well, ok I had trouble deciding which heading to type this under, because it could probably fit in like 5 different categories. I have so much to say and if this sounds really confused and all over the place I am sorry. Then you don't have to read it because I just need to write and if one person reads this then that will make me feel better even if they don't comment on it. I just need to feel heard. I pray to God, but it's so hard to keep talking to God and I don't get any response. I need to talk to people. I have no one to talk to. I have a husband, a mother, a father, two brothers and plenty of extended family. i don't really have any friends and I have NO ONE who I feel I can talk to. i have so much going on in my head i'm not sure where to begin or even if anyone cares. if i make this too long no one will read it, but i don't really give a ****** about that. ok, well, to begin with i am a college student-25-first problem, I should've graduated at 22, actually 21 because i graduated high school at 17. By now I could've had a master's degree if I would've done it right. so i f-ed that up. I'm technically a senior and now I'm here at an ****** community college after going to a state school. I just feel like a complete loser and waste of life. Seriously I am both of those. Ok, at 19 I had an abortion, at 22 I dropped out of school for various reasons-it was too stressful and i couldn't handle it, I wasn't sure if I could be a teacher, basically fear got to me. i am a coward. I am just realizing all these terrible things about myself. I guess I used to think I was a good person, and now I wonder. I have social problems-i am shy and I have trouble being assertive and stating my feelings and needs. I think i may be bisexual. Daily I think of leaving my husband. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice with him. I love him a lot though and i can't imagine really leaving him. i just sound like a whining baby, don't I? I am just so selfish. whatever. I need financial help, emotional, physical, everything. i have chronic cystitis and I think I have endometriosis. I have horrible pain in my abdomen and I can't go to a doctor because I have no money, no insurance. Also I have no faith in doctors. It won't take just one visit, it'll probably take many visits, I don't know what doctor to go to, no idea. I've already done the doctor circuit and I'm sick of it. I feel so tired and thirsty all the time. There's something physically wrong with me and no one cares. My husband's mother just died and I am doing a horrible job supporting him. I don't know how. I need guidance in every aspect of my life and there is no one there to help me. My parents are no help. I am not trying to be mean but they can't help me. They won't. I guess they don't know how. That ticks me off. I think I am angry all the time because of them. I am angry at them. Why can't they help me? I don't want financial help, I just want advice, someone to listen to me and not freak out or chastise me when I have problems. I just want real parents and I feel like I got cheated in a way. I guess they did the best they could. I know some people didn't even have parents physically there, so I feel like I have no right to complain. but between guilt trips and teasing and all that stupid sh** it can about drive you up a wall. I want to take responsibility for my life. i want to. I have a huge research paper that has been looming over me for weeks and it's due tomorrow. I have 3 pages done and it's supposed to be 5 pages, and I have to have 10 sources and I have 3. I just can't do this. Too many rules and regulations and stipulations. If I get at least a C on it I can probably get a B in the class. At this point I just want to pass!!! That's horrible though. I have a headache and i feel so tired and thirsty and hungry. Life is just wearing me out. My husband has a business that can't get off the ground and he wants me to help and it's like I'm pulled in a million directions-what do I want?....drink occasionally, have friends, be single, sing in a band, be bi, have a fun life a little while longer...long-term, move to Kent with a guy who also has a college education and go to school to be a teacher. I need support. what does my husband want? he wants me to be a supportive, loving wife who helps him with his business, by the way he doesn't even have his f**ing driver's license, don't ask why....and what do my parents want? I guess they want me to be happy and have money and be able to help them out, and stuff. I just want friends. bottom line. i have no friends. i am a sh**ty friend? I don't know. I just want someone to be honest with me for once. I can take it. I want to be honest with others for once. Tell them how I really feel, not compromising who I really am for anybody. If someone doesn't like that I swear, too bad...that's me, for too long I have been a different person for everybody. I am so sick of that. I just want to be me and if people don't like it, who cares, i'm sick of not trying to make waves and just going along with the flow. i am going to be me. if people don't like me i don't care. because what do I have to lose? I mean I have no friends and I feel horrible as it is right now, so could it get worse? It probably could get worse. wow, i need to stop rambling to myself. See, this is how I drive myself crazy, someone please help, I need somebody to bounce my ideas, feelings off. bye.
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Wow, you did say a lot...not the quantity of words, but the depth. You've had a lot to deal with. I'm not going to post a whole lot to you right now, so as to not distract you from your paper. (by the way I'm nearly 2x your age and just getting to my master's now, all in good time)
Just wondering, what circumstance were the pregnancy, if you are willing to say at all. Did you tell your parents or anyone? Did anyone warn you about the grief you might feel, even though you wanted to end the pregnancy? Were you allowed to grieve?
