Hi...I'm new here and this is my first time posting on a message board about my depression. I've been depressed for several yrs (about 8) and I can't seem to be truly happy about anything. My childhood was kind of traumatic- no physical abuse but parental drug and alcohol use for many years as a child, my mother getting beat to a pulp by abusive boyfriends- just years of chaos and unrest. She is also bipolar/manic depressive and was repeatedly raped and abused as a child in fostercare. She's now unable to provide for herself bc of her condition and is homeless.
I'm 27 now and have two younger brothers- one of whom I've had full legal custody of for the last 5yrs bc of her condition- he's now 17 and doing great. Well around Christmas my mother had to move in with me bc the place she was staying at was boarded up. Since then, I have spiraled into a depressed, crying, sad mess. I was depressed before she got here, but now I am much worse. I went to see a psychologist last week and could hardly tell him what was wrong I cried so much. I held back tears today at work contemplating never going back again.
Everyone at my job notices how withdrawn I am. I don't talk to anyone and I avoid social contact as much as possible. I've been there for only 7 months and already I feel the job is ruined by my poor relationships with people. Most people would say I'm very attractive and smart so they don't understand what my problem is. I am considering filing for short term disability w/my job to try to take some time to get myself together. My depression is ruining my career! And I'm scared to death of getting on meds.
tonia08, you have so much going on in your life right now taking care of your family is a huge undertaking. It's understandable that your depression has gotten worse and that work is difficult.
I know you are afraid of medication but honestly it might be the best thing you could do for yourself. If you read through the posts here you'll see that many of us have been helped by medication. Others have said that counseling have assisted them with their depression. Right now you have alot of emotions going on and with the right medication you could find balance again. Fear is a powerful emotion and often times once we conquer the fear we see it wasn't bad at all.
I know work is difficult now and only you can decide if you should go on the disability. I know you are worried about what your co-workers think of you. I can totally relate because I've been known to let co-workers get to my sensitive side. I went through a lot of jobs last year for various reasons. But I was fortunate to find at least one co-worker in each job that had also suffered with depression. So, I had someone to confide in that knew where I was coming from.
Thanks Nancy for your words. I am considering giving them a try. I do pray and I think I might join a gym somewhere since I know exercise helps. I'm also considering accupuncture. I told my boss this morning (I took off today) that I know my performance hasn't been the best but I am looking to get some help and she agreed that I should get some. I'm a financial analyst with alot of responsibilities so I know her sympathy will last for only so long before I have to make a decision to leave or not.
I am in a similar situation as you are. My mother is bipolar, had boyfriends that physically abused her. She is not homeless, though, she lives with her husband who probably won't stay much longer, and I live with them also. It is depressing being in this situation, but it sounds like you are doing well for yourself. I think if you hang in there, and try to manage depression the best you can it would make alot of things easier to deal with. Good luck and I hope you find a solution.
Tonie, you sure are going through a lot. It must be awful having your mother in such a state, and her having such a horrible, traumatic childhood! I can't imagine something like that happening to my mother.
I would definately keep seeing the counsellor, crying or not. I bawl through half of my sessions. The counsellors understand. If yours doesnt, find another. Xanax is a good medication if you're suffering from anxiety. I know you said you dont' want to take meds but since you said you're considering them, ask your doc about that one. It helps calm my nerves without making me feel loopy or sleepy.
Best of luck with your brother and your mom, and your job! Keep in touch with your boss. Maybe she can help you work something out. At least you were honest with her. That goes a long way!
Thanks- I appreciate the positivity and optimism. I'm trying to hang in there. It's hard dealing with so many problems at once, as I'm sure you all can relate to. I am going to call my doctor about Xanax, I keep hearing from people on this board that it works well.
I find though that I'm extremely low energy, low mood. Is there anything out there to boost your energy level/mood? I hate being so blah all the time.
chrism1367- What do you do to cope with being in the same house with your mother when she's going through her mood swings?
Well, I finally mustered the courage to visit my family doctor today and explain what I've been feeling (severely depressed). I've been wanting to go for years and I've never have been able to.
I wanted to be able to just pull myself together and work it out on my own. But it's been desperate lately, so here goes. She prescribed Zoloft 25mg for the 1st week and 50mg thereafter. Since I have a family history of bipolar/manic depression, she wants me to followup in 2wks to see how it's affecting me.
I truly didn't want to start on meds, but maybe it's what I need for now.
Thanks for everyone's input and advice. It's appreciated.