A Request for some help... - Depression Message Board

lizzers072383 · 03-24-2003, 10:05 PM

Floating on could nine, an emotional high, on top of the world, untouchable, immortal…all these words would never begin to describe how good it felt to feel all most perfect. It was so close. I could taste it. No more of the bitter sour taste that had been filling everything for the last year or so. Nope. It was gone. A weight had been lifted. I wanted to bottle it up, hold on to it. I’ve been terrified that it will suddenly disappear, but…I WAS BETTER. But my immortality caught up with me. It only took a brief moment. Reality sets back in. I still am sick.

It’s amazing how fast the feelings I thought were gone from my soul can crawl back in. I guess that’s how it’s always been. They never really go away once you’ve acknowledge their presence, they just hide for a while…quietly waiting until they have the opportunity to sneak back in. I wonder if it’s my fault? Do I let things get to me that easily? Maybe…

Even if I do, it’s not like people can’t be completely rude and insensitive some times. Unfortunately, College has taught me that not everyone has a concept of morals or even how to treat people with a little bit of respect. That’s one of those pills that’s been hard to swallow. I feel like some little dream world I lived in was shattered. There still are people that exist there, people I have the utter most respect and admiration for. My family, Joan, Joe just to name a few. They are an incredible part of my life.

I think it would really hurt them to know that maybe I’m not better. It really is just this place. Pullman just isn’t a good place for me right now. I want to run away like I’m five again. Growing up means you have responsibility. I owe my parents and others to finish this year strong. Then I can go home. For some reason I think my depression might just disappear once I’m there again. Wishful thinking? Possibly not, at least it’s a thought that will help me make it through. It’s going to take everything in me to make it through these last few weeks of school. Any encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I need all the help I can get.

[This message has been edited by lizzers072383 (edited 03-26-2003).]

Bubbly20 · 03-25-2003, 08:56 AM

Hey Lizzers, i dont know why no-one has replied, maybe they cant find any words of encouragement at the moment.
I know how you feel tho, i have such bad times and then when im having a good patch, i think maybe this is it, maybe im better...sadly, it often returns, but when it does, u have to be strong and know you can get through it again.

I think you're stronger than you think..well done for saying you'll stick school out..if youve gone this far another few weeks wont hurt hey!

With you all the way
Take care
Bubs x

ffsmith · 03-25-2003, 09:35 PM

I am trying to be encouraging, so I will not tell you the sad story of how leaving a school devastated me.

Do your best! That is good enough for me.

I understand the ups and down…and the struggle.
I love your effort it is admirable and proves to me you are a great person.
You many not be “better” but is sounds like you are learning some great things
And becoming a better and better “well-rounded” wiser person
That sounds like successes at college too me

You can do it. And what you do is good

lizzers072383 · 03-26-2003, 01:21 AM

Bubbley-
The returning part is the worst thing ever. I think it's just so frustratin that I have no idea what makes me feel better. So there's no way to hold on to it. I want to fit this! I want to be able to say I've lived with depression at 19 and it makes me a better person. Thanks so much for the reply. I love that you understand.

lizzers072383 · 03-26-2003, 01:30 AM

ffsmith-
Honestly that little tibit always makes me think harder about the things I'm proposing to myself. I don't want to leave school. To me that's like depression won. Thank you so much for the compliments. I am learning a ton and right now im better enough to see that as the bright side. Thanks agian. I really enjoyed reading your post.