I feel like things have been looking up over the past while. I've not cut myself in over 3weeks now and i think my medication is really starting to make a difference. All of a sudden tonight i've just had this massive low hit me. I thought i was getting past this. Although i have bad days i've not been having "episodes" much at all- where a big black cloud just takes over me.
I feel like this is a big step back and im not actually getting on as well as i thought. I'm in the house alone and the urge to cut is so bad. I've cried so much that my head is pounding and i just cant cry anymore. My whole body hurts. I forgot how it is to feel this bad. I just sat and ate nine chocolate bars. I wanted a sugar rush to pick me up but all that happened was that they hit my stomach and feel so crap. I've had to make myself sick which i've been controlling so well. I just feel like a huge failure. I thought lasting a couple of weeks was goood, but i've just ruined it all and realised that it was pathetic anyway. I'm not going to be able to change so why make my life harder by trying?????? It's such a struggle and it gets me nowhere.
I know my family love me and care for me. The awful thing is that it's not enough. They give me everything and im still asking for more. I wsnt someone to fix me. What sort of awful person sees how much their family do and still say it's not enough????? I know what they do for me, but it's not even tapping on the shell. I've got an appointment with hte psychiatric nurse on Thurs. I've been waiting for over a month for it and now I dont want to go. What will i say to her? What can she say to me that i dont already know? Can she wave a magic wand and take away this hurt??????? I cant stand this anymore, it hurts too much and my head and my heart and my body cant cope. It's all just melting down like a candle and i cant get it back together. When i see how easily im melting it makes me sick- some people go through hell and back and stay stronger than me. Im so weak and i hate myself for it. I cant stick to anyhting. At new year i said i was turning over a new leaf- no more cutting and no more being sick. It's not even febuary and i've ruined it. 2006 was meant to be a new start. A new chance. I've given in to myself already and now theres no hope. I saw how strong i was getting. If i can fall from that height then i'll never change. I'll never get that high again. It was hard to get better, i cant go through that again. I want to just stay down here now.
My family will be so disappointed in me. They all think im getting better and they think its great etc.... im too ashamed to tell them that i've not achieved anything and im back where i used to be. I've got nothing going for my in my life. Im on sick leave from my job. I ahve no friends who i can talk to or who understand me. They all come to me with their problems and expect me to fix them but no1 is interested in mine. I've met this guy who is great, but im scared of getting too close cos i know i'll lose him. I've kept all this stuff from him so far. He's lovely but he'll run a mile. I can tstand that. I just want to have fun and be around someone who likes me for me and that i can be like a normal 21 year old.
Sorry for ranting.... I just had to get it all out.
I just wanted to say I am thinking of you and I understand the kind of wrenching pain you are talking about - when you feel like you could cry forever....I think we all slide backwards too - if you can, try to think of it as a lapse and tomorrow is another day....sometimes it seems so much like "all or nothing" and sometimes that's all I can see too, but really there are all kinds of choices...I usually only see that in hindsight - but I've been down there enough times to know it's true....I don't know if any of this helps - but please hang in there and try not to be so hard on yourself for slipping backwards....it took alot for you to change things around like you did - and you deserve a lot of credit for that....it can be there again because you have done it before....I'm sorry if it seems like I don't understand - but please at least know you are not alone and I will be thinking of you....I wish you only the best....
Your post brought me to tears. It was almost as if I was reading my own writing. I don't cut myself or make myself sick, but I have to deal with feeling like utter crap every day. I know of my potential but I can't bring myself to do anything with it. I know there's nothing I can say that can comfort you... or maybe there is, but it will only be temporarily. Just know that you should stick around. And that you're in my prayers.
I completely understand where you're coming from - I've said/felt all of those things so many times in my life and I know how hard it is.
You will have bad times along the road to recovery. One of the things about these sorts of problems is that you go back and forth as you get better. You know how your cuts scab over? They don't bother you until the scab starts to itch - it drives you crazy but it's a sign that your body is repairing itself and once it's off it stops hurting again. Recovery's the same, your mind's getting used to the adjustments and sometimes it gets hard again for a while.
Put some visual stuff up on the wall - stars on a calendar, gold for a good day, silver for mediocre, bronze for not so good. The sight of a row of gold starts has a positive effect, it shows you that even though things are tough now, they haven't been for a while. Over time you'll see a pattern - your mood will still dip, but less and less and it won't last as long. Everyone has moods, you'll never feel great 100% of the time, no-one does. Gradually yours will get easier to deal with - everytime you get through a spell like this you'll be a bit stronger and the next one will be easier to deal with.
