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Old 04-15-2006, 10:12 AM   #1
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Melbourne Florids
Posts: 77
beachlady HB User
Help, I Am Totally Alone!

I Feel So Totally Alone, And I Really Am. I Do Have A Wonderful Husband, But I Think He Has Given Up On Me, Because I Have Such Depression And Anxiety That He Has Just Given Up. My Son, Who Is 18, And Is An Adhd Child, Does Not Really Understand What Is Wrong With Mom, And I Know He Is Scared, But He Stayes Upstirs And Is On His Computer 247! My Family Is Totally Disfunctional. If You All Were To Look At Me You Would Think I Had The Perfect Life, I Don't Look Sick And When I Have To I Can Seem Perfectly Ok. How Is It That I Can Feel So Awful And Depressed And Anxious But Nobody Would Know If I Did Not Tell Them?

I Am Totally Out Of Place Right Now, Because It Is Saturday And Until I Quit My Job 5 Weeks Ago, I Would Have Been Working On Saturday And Sunday. You See, I Had A Wonderful Job With Disney Cruise Line, Yes, You Heard Me Right, Disney Cruise Line!! I Worked For The Company At Their Terminal In Port Canveral Florida. Working For Disney Was A Dream I Had When I Moved From Oregon To Florida 3 Years Ago. I Worked For Dcl For 2 Years, And It Was A Magical Job, And I Learned So Much, But When My Depression And Anxiety Hit Me So Hard, I Just Felt I Could Not Function And Do The Job That Was Required Of Me. So I Resigned For Medical Reasons. I Sit Here Now, Totally Lost And Dont Know What To Do With Myself.

I Have No Friends, No Family Except My Husband And Son. My Parents Are Both Dead, And I Have No Recolection Of My Childhood Anyway. All I Feel Toward My Parents Is Hatred.

We Moved To Florida To Be Close To My Husbands Mother, As She Is Elderly (91) And By Herself And Needed Family To Be Close By. But I Dont Even Talk To Her. She Lives About Two Hours South Of Us And My Husband Goes Down And Takes Care Of Her Every Weekend Or Whenever She Needs Something.

I Am Sorry, I Am Just Rambling, Because I Am So Scared, Because I Really Dont Know What Exactly Is Wrong With Me Or Why And I Have Not Been To See The Pys Yet. Have An Appointment In Two Weeks. I Dont Have Any Hope However, Because I Have Been Depressed Most Of My Life, And Have Been To Counselingand At One Point Went Into The Phy Ward At The Hospital. The Only Good Thing About That Time In My Life Was, I Realized That I Really Was Not In Nearly As Bad Of Shape As Most Of The People I Saw, And I Learned Alot From Being There. That Was Years Ago, And I Have Suffered With Depression On And Off Most Of My Life, But Now It Is Worse Than It Has Ever Been And I Am Totally Lost And Dont Think My Life Will Ever Be Good Again.

Sorry To Write So Much, And I Dont Expect Anyone To Read And Or Answer, But Typing My Thoughts Helps Somehow.
Any Of You That Do Read This, I Wish You A Happy Easter Or Passover And Hope That You All Find The Help And Peace In Your Hearts That You Are Looking For.

A Very Lost Soul In Florida!

Judi

(as I Use To Say To Everyone When Working For Disney) "have A Magial Day" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
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Old 04-15-2006, 11:31 AM   #2
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Elkhart, IN, USA
Posts: 484
MagicSunshine HB User
Re: Help, I Am Totally Alone!

Hi Judi,

I'm sorry you're having such a bad day, but I understand how you feel. I'm going through a rough time myself and it's no party.

Posting was the right thing to do. That's why we come to the boad. It really helps to vent and put your thoughts down. It doesn't matter how much you write, we would read it anyway.

Maybe your husband isn't giving up on you at all. You might think that because you feel guilty. That goes with low self-esteem. When the depression lifts, you will see what a wonderful person you really are. As for your son, I'm not sure this is bothering him that much. He has Mom home with him and he's content.

