Work - Depression Message Board

ldy06 · 01-06-2003, 01:25 PM

I need to vent.

I have been on vacation since Christmas, and I don't go back to work until Wednesday. I've been pushing thoughts of work out of my head as best I can, but it's getting harder and harder the closer Wednesday gets. I think work is my biggest trigger for anxiety/depression because everything I say/do I think I'm being judged on. I'm a secretary but I also supervise 4 other clerical staff, and I absolutely hate it. I am so sick and tired of their complaining about every tiny little thing. It's like they think I should be able to solve all their problems. And I have one person who can't go to the bathroom without calling me first and she annoys me so much. She has absolutely no initiative whatsoever.

For example, say you work in a large organization with it's own IT department. If your computer doesn't work you would call them right? No, this woman calls me first and I have to tell her to call IT. She's in her 40's for goodness sakes!

Besides the supervising part I have my own job to do, but I find it extremely difficult doing both of them. I feel like I'm being pulled in 100 different directions. Sometimes I think I want to change jobs, but I've hated every job I've ever had, so it's probably my personality that's making me feel like this. So even if I did, I'd probably end up hating it anyway. I'm always so stressed out. Just when I think I'm starting to feel better with my depression/anxiety something will happen at work to make me feel worse again. I must be doing a good acting job because no one has ever said anything to me about having a bad attitude and my last evaluation was very good. But the last six months have been extremely stressful with a very heavy additional workload because of some extra projects, and I feel my work has really suffered, but has it really? I always feel that my work suffers, but no one ever comes to me to say what is going on with you so I can't be sure. But still every minute of every day I'm there I'm waiting for the bomb to drop. I'm so sure that someone is going to come to me and say I did something wrong or I haven't been performing up to their expectations.

I'm so tired of trying to please people all of the time. When I'm at work there's always somebody who wants something from me. I wish they would just leave me alone. I wish I could just tell them all to go to **** and walk out of there.

I'm crying as I write this. I really don't want to go back there. I am dreading it so much. Sometimes I wish I never had to leave this apartment unless I really wanted to.

I know I'm being a crybaby. I shouldn't complain because I can work right? Because I function right?

lilmissme · 01-06-2003, 03:00 PM

Canuck Lady,

{*{*{*{HUG}*}*}*}

You're not complaining at all. You're venting and we sooo need to do that sometimes. Why keep it all inside? That just makes things even more difficult.

I'm sorry that you're dreading work and having to go back there. By the sounds of it, it does sound like some of these other employees are being quite annoying and you're almost ready to smack them, eh?! Have you talked to your boss about this?? Perhaps he/she could have a little meeting with everyone and get things straight.

In the meantime, keep your chin up girl. You'll get through this. And you are far from being a crybaby! No such thing! Crying is good for you... it's healthy.. it let's out the built up emotions that are inside. So it's totally okay to cry. Hang in there hun. Take care.

Lilmissme

(*(*(*(*(another big hug)*)*)*)*)

01-06-2003, 04:06 PM

I am in the same boat as you so I know exactly how you feel. I also hate my job and to be honest have never really found one that I enjoyed. I think maybe that because life itself is a burden and the fact that we are not happy within ourselves makes it even harder to enjoy working somewhere. Nobody at work knows what some of us are going through and how the littlest things can can trigger something in us where we just want to cry or like you said walk out the door (been there many times). Maybe you should start thinking about what type of environment you would be happier in and start writing down all the things you like and dislike in a job. I'm trying to do that now because I can't go through this anymore. At least it will make you feel better once you start to notice what really makes you feel good about a job; maybe this will help in finding something better (once you know what different field you'd be interested in). I know it's hard and people can drive you mad but hang in there and whatever you do, keep smiling, bite your tongue when you have to, and never let them get to you no matter how bad it gets. Go for a walk to blow off steam. Easier said then done I know but remember you can control how these people make you feel so don't let them get to you. Hope things get better.

Toronto girl

ldy06 · 01-06-2003, 08:49 PM

Thanks for your support.

Lilmissme, the person at work I'm talking about is not a bad person. She's good at her job but she has no initiative. There are a couple of people like that. I've recently tried to steer them toward things instead of trying to solve all their problems, but old habits die hard. It's difficult too because I work in a large hospital where we are unionized, and some people see their job description and follow it by the letter. Sometimes if something needs to be done you can't just tell them it needs to be done. You have to explain to them step by step and it's frustrating.

Sweet & sour, I've been to a career counsellor twice over the past five years, and everything points to me being in some sort of administrative function, but I don't recall supervising every coming up. I was pressured into applying for this job about a year and a half ago by the person who used to be in the position (and who was my supervisor) when she decided to leave and decided I was the right person to take her place. I didn't want it because I knew that it would be a very stressful position, but I did because it was the next logical step for someone in my line of work and the money was a bit better. I hate it. I don't want to be a supervisor. I don't want to be the person everyone comes to for answers. There's too much pressure.

I am so sick and tired of trying to please everyone. I feel like such a hypocrite because I alway tell everyone else that you shouldn't worry about what other people think of you, yet I can't take my own advice. I'm just tired of it all.

This vacation was supposed to be a break for me, a chance to clear my head and go back and make a new beginning. I was feeling pretty positive about things until recently, but now I feel sure that I'll go back to work and nothing will change.

------------------
Canuck_Lady

melody · 01-06-2003, 09:54 PM

Hi there. It's late, so this will be short, but I wanted to reply. Since you were pressured into the supervision position, and don't want to stay in supervision - can you ask to return to a non-supervisory position? I've known several people in my organization who moved into supervision, later decided it wasn't for them, and they requested a demotion back into a non-supervisory job. It's not worth being miserable. I'm in supervision too and I hate it at times also - though I'm coping ok for the moment. If you're not in counseling, I would strongly suggest that you get in regular counseling FIRST before making any job change - just in case you can work through some of the things that make you dislike your job. I can relate to alot of what you said and I know that part of my problem has been ME - and being too hard on myself, expecting way too much from myself, etc. I expect perfection... No one else does. Counseling has really helped me work through some of that - and it does make it easier to deal with my job. Good luck. When you go back, just remember to take one thing at a time, do what you can, and then go home and let yourself relax and forget it until the next day. You'll probably have a lot of catch up to deal with: don't try to get it all caught up in one day. Don't hesitate to ask your staff to continue to function as if you're not there while you read email, etc. to see what are your most urgent priorities.

Good luck. Melody.