If you cut yourself, it's not a big deal. It doesn't mean you should throw in the towel and give up. It's a way you've coped for a long time now, it's not realistic to expect the urge to go away and never come back. I still feel the need to cut sometimes, even though I haven't for over a year now. There are other things you can do to let the feelings out. Punch pillows, rip up phone books, get a load of old sheets and rip them to shreds. Put things in the house that you can destroy safely - knowing they're there makes it easier to cope because you have an alternative to cutting that will get the feelings out without you hurting yourself. Get in to some really hard physical exercise, daily if you can - running, swimming, kick-boxing, anything where you can really push yourself and get those feelings out in a constructive way.
You're already half way to beating this. It won't win, I promise you that, because you've already shown how strong you are. Sometimes our sub-conscious gets scared - it's used to us dealing with unpleasant things in a certain way. When we change our behaviour, it gets a little nervy and tries to get us to do the old things again. This is a sign that it's working - you've nearly got this licked. Don't give up now. Be kind to yourself - a few bad days doesn't negate what you've achieved in the last six weeks. Do you know it takes six weeks to make or break a habit? You've got this beaten - focus the next six weeks on alternative ways of dealing with the urge to cut. Get it all out of your system and these difficult times will get so much easier to deal with.
Keep your morale up. Make a list, everyday, of everything you do - got up, cleaned teeth, made bed, got dressed and so on. Focus on the positives and keep looking for more things to add to your list. The more positive there is around you, the less space there is for negative.
You can do this. Take it a day at a time (or an hour at a time if a day's too much). Cry all you want, it's a good release. Don't give yourself a hard time about feeling bad - would you beat yourself up if you had cancer? Of course not. This is an illness, like any other. It's not your fault it's happening to you, it's a testament to your strength that you're dealing with this so well.
Good grief, I'm rambling on! I hope you haven't fallen asleep!.
Big hugs to you - hang on in there, it will get better, I promise.
Janine, I loved how positive your post was. Iv still got this black cloud over me and although i cant really believe it yet, its good to hear that it will get better. Ive spent the past few days in bed, trying to cry it out. I just feel so alone. Got appointment with the psych nurse tommorow, been waiting to see her for ages. Duno what to expect at all. Im so scared. I dont know what to say. I got a yeast infection from antibiotics i took for my throat infection, and ive got really bad constipation. Think this is from new meds (on 3rd week of taking effexor) So having body aches as well as a sore mind is making me worse. Im feeling very sorry for myself and its making me angry. I cut the other day..... i was so fed up of being so weak. I got really angry and felt so worthless. When will this cycle end??? I just dont see a way out or the end of the tunnel. What can i do??? How can i just be normal? It hurts so bad
Just wondered if you've tried any supplements along with your meds? I've taken fish oil, a multi-vit and an additional b-vit supplement for well over a year now and it has made a real difference. Can you get Rescue Remedy in your area? It's a herbal preparation, just v good for general anxiety - it's very comforting. They also do a cream which is good for healing the skin if you have hurt yourself at all. You can also get light simulation light bulbs if lack of sunlight might be affecting your mood?
Just a few other things that can have an effect.
I really feel for you, I've been there too many times now. Sometimes we need a few days in bed, I really do believe our bodies make us depressed because we have to rest and most of us won't until we're forced into it!
daisy i know what you mean it all started for me when my ex dumped suddenly i didn't know what to do I'm on two antidepressents but i still feel like i need help and the help i'm getting just is not enough
well as well as my effexor i take cod liver oil, iron supps, multi vit and zinc (im veggi so try to make up for what i lack) daily. Ive heard of rescue remedy but wasnt sure if its just a gimmic or not. One of my friends said today about SAD... she says i should find out about sun replacement therapy cso it really helped her.
I feel so bad cos i never went to my appointment today and lied to my mum. I woke up about 5am with such a pain in my chest. I really thought i was having a heart attack!!! i just knew i shouldnt go. I duno how to explain it, my heart just told me not to. I met a friend 2nite to catch up. She knows most of the stuff thats been goin on with me. I told her a bout missed appt and she said if i thought i shouldnt go then there mus be reason for it... i shouldnt worry cos i did right thing. Made me feel better cos thats what i think. psychy wouldnt have understood and would just have made me feel bad. i dont want that. she would have mad eme out to be an idiot and iv had enuff of that from other ppl. Its so scary trustin ppl witth important secrets. Most ppl have let me down. Now ve met sum1 i really like but am too scared to talk to him incase he runs. He sasked me 3 times about cuts on my legs.... i just make silly joke and pass it off. Im so torn cos i think, y would he ask if he didnt care? but also he will stop carin if he knows how disgrasefull i am.
