The chicken or the egg? My life - Depression Message Board

Lostwithin · 04-27-2006, 07:47 AM

I really am not sure what came first my depression or my weight. I have lived with both for as long as I can remember.

I was molested at 3 years old and an obese child by age 7. I have never known life without being overweight. I have never known life without being depressed.

My family were poor and old fashioned and "mental illness" was never talked about. In my family it seemed a worse fate than cancer. As a result I never talked about my anquish and mental pain to anyone.

I was very suicidle as a child at one point put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. To my horror my Dad had cleaned the gun and had not reloaded it yet. I was 11. I dont know how many hours I spent alone sobbing and begging "god" to help me.

We lived way out of town and I spent hours and days crying in my hidding place high on the hillside behind our house. No one ever noticed.

Being fat as a child as well as depressed just set me up to be bullied and taunted by other children in school making things even worse. My depression only deepened. In my mind I lived a totally dissasocialtive life. I kept this weak terrified person deep inside and had a make beileve personallity that was strong and able to take care of me. I was always totally aware of both personalities so don't think I was or am mulitple.

I have always been unable to find anything I could find a passion for. A direction to strive to reach. It seems I have always just existed going from one day to the next and riding what ever wave carried me along.

I am a very romantic and loving person yet never dated until I was 38 years old. During the years leading up to this point I have gained and lost 100s if pounds litterally. I started dieting at 12 all the wrong ways of course and only at the ridicule of my family. "you will never lose any weight" how many times did I hear that. At 18 I moved several states away where no relatives lived.

I thought my life was turning around. The one and only man I dated at 38 asked me to marry him 6 weeks after we met and in 9 weeks we were married. He wanted a child deeply so I stopped taking my prozac and Buspar and worked on getting pregnant. Well I did.. but the fetus was growing in my tube and it ruptured sending me to the ER. The fetus may have only been a few weeks but to me it was still my child. I was devistasted. I woke up in recovery screaming NO NO NO NO.. I only wanted to die.. I did not want to wake up. Yet I did.. my depression only deepened and my panic attacks increased.

Things could not get worse, but they did. I lost the baby in September in June that next year my healhty 40 year old husband collapsed and was found to have an inoperable brain tumor. He died in my arms in Aug the same year. He lived 60 days after they found the tumor. He begged not to die in the hospital so I kept him at home and nursed him 24/7 until he died in my arms.

I went right back to work to save my job. The funeral was on Wed and I went back to work the following Monday. My weight started climbing again up to 320#. I was able to do my job though physically. Mentally I was in trouble my concentration was suffering terribly. I had not seen a shrink in several years my reg doc was scribing the prozac.

Ok this is getting to long so I will wrap it up. I soon had to have a total knee replacement the pain in my knee before surgery had me on crutches for months before and on heavy pain killers. Which included Oxycoton. After surgery I was unable to return to work for 3 months. During all this I gained more and more weight.

My work place did not want me back but I forced them to take me back. Biggest mistake I ever made. They made my life a living hell trying to get me to quite. Finally they trumped up enough garbage to say I was no longer fit to be a shift manager and I was fired.

I had worked there for 15 years. They just tossed me to the dirt like trash. I totally shut down mentally. I set day after day alone in my house and would not leave it. I closed the windows and locked the doors terrified of my heart being hurt any more from the world.

My family had no ideal how depressed I was or that I was fired from my job though I talked to them on the phone a lot. My stronger self would always put on the I am ok face. I knew I would ever die in my home or cry out for help. I finally told my Sister what was happening.

They came to oklahoma and packed up all my belongings and took me back to california. Here I was so indepented all my life. Made my own way never asked for help and suddenly I am living with family. No money no home, no hope. My weight climbed. Mentaly I am still shut down. Some how I am able to get on Social security Disablitly. So here I am. 49 years old still no insurance for 2 years. Tipping the scales at over 450#. Walking is painful I can't hardly breathe.

Now its 2 years later my insurance kicked in March 1, 2006. Have I went to the doctor? No, my panic attacks have kept me locked in the house. My family finally got tired of me and helped me find a place to live alone again.

So with my panic attacks, depression, and being mobidly obese that I can barely force my body behind the wheel of my car HOW do I get better?. Sure I need to get to the doctor now and get appointements for a shrink Thought even with insurance can not afford to go to. I make a thousand dollars a month to live on and my basic utility and rent cost me over 600 a month does not leave much for phone, cable, gas, Rx, and food.

