Things just seem to keep spiraling downward emotionally for me and I need to talk to someone but I have nobody I can really talk to about this. I'm sorry if this winds up being long. Please please take the time to read this.
I am a 45 year old mother of two kids ages 10 and 12. I have been married almost 20 years to a very nice but somewhat controlling man (although he doesn't see himself as this way). I suppose you could say we have a happy marriage but lately it feels empty to me. I used to feel that we were soulmates but lately I don't feel that way anymore.
About 5 years ago I started an internet business. I just had an idea for a product and went with it. I also sell about 50 products related to my product. The business is entirely run from my house. Now it has grown to the point where it is taking over my life and I can't handle it anymore. I want to pull the plug and forget it. But my husband does not want me to. The revenue in this business has just reached about $100,000 per year. He works in the sofware industry and doesn't like it anymore. He sees this business as a way to make money in the future -- to quit his job eventually and for us to work in it together as a family business. He sees it as something that could grow out of our house with employees and the whole thing. But I don't really want that. When I started this business, it was just a way to make a little extra money -- it was a lark. I figured I'd do it for a few years and then stop it. I never intended it to become what it has become and take up so much of my time and energy, and to be such a responsibility.
But in the mean time it is destroying my life. Day after day orders come in from around the world and it is up to me to fill them and ship them. I have hardly any time for myself anymore. It is a struggle to find time to exercise regularly, or play guitar like I used to, or even be with the kids. I find myself always in a terrible angry mood. I curse the day I had the idea for this stupid business. I want to do something else! I have told this to my husband many times and he always says that it's "depression talking" and that I would regret it if I closed it down.
When we first had kids we agreed that I would stop working, and I did -- but that when the kids were "old enough" I would probably resume working. Well, I did work part-time from home when the kids were small (I was a writer). And then when that work dried up, I started this business. My husband curtly told me that if I stopped the business I would "have to find a way to bring in some income." I resent this. Taking care of a house and kids is enough work, IMO. He asks how I got the idea that I could take a "free ride." I don't understand him. A lot of my mother friends don't work, or only work a little bit. Why is he so hard-assed about this with me? He doesn't understand how stressful life can be for me. Or maybe he just doesn't care. It definitely makes me love him less, that's for sure. I feel like he cares more about money than about my sanity.
My moods are getting worse and worse. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face as I write this because all I did today was ***** at the kids and try to get these stupid orders out. My husband travels a lot, either for work or (this time of year) to go skiing, which is his major way to de-stress. This weekend he is skiing. I have no interest in skiing. I tried it and don't like it. Sometimes he takes one of the kids with him (only one of them skis). He tries to give me a break by letting me go out all weekend shopping or to the spa or whatever, and sometimes he does fill and ship the businesses' orders. But it is never enough. This business is like a hungry monster that is always in my house waiting for me.
Lately I am always feeling extremely overwhelmed, stressed out to the point of nausea, and very very sad. Everywhere I look in my house there are things to do and if I don't yell at my kids or nag my husband they don't get done. I can't keep up with my regular domestic responsibilities (laundry, cooking, shopping) and I have no "fun" time to spend with my kids or by myself. I swear, I don't even remember how to have fun anymore. Even if I DO have some time, I am usually in a bad mood and unable to do anything fun.
I feel like my life is passing me by. In addition, my relationship with my husband is less than it used to be. He would disagree, but I know for a fact that he touches me less, we hardly ever have sex, and he spends all his free time at home with the kids or working on his laptop computer. He'll say nice things to me and give me compliments, but I need more than that. I've tried to tell him this, but I don't know -- he doesn't seem to get it. He says that he doesn't like to come near me when I'm in a bad mood, which nowadays is all the time.
We have nobody to leave the kids with (no relatives nearby) so we can't go away together.
I feel like I want to run away -- just get in my car and drive and never come back. Or fly to Hawaii and get a little job working in a juice shack and just live out my life simply and alone. I just keep feeling like there's a better happier life that I should be living. I don't like this life anymore. I don't like the person I have become. Even a contractor I had in my house recently yelled at me saying that he doesn't understand how I offended him because apparently I was always in a bad mood when he was around.
