is it time for me to move on - Depression Message Board

villagegal68455 · 07-06-2003, 06:24 AM

i just read soccermom's post and it prompted me to ask a question of my own...

in April of 2000, my daughter April died (ironically April was conceived in april and died in april)...i sunk into a deep depression...she was my first and only child and i have such low chances of getting pregnant cause of my complex chromosome rearrangment...

i sunk into a real deep depression and wasn't sure if i ever wanted any more children...in november of last year, i married a wonderful man...he is very supportive of me and told me we wouldn't try for any children until i thought i was ready...for a long time every time i couldn't hear my husband or my dog breathing while sleeping, i would poke and prod them until they moved...i was afraid they would die in their sleep too...

then, earlier this year, i thought all of that passed...in may, my husband asked if i thought i was ready to start having children yet...i told him i thought i was....my husband is gone until christmas now and we had decided we would start trying for a baby in late december, early january......my husband has also said that he is going to work extra hard, so i can be a stay at home mommy...he thinks that will calm my fears a bit, and i happily agreed with that...

then, in june, i got to hold my new nephew for the first time and my problem started again...i gently nudged him until i could hear him breathing...

here's my question...do you guys think this is a fear that i will always have and i just need to get used to it...or do you think i need to have another baby in order to conquer this fear...or lastly do you think my hubby and i need to wait even longer to have a baby...i was so looking forward to trying for a baby in december and this whole thing is bringing me down again....

------------------
Rachel Leigh
Proud Wife of Trainee Wentler
"To really live, you must nearly die"-author unknown
April-may you always dance with the angels above

hangtenvetter · 07-06-2003, 08:02 AM

I hope that you try for another baby. You can't let your life be ruled by fear even though you have good reason to feel that way. Having a baby may be a step to conquering your fears. Having a baby and watching him/her grow will bring joy into you and your husband's lives.

My wife and I have been trying to have a baby for 3 1/2 years now. And no luck. We already have one, but had hoped for another. My wife has had an operation and has been on fertility treatments. I am at the point of almost giving up.

Then I read my advice to you. It was advice to me as well. I fear that the second will be a terror since our first is so good. I fear that my wife will not be able to handle two at once. I fear the financial burden. I fear that my wife could have a miscarriage and be totally devistated.

Maybe I should practice my own advice and keep trying.

I wish you the best conquering your fears and making the all important decision of having or not having a child.

normorcrazy · 07-06-2003, 09:11 AM

I'm sorry for your loss. I've lost 4 while being pregnant, but that is different than your loss so I have no idea how you feel. I really just want to say when you feel the time is right go for it. The fear is always gonna be there and I don't think it's something you should get use to or get over. None of us know what our plan is or why for that matter. Therefore, we can't let bad things take over our lives. That doesn't mean forget what happened. That baby was a huge part of you and keep her in your heart forever!!

My son was born with sleep apnea. Before he was on a breathing monitor he kept having episodes where he would stop breathing. I remember waking up and he was blue. I would stay up all hours of the night checking on him even after he was put on the monitor. Don't think you need to have another baby to mask your feelings. It will not work. Have another baby to share with him/her what you were unable to share with your Angel April. I'm sure she is the Guardian Angel to what comes in your future. Take care!!

ffsmith · 07-06-2003, 10:38 AM

I am sorry too.
That is tough.
I also am not sure that you can ever get totally over that fear, but you probably should face it and try to live with it.

Waiting a lot of times only makes the fear worse. Do not assume that waiting will make things better.
Sometimes doing, and living through the tears and the fear is what makes things better.

Talking to others and seeing a mental health professional can help too.

The only other thing I can think of to say is to try and use logic against the fear.
Things are not destine to repeat. You husband and dog and future child are not destine to die in their sleep.
I know that you know this, but it might help to say it to yourself

wannabehotguy · 07-06-2003, 03:03 PM

I wish you the best. I think grievance counceling will help, cognitive therapy, and going to church and actually believing in God and Christ.