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Old 04-18-2006, 04:03 PM   #1
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Gabrielttp HB User
New here and Just plain sick of feeling lousy

Hi all, new here. Was hoping I could find someone at least in the same boat to once and for all understand this thing

My story is a bit long, I'll try to cut it down as much as I can. I'm 38 years old. About 15 years ago (in college) I was with this girl for 2 years, had every intention of marrying her. Things obviously didn't work out. It was bad, real bad, I ended up in the hospital after not sleeping for a week with a major fever. Other then never knowing why, (I guess we just grew apart) the details are pretty unimportant.

Anyway, I sort of got over it and went about my life. Met a nice girl, got married. But every once and a while just thinking of this girl would throw me into a severe depression. Finally went to the doctor 2 years ago and went on 30mg Paxil and .5 ativan which does help both reducing the frequency and severity of these episodes.

I kept tabs on this girl over the years, some might say its stalking, I wouldn't go that far, never broke the law or ever followed her or anything, just simple internet searches every once and a while. So, perhaps 2 weeks ago, I got into a bit of a funk for no particular reason (I think it was the wellbutrin I was taking to quit smoking). So I decided to email her and perhaps exercise these demons. Of course this threw me big-time.

Now the thing drives me nuts, I have a good life., got 3 great kids, very well off. Big house, Pretty smart wife that just lost 70 pounds and looks better then she did when I met her. Good stable job. What the hell more could I ask for.

Now this girl was not smart, cute but chunky at 19 (and subsequently fat now I am pretty sure). The guy she married (who I knew sort of) was a nice guy but a total dope. I know they can't be in good shape financially, almost to the point where I wonder how the hell they get by. If you gauge it on quality of life, well I win hands down

So why in the name of god do I find myself pineing for this girl 15 YEARS LATER!. I feel somehow, that this whole thing isn't right. Like a mistake has been made.

So I ask myself
Would I leave my wife for this woman now? NO
Would I be better off If things had worked out differently? NO
Would she be better off: Probably (at least financially)
Would my wife? No she would probably be dead (not kidding)
Would my offspring be better off? (Assuming they were with her and not my wife) NO

So why the hell am I depressed again? Its stupid I know. Is this woman simply a manifestation of my depression? If things worked out differently and I had married her, would I just find something else to get depressed about?

If anyone has any answers it would be much appreciated. I mean 15 years later? Am I nuts?
Thanks All

 
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Old 04-18-2006, 04:48 PM   #2
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Elkhart, IN, USA
Posts: 484
MagicSunshine HB User
Re: New here and Just plain sick of feeling lousy

Hi,

I'm not sure what's going on for sure. I'm not in the medical field, but just a person who posts on this board. There are some wonderful people here and, perhaps one of the guys can help you more than I but I'll give it a shot

After 15 years it's unusual to be obsessed with someone, but you already know that. You seem to know it's not "normal" so you're not delusional. You seem to know it would never have worked if you had married this girl instead of your wife. It seems you have the answers but you can't let go.

You can't ignore your feelings, but you can decline to act on them. Maybe you can start by not keeping track of where she is, who she's with, how she is finacially, and instead spend that time with your family. Does your wife know about this problem??

You're going to have to let go. After all these years, I doubt you can do it on your own or you would have already done it. You're under a great deal of stress. I think therapy may help. Getting all your feelings out to someone, whitch you did a good job of doing here.

You're on an antidepressant now?? I'm wondering who rx'd it for you. Remember, I'm only a person on the message board. I can try to make you feel a little better and I hope I have.

Please keep us posted on how you're doing.......TC.....Connie

 
Old 04-18-2006, 05:06 PM   #3
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 155
Rianna HB User
Re: New here and Just plain sick of feeling lousy

Your post mentioned your wife as "pretty smart, lost 70 pounds, looks better than she ever has", and then you mentioned the girl that you went out with 15 years ago as "not smart, cute, but chunky, but subsequently fat now I am sure". Do you notice a pattern here in your post? It seems you are focusing on material things, and the way people look and if they are smart or not, which seems to be why you are going through some depression. You never mentioned the qualities that truly matter important things such as if you are in love or love your wife. I am no expert, but perhaps you feel you are no longer in love or love your wife, which is why you are having thoughts about this woman. Perhaps you are bored..you come home and realize that the big house, and being well off..is that all there is? Have you gone into any marriage counseling or one on one counseling? It sounds like you are looking for the materialistic things in life to make you happy, (such as well off, big house, etc) and because they are not..(someone not being cute, smart, etc) enough..it is not enough for you. What is it that you are really looking for? Some one who is pretty and smart..or real love..a soulmate..someone who you can't wait to get home to every day..just to see the smile on her face..or to hear her voice. Looks fade, a big house can get hit by lightening, materialistic things may not last..then what would you have left? What do you truly want in your life if you did not have these things? You say if you judge on the quality of life, "you would win, hands down" but are materialistc things really the quality in life? What is success and how is it really measured? Does success really bring happiness? Many successful and rich/well off people I know are not happy. Many people who have very little..who are in love are happy. Maybe talk to a counselor to see what might be going on internally with you. Best of luck!

 
Old 04-18-2006, 05:45 PM   #4
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Join Date: Apr 2006
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Gabrielttp HB User
Re: New here and Just plain sick of feeling lousy

well thank you for your posts. some good advice, especially from the harliquin. thank you.

To your questions, No my wife does not know about it. She is not exactly they type that would react to the news well.

do I love my wife? good question, but that could be asked about anyone else I ever dated after this girl. were not exactly a match made in heaven, but we do ok together.

Would it have worked? who knows.

I have noticed that these episodes come on when there is extreme change in my life, which may have something to do with it.

as for the materialistic thing, I have thought about it. its probably the only thing I have to key in on.

as for this girl causing it, I kinda disagree, I'm adopted, found my birth family a couple of years ago. they all have "issues". I am pretty convinced that the depression is genetic in some way.

thank you all for your posts.

 
Old 04-18-2006, 06:02 PM   #5
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harlequin HB User
Re: New here and Just plain sick of feeling lousy

And if it helps any, during this depressive episode, I did some "pining" 34 years later. Couldn't find her.

 
Old 04-19-2006, 04:36 PM   #6
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: va
Posts: 173
Shanlo HB User
Re: New here and Just plain sick of feeling lousy

PLEASE FORGIVE THIS WOMAN FOR BREAKING YOUR HEART. Let it go. Have you been trying to keep up with her to see if she has or will eventully experience the heart that you did? I think it is deep down bitterness that you have not vented or every dare to talk about to anyone. Get it out buddy and move on with your life. She probably never knew the impact her breakup had on you and still does. Forgive her because she knows not what she has done. It happens to the best of us and the other person does not realize how long they stay in your spirit. They stay there until we release them.

 
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