Still a virgin - Depression Message Board

Jimi Thing · 10-16-2003, 06:22 PM

Well the topic sums up my frustration. I posted this in this forum because whouldn't you be depressed if you were 20 yrs old and never had sexual intercourse before?.
The really rough part of it is that iv'e had 3 good chances in the past.

1- Was Laura we were kinda cuddling,touching and kissing on my living room couch, she said lets go dowstairs and I said no because my parents were home but the reason was I was just too nervous about pleasing her I guess.

2. Jackie we hung out for about six months she was a virgin to and she really liked me and I her well one time on the phone she said she wanted to have sex with me and I just pretended I didn't hear her and changed the subject.

3. My last good chance was Samantha she was sweetheart from middle school we dated on and off from the beginning of middle school to the end of highschool. Well around the end of highschool we went to Six Flags amusement park for the day when we went back to her house that night. upstairs I could hear her sister and her boyfriend getting busy and me and her were laying in her bed and I knew she wanted to have sex but all I did was lay there like a bag of hammers.

To any that take the time to read this and are wondering yes I am very secure with my sexuality (heterosexual)
I guess i'm just so self concious about wanting to please the girls iv'e been with or what they might think about my performance/penis size and I was not blessed in that department (5 1/2 erection )
I guess I just want to know how many other ppl my age are Virgins and how you feel about it.

Thx for listening to my Blathering

Cheers

TwinkleToes81 · 10-16-2003, 08:50 PM

Hey Jimi Thing
While it may bother you that you are 20 and still a virgin it's really not a big deal. I decided to wait until I found the right guy and was 21 before I lost mine (as a matter of fact he, also 21, was a virgin too! Losing one's virginity is a really big deal,, and so it maintainting a healthy sexual relationsip afterwards. It could be that you are just waiting for the right girl. The things that cause your insecurities won't matter to her bc she'll love you for you. The bottom line is when you meet the right person it wont be as scary. And dont feel bad that you haven't taken the plunge yet! Don't want to have sex just because you think everyone your age already has..it's not true! I hope this helps you!!

[This message has been edited by TwinkleToes81 (edited 10-16-2003).]

ffsmith · 10-16-2003, 10:47 PM

It did not bother too much in my 20’s but it is bothering me more and more now that I am in my 30’s

There is no question that unwanted abstinence can cause depression and other confidence and interaction problems.

But I would agree with twinkletoes81 and question if your abstinence is really unwanted or if you were just not ready at the time or have not found a girl that you feel totally safe and comfortable with?
In any case, from my point of view 20 is not too old to be a virgin by a long shot especially given the success that you have had in relationships so far. You obviously are social and a very lovable person to have had the experiences that you have had. You seem to be on the right track and a very normal person.

For myself I have given up that I will ever experience sex in my life . . . and it really is depressing and hurtful to not have that hope. I tear up and feel bad just writing this.

At this point in my life I would give anything just to be able
to lay with a girl like a shack of hammers
or to have a girl say that she wanted to have sex with me … what a compliment.
Or to be able to cuddle, kiss and touch a girl on a couch.

I do not think that you can have sex with a person without first taking steps like those.
They are necessary, so I would urge you not to look at them as failures to have sex
But valuable growing experiences in your development toward that point.

I envy you sooo much.

I would give anything just to be able to feel like I was going in the right direction
That I was taking steps towards so kind of relationship or interaction.

I just finished an out patient program today for my depression and social anxiety.
The three girls in the class all gave me a hug.
One gave me a rose as a good bye and good luck gift.
I have never hugged a girl, I was stiff and uncomfortable VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
And I have no experience in accepting gifts . . . did I screw it up??

I could look at my reaction as proof that I am a failure and that I will never have a relationship EVER.
And part of me does see it that way…
But part of me wants to see it as good too… as progress and step in the right direction….

Look, if you think that you have some unreasonable fear of intimacy or are truly terrified that a girl, that you know is nice and likes you, is going to make fun of your penis size, then maybe you want to get help and see if there are other issues that might be causing these unreasonable fears for you?

But from my point of view you sound like that is probably not necessary.

I know nothing about being with a real girl, but I have heard that there are milestones referred to as bases?
First base, second base, third base and home run?
I have even heard of sloppy second base and sloppy third base?
I assume that these came about because there is a sort of progression in relationships that leads up to sex.
There is an exploration of bodies and a testing of waters so that the couple can be sure that they are safe with their partner?
The steps that you have maybe started?
Maybe you need to experience more before you are ready for sex?
Maybe you have not gone through all the steps but not all with one girl.
It would seem to me that that is normal learning.

thickman · 10-17-2003, 08:13 AM

20 year old virigin is not unusual at all. I know of several in my circle of people.

The fact that you are worried about pleasing a female is the issue that you need to look in to.

If I remeber correctly, A penis that is 3.5 inches long and 1 inch thick is "techincally" suffice to give a woman pleasure.

Try to relax. Try to stay calm. And most importantly, if the girl makes your penis size an issue, she is not worthy of you and does not "REALLY" care about you.

el_9_el · 10-17-2003, 09:25 AM

Heya,
Well i just turned 20 as well and have had a similar experience to you. I've had opportunities to have sex with boyfriends, but I've been too nervous/embarrassed/scared to go with the flow. As a result I've had my last two boyfriends dump me for someone "easier". It really sucks...but I'm relying on the fact that I WILL meet someone with whom I DON'T feel nervous. If I'm not completely comfortable being intimate with someone, I'm probably not ready to have sex with him is what I figure.
SEVERAL of my friends have actually begun as shy and nervous with respect to being intimate, but they've met the right partners and now really appear "normal". I think we've just got to wait and it'll happen.
Hang in there!