I used to be really secrative about my self harm etc, but these boards have helped me open up to my close family and friends. All was good to start, but now im finding that no-one seems to care. I know they do, but i just want some attention. I know it sounds pathetic.
I know cutting can be attention seeking for some, but for me it was all personal. That was my "out". For months i wanted nothing more than to fade into the background or crawl under the duvet for weeks, but now that im on the right meds im climbing up a bit. I want to be around people and have fun. I kinda distanced myself from a lot of people and now i dont know how to get them back. I cant just sit down and ask "please be my friend and call me up, or invite me out". Whenever i try to make plans with them they're busy and i take the knockback personally and amnt willing to do it again.
When it comes to my family i feel so selfish- im always asking for space and now that they've given me it i wana turn round and change it all again.
I just wanna be important to someone... to be on their mind all the time. My cousin just had a baby and the other day i got this huge urge that maybe thats my answer......... unconditional love from a baby of my own. I know its for the wrong reasons but ive always wanted children so its just bringing things forward
Maybe you could help me with a question I have-- You have had depression and it sounds like you have cut youself before-- me too. You know how hard life can be- Why would you want to bring a child into this world of pain and suffering- to experience maybe as much or more pain than you??
Oh please, think three or four times about having a child. If you don't get years of help before you do that, and come out of your depression into some sort of stable mood, you will be bringing a child into a life of misery. I know, it's tempting to think that just by one simple act of procreation you can end up with a little darling that will love you forever, that will give you what the world has not, and will give you the illusion of "family". But why would you want to create another person who feels just like you, only worse? Having a child so you can receive unconditional love is doing so for the most selfish of reasons. Having a child will not fix you, it will only perpetuate the pattern of depression, deprivation and dysfunction.
Not to sound harsh, but I know how it feels to be the child of alcoholic, depressed and abusive parents. It is a life sentence. Yes, I have done well but I have done so with lots of therapy, tons of motivation and persistent spiritual work. I am one of the lucky ones, and I still suffer from depression.
So, just try and get well first. Talk to a doctor or psychiatrist. Do the meds, the talk therapy, whatever you can. Then, after that, you will know when the time is right to have a child. Try to think of it from the child's perspective.
I was really interested when I read your post as your story is very similar to mine. My advice is to really focus on getting yourself well and surrounding yourself with people who do have time for you. It's very difficult to start building a new social circle, and accepting that your family don't have time for you, but it can be done and the fact that you realise it's part of the problem is a really good sign.
If you're not already, I'd recommend counselling - really good for self esteem and an outlet for all negative emotions (I used to self-harm, when I feel bad now I reach for the phone rather than the razor). Try and join some in some activities in your local area - any kind of sport or exercise group is great, not only for your mind, but also to start making friends. The nice thing is they won't know about your background as so will make their opinions on the person they meet now, not the things you've done before. Check your local information centres for courses, hobbies, get togethers, anything that will get you into a social environment. It is perfectly normal to feel anxious about something like this, so don't give yourself a hard time if you do - set yourself the target of just turning up at first and try not to worry too much about anything else.
With regards to having a baby, I'd suggest you spend a lot of time with your cousin and her newborn, preferably when the baby is screaming and won't settle. Then try and imagine that you've already listened to that screaming for three hours, you've not slept more than three hours at a time for seven weeks, your breasts are sore and heavy, your nipples are bleeding from the two hourly feeds, you're still bleeding and your stitches didn't heal properly and you have an infection, as well as piles which means you can't sit down comfortably. Add to that a good old fashioned dose of post-natal depression (and remember, you can't rest because your baby needs constant attention) and do you think it will be long before you're self harming again? Don't get me wrong, children are the most beautiful thing in the world and the love between a parent and child is the most incredible thing I've ever experienced, but the reason that love is so strong is because it is THE HARDEST WORK YOU WILL EVER HAVE TO DO!! Imagine doing all of that the way you feel at the minute? Spend time with your cousin's baby, enjoy them, cherish them, but work like fury on yourself and get yourself really, really well before you think about having one of your own, so that you can really enjoy your own child. I came close to killing myself and my baby on more than one occassion because I couldn't cope and it seemed like the only way out. You'd be making your baby responsible for you being happy and feeling fulfilled - that's your issue to deal with, not your child's, and one that you're already on the way to sorting out. Give it some more time and things will really improve for you (I speak from experience!).
I was having a really bad day when i started this post, i know im my heart that i could never inflict this on a child. I just needed to vent and see things in front of me to sort my head out a little.
Im seeing a councillor and taking my meds religiously. I live on an island with a really small community so its not the sort of place that i can do anything annonymously. Sometimes i just feel like im doing everything thats been suggested but nothing helps.... thats why i get so frustrated and start thoughts like this.
Ive not cut for about 19 days now, so im really pleased with my progress. Its just hard trying to find something to fill that space. I am trying though
You sound like you're really on the road to recovery - you've done the hard bit by getting the help and facing up to things. It's not easy, but we all get there in the end.
I know what you mean about living in a small community, it is difficult because you're kind of living your life in front of everyone. Is there a possibility you could move away in the future when you're better, new job or college or something?
Hope you're doing okay. It's great that you're posting on here when things are tough, and 19 days without cutting is fantastic. I was given a really good tip once - put stars on your calendar on the wall - gold star for a good day, silver for mediocre and bronze for not so good. It gives you a picture of how well you're doing, plus if you have a bad day you don't want to spoil your row of gold stars - gives an incentive not to cut. Sounds crazy but it really helped me.