I feel for you! Gotta say, a lot of your post reminds me of my life situation just a few years ago. I was on the fast track to graduating in 3 years (turned out to be 5.5), accelerated classes, got used to holding in my emotions, which totally backfired on me, as I sense it's backfiring on you too... In these last couple weeks I feel I've both made strides/realizations in wisdom and have backslided at the same time! How weird is that?!
Please know that I know what it is to just ABHOR that paper that looms ahead of you -- at my most despondent (senior year of college, sick of it ALL), I so *didn't* want to do my research paper, that I actually raided my friend's fridge, got drunk by myself on freaking Jager (which I never drink by myself), and then stayed up all night I'Ming flirty/funny messages to a couple long-distance friends. Hangover from hell the next day, of course. Blech blech blech.
We humans are a pretty damn silly lot.
All I can say for certain, is trust in a higher power/God, has helped me. No matter how cheesy it comes off, I say try it. And by that I mean journal it. Put whatever stupid random disjointed 'evil' terrible sexual beautiful hilarious crazy sounding things jump to mind. ...P.S. I am *still* learning how to let my guards down and be open to new friends. Challenges!
Any local agencies / community colleges that could help you w/ Mental Health services on a sliding fee scale, etc? Lord knows I did that.
There is alot of anger behind your words. Seems like the pot has been boiling for some time. Thats is what the board is for. To write and express yourself and let out the feelings that plauge you. In my thread you told me you believed in the power of prayer. I used to pray alot. I still do every once and awhile when im at my very worst. I understand how you feel. Its like you just get to a point you cant beg anymore. But I wouldnt let that stop you if you truly believe. As they say, all things come in due time. Were the same in the sense that, I have a big family as well, and there is not one person among them I could sit and talk to about what im going through. And you really just discount the feeling that you have a support system within them.
Graduating at 25 is not a problem. Doesnt matter if it was last year, this year, or the next, when you graduate be proud of what you accomplished despite carrying so much burden on your mind. You did good, give yourself credit. And by the way, congradulations. I lasted one year in college before I had to drop out. My depression and anxiety escalated. My grades suffered. I wasnt going to make it. It was one of many painful decisions I had to make in my life. I wanted to go to college and I promised my parents they would oneday seem me graduate. I couldnt even make it. I dont think theyve forgiven me since. Neither have I. You did what you had to do but you came back. I fail to see the cowardness in that. Your stronger than me. I fail to see a loser as well.
Your hard on yourself. But you already know that. Your pain and frustration has caused you alot of anger. And anger will affect and alter every single decision you make and thoughts you have. My mother has said many hurtful things to me. And always take every oppurtunity to guilt trip or embarrass me. My parents came from a different culture where you eat dirt and be thankful. No place for the crazy people. They dont understand a ounce of what I go through. And I dont either, so I dont really look to them for help. My mom called me a mistake. Truer words have never been spoken.
I can only give you one advice. Do what will makes you happiest. And that you make every decision a well thought out one not influenced by pain and anger. Look at everything thing, person, and situation in your life objectively and determine where your heart lies and what will make you feel better. You just cant beat yourself up cos you cant do everything. You want to and your doing your best. Your young. I feel the same. Like I just want to have fun, and party, and be free. I could, if i wasnt the way I was. Its kind of hard when you look the way I do. One of my cousins called me a couple weeks ago. Telling me about what hes been up to and etc. And about this party he went to where he met a bunch of girls, danced, drinked, just had fun. Rode around town all night. Had sex. Visited every club. Then had the audacity to ask me how Ive been after telling me all of that. Every day is the same. I wake up, I go to work, I come home. I wake up, I go to work, I come home. No friends. No family. No resposibilities. No exams. No studying. Noone needs me. Noone comes by. No parties. No fun. I wake up, go to work, come home. And sleep as much as I possibly can. Rinse, and repeat. I wish I could be pulled in a million directions. Id feel alive at least. Never discount the feeling of being needed.
It looks like this beautiful butterfly is ready to break free. You have a choice. Just make sure you make the right one. And think about whats really important in life. To have what you want in life, your gonna have to do things youve never done. You said yourself people find you attractive, well there you go. The single most important social attribute right there in your lap. Be yourself. Dont lose yourself. And keep praying cos you dont have anything to lose.
Again.WOW. I didn't know if I would be crying by the time I finished reading your comments. From the beg., I was trying to think and keep in mind what I was going to say, hoping I could find the words I hoped someone would have said to me when I was feeling so depressed, angry and sad. I felt almost exactly the way you do. Not only do I feel the same way but the pain behind it. The frustration and so many other things. All I want to say for now is to try and talk here as much as you can whenever you feel like you need someone to listen, not only to listen but to care and take time for YOU...Just YOU. I'm willing to do that, I'm sure we all are.