Is my decision wrong? - Depression Message Board

cherrypie · 08-11-2003, 05:23 PM

I recently started reading a book by Lucinda Bassett, From Panic to Power. It’s been helpful in realizing my avoidance and anxiety. I'm thinking about getting the cd set from The StressCenter.com. It looks great. But this is totally NOT what I want advice on. I just want to state that I'm working on my insanity. I also want to go to counseling but I've been VERY apprehensive...with that said....

I just started my job about two months ago. Its an okay job, it pays the bills but its not something I have a genuine interest in. Since, I've been working their I've been trying to find another job but it's been tough with the hours I work.

All and all I'm very proud of myself working this job. I'm taking care of me for the first time since 1999 (and working for the first time since then!). I've posted bits and pieces of my story, but the gist is that I've gotten out of this horrible abusive situation as of April of this year. I was a prisoner, and abused in everyway for about 8 years, it was pathetic. BUT I feel like no matter what I go back to this using it for an excuse, this poor me the victim thing. It’s not so much of an excuse but maybe just to tell you where I stand? Maybe not? I don't know.

So I don't like this job I'm working. It’s in a very stressful environment, with a lot of belittling; name calling, swearing, finger pointing (you get the picture). Anyway, I know that this career (with or without the belittling) is not for me... But here is the thing the company is constantly in upheaval. Before I started they fired an entire department, since I’ve been their 3 people quit, temps are in and out, they move people constantly (weekly). The environment is getting to me, I feel very stressed out there, its just so unsettling. I’ve never worked at company this bad before. I feel like at this point in my life it’s the last thing I need! I realize no job is stable but my goodness I feel so much anxiety on this job.

I just found out that they want me to take over more responsibilities because they are going to let another person go to save money. That means more contact with the high stress situations. I have no interest in it and I'm considering walking away from the job. But that makes me feel like a failure and a quitter. I hate that, and it’s probably worse than being stressed out. I know I can be unreasonable at times and I know my judgment is sometimes WARPED so that is why I'm here.

I've been known to bounce from jobs (years ago) and I'm worried that I'm just making an excuse for my incompetence. Goodness can you believe I say this stuff about myself? My co-worker was stunned when I said I didn't want the responsibility. They were like, but its more money, and I said I didn't care. I already feel overwhelmed and I know I don't like it there so why take the position? I've been interviewing for work and I think I might just leave the job and try for a temp off shift job so I can look for something is less horrible.

AM I CRAZY? AM I SHIRKING RESPONSIBILITIES? I don't know how I will pay my bills but I know I will figure something out? I know the only person I have to answer to is myself. I wonder how gentle I can be with me if I quit a job without having another? Maybe I will just dissolve into ignorant poop. I had a great interview today but that means nothing.

I hate me.

Janik · 08-11-2003, 05:37 PM

Don't feel guilty for being sincere. If you had taken the extra responsiblilities and then failed make the deadlines or if your performance lost its quality, you could then feel guilty. But that is not the case. You did the right thing. You only have to change your attitude about this. You did not accept the extra money because you know quality is more important than quantity.

And don't quit your job just yet. The situation is pretty bad out there and if you end up jobless for a long while you would regret it.

Mission_Void · 08-11-2003, 06:12 PM

cherrypie,
That's great that you're trying to help yourself with self-help books. Reading has never been very enjoyable to me, but hope you get good things from the book. You might be surprised.

I understand about not liking a job. I had burnout big time at my past few jobs after several years at each.(don't work now) I agree with Janik that you should at least continue working until you land another job.

To me it's not worth the mental stress and anxiety to take on a big responsibility. You sound miserable about things now. Hope you are lucky and find another job soon. MV

cherrypie · 08-11-2003, 06:36 PM

I agree about finding another job first and I've been trying but with the hours it make interviewing impossible (well rather difficult). I hate how stressed out I am right now and I'm seriously contemplating not returning. That ticks me off though...I know it will be a big mistake but they are putting me in this position whereby even if I don't "take" on the extra responsibility it will still be mine as they are getting rid of the other person no matter what -

I don't feel comfortable...I know life is not comfortable. Grin and bear it...grow up and all that stuff.

Ugh, I feel badly for feeling this way. But I guess its a waste of time since if I decide to not return then feeling guilt will be for no one's benefit but my own ???? It's my tail I need to take care of...

oiy vey i hate this job and i suck crap

thank you for the advice its always appreciated ..

ffsmith · 08-11-2003, 07:37 PM

The thing is that you need to be doing what is best for you.
You have said that this job is not for you.
And that you are looking for another job.

That is GREAT

You are staying at a job that is not for you because you are being responsible and paying your bills and taking care of yourself.

That is GREAT. It is a bummer you do not like your job but to sacrifice this is OK for a while.

You have just got out of that relationship. I remember when you posed about that.
That was very recently. It obviously has effected you deeply. I do not think you are using it. You just need more time and maybe some help or emotional support to get over it.

As far as the responsibility. If they are going to give it to you anyway you should at least take the money. If there is a way that you can keep your job but not take the extra responsibility that sounds like the best choice for you.
Could you take part of the responsibility and share some with others?
It sounds like a very impersonal work environment.
That is tough.

Do not be so hard on your self.
You are doing great
Even if you decide to leave this job you have done it for you. And that is the RIGHT reason.

No matter what they heap on you, do not take on more that you can handle.
If this is not acceptable to them then that is their problem.
I suppose it might mean that you are no longer a fit for what they thing there needs are.
But it seems like you are already thinking that.
And if that is the case it dose not have much to do with you.
But more to do with that crazy workplace.