a chemical and synthesized process as they are put together and some supplements do have side effects, just like antidepressants. I had a friend who tried Ginko Biloba and her heart started to race so fast, she was taken to the hospital. You have to find the right antidepressant for you, and it can sometimes take several tries or perhaps a combo. I would highly recommend a thorough physical and mental evaluation by a trained specialist - also, see about having your thyroid checked as an overactive or underactive can be a sign of depression. Best of luck to you!

 
Old 11-29-2005, 10:30 AM   #9
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Re: New here. Just need to vent.

Hi Amy! Just want you to know that I understand. A lot of what you feel, I feel as well. I was a young mom. My son is 18 now and my daughter is 11. I'm going through a difficult time right now as well. Your thread was actually the first one I read. I'm new to this as well and really, really need to vent. Some may say I'm nuts(sometimes I think I'm nuts) but you can always share with me. I don't judge- sometimes all people need is for someone to listen and show they care. I do feel your pain as I have a lot of my own. Be strong and hang in there. Gosh, I know -"easier said than done", right? I'm trying to take my own advice. I wish you peace of mind and take care. Blossom

 
Old 11-29-2005, 07:46 PM   #10
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AmyW HB User
Re: New here. Just need to vent.

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the replies. Also, welcome to the boards, Blossom! Saw the psych today and am now on two AD's he thinks will make a difference. Still seeing the counsellor as well.

Feeling a little more hopeful, now that I have meds to take again. Hopefully they will work! Thanks again everyone.

Amy

 
Old 12-13-2005, 06:12 AM   #11
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Talking Re: New here. Just need to vent.

Hi Amy, Just wanted to check and see how u have been. Okay, I hope. I'm doing better. I think the Lexapro is finally kicking in and a lot of praying. Just want you to know I think about you and pray for you. I do hope your ok. Take care ok. If you need to talk or write, I'm here for you. Everyone needs someone. Hope I can be your friend. Sending you a hug. blossom

 
Old 12-13-2005, 10:14 AM   #12
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AmyW HB User
Re: New here. Just need to vent.

Quote:
Originally Posted by blossom1211
Hi Amy, Just wanted to check and see how u have been. Okay, I hope. I'm doing better. I think the Lexapro is finally kicking in and a lot of praying. Just want you to know I think about you and pray for you. I do hope your ok. Take care ok. If you need to talk or write, I'm here for you. Everyone needs someone. Hope I can be your friend. Sending you a hug. blossom
Hi blossom, I'm really glad that you're feeling better. The Lexapro isn't helping me yet but I've only been on it two weeks. The other AD isn't helping yet eithe (Mirtazapine).

I appreciate your kind posts. It's nice to know that someone I"ve never met is concerned about me. I really do thank you for being so lovely.

I'm still not feeling right. I have periods where I feel like ramming my head into a wall, I just feel rotten overall. To make matters worse, I have a couple of medical problems that have necessitated a hysterectomy. Trying to get it scheduled for next month. My husband and I would really like to have another baby, but we can't afford one anyway. I feel very depressed about this subject and very hopeless. I could forgo the surgery but since having another child would put us further into financial problems, it really isn't an option.

I"m already 35 so the clock has been ticking for some time. Sorry, dont mean to whine, I'm just really, seriously upset about this. I'm going to lay down for awhile. Thanks for listening.

Amy

 
Old 12-17-2005, 07:33 PM   #13
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blossom1211 HB User
Re: New here. Just need to vent.

Hello Amy, How are you? I'm so sorry. I wished there was something I could do for you. If I could make things better for you, I would. I know it has got to be extremely hard for you and your husband right now. I'm not sure what to say other than I wished I could take your pain away. I've been on Lexapro now for about 5 weeks. I do get up and out of bed. I've started cleaning up my house again. I use to do it continuously, then when the depression really took hold, I stopped. I stopped doing everthing. I feel the Lexapro has helped as far as my getting some what back into a routine, but now there are other situations occuring. I find that now I feel angry a lot of the time. Angry at myself mostly. My sex life sucks totally. I'm not sure about yours but mine is terrible. I use to be able to have an orgasm, now just nothing. That was at least one way to relieve some stress. Now it's like added to the stress. I feel my husband is starting to get frustrated because things have changed so drastically. I try to explain it's not him, it's me. Do you think it's from the Lex or is it just me, mentally? I've been married 19 yrs. and it hasn't been easy. I've had a rocky marriage to say the least. It sounds like yours if doing well. It is, isn't it? My mom and sister no longer speak to me.Some terrible things happened after dad died between them and myself. I'll explain about that issue later. My son has moved out. (Which is for the best for now) I'll tell you more about that later as well. So all in all, my life is still really messed up. I will see a new ob-gyn on Jan 5. I have a new one now. The other one was an arrogant ***. I know my endo is back. Worse now than before. My back is killing me. I take 10 mg of methodone in the a.m. and another 10 in p.m. Was taking valium for sleep. I'm out and nothing seems to help. Again, I just feel so **** angry all the time. At times I just want to beat the hell out of something. Still trying to find job. No luck yet. My life really sucks and just doesn't seem to get any better. What are we going to do? I really do have NO ONE. That's depressing in itself. Don't ever feel like your whining or bothering me. I'm here for you. You can vent to me anytime you like. I do you the same way. I want to be your friend. God knows, I need one. Maybe we can just try and help each other. I just wanted to say again, that I'm sorry Amy. I really am. They say everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we don't know why and don't understand but I do believe that. Just like I know we will get through this. Not sure how yet, but we got to try. Right? I know my thoughts are all scattered about, just like my brain. I hope I can sleep tonight. I'm so tired of not sleeping. I guess I'm just tired of everything. I hope I haven't made you feel even more depressed. Sorry if I have. I do hope your okay. Drop me a quick note or if you feel like venting....here I am. Just want to know your okay. Please take care of yourself Amy and know you do have a friend that understands. Your in my thoughts and prayers. (((((((((HUGS PRAYERS))))))))))Blossom

 
Old 12-24-2005, 11:46 PM   #14
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blossom1211 HB User
Re: New here. Just need to vent.

Amy, Haven't heard from you. Are you okay? You've really been on my mind lately. Please drop a note and let me know your okay. Thinking about you. Your in my prayers.(((((HUGS AND PRAYERS))))) Blossom

 
Old 12-25-2005, 09:58 AM   #15
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Picali HB User
Re: New here. Just need to vent.

Hi Amy

Was just reading through the posts and wondered if you'd had your son checked out for any cranial problems? I'm not suggesting there's anything 'wrong' with him, but he seems harder to cope with than most kids his age? Lots of kids have problems with their skulls that stem from the birth and this can cause all sorts of problems. I read that you said money was tight so don't know if this is an option, but if you can find a cranial osteopath you might find that a few sessions really calm your son down and make him easier to manage? My son improved massively after just one session, I now take him regularly and find him much easier to cope with (my situation was similar to yours, I was v depressed and my boy was v clingy/hated being left etc although he didn't have tantrums, just wanted to be cuddled all the time). I know it won't 'cure' your depression, but maybe if he was easier and you were able to go to work a bit it might help you feel better? Just a thought. There are charities in the UK that help out with medical costs sometimes, I don't know if you can access something similar (I'm assuming you're in the States?). Something else that might help you is homeopathy - I've never responded well to anti-d's but homeopathic treatments worked really well and really quickly for me.

Anyway, just a couple of thoughts - hope something there might be helpful?

Take care

Janine

 
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