Here goes my story. Mom was (is) a housewife her entire life. She is about 54. My parents came from INdia about 35 years ago after they got married. Anyways, mom and dad fought a lot about his family. Sometimes it turned physically abusive. Dad hit mom which was very scary cause I was the only one at home with them. My brother was a couple years older than me and have gone off to college...So I became mom's anchor... I would defend her all the time, even though sometimes I felt she was unreasonable..I am not saying that is an excuse to be abused, but she was out of line sometimes. She didnt like Dad calling his mom etc. Anyways, mom was also a very strong personality. Beeautiful woman, always getting attention at parties etc. Dissed my Dad in front of poeple about him being "ugly." etc... I had an awful time growing up. Mom loved me but it was more obsessive...I was the only one she had...You could NEVER tell Mom SHE was wrong about anything...So I never did. Neither did my brother.Things were weird though. For example, when we went to visit a relative, she would feel ignored if I spent too much time with cousins and stuff (even though I only saw them rarely and her every day!)
I went to college (and was SOOO happy to get out!!!!)She was miserable cause I was gone, so my folks would bring me home every weekend. I was introduced to my now husband by my mom...He was a son of a friend of hers and we totally hit it off. Mom was thrilled cause he was from a super rich family. At first they got along. Eventually, hubby who grew up in a "normal" family starting standing up for himself if he didnt agree with something she said. This is where it alll went wrong. Mom couldnt take it. She felt insulted, deceived etc. She would howl and cry about how much she had done for him, (she would force gifts on him. Even if he didnt want it, she would say no you have to take it if you even have the slightest love for me!). Te physcial abuse between mom and dad had stopped by the time I was in college...Dad became a parrot with no mind of his own echoing mom's every thought, and constantly convincing me, my brother, and hubby how "great" mom was, everytime we sat down. Such a twisted dynamic. Fiancee by that time... His folks had financial problems and lost a large portion of their wealth. Mom and Dad felt SOOO decieved and said THEY had been tricked. They tried so hard to break us up. If I ever stood up for myself and him, things would go NUTS. Mom used her health her whole life as an excuse for everything... ("I am going to die." The doctor TOLD me I am going to die soon cause of my anemiia if i get stressed. My high blood pressure will cause a brain hemmorage etc.") Mom would fall over and say she is dying. She would kick tables and throw tantrums. Both mom and Dad would yell in my face to shut me up about me "killing mom" and how I had been brainwashed by him, and use the fact that they loved me as an excuse...
We quickly got married cause of my husband's job situation...I have never looked at my wedding pictures because of the bad memories and my parents behavior. The day after the wedding, my mom showed my sister in law a list of all the momey she had spent on my husband over the years. She had written it all down... I told my mom that please, dont mind if I cant call you several times a day now. I am married. She freaked, howled, cried, threw tantrums, saying I was killing her and hubby had brainwashed me already. (I was expected to call like 5 times a day before I got married, even though I was 23...) She made the first 6 months of my marriage hell. I tried to kill myself. Ended up in the hospital...They blamed me for embarassing them. I was a perfectly smart law student and they had driven me to insanity...
Fast forward 3 1/2 years... Mom still nuts but a bit better. Always complained that I am not like "before". I used to be "her best friend". I "changed." Always crying. She ha osteporosis now. Dad told me if I dont love my mom enough "her back will break." And her health is my responsibility. Then he follows it up with hoowwwwww great mom is! The best mother in the world...So I tried to spend more time with mom. Everytime I went over, something would lead to her crying about how I made her miserable and I wasnt like "daughter." and always gave examples (or made up examples) of other daughters.... She would cry because "I didnt hug her enough." etc... THey hae always just thought my husband brainwashes me...
My friends said "you have to try to assert yourself." My husband said the same. I KNEW asserting didnt work with her. She just freaked. My brother has never done a thing. He lives across the country and calls her 5 times a day (mind you, he is 33!!!!) and acts like this little kid who is 5. He knows she likes that. But decided to take friends advice and said "Mom if you really want to be like other mothers and dauhters. stop crying all the time. Stop comparing all the time!!" She freaked and said "I hope your daughter punishes you the way you punished me." And many other things. I am still trying to figure out what I did except try to get a life... Anyways, as i predicted, me asserting myself...I get a call from Dad saying "I took your mom to the ER."
Scene...At the ER. Mom is in the WAITING room shuddering in a wheel chair with her eyes closed... Hubby and I go to the ER. Him and My dad walk out for a talk. As soon as they walk out, mom starts HOWLING "I wannnttt my dauughhtterrr/ My daughterrr has leftttt meeee." for 15 minutes straight... The nurses know this is drama cause there is NOTHING wrong with her physically... She got NO pschychiatric help...After all, she wasnt crazy. It was everyone she had done soooo much more who made her miserable....It was MY fault, as my parents thought.