i know this is so bad and il prob get reported because of it, but duno what to do cos every1 is in bed. Feel so bad right now, nowhere to turn. taken 8 of my tabs... know i shouldnt but jsut wanted to sleep. now im so angry that iv cut myself gain. was tryin so ahrd and i cant keep it up. 2nite sum1 saw cuts in my arm and said "either u work in kitchen or ur into self harm" it made me so ashemed. i told him i fell off sledge onto rock, but he sed that didnt make sense. i just duno what to do, dont wana wake up to deal wit h it all 2moro, im not strong enough. How does every1 else cope every day? only option r keep cuttin til it stops hurtin or take more pills. y cant i see a way out?????? i want my mum to fix me so much. i hate this
First of all Hi, I am new to this forum, and I'm glad I found it, as I was strolling through different forums here I found this one, and saw your posting and it got my attention right away. I would like to know that's if you want to tell me. When did you start cutting yourself? Why? And really answer with the honest truth, ask yourself ?WHY? I am no Dr. or anything like that but I want to help you if I can in any way. I'm always trying to help those around me before myself, I guess I'm good with that, for me doing that I feel better as well. I have my own problems and believe me when I say this I have some, but I try to keep busy, and that has caused some efects in me as well, starting with my BP.
But I will try my best to control myself and keep and helping those around me, for example my gfriend, she's now goin through some problems with anxiety as like me, but here I am trying to help her first. Tha's just what I feel in my heart to do.
Enough with me now I want you to answer my questions, so then I can go from there.
I Will Pray For You As Well "Remember you are not alone God's with you at all times"
DaisyAlba - I just wanted to offer you some hugs. I am sorry you are experiencing this - I know how horrible it all can be. I get so mad and frustrated with myself when I slip up or start falling backwards. I hate myself for not being able to pull myself out of it. I also have the same doubts about therapy. Like you said, what can they tell us that we don't already know?
Sorry I don't have any advice for you. I just wanted to wish you well.
Thanks everyone, been having a few really bad days and your encouragement really helps.
Duno what i was thinking the other night. I just felt like there was no way to stop slipping back. I hate the fact that ive got fresh cuts- really disapointed in myself. But dont want to keep feeling like this so thats a good thing.
I paid for taking too many tabs- slept all day fri. Woke up about 10.30pm feelin so groggy and the room wouldnt stop spinning. Tried to eat then went back to sleep til lunchtime friday. Still dont feel right though. Like a constant hangover. I think thats how all this started... i was out with a friend on thurs and was pretty drunk. Effexor packet says not to drink but i dont always pay attention to these things. Does anyone know why not? Well, i guess ive just shown that!! lol. I just keep tryin to remind myself that im still gettin used to change of medication and it does say that things might seem worse or have suicidal feelings.
Patience, Thanks for taking the time. I first cut a few years ago. I was 18and had just moved away from home. My parents had just split and then my long term bf split with me. Ive got a 2inch scar on my right arm bcos of it. It was just a very occasional thing then though. I just felt like i had to focus my energy on something. I know its bnetter to do something creative or even kick the bed, but nothing gives me release like this. Since the autumn iv been doin it more often. SOmetimes 3 or 4 times a week which is a lot for me. I dont even know what made me think o doing it the first time. Ive tried to rack my brains but really dont know.
Karen, ive seen a few of your posts recently and you seem so positive!! Thankyou so much for your hugs, really appriciated. Your not trying to pretend that you can fix me, but acknowledging that slipping back feels so endless reassures me that it might just be that, and if you can come back up then so can i.
Hi Daisy. I've been reading your posts and am so sorry to hear that you're feeling so low and out of sorts. I suffer from horrible major depression and though I have good days, I do feel like I slip back several steps more often than not. It truly is an endless feeling, like it will NEVER, ever get any better. As soon as you feel you're making progress, BLAM, it hits you like a ton of bricks and you backslide right to the beginning.
Hon, you are definately not alone in this. I really wish I could help you see that there are other people who are miserable and who care about you, even if we don't know you outside this forum.
I've never cut myself, but I understand from reading your posts that it helps you feel focused, in control of something. Don't beat yourself up for giving in and cutting. It will take lots of time for you to get better, and when you lose control and give in to it, while it's not good, it's very understandable. I also understand why you'd be hesitant to tell anyone the true reason for your scars and cuts. Who knows if the person would be sympathetic or look at you as if you were weird? Get to know the person better, before you reveal anything, and make sure you feel comfortable enough to do so. Don't feel pressured.
I hate that you took so many pills. I was so worried about you when I read that. Glad that you're okay, though I know you must feel like total Hell, groggy, nauseated, so sleepy. I've done the same thing before, and always regretted it.
I understand about not going to your appointment too. If this nurse isn't helping you, or if you feel she will make you feel worse, can you change to someone else? You deserve proper treatment, care that wlll help you, not hinder your progress. If you're not comfortable with this nurse, find someone else please.
I care for you and sincerely hope that you can find some peace very, very soon. Hon, please keep your chin up. You're among friends here, even if it's words on a screen. The people behind them want the best for you.