There is one thing you said that has always been a problem with me, and probably others, too. You're right...when people look at us they see a person no different from themselves. We don't have a broken leg, not bandaged up or in a cast, no cuts or bruises. Our pain is on the inside. It's my opinion that depressed people become masters of deception. When we are around people, we know when to laugh, when to smile, when it's time to throw in a joke, and everyone thinks we're fine. It's the only way we can get through life.

The hatred you feel towards your parents, even though they have passed away might be something you haven't dealt with yet. Something terrible must have happened. It would help if you could talk about that to a therapist or here where it can go no further.

Sometimes when too many things are going on, we get overwhelmed and everything just snow balls, which makes us even more overwhelmed. It's a vicious cycle.

Are you on any meds now?? If you feel yourself getting worse before your appt. please call them and see if they will get you in sooner on an emergency basis.

I think a large part has to do with you quitting your job. I know you were depressed and that's why you had to quit. Still, it came through in your post how much you loved your work. I think that's normal. It was a wonderful job.

I hope I've helped some. Please keep posting so we know how you're doing. Take care my friend..........Connie

 
Old 04-15-2006, 11:38 AM   #3
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 216
MarciaD HB User
Re: Help, I Am Totally Alone!

Hi Judi

I can relate to so much of what you wrote. Don't feel bad about rambling either. When I started reading your post I had no idea it was going to be a long one, but as I kept reading, I kept thinking I know exactly how you feel. Trouble is, I don't have any answers. I wish I did because I aften feel like a lost soul too.

Keep writing. I usually check out the board a couple of times a day. I guess I keep looking for answers too.

Marcia

 
Old 04-15-2006, 04:06 PM   #4
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 86
harlequin HB User
Re: Help, I Am Totally Alone!

Judi-

I just got in and saw this. Please do hang in there. Are you on any meds? Believe me, people here know how you feel.

I'll try to have more to say later as I just got in, but again, please do hang in there. I've only been on this bulletin board three days and I can already see what a supportive group it is.

h

 
Old 04-15-2006, 04:33 PM   #5
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Edmond, OK US
Posts: 9
personaltrazide HB User
Re: Help, I Am Totally Alone!

I agree with the previous posters. It just helps to have a place to say things. I've been alone with my depression and with all of the issues with my daughter. Just knowing I can post her makes it more better--I need to talk to people who do understand. My parents wouldn't--and my brother is deathly ill so I would never talk to him about it.

I hope things get better for you.

 
Old 04-15-2006, 07:53 PM   #6
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Oahu
Posts: 641
macadamiaNUT HB User
Re: Help, I Am Totally Alone!

BEachlady,

It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed with all the time you have on your hands now...now that your dream job is interrupted by your anxiety and depression. No one ever imagines this can happen with a dream job. Once you get the dream job, everything is, well, magical, isn't it? Isn't it supposed to be? When it isn't though there is so much turmoil.

With your dh running up and down to his mother each weekend, he's doing the "sandwhich generation" thing with caring for his own family as well as his mother.

Being on the dock when the cruises come in and out seems like it would be busy, bustling, noisy, exciting, pressured, fun, stressful and more. But now you're at home where it is quiet, quiet, quiet. And maybe you're grieving the loss of your dream job? Anyway, it sounds like a big/drastic change. I think feeling as you do is normal for anyone going through what you are right now. It does seem you're more anxious about it than Joe Blow perhaps, but it's just degrees, tiny increments.

Being that you just moved there 3 years ago and have worked at your job for 2 years, when would you have time to have made friends? It's harder and harder (at least it seems like it) to move and make friends quickly, especially in transient locations. People want to know right off the bat, how long have you been here, and if it's not say, 5 years, they don't know if they want to invest in a friendship that may fly off after they get close. At least with cyberspace, people can move and still be at the same cyber locale.

Did you say if you're taking meds? I know a few people asked. Is dh gone until Sunday sometime? It's probably bedtime there now. How about Easter church service as somewhere to meet people--they'll be out in droves Sunday.

 
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