I though the solution was to move far away. This kept me going. I thought, the day I move far away, I will be SOO happy and feel SOO free... Husband got a promotion in another state and we turned it down due to my job situation...I am kicking myself now...I got scared. I was the one who pushed him... And suddenly realied it may not be so easy for me to get a job there! THen felt awful because I thought, because of me pushing my husband we would compromise our financial stability... I didnt want to do that..We turned it down. Then two weeks later, I got called for three awesome intereviews out there. I am REALLY kicking myself... I am an intelligent 27 yera old attorney, married to a wonderful man for 3 1/2 years... I feel handicapped. Like I cannot function like an adult. I live my life on edge, always scared of what will happen next with my parents... I am regretting not moving. I cant even believe I am stuck here, and turned it down when we had the chance....
My husband also realized confrontation is not the answer with her...She has some mental issue so we have to treat her like that... We have never had a normal marriage because of her..Because my mind was always occupied by her. Thats why I wanted to move far away. A fresh start and a fresh life. Now that I know we are staying for good, I am having such a hard time dealing. Every day I feel like i am dying inside... I want to escape so badly... I have no interest in anything anymore. My husband and I are looking to buy a place. I have no enthusiasm because I know that means we are staying here. It hurts my face to even smile, like I have forgotten how to do it... Really. I mean, I look in the mirror and I am like "Who am I?? What has happened to me? What has happened to my life?" I am just so bummed... I often feel like I would be so much better off dead and it would be good for everyone else too... And I feel like I cant be a good wife to my wonderful husband, because my mind is just gone. Like I am so depressed. I could cry in an instant. I often do, but not in front of him... I only feel good when we are far away from here and take trips. We went to NYC a few weeks ago and I felt so good, like I could breathe!!! What is wrong with me? I am sooooo paranoid all the time, just worrying... Worrying about the future. Thinking about the past, and having nothing to look forward to...
I am seeing a therapist. I feel like I have never had normality and have never been happy. I WANT to be happy... I cant cut my parents off. It would be even worse...There would be more drama. I cant take any more drama... I am trying my best to get over it and just focus on my husband and making him happy... Somedays I wake up and feel good. Other days I fall down again... Miserable again... That is my story... If anyone haas dealt with anything similar and has advice, please help on how to deal... Mom has so much control Dad hasnt visited his family in India for 22 years. Mom has convinced him h ow horrible India is and how the people are two faced (my husband and his famjily is from there...So are they, but apparently now they are "cleansed" since they are in the US...) Dad echoes these sentiments.... So you see my twisted life and dynamic.
I dont know what to do. I feel like I will just crack. I mean, no one could ever imagine this looking at me. I am a 27 year old successful attorney... People would think I have the perfect life. THen why am I dying inside?? I feel like I just want to run as far as I can go.... I dont know what to do.
I don't know if anything I say will help, but please know that you are not alone.
Though my own mom is not quite as possesing as yours, she has been a large problem in my life. She has always "controlled" the money my dad earned. Nothing could be bought without her OK. She has controlled me, to an extent, that has limited my life experiences. Even now, at 33, she tries to tell me what I can & can't do. My dad passed away nearly 2 years ago. Since I'm the only one who drives, she depends on my for things...but carries it too far. It seems like every day she needs me to do something for her.
I have a 27 year old brother, who lives with her. I believe she has "stunted" him too. He only finally got a job last summer, at my insistance. He has no drivers license, and uses flimsy excuses to get out of getting one. He refuses to do simple tasks around the house, so my mom calls me to do them.
I was recently in the hospital because my depression & stress were no longer tolerable. I've had depression my whole life. If my mom doesn't get her way, she cries, claims she isn't loved, etc. This usually makes me feel guilty, and I end up doing what she wants. My relationships have suffered because of my family. I ended up divorced 3 years ago, and recently lost my room mate/boyfriend. I've developed an anxiety problem to go with my depression.
I no longer enjoy the things I once did. I hate to go anywhere...even just outside to get the mail! I need to get my life in order. I've told my mom this, but I know it will not change things...so I need to change them.
I'm on new meds to help with my depression and anxiety. If my mom refuses to listen, I just don't answer the phone. Caller ID helps. You have to put yourself and your husband first, no matter how hard it may be. If your therapist isn't helping, maybe it's time to seek another? You are already much better off than I...You have a successful career, a husband who loves you. My mom still calles too many times per day, but I'm putting a stop to it, slowly. When she gets to where I feel she's trying to control me, I get off the phone. You need to put yourself first. I don't know if any of this helps, or even makes sense. I'm not a very good "speaker", but I wish you luck.