By now you may think that maybe I should try some anti-depressants. Well I have tried some in the past. Several different types. They all do the same thing to me: make me feel more wound up and eventually just make me fat because they screw up my metabolism. I do NOT want to take any more of those drugs.
I just need to know how to get my life back. I feel so trapped by everything. And the worst part of it is, the main thing that is trapping me -- my business -- is something that I created myself.
I feel like my life is a runaway train and I can't get off. What should I do? I just want to feel happy again.
Last edited by carlmontace; 02-11-2006 at 06:12 PM.
OMG! I honestly could not read everything in your post because I feel the same way and cannot relive my own situation. Please email me.... REMOVED.
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Last edited by moderator2; 02-12-2006 at 02:44 PM.
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You are me!!! Oh my gosh, reading your story is like reading mine! I am 42 (soon to be 43) years old with 3 sons (ages 11, 10 & 8). I am on a rollercoaster right now and I just want to get off. I am in my 20th year of teaching and wake up every morning wishing that I would've followed my real dream to become a nurse. I'm not happy in my job anymore and it gets exhausting trying to put on that "game face" every day for my students.
I had a hysterectomy in June and attribute much of my depression to the hormonal imbalance (sounds good, doesn't it?!). I was simply getting desperate and then my gynecologist recommended that I go talk with a therapist. I am a very private person and this was a huge step for me.
My therapist asked me during one session what I do for fun. I could not think of an answer!! I have a wonderful husband and we try try to spend time together, but we're so busy with our sons that we just never manage. I can't remember the last time we went to a movie! And when we do have a chance to go someplace, I always feel guilty leaving my sons home.
I don't have many friends (except for those I work with)......so going out for "me time" is not really an option.
I, too, wanted to get in my vehicle and just drive. I feel like I'm falling off of a cliff and I can't find anything to grab in order to pull me back up. I just want to be happy again......
And so.....I feel your pain.
The business was your idea in the first place, I think it's your place to say whether or not it gets shut down, not your husband. I also think you should sit him down and have a serious talk with him about how you feel. He doesn't seem to understand that this is tearing you apart, it isn't just "the depression talking". I hate when people say that, it's so condescending!
You may end up having to just put your foot down and shut the business down whether he likes it or not. If it's gotten to the point where it isn't pleasurable, it's only misery and you can't keep up, it's tiime to stop. Don't let your husband bully you into keeping it up and running if it's going to drive you insane. You can't keep it running if you're in the hospital, tell him that and see what he thinks.
I wish you the best of luck! Let us know what happens.
This is not going to be a pat on the back kind of post. But I will offer some suggestions which you may or may not like.
I know, things always look different from the inside vs. outside but I think you should be grateful that your business has been so successful. Try to work on hiring outside help, as the previous poster suggested, or charge a little more for your product so the demand goes down a little and you can come up for air. Or do just one small thing each day that will improve your business situation. In any case, you should be congratulated. Do you have any idea of how many home-based businesses or small startups fail???
I would suggest counseling and trying meds again. There are new ones out there that do not seem to screw you up as much. Wellbutrin for example has been successful in many cases giving people motivation to make changes in their lives and go forward. You are still stuck, so what do you have to lose by trying?
Regarding your husband & relationship, if you don't like skiing, just go along for the ride, try cross-country skiing or go someplace where there are other activities, like a spa, or a nearby town with galleries, shopping, etc.
Whatever, nothing is going to change unless you DO something different. Get help with your biz, retry meds, work on spending more time with your family, etc. It's up to you.
I am sorry you find yourself so stuck. I know how that feels, as I am going through something similar myself. Not because of "success" in the conventional sense, but because of other work-related issues. One thing I do know from experience though - the only way to change anything is to make that decision to do things differently.
- Asking the kids to help you with the business a few days each week (evenings or weekends) and in return, they earn money.
- Asking your husband to take over the business, because you are finished, and then go get a job at a flower-shop or something, and if he doesn't like it, at least you're happy!!! HAHA!
No really, do what you have to do for your sanity, without throwing away such a lucrative business completely. Sit down with your husband and come up with a plan together, and don't budge on your needs.