First of all, thanks to all who have been reading and replying to my overly frequent posts.......just know that you have been helping me deal with this current depression more than I can say - you are truly lifesavers. I have an issue happening with my almost 20 year old son, and I would love your input. I have an older daughter who is a university graduate, and lives with her fiance - she is fiercely independent, ambitious, and a hard worker. My son, on the other hand, lives with me and is still plugging away at graduating from highschool; he is very intelligent but also very lazy, especially when doing something that he doesn't enjoy (school). He supposedly works part-time with his Dad (a contractor) after school, but only goes when he feels like it, which is maybe once per week. Here is the picture: I have been totally supporting my son for the past 2 years (since the divorce).....paying $900.00 per month for rent, in addition to cable TV, internet, long distance phone bills, groceries, as well as his monthly car insurance payment. ($350.00) He, in turn, occasionally does some dishes, and does his own laundry when he has nothing left to wear. I have been feeling extremely guilty about my plans to move 250 miles away to be with my fiance (my son will move back with his Dad, who has a 5 bedroom home on 3 acres, in the country), and feel as though I am abandoning my child. My doctor has now put me off on a medical leave (likely 1-2 months) due to this severe depression, and my insurance benefits will not cover all of the bills. I approached my son about taking over his car insurance payments....he basically said that it was up to me to do what I had to do, and that if his car wasn't insured, so be it. But he is of the mind that - he is my child and I should be looking after him. I just spoke with the insurance agent and told her that I would no longer be responsible for the payments. As much as I love my son, he has been a huge financial drain on me (I don't get child support and my ex doesn't offer) for the past 2 years. Have I done the right thing? I must also tell you that he smokes pot several times per week.....his girlfriend spends every weekend here at my apartment.....he brought a new kitten home and I have been paying all the vet bills, cleaning the litter, buying the cat food.......I know that I have enabled him to become so lazy and unmotivated, but I need to get past the guilt.
Woman..as an objective outsider: your son is getting away with murder haha.
Pleeease don't feel guilty. Those apron strings have gotta go sometime, right? Actuaally, you'll be doing him a diservice if you don't.
Sounds like he's taking advantage and/or giving you a guilt-trip, if he told you to "do what you have to do" and he will either have insurance or he won't.
How does one learn that one must have insurance? By getting into an accident and having no insurance- just like me, seven years ago.
I hope i'm not out of line, Scrappymum- i don't mean to be.
Hi Scrappy,
I agree with delphi, your son is not a child, I get where you are (at least as far as your son) my son is also 19. I had to drag him through high school, he worked for his dad also, he had a very lazy attitude, he would only work when he felt like it and of couse there were no consequences because it was his dad, (who is my husband) I kept telling my son to get another job, but why would he, this was too easy. finally, he did get a restaurant job, and the change is amazing, he has a real responsibilty and he has a pride he hasn't known before. Now he is making plans to go to college and he is more confident than ever. (he still doesn't keep his room clean, but he is better about helping around the house) While you still have the chance, help your son become a man and insist that he get a job, and help with obligations he is responsible for (the cat for starters) Don't let him get away with being a slacker, then you can get on with YOur life knowing you have done your best, I think you will both be better off,
just my opinion,
good luck
sandy
I usually always try to and take the other person’s point of view and be his advocate.
I think my experience is probably too different to say much good for the son in this case.
In my case my parents are not paying rent or a mortgage or anything so I am not really a burden there. I do not pay rent to them, but I have put over $100,000 in to my fathers business that I will never see so I do not worry about owing them rent. My room does not even have heat (except the air that comes through when the door is open). I do probably use a little more food than I provide, but not much.
I do not think he should be smoking pot and it would probably be a good idea to use that money for insurance. I would never do any thing like burden any one with a kitten and I never have anyone over to the house (no friends)
One point about the insurance, my parents paid it for a while and then stopped too. Which is ok, but they never said anything to me. So the policy lapsed and I drove with no insurance for quite some time. I even got into a fender-bender on wet roads once but the person was so nice they did not claim anything and just never fixed the bumper.
But it was not just the fact that I did not know I needed to do something, it was also the fact that I did not know what to do. Maybe you think I a stupid, but how do you learn about insurance? I bet most people learn from their parents or friends or co-workers or at least people they trust. I do not have any of that.
Anyway my point is do not forget to talk about it and give your son as much facts and information and help knowing what to do as possible. Lead the horse to water, in other words.
I do not think you should be guilty. You have made reasonable choices.
You have been a great mom...it is hard to deny your children anything at any age(that little thing called unconditional love), but you have done more than your best and more than some parents would do!!! He should understand that if you can't afford something, like his insurance, you can't. It's time for him to be an adult and be responsible for himself; this doesn't mean mom or dad can't lend helping hands when the occasion arises, but he needs to stand on his own now.
From what I understand, pot can encourage even more laziness, and the money he spends on it could go for catfood or insurance like another poster mentioned.
In our state, liability insurance is required to be able to drive a car, if caught, severe fines and possibly jail time. I don't know if that's the case where you live. As far as the cat, we have the Humane Society here and it is very low cost vaccines and care for animals; if you have something there, it may help cut costs, or simply tell your son it is outside your new budget and he must care for his new "baby" himself. But I know these things are hard to say no to...I have two dogs myself, and they are so cute.
Sounds like you have been a caring, wonderful mom but us mom's only have so much we can give, although if we could, we know we'd give the world to our children.
Advice on kids please 
haha.
Linear Mode
