Toomuch

I am new here, I am 36 years old with a 17 yr.old 13 yr.old and an 3 yr. old ((Boys)) Just a little back ground.

I been seeing the Dr. for 8 year, Anixity/Panic ..
First I coudn't except something was wrong with me. Then I did, then I didn't want meds. Then I took them..

I "was" on many meds, but could deal with the problem, been on Xanax for 6 years, 3mg. a/day.

I go to Ruth Copper, Dr's come and go so it's hard to ope up. We are poor, and the price of meds keep me from talking also. I just asy I am doing fine, every 3 month, get get my meds...

Well,, I can't handle it, Afraid of new meds. Afraid, I could lose my kids, I been married for 14 years, (SWEETY) Arfaid of what he will think.

I been in 14 childrens homes as a child. I know how to act. Father Raped me since birh till 9yrs. old. Raped in the foster homes. Parents gave me up. Mother is crazy, she also worshipped the devil. Try to short this up..

Okay now,,,, I can't sleep 5 am, and up by 9am,, bad dreams,,, very bad.
Voices, And I am talking to myself in a battle, like fighting,I wish it would end.
My mind races sooo much. Like I am on speed..
I don't do drugs or drink. I have drank for excape but it doesn't work for me. I want to be a good mom. I can cry so easy, but I will fight and fight it,, tears will omebut I holdback alot.
I am sooo easily up set.
I am jummpy.
angry a lot
my mood changes so so smuch !!!!!
I wan to be incontrol of my Husband, and he lets me.
I can feel like no oe loves me, I know my husband does, but will he keep loveing me, if he knew (ALL) of my problems. I want to make other hapy all the time. That is a high for me. Even if I am crying inside.

I am a hipper person, The Xanax does slow down the Anixity or Panic attacks. Thats it.. It does not help me deal with oher problems.

We are so poor, I have to by extra tolet paper,, stuff we need, but I must have extra.. Husband will not let me have the money, card, check book. We would be homeless if he did.

I will clean like crazy,, things are gross, can't touch it. Can't use bathrooms in other places. Can't eat food I feel weird about..

I will get once a week or less, I will get a don't care if the house is claen, Depressed, I will then claen like It is grossssss. Chills up my back, I can throw up, andI have thrown up before.

CAN NOT drive afr at all, just a few blocks. Shopping is Helll. I will go at the time when the less people are there. If someone touches me I will die, I have left my cart, I have not been able to get out of the car.

EDGE of reality// I am freaking, like is this my hand, is this my face, I am not real, I am in a dream nigtmear. TRIPPING OUT. Everyone leave me alone (family) Talk talk talk to myself, Pretend to be what I think I should be. I am not a person, I am I at times see myself as another person, and I am helping her out.

I lie, I tell everyone I am fine. (I) Iam just what they see !!!

I can't go fast enough, my mind goes and goes, I talk so fast so I can get out what I have to say, but I never get it all out. I will crash ad lose o, Off to hide, in the bathroom.. Where is safty ????

I can be happy,I can feel good but what is that, why does it change so fast,,, I lost my mind..

People does Know I am weird,, I tell them it is a attack or Idon't feel well.

I don't work, I have 2 friends. They know very little about me.. I could never tell them, Hell I can't tell myself. I don't even know,,, I know nothing. I know everything. I am tell you cause you may know or understand. I need to tell my Dr I may copy this for him.

I tryed to kill myself twice, but not for these 8 years. I been it the hospital for a week cause I wanted to die, thats when I was just strating to find help,, but I couldn't tell them everything. Afraid they would keep me....
DRugs,, how do I lknow REALLY know what is Normal.. Afraid of drugs,,, but now I have a 3 year old I am with,, I am trying but I am not a good mom,, I am a good mom. I am so sad !!!!!!

I am so angry and mean.. I am nothing. I have done so much wrong in my life, Anfair on my husband, and I told him,, he still loved me weird, I will not do that to him again. I will ie first. So much bad in me,, yet lots of good..I am tooo much !!!

I can't remember crap,, people think I am weird cause I JUST CAN'T remember... I don't want people to think I am weird !!!!!!!!

I will hear things that others don't hear.. I have learned to watch others to see what do. I hold back,I hide alot of what is going on.. I see and feel things that re not there... This dream,, wake me up.. The things I see are blurs, shadows, so I understand it's me,, but it drives me crazy. So jumpy...

I tryed and try Chruch can't keep going cause I am to bad.. Not that way bad, just not good enough. I pray pray everynight. I believe in GOD !!! I know he loves me,,, But I am on this earth,, death is good thing to me,,,but I will live for my family as long as I can keep the shield up from them,, yet they know some,, but not much.....

People are watching me.. I think they know I am weird, can't handle people,, unless on a good day,, I can , but it's just to please them. I don't know what is real,, What about my children,, I love them,, I will give them the mom I never had... Play Play... I am good at that, but somedays I ask for help. Have to get away... I cry saying this !!!!!!!!!!!!!

One thing I have learned for the panic attack is when I have this weird tase in my month, it cming, or the smel in my nose, it is werd. My blood, or heart goes faster and faster,, I try to get busy, or it will hit my to fast and Real to not real anymore... I will come back I will, Then I do.. Bac to what I have known to be.. Still off, but not so much.

SO IRRITATED AND BOTHERED WITH EVERYTHING!!!

OHHH, I have to stop now,,, The realness of this thing called live. I am happy I have laundry and cleaning to do to day... Mind break..............

Okay,,, I said it as well as I can.. I am not rereading it. sorry about the spelling. I look at the keyboard, not the screen..

ANYONE,, Whats wrong with me ????

ANYONEONE,, Do I tell my dr this to I copy and give it to him (them)???????

Will I be locked up ???

I am going to copy and paste this around, I go to the Dr. Monday the 25th...

Thank you for anywords you may say... Easier comingfrom a computor than a face !!



[This message has been edited by minerva (edited 11-20-2002).]

__________________
Christy