I feel like I am just existing not living, its been the same for all these years. I know nothing will ever change unless I make it change.. but where to I get the strength to do so? I am so so so tired of the fight, the struggle. Don't worry no suicide. That option was put to rest a long time ago. Seems all I can see if the rest of my life alone, alone alone and still fat and depressed.

I know there has to be a way out of all these years of pain. I can't find the spark or help I need. Oh and please I used to be very spiritual. So do not tell me I will find that peace in God. There has to be some one or some thing to help. I feel like only but someone leading me, holding me and guilding me can I ever get better.

I am sorry this is so long,
Lost within

MagicSunshine · 04-27-2006, 05:06 PM

Hi,

What a horrible thing for a 3 year old little girl. Your post wasn't too long. It's good to vent here. There are a lot of really good people that I'm sure will be replying to you, also.

I can only give my view and hopefull some suggestion. I'm not a dr, or anything else in the medical field. Could it be possible that the molestation caused you to eat for comfort?? I personally have heard of this.

I'm trying to be gentle, but in my opinion, you need to bring back the little girl you hid. It makes perfect sense why you did it though. Maybe with a good psychiatrist, getting everything out that has happened to you would help a lot. I know it will be mentally painful, but you will have a much better life. Wanting to do away with yourself at the age of 11 shows how much agonizing pain you were in. Are you on any meds now??

I don't think you would have trouble taking the weight off after you get back the respect and self-esteem you deserve. I know of two people who lost over 100 pounds in a year. It was a diet plan, but I'm not sure if I am allowed to say the name of it on here.

You seem like the kind of person that would be fun to be around. I can tell from your post that you are far from dumb. It's so sad to think how many years of your life were filled with bad things.

I know losing your husband was a tragedy, and I'm sure he's watching over you.

Please keep posting. Take Care........Connie

mizplaced · 04-27-2006, 08:15 PM

dear lostwithin.
I can not believe all you have had to endure .It s more than one person should ever have to bear. The fact that you came here just shows you are not too lost to gain a deservadly good life . You have the power within to change and though you know that it will all begin with just one step.Do everything you can to get yourself to a doctor. Try everything you can .Contact mental health centers, hospitals and doctors .Some one will help you.There are a lot of understanding people who know that it is not your wish to be overweight and depressed. This is not something you can conquer alone. No one would expect you to over come cancer or any other disease alone. This is no different.you deserve the love and care of others but most of all the love of yourself. You will gain the care of friends here .I am #2. Watch them add up. Like Connie , I urge you to take care of yourself and keep posting .

sending you hugs Mizzy

debdough · 04-28-2006, 08:39 AM

Hello there.

I have similar issues like you.

As a kid and growing up there was barely any commication in my family. So I never learnt to ask for help, Same as you. Depression has ruled me it seem's forever.

Somehow we learnt to detach ourselves. I have everything going on in my head and not in my body. Or that's how it feels.

I also have a child sxl abuse issue from the age of 5/6.

I have had a therapist for over 2yrs, but last year I was badly depressed again. I always check in with myself that I have taken meds properly and just couldn't see why it had happened again. I was in a very dark place.

I don't know what happened but I just found strength within, I never knew what it ever meant before, but I was consiously aware of it and asked my family to give me SPACE. Again I never understood space either.

Since then I have improved grately, but my comfort is food. We had on TV programme over here in the last few months about some seriously obese people. People that couldn't even get out of their specially made beds.
And what was interesting was that most of them had endured abusive childhoods.

One man said that his father was an alcoholic and took alot of anger out on his mum. She then would take her frustrations out on him and her way of saying sorry to her son was to make him his favourite meal and pile the plate right up. She never actually said sorry but, this was her way.

It made sense in a way because although my upbringing was very very tense and full of emotional neglect I always had 3 cooked meal a day.

This time last year I couldn't function very well at all and never thought that recovery was possible. So, now I can pass onto others through these boards, that recovery is possible and it's not always our families that can help us, as sometimes they are actually the cause.

I still have along way to go and at times it still gets tough but at last I know I am making progress. YOU WILL TO. I am on meds aswell as therapy. Get as much help as you can, you are entitle to ask for help. Try not to worry about anyone else but YOU. You are meant to be here. The gun wasn't meant to go off.

Sorry this is long but hope you cand draw something from it. BE GENTLE ON YOURSELF

Take Care debdough

Lostwithin · 04-28-2006, 09:25 AM

Thank you for the replies so far. I am trying hard to draw strength from them. I did take one step forward this morning I medicated myself with Xanax so I could leave the house and went to get my lab work done so I can return to my general care doctor. This will allow me to have her send me to a Pysc doc now that I have insurance.

one day , one step