I Do Whatever My Rice Crispies Tell Me To
Thanks for your story.. I feel like that's where I am heading... I am so depressed. And if I stay this way, even my husband will lose patience. It's like I dont take pleasure in much anymore... And over that I KEEP lingering on the fact that we should have moved when we had the chance...I think it REALLY would have given me a fresh start and perspective. But now its too late... I dont even see her often...Like once in a month...I talk to her every other day, but for reason I feel like she "surrounds me"...or maybe its the bad memories and paranoia that surrounds me...
I dont think you should beat yourself up about the job relocation thing. When it is the right time it will happen. I think you have to address your depression, but I think I would still actively look elsewhere for a position. Somewhere a distance from your mother. She is poisoning your life and relationship. From how you speak, you husband is a great person. I would not jeopardize that relationship in order to have one with your mother. Sounds like your relationship with your mother is toxic and I say it is best for your health to cut her loose. At least give her an ultimatum to get some help or you are limiting your contact with her. I find that relationship very frustrating to even think about. You have to look out for your best interest. She certainly isn't looking out for them. Hope you get the help you deserve.
Thanks...I am trying to make myself cheer up...I am just unable to... We went to see a house yesterday, and my husband was like "Where has your enthusiasm gone?? You dont even smile anymore!! What is wrong with you?" So he is getting frustrated over this...He is the last person I want to hurt but yet I find myself unable to get out of this gloom, paranoia, and thinking how much I hate myself and my life...
Have just read your story. I can relate to the control factor. My father hid behind my mother and if there was anything to be said it would come through her. I wasn't allowed to show any emotion and after years of depression I separated from them recently and am getting on a lot better.
I'm not surprised that you feel dysfunctional. It sounds to me like 'emotional abuse'. Your mum sounds like somewhere in her life she is trapped in her childhood.
What sort of life did she have with her own parents? Are they still alive. Do you see your grandparents, if so could you talk to them about any of it.
I think that you have possibly been 'brainwashed' by her own emotional needs and yours have been neglected. You must be very scared of moving away but eventually I think you need to put yourself first.
I realise it is easier said than done. You can look up on the internet something called, A Personal 'Bill of Rights'. It's quite interesting and might help. We have rights as human beings. Take Care debdough
I moving and he wants to buy a place. I dont want to stop him now... But inside, I am so scared of being trapped here once we buy a place... If it was upto me, I would have both of us look for jobs in CA (other side of the country) and move... But that wont happen now. How much can I expect that my husband be understanding??
My mom has lived far from her fmaily for 36 years ( they are in India). Her mom passed away years ago over there. She saw her every few years. she was married at 18 and came to the US. She had no family here. And apparently she had a nice childhood.
Well, when I say I want to "move" I meant to another state, like across the country farrrr from my parents. But that is not possible now, because I previously was stupid enough and scared enough to give up the chance...
Well whats done is done. Don't dwell on the what could have beens. If I did that I 'd be dwelling in the past forever. I think a move into a home of your own is a good idea. It is apparent that you are staying inthe same city and knowing it will make your husband happy to set down some roots makes it seem like a good idea. You can still look at as a fresh start and limit your time spent with your mother. Be strong and set out some guidelines for your mother. Who is to say that buying a home would tie your into a permanent commitment to that city. You can always bring it up again with your hubby when the time is right (in a couple of years) and sell. I think more than anything you need to be honest with your husband. Hiding how you feel about things will just build and build.
Well, last night my husband got really mad at me cause I forgot to make my car payment..I have been very careless about paying bills and have gotten very late on them and so on...I think its my lack of interest and concentration. It also lead to him getting very upset and saying I was "always bummed" and living in a dream land, and not "all there." I didnt say anything cause I knew he was right...He was mad in the morning too. He was like "If there is a problem what is it??" I told him "I think I am really depressed...I dont just think its a matter of attitude adjustment. I am just bummed. I think I need meds." I hate putting him through this stuff so often...I mean, he is sane and such a great guy....He deserves a normal and happy wife and here I am....incapable of being one. I feel awful. Even if I try to be one, its like forcing myself because in my heart and mind, I feel so low... I am going to my therapist this evening but will shcedule with a psychiatrist for next week...
I know what you are going through. My mom too has mental problems. I've been the parent in the relationship for as long as I can remember. Now whe is severely disabled due to a stroke and most of what she needs falls on me. I'm only 34 and have two young children of my own to take care of. I'm so resentful of her. I just wonder how much more I owe this woman who even left me, my sister and my father for another man when I was only 4 yrs old. Trully when I look back on my life I have only painfully negative memories of her. I beg my husband to move back near his family so I can just get away from her. He doesn't understand. He thinks I should just cut ties completely with her but as you know that would make me feel even worse. The guilt would kill me. Since moving back near her 5 years ago I've had problems with depression and anxiety which have culminated in me having to take lexapro and xanax to cope with my situation. I honestly feel that if I don't get away from her she will end up killing me. I don't think I'll live a long life. The stress will cause physical problems, it already has. I think my next step will be therapy